


Too Hard to Leave You

by writersartwork



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - After College/University, America, Angst, Barista Louis Tomlinson, Bottom Harry, Cute, Dates, First Dates, Lack of Communication, Lots of back and forth, Love, M/M, Miscommunication, Museums, Musicals, New York City, Sexual Jokes, Shy Harry, Slow Burn, Smut, Songwriter Louis, Therapy, Top Louis Tomlinson, Writer Harry, artistic, breakup for a short while, little bit sad, lots of fluff, painting dates, there's a coffee shop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-03-17 13:41:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 94,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18966391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writersartwork/pseuds/writersartwork
Summary: Fresh out of Uni, Harry moves to New York all alone. He thought he knew exactly what he wanted in life which only included love and a successful career. The only problem is that his life is filled with the allusions he never asked for._____Louis stood silent as he reached up to touch Harry's cheek, as if this was the last time he would ever get this opportunity. "I am Jonah, and you are Daniel," Louis broke the barrier of silence. He watched the tears begin to fall from Harry's eyes, ones that he may never look into again. "And together, we make Samson and Delilah." More tears began to rush from Harry.Harry wanted to scream, wanted to protest. This was such a bad idea. But all he could choke out was a weak, "Lou."Louis nodded, in understanding, but there's no way he could comprehend how Harry's heart ached. "Harry, my love, it is too hard to leave you, but this is better for us; better for you, I promise."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A couple disclaimers:
> 
> \- This is completely a work of fiction. In no way does this reflect real life. I only own this story, none of the real characters.  
> \- I apologize for inaccuracies regarding geography, artwork, the publishing process, etc., but this is a work of fiction, and I am doing research, but that can only get me so far.  
> \- There are mentions of a character's parent's death, but it will not go into extreme detail. 
> 
>  
> 
> I do have this work originally published on Wattpad (ew, I know), so I am now posting it here, so thank you to anybody who followed this story from there to here. Much love. I have most of the story (a bit more than half) completed, so I think I will be posting chapters weekly, unless something changes. 
> 
> I can't really think of anything else to say, so I hope you enjoy this story!!
> 
> All the love, Cassidy.

People always said that life starts the moment that someone takes their first breath. That as a newborn baby, life is just beginning. 

People always said that life starts the moment that someone has full independence. That as a freshly graduated student, life is just beginning. 

As a graduate from the University of London, class of 2017, twenty-two year old Harry Styles didn’t know which argument applied to him. Part of him believed that when someone finds the ability to love someone, then their life starts. But at the same time, people say that a part of someone’s soul dies when they find someone else to love. The fact of the matter is though, that even with all these arguments, Harry didn’t really know which to believe. Which was right. Which was wrong. He was a romantic, so he wanted to believe that love was the answer to anything. But what if it wasn’t? 

What if love was single-handedly the question to everything and the answer to anything? 

But what if it wasn’t?

People love people. People love other things too, but that’s the big one. People love other people. A personal relationship with a love is something so intimate, so pure, that it’s impossible to interrupt. Love stays as life moves on. Love stays and continues to be love. No matter how weak, no matter how strong. Love stays. It becomes so important and cherished to people that it’s impossible to let it go. Even when they should. It’s impossible to let go of love when it could so easily come back as it once was. Even if the one in love knows that it’s impossible to ever come back. Harry knew that. Harry knew that love was strong. Nothing was stronger than the heart of love. No diamond, no metal could overcome the strength of love. But Harry hadn’t experienced that kind of love. He’d never loved a person so intimately before that all he could hope for was for their love to continue forever and never cease and never quiver. He knew he wanted to. 

Because when he heard the “Congratulations” from all his family and fellow students, his brain told him that this was the start of his life. That at this moment his life starts and will lead to him moving to New York and becoming his own person. However, there was nothing there for him. Seemingly nothing to really live for. Of course, his family and what few friends he had, but he hadn’t done anything with his life. Hadn’t impacted the world or even a single person. He was just there. Swimming in some kind of between world. Like he was waiting to cross the river with his dog. 

That’s why he was a writer. He knew that the world would never be able to hear his voice as the sound left his lips, even as it would have tried to penetrate the ears of everyone with an open ear. But with his written words, he could tell anyone his ideas with his written voice. With words he had the ability to speak what he was too afraid to say. He had so many ideas swimming inside his head without an outlet for people to listen to what he had to say. So many ideas about love, about hope, about life just waiting there in his journal for people to read them and learn from them. 

In theory, Harry was wise. In reality, Harry was inexperienced. He’d never been in love, but his favorite thing to write about was being in love. He could make up all these situations in his head, and they would work out. But in real life, situations never work out the same way. 

As Harry was walking across his campus for quite possibly the last time, all these thoughts were swimming in his mind. About whether or not this was the start of his life. About whether or not he will be able to find love and experience that intimate feeling. He walked across the campus, all the memories suddenly coming back to him. Harry thought it was funny there could be so many memories that come with a place that someone will never know of. Like each individual person felt comfortable at the campus in entirely different ways, even though it looked the same on the outside. 

Harry came across the certain place where he spent so many hours voicing his thoughts. He knocked on the door a few times, and his old professor was at the door in seconds with a large smile on his face. “Harry, I was waiting to see if you would come by.” Harry welcomed himself into the office as he had done so many times before. 

He looked around the room and took in the sight of the place once more. “It’s odd to think I might never see this place again.” Harry looked to his professor with big eyes. 

“It’s odd to think I might never see you again,” his professor paralleled his statement. 

Harry sat down in one of the chairs as he made eye contact with the man. “I’m really scared for what will happen with the rest of my life,” he admitted with a small voice. 

His professor stared at him, unsure of how to voice his thoughts. “Harry, you’re going to move to New York and have an amazing life. You’ll become a fantastic writer, just like you already are. I’ll make sure to read each and every one of your books no matter how philosophical and full of metaphors they are. You are a fantastic person, and you’re going to lead the life you want to lead. I promise, you’re going to inspire so many people cause you’ve already inspired me so much.” The man thought the boy just needed to hear the words that everyone has thought about him. Nobody meets Harry and decided that they don’t like him. It’s impossible. He’s special, but in a different way for each person he encounters. The professor just hoped he could allow people to get to know him in that way. 

Harry got up and wrapped his arms around the man. “You’ve also inspired me so much these past few years. Thank you so much.” He pulled back with slight tears in his eyes, whether they were from Harry being afraid of saying goodbye or if they were from Harry just being afraid of life in general, he didn’t know. 

Harry began to feel his phone vibrate in his pocket. He looked up to the man, maybe for the last time. This thought kept appearing in his mind over and over again. His life was full of lasts. Shouldn’t life be about the amount of firsts rather than the amount of lasts? “That must be my mum. She’s throwing a graduation party.” Harry took a deep breath, questioning if the next few words he’ll say will be the last words he ever says to the man. “Well, I hope we speak again,” Harry said grimly. “Goodbye.” His professor said the same word back, and Harry lingered for a few moments, not feeling like this was a proper goodbye. Almost as if he was waiting to wake up to his first day of Uni and realizing that this all had actually been a dream. He wasn’t ready for his life to start. But realizing nothing more would be said, Harry sauntered off to the door and disappeared behind it. At that moment, the professor and Harry’s entire life on that campus became a distant memory that he would relive every time he felt lonely.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> harry experiences his last day at home, in england

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you all enjoy. as always, kudos, comments, and constructive criticism are always welcome. all the love, cassidy.

When Harry caught the flash that displayed itself before his eyes, it was then that he realized that there was no going back. All of this was really and truly real. Nothing was going to change that. He couldn't go back in time to experience anything again, no matter how badly he wanted. Even if he didn't want to change anything but to just experience everything again. How much Harry wishes that would be possible, he couldn't explain with words. But he felt the pang in his chest every time he thought about his happy memories, even his sad ones, if he was being honest. He also felt the way his heart strings were so connected to the past that when he thought about his future, the strings tried pulling him back and keep him there, constrict him from ever moving forward in life. If Harry could, he would let his heart strings pull him back to his familiar and happy memories; he would let them completely take over his mind, body, and soul, without a second thought.

His sister Gemma had taken a photo when Harry blew out the candles on the cake. It made him feel like he was resorting back to his three-year old self. Oh, how he wished. People started clapping and once they were bored with that, returned to talking to one another, but still secretly eyeing the cake that was being cut in front of them. His mum handed him a piece, and Harry moved to sit by the window, trying to be as antisocial as possible. He wanted to blend into the corner and never come out. Pretend he wasn't human, so he wouldn't have to pretend to know how his life is going. With that, he could even stay in his home the rest of his days. The home that his comfort never left. He hadn't lived there for the last four years, but it was still home and it was the only place he's truly ever felt comfortable. The only place he'd ever been able to walk around with his eyes closed but never crash into anything.

Harry made eye contact with Gemma, and he would feel bad if he said that he wished he hadn't, because now she was coming over, and he really just wanted to drown in his own thoughts. She sat down next to him and was silent for a few moments, as if she was waiting for Harry to begin talking. "I'm gonna miss you a lot, Harry. I know I've never said that I've missed you ever, but I really will."

Harry turned away from the view of the street from the window to face her. "I'll miss you, too." He grabbed her hand and squeezed it in his own.

"Are you scared or nervous?" She voiced the question, concern pouring through the cracks.

Harry took a breath and looked out the window once more before answering. "I'll be fine, you don't need to worry." He smiled at her. Harry knew that the smile was more to convince himself of his words rather than Gemma.

"Okay... You know everyone's just a phone call away right?"

Harry looked into her eyes as if he was never going to see them again after this one moment. "Yeah, course." He smiled once again making it seem a little unconvincing. He wanted to tell someone to scream and yell at him to not go to New York, to not move away from everything he's ever known. He wishes that there was some reason that he'd have to stay grounded here. But this was going to be good for him, or at least that's what he kept telling himself.

Gemma's smile grew on her face, and Harry could tell she was about to switch topics. "So, what's the first thing you'll do in New York?"

Harry turned his head away from her to think, observing the people that were still standing in his living room. Being so concerned with how it all was going to turn out, he forgot to think about the fact that he's moving to the city of his dreams. He knew that not everyone was able to have this type of opportunity, but he did, and he was so grateful for it. "I've always wanted to go to Central Park, so maybe that."

Before they could further their conversation, there was a knock at the door, and Harry stood to answer it. A familiar and smiling face was stood behind it. "Niall! What're you doing here, mate?!" He didn't give Niall a chance to answer before they both hugged each other. Harry's mum came rushing over to hug their visitor.

"Man, I've missed you so much," Niall expressed when Harry's mum left the two alone. "How've you been?"

"I'm good, yeah. You?" Niall noted the tone in his best friend's voice, but didn't mention it.

"Yeah, everything's going well. My dad's not doing too well at the moment, but..." Niall said indicating that there wasn't anything to do about it.

Harry felt sad for his best friend. "I bet having you back home makes it better though."

Niall appreciated how Harry was trying to make him feel better but still wanted to change the subject. "I wanted to see you one last time."

But Harry didn't want to talk about that topic. "We have cake still. Want some?"

Niall laughed and shook his head. "Sure." Harry cut him a piece and handed it to him. Niall took a bit, his eyelashes fluttering in pleasure. "So good." Harry couldn't help but chuckle. To Harry, Niall was the person who could always make him laugh no matter what. He tended to stray from sad topics because he and Niall just didn't have that type of relationship. So when Niall asked how he really felt about going to New York, Harry froze. But everyone could tell that Harry was nervous; it wasn't a secret even though they let him believe it was.

"I just don't wanna be one of those people who begs for money in the middle of Times Square," he responded, trying to put some kind of humor in the whole thing.

Niall's typical response would be something about how he could always perform in his underwear with a cowboy hat, but, this time, he thought Harry needed something more than that.

"Har, you still have all your friends and family, and, at a certain point, that's all that matters. You don't need anything other than people who love you. Keep that, and you'll be fine."

"I don't know. Sometimes you just want more. Like to be important, you know?" Harry asked Niall, really without any type of purpose. Niall ignored the question, knowing that his friend was really nervous about hopping on a plane and going to a new country tomorrow.

"You know what we should do?" Harry looked at him with raised eyebrows. "We should go break in to our old school."

Harry snorted. "Yeah, let's do that. How long's it been?"

They both knew it was four years. "I'm serious. Bring back old memories, c'mon, you're going with me no matter what."

Harry didn't even have to respond because he knew that he'd be forced to go anyways.

He wasn't afraid of getting into trouble, but he was afraid of his heart strings finding old memories and clinging to them like it was the only thing that was feeding them life. That's what he was afraid of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is so short omg. but i promise they'll get longer.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> niall and harry relive old memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks so much for reading. i hope you enjoy this chapter.

Harry figured that maybe he could give it a chance. Give the whole "allowing himself to be nostalgic" a try. But he was scared. Downright scared. The chances of him having some kind of mental breakdown he felt were quite high. He knew that his heart strings wouldn't allow his brain a fighting chance. It'd lose within heartbeats. If he went back to the place where he spent four years and made so many memories, he felt he may be stuck in those memories, and he'd be trapped and would never be able to escape. He'd be stuck reliving those memories over and over again, yet not being able to experience them.

He felt that he had the small ability to maybe get through these next hours. Maybe. "Niall, I don't know about this," he said as Niall pulled into the parking lot with the rental car.

"Relax, we won't get into trouble," Niall responded. Little did he know, Harry didn't care about that. It was almost the last thing on his mind. He was afraid of his world around him crashing, and him never being able to rebuild it again.

"What're we even doing here?" Harry asked, curiosity seeping through the cracks of his voices.

Niall shrugged as he parked and looked to his friend. "This may be the last time you'll ever see this school again. Don't you wanna relive these memories for the last time?" Maybe Niall was just trying to get Harry to admit that he was actually terrified.

No, he really didn't. He knows himself. If he relived these memories again, his heart would most definitely cause him to be hoisted by his own petard. Everyone part of him would be scattered. Harry wondered if that could possibly be for the best.

Niall got out of the car as Harry just sat there, actually drowning in his own thoughts. Scaring him from his thoughts, Niall opened the passenger door. "Get out of the car, Princess." Harry scoffed at his new nickname. But he did get out of the car, almost like he was pretending like he was returning to go to school on a Monday, and he'd walk in and see all those memories suddenly appearing right in front of him, but they'll never leave; they'll just haunt him for the rest of his life, every time he'll close his eyes, these images will appear right in front of him, never faltering.

Harry knew he was going to be in trouble by the end of the night. "It's really amazing just how little has happened since being here, but at the same time everything has changed." Niall gave him a bewildered look. He knew his friend well enough not to respond when he talks in metaphors. If Niall was being honest, he knew what Harry was talking about. It made perfect sense. Except Niall just didn't know the words to match how he felt about the whole thing. Even as he looked at the large building in front of him, all he could think of was the fact that he could never be as close to Harry as he was now. In just a mere matter of hours, he's going to be gone from all their lives. The part that sucked the most for Niall was that he knew that Harry was terrified, and that didn't change the fact that he wanted to rip himself out of their lives. His family and friends. He just so much so had to tear apart all these relationships. Nothing will ever go back to the way it was now and has been. Everyone's lives were at homeostasis, and Harry just so happened to be the necessary sugar to keep everything balanced. Now, nothing will ever be balanced again.

They both had begun to walk towards the gate that just so happened to be conveniently open. It was silent, mirroring the way the two would always walk four years ago. This was different though. It was the moon shining this time. The crowded parking lot didn't have cars to watch over anymore. The air wasn't the same. Not just because it was warmer, but almost as if itself had actually changed, like the chemicals reacted to every person that ever been there and created itself out of that, never again being the same.

They both started to walk the halls and eventually they had to run into the classroom that they met in. And that's where Harry decided his world would actually crack. His breath ran out of him as all the memories had come rushing in. Like the two couldn't intermingle. His brain was processing too much too fast as he looked to Niall, and the world just shifted, and Harry felt like he couldn't keep track of what was what. Niall looked at his friend and knew he was having one of his existential crises because Harry simply thinks too much and is too literate for his own good. "Be honest with me, Harry. Why the hell are you moving?"

Harry couldn't answer, he didn't know the answer, didn't know how there could possibly be an answer to that loaded question. All he knew and saw were the memories of Niall asking him what the homework was and them developing a friendship and them giving each other advice and them going to college at different places but at least they were in the same side of the world. This time they were going to have an entire ocean between them. Between Harry and the rest of his life. And for some reason Harry was finally feeling like he knew why he was going to far away. "Because if I stay here, Niall...I'm just going to be stuck. I'm not going to be able to move on or comprehend that I'm a different person now that's experiencing different things."

"You need to get away to do that?" Niall asked, hurt punching through his voice, not softly either, and Harry caught it. Harry took a breath, he knew it was coming. "Harry, you can make new memories, experience new things. Those old memories will always be there reminding of a time that once was, but those new memories you'll make will replace them and will be better than before."

Harry almost had tears in his eyes. "I can't just let go of these memories, it's already killing me."

"Going somewhere else isn't going to change that! Your memories will never disappear, but you're only drown in them if you let it happen."

Harry didn't know what to say. Because he knew Niall was right. He was letting these memories drown him and choke him and making him lose his oxygen and at the same time, his sanity. That's why he needed to get away. He needed to find a new sanity because he'll never be in the same mindset here again. Everything will be different.

Neither of the boys looked at each other. They walked off the campus, as if knowing this idea was probably not the best, but for some reason it made them both feel better. When they got back to the car, Niall said, "I'm sorry. I understand why you have to leave."

Harry swallowed his metaphorical pride. "You're right. I am running from my past. But I am trying to run to my future, as well." Niall looked at Harry. That's the answer he needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is also really short but they should be getting longer soon. thank you so much for reading. as always, kudos and comments are appreciated, as well as constructive criticism. all the love, cassidy.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> harry flies to new york

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, i hope you enjoy this chapter. as always, kudos, comments, and constructive criticism are always welcome. all the love, cassidy.
> 
> quick plug here: follow my twiiter @/louislilbaby

There's something to showing up to an airport in the morning while the air was still fresh. The dew could still be smelled through the crisp morning air. And it's as if someone could hear everyone opening their eyes for the first time that day. Not to mention the way that the colors danced across the sky as if performing the tango together. The pinks waltzing across, in time with the blues. Almost as if the world could hear them saying, "one, two, three...one, two, three." Particularly, going to an airport at the start of the morning was unlike any experience. Essentially, Harry was leaving in the morning to the start of his life. And he knew that mornings often represented new starts in life when it came to literature. He figured there was something symbolic in that. Maybe it was his subconscious that wanted to book the flight in the morning because that meant really starting something.

As Harry was unpacking all his bags from the car, it seemed to hit him harder than it ever had before. Suddenly, all he could think of was that these next few moments were his last moments in London. In England. At home. His family was waiting around the car, staring at Harry as if they were staring at his open casket. Might as well. It's not like they'll see him for the next few months. Even while he was at uni, he could easily just drive back home for a weekend if really needed to. This was not the case anymore. Yes, he's older; he doesn't need his family as much as he did before. But that doesn't change the fact that this was happening, and he wouldn't be able to spend time with them. These people had been part of his entire life, and Harry's just leaving them like nothing.

Harry took one last breath before mustering up the courage to face his family. Both parties stayed quiet, even Niall. Neither knew what to say, so Harry finally piped up, "I won't be back here until Christmas." His mum seemed to have tears flowing from her face that she didn't even know about.

"Are you sure, Harry?" His mum looked at him with sincerity leaking through the whites of her eyes. "Are you sure this is what you want?"

"Yeah, I'm sure, mum." This is what he needed to do. He needed to escape the person he was and somehow create a new person for himself. Figure out how to create a new identity for himself. Through his writing, through his memories, whatever. Something had to change in Harry's world. Maybe he could become Morpheus so he finally wouldn't have to deal with trying to become a different person.

As Harry thought, maybe it wasn't just a different person he wanted to become. But maybe more it was the fact that he simply wanted to clear his head of everything that had every happened to him. Like retrograde amnesia. It was painful leaving everything behind, but he knew he needed to do it. But it was so easy to leave everything behind. There was no particular thing holding him back, just memories. Harry wondered what would happen if he had decided to stay at home and just trap himself in his memories. But it would be like he was King Tantalus, just see all the memories happening around him but not being able to feel them again.

When everyone had hugged Harry and had bid their final goodbyes, Harry walked through the airport doors and, of course, turned around. He always wished he could be one of those people who don't look back after leaving, but he knew he wasn't. Those people were brave. Harry watched his family leave. There was something in Harry that told him to drop everything and chase after the car, not stopping until it did. Just cancel his plans for the future, just take him back home. But he knew he couldn't do that. He needed to make a life for himself. Become important to the world. Did life even have meaning if he wasn't important?

^^^^^

When Harry finally made it through security and made it to his gate, he sat down and took out his journal as he waited for the plane to begin boarding. He continued writing where he left off in his story.

There's nothing more intimate than becoming one person. Selling your soul to another person is like becoming one person. Some people consider marriage to be exchanging souls. That's why she finally wanted to take the next step. Her mind, every part of her, wanted to express her intimate self to the one she loved. Tell him how much he meant to her, but in a way that was even more intimate than the most intimate act. She had always wondered what could be more intimate than being inside each other? Well, she had finally thought of something. She smiled to herself at the thought. It would be the only way to ensure that they were together forever. Just the two of them.

He stopped writing as a man spoke next to him, "Are you a writer? Sorry, I was just looking over your shoulder."

Harry thought about his answer, considering all directions. "I just graduated with a degree in Creative Writing. I haven't published anything yet."

The man looked at him with curious eyes. "Is that what you're going to New York for?"

"Yes, actually."

The man smiled sincerely. "What you're writing right now, I would love to read if you do ever get published. I'm Jeff, by the way." The man held out his hand to shake, and Harry introduced himself. "You know, my dad actually is a major editor for a publishing house in New York. I can't think of the name, though. Can I get your number to give to him?"

Harry's eyes stayed frozen on the man, as if he were waiting for him to make a joke of it. "Really? I would be so grateful for that." Harry recited the number to the man as he put it in his phone. "This is such a coincidence. Thank you so much."

The man smiled. "No worries. Like I said, what you're writing deserves to be seen by the whole world." Harry couldn't believe that something like this had happened so fast. This was such a special opportunity, and it was almost too good to be true. This could be it. All that Harry needs to get his book published and finally let the whole world hear his voice. Before their conversation could continue further, the announcer over the loud speaker told them that their flight could begin boarding. "It was nice meeting you, Harry. Good luck."

"You, too. Again, thank you so much for this. I'm so grateful." The man smiled as the two walked towards their two different boarding groups.

Harry couldn't believe what was happening. Before he even got to New York, he managed to meet someone who supposedly had inside into the publishing world. He wasn't a person that normally expressed emotion outworldly, but he couldn't help but bounce on the balls of his feet as he was waiting to start boarding.

When he finally made it to his seat on the plane, he pulled out his phone to quickly text his mum that he was on the plane safely, and that they'll take off soon.

A few minutes after Harry had sat down, two men and a toddler, maybe about four, Harry thought, walked to the seats next to him. One of the men had to sit across the aisle, and Harry almost felt bad for breaking their group up. The man who sat down in Harry's row smiled at Harry as he started to buckle the little boy in the middle. Harry could tell the man was getting frustrated because the kid kept on fighting back the seatbelt.

"Luke, you have to let me put on your seatbelt. Sit still," his, presumably, dad ordered. But Luke still fought his dad, pushing against the belt and wiggling around, until he looked over at Harry who was watching the scene with slight amusement on his face.

"Are you scared?" Harry turned to make eye contact with the boy who was starting up at his with big eyes.

Harry took a moment to collect his thoughts. "Well, I've been in planes lots of times," he started as he recalled all the times he flew to Ireland to visit Niall, "and they're a lot of fun. You get to zoom up in the sky and look down at all the people and cars and houses that look like ants. Isn't that fun?" Harry talked with a big goofy smile on his face while making hand and arm motions, trying to entertain the boy.

The dad watched with a smile on his face. Luke now had a giant grin on his face, mirroring Harry's. "Sounds fun. Can I look out the window?" he said while pointing to it.

Harry had a better idea in his mind. "Why don't you sit here, and I'll sit where your dad is?" 

Harry wasn't entirely sure if the boy exactly understood what he was suggesting, but he responded with, "But I wanna sit nex' to you." The boy pouted around the thumb in his mouth. "Can I sit on your lap?" In Luke's mind, this was even a better idea.

Of course Harry wouldn't have minded, he loved kids. But he didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable. "Ask your dad first."

Luke turned to the man on his left and pulled on his shirt to get his attention. "Can I sit on his lap, Daddy?"

His dad looked to Harry and asked, "Do you mind?" Harry shook his head. "Ask Papa if that's okay." The man was clearly too tired to really think of anything to say to his son.

The boy leaned as far out as he could to talk to the other man across the aisle. Harry saw the man eye him as he nodded. The boy quickly climbed over the armrest to plop down on Harry and excitedly look out the window. Harry was a bit too entranced with the family in front of him to pay attention to what Luke was doing. The man closer to his caught his eye and shook his head, clearly thinking that Harry was judging him. Harry didn't want him to think that so he spoke up, "Sorry, you just have a beautiful family. I'd honestly be a bit of a hypocrite if I judged you." Harry chuckled as did the man. He was silently surprised at himself for just casually outing himself. Maybe this would be a new adventure for himself. "'M Harry, by the way."

The man leaned over the, now, empty seat to shake Harry's hands. "I'm Nick. Nice to meet you."

"Are you going on a holiday?" Harry asked with a curious voice since he had heard English accents in all of them.

The man nodded. "Yeah, we're going to Los Angeles. We thought it would be fun to take him over there while he was still young. Are you stopping in New York?" he asked continuing the conversation.

Harry smiled as he answered. "Yeah, I'm actually moving there, so I'm excited."

The man's eyebrows flew up. "Wow, I would have never been brave enough to leave home when I was your age. I wish you good luck on everything." He smiled, and it was made clear to Harry that that was the end of the conversation. Brave, he thought to himself. That's one word he would had never used for himself. Brave is the word to describe people who do things without thought. Who jump into action at the slightest happening. That wasn't Harry.

The whole leaving London scenario felt real now that he was on a plane. But it was a bit different than he pictured since there was a child on his lap. Harry could feel the butterflies in his tummy as the flight attendant started giving instructions in case of emergency. When they were getting closer to taking off, Luke's dad forcibly pulled him off Harry's lap, so he would have a seatbelt on him.

Harry soon drifted off as soon as they were in the sky, awaiting what was to come in only eight hours.

About halfway through the flight, Harry woke up to some turbulence. It wasn't much, but it was enough for Harry to get slightly worried. Rubbing his eyes, he looked to the family next to him and saw that they were all asleep. Thinking about them caused Harry to think about what his future may look like. Would it at all be possible for him to have a family and go on holiday with them? He had never even had a boyfriend, so, really, Harry couldn't see it happening in the near future. Love was something he craved so badly. Not just the love between friends and family but intimate and passionate love. Something that nobody ever has the words for. Not even Harry, with all his metaphors and figurative language, he couldn't fathom being able to describe love. Not that he'd ever felt it, but he wanted to, so badly. He wanted nothing more than his passionate love to turn into companionate love. To be with someone for the rest of his life seemed like a dream to him. Being able to grow old with someone by his side would be a dream come true. He was most definitely a romantic and pretty unashamedly, as well.

Harry pulled out his journal and got some more writing done before drifting off again. And if he dreamed about falling in love, it wouldn't be anybody's business but his own.

He woke up again, right before the plane was about to land. He could feel the jitters popping up more and more in his body, and his leg was bouncing up and down fast, like he was preparing to run a race.

The plane started descending faster, and Harry could feel his ears popping because of the altitude change. It only reminded him that he was that much closer to being in America.

The plane touched the ground, and it started shaking as it was slowing down. The plane's shaking seemed to mirror Harry's entire body. When the plane stopped moving, the pilot started talking over the speaker, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. We have safely landed, so await further instructions from your flight attendants. Welcome to New York; it is a cool seventy degrees with sunny skies. Have a great day and thanks for flying."

He made it. He was now in New York, and there was no better feeling than not knowing what was to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading and i hope you enjoy!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> harry's first couple hours in new york

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i literally spent all of yesterday thinking it was friday, so i didn't post this, so i apologize for that. but here's the next chapter. as always, kudos, comments, and constructive criticism are welcome. all the love, cassidy.

He probably expected something a little more cliche than what had actually happened. Movies don't portray all the different questions people get asked at customs. They don't portray all the times people get lost. And they don't portray the non-glamorous parts of coming to a different country, like worrying if he lost his luggage or having to exchange his money which confused him a lot.

In reality, Harry was terrified. He didn't know what the hell to do honestly. No schooling could have prepared him for the moment where he was officially on his own. The biggest thing that both excited and worried Harry was that he had no idea what to expect on the other side of the airport doors. New York could be nothing like he expected, and he could end up hating it, and that terrified him.

But, Harry did manage to get one thing right, at least. He bought an apartment before he got here. Granted, it took up most of his savings, and he didn't have a job yet, but that's another issue for another time. Harry walked outside, beyond the sliding glass doors, and maybe he expected some cheering? Or maybe more attention than what was given. Like the spotlight effect. All he got was the sound of horns beeping and people yelling. He could smell gas, and the air was definitely a lot less cleaner than London's. He expected that one, though.

At that moment, Harry realized he didn't figure out a way to get to his new apartment. Luckily, a cab pulled up to the curb where he was standing and asked, "Need a ride?" Harry nodded quickly, and put all his luggage in the trunk before climbing in the back. "Where ya headed?" Harry mentally made note of the strong New York accent. Harry gave the man his new address. "Brooklyn, ya live there?"

"It's my new home, yeah," Harry said while smiling a bit at the words coming out of his mouth. His new home.

"That accent, English?" the driver asked as he was able to pull away from the curb.

"Yeah, it's my first time here." Harry knew he was giving the man short answers, but, really, he didn't expect his first conversation in America to be with a taxi driver.

"Well, welcome. The land of the free, and the home of the brave. Nothing like it here." Harry said his thanks, as always before looking out the window at the buildings. He couldn't help but feel like he just wanted to sleep. It was nearing mid-day, so his jet lag was definitely hitting him.

A few more minutes went by before Harry asked the driver, "What part of New York is this?"

The driver was focused on the road for a few more seconds before answering, "We're in Queens. Brooklyn's the adjacent borough to the southeast; Staten Island's southeast of that; Manhattan is northeast of Brooklyn and Queens; the Bronx is northwest of that."

Harry felt overwhelmed. "I'll try to remember that."

The driver peered through the rearview mirror at Harry and gave him a sympathetic smile. It was very obvious that Harry was confused. "You'll get it eventually. If you're gonna take the subway every day, then I would invest in a MetroCard. It'll save you a lot in the end. Take time learning the subway maps. It'll be a piece of cake eventually."

At this point, Harry didn't know what he was expecting when he came here. The buildings outside looked nothing like he thought they ever would. They're short and made of brick. But, at the same time, that intrigued Harry. There was a whole other side to New York that nobody really knew about. Also, Harry couldn't imagine how much history that was present in these streets. Harry always loved learning about everything, so getting this opportunity to learn so much was so fascinating to him.

After about half an hour more in the cab, Harry paid and made his way up the steps to the front door of his new apartment. He buzzed the doorbell for the manager. After about a couple seconds, the door opened to a very happy and pudgy man. "You must be Harry! Nice to meet you!" the boisterous man said as he opened the door. "How was your flight?" They started walking back towards, presumably, his office.

"It was good, thanks," Harry said as he resisted an urge to yawn.

The man opened another door and gestured Harry to sit in the chair in front of the desk while he sat in the large, black swivel chair. They went over small things in the contract such as what Harry was allowed to do and not do and some things about paying rent. Harry felt worried. If he wasn't able to pay his rent on time, since he doesn't have a job, then his mum would have to pay. She only agreed to do that for a month. He would be kicked out after that.

The older man slid the contract across the desk to Harry, along with a fancy looking pen. Harry picked up the pen that would practically decide his future. No going back now, Harry thought.

The last thing Harry needed to do was to hand over the money that was due now. He gave him the checks that represented all of Harry's savings and more. He was really doing this. This was it. 

"So apartment #3P is all yours. Here're your keys and happy staying!" The man shook his hand before showing Harry out of the office. That was it. Harry was now left to himself. Now he wandered around a bit before finding the elevator. He didn't feeling like walking up three flights of stairs in his tired state.

The keys jingled as Harry unlocked the door. This was what Harry came to New York for. When he was met with the sight of his apartment, he was reminded what he was here to do. The living room was off to his left, after a small hallway and separated by a small wall. It was a black and white feel with small furniture giving a modern feel to the apartment. Turning right, there was the kitchen. It was simple with light brown cabinets and a white countertop. The table was a small one that had bright yellow chairs which caused Harry to smile a bit. Past the kitchen, on the other side of the wall, was the bathroom which had concrete floors and the walls were white bricks. Harry wandered into the bedroom that was next to the bathroom. This bedroom stood out to him so much when looking for apartments because it was L-shaped. When he walked in he had a long rectangle space with a small sitting area near the window that he figured would be great to look out during Christmas. If he walked to the bottom of the L, he found his bed that fit perfectly. Next to his bedroom was a plain office space with two closets.

When Harry finished walking around, he dropped everything in his room, deciding he would deal with it later. He plopped down on the bed, making him feel like at home. It had already been a very long day, and all Harry wanted to do was sleep. But, he was determined to beat the jet lag, so he pulled out his phone to search for coffee shops nearby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading and i hope you enjoyed!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> harry meets louis and gets a call from a potential publisher

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, everyone! i hope you enjoy this chapter and thanks for reading. kudos, comments, and constructive criticism are always welcome. all the love, cassidy.

When Harry was searching for coffee shops, one of the first to pop up, only about half a mile away, was called "Steeplechase Coffee Shop." He figured that it would do as well as any, grabbed all his necessary items, and headed out the door.

^^^^^

"Afternoon, Louis!" Louis smiled at his co-worker's words as he stepped behind the bar and grabbed an apron. "Wanna take the orders today?" They all would rather be the ones making the coffee rather than speaking to customers.

Louis nodded. "Sure, but you owe me one; I did it yesterday, too." Louis smiled at the customer in front of him. "What could I get you?"

"Just a black coffee, please."

Louis could hear the familiar accent in the guy's voice. "Coming right up. You can wait right here. Nice to hear someone from home. Where ya from?" Louis spoke over his shoulder as he prepared the coffee.

"Chesire in Manchester." The guy spoke quietly and timidly, almost as if he was afraid to say the wrong thing. Louis felt slightly disappointed from that because the customer was quite pretty and definitely Louis' type.

"Donny, Doncaster, myself." The customer smiled. Louis turned back around to grab the now finished coffee. "Name for the order?" Louis asked as he handed the coffee over.

"Harry. Thanks." Louis sighed. Either the customer didn't notice his attempt at flirting, or he just didn't care. What kind of barista asks for a name after the order is done? Louis inwardly sighed. Even if the guy was gay, there would be no way that he would be interested. Harry was probably some up-and-coming model who moved to New York.

Harry turned and found an empty table to sit at. Louis subtly watched as he took out a notebook and began writing.

On Harry's side, he confirmed that he was not able to talk to attractive guys at all. He considered never coming back to this place, so he'll never have to show his face to the worker ever again because of how embarrassed he was. Harry looked to the guy again and mentally cursed as he made eye contact with him. He internally cringed at how awkward he was as he quickly looked away while noting the smirk that lingered on the worker's face.

Even though typing on a computer would be much more efficient in getting writing done, Harry always preferred to write in a notebook. It always had felt more real and genuine than the hard keys of a computer. Using a notebook for Harry was like tapping into the more humanistic side of him that allowed him to be more honest.

As soon as Harry was getting more entranced with his story, his phone started vibrating while flashing an unknown number on the screen. Harry answered it while speaking as softly as he could as to not disturb the people around him. "Hello?"

The man on the other side cleared his throat before responding. "Hello, is this Harry Styles?"

Harry responded, growing more suspicious. "This is Irving Azoff from HarperCollins Publishers; my son said that he met you at the airport and told me about you."

Realization swept into Harry's mind. This was a real publishing company. This was a real opportunity. "Oh, yes, Jeff, right?"

"Yes, he spoke great words about you. So, I would like to meet you," Irving said causing Harry to feel winded.

Harry had to take a few moments to compose himself. "Yes! I would love that opportunity. When should Iー"

"Would you be able to meet as soon as possible? I have a couple hours until my next meeting I need to be in."

Harry thought for a moment as his anxiety kicked in because of his true inability to navigate New York. "Yes! I'll be there as soon as I can, sir."

"Okay, great. See you then, Mr. Styles."

Harry had to take a breath to calm himself down from that phone conversation. Never in a million years would he have thought that he could have gotten such an amazing opportunity just from writing in an airport. He quickly typed in the name of the publishing house and found the address.

As soon as he was about to get up and leave the coffee shop, he kinda realized that he had absolutely no clue how to navigate the subway station. So, he thought of the next best alternative. The worker. Harry guessed that this guy probably would know his way around New York.

Harry started walking up to the worker, slowly, who was standing at the counter near the cash register. The worker looked up and smiled. Harry mentally took note of his name which was Louis.

"Did you want a refill?"

Harry started probably really awkwardly at the guy. "Erm, no." This sentence got Louis' hopes up. Maybe, just maybe, he wanted to get to know Louis more. But, no. "Sorry, I just got here, and I have to take the subway even though I don't know how to. So, erm, do you have any tips?" Harry attempted to stop himself before he rambled for too long.

Fortunately, Louis' smile only grew. Maybe his fondness too, but nobody else needed to know that. "Yeah, where're you headed?"

Harry quickly looked down at his phone. "Broadway?"

Louis chuckled a bit at the guy's confusion because it was so endearing to watch. "Okay, I'd get on the subway at Fort Hamilton Pkwy, it's only about a five minute walk, and buy a MetroCard, if you don't have one. If you enter the address on your phone, it's a lot easier to figure it all out."

Harry smiled in relief, even though he was slightly embarrassed because all he had to do was enter it on his phone. "Thank you so much!"

"Yeah, no problem, Harry," Louis said with a wink as Harry left the shop.

Harry began walking as he listened to where the navigation was telling him to go. He thought back to the wink that Louis had given him. Obviously, he didn't know him at all, but he still felt attracted to him. He was really attractive, and maybe that wink was trying to drop a hint? The more logical part of his brain was telling him that that was the way Louis always treated people. It's his first time in America, so who is he to say.

When he got to the subway station, he was proud of himself for finding the place where he could buy the MetroCard. In a dull voice, the lady behind the glass window asked, "Would you like to put on an amount. Or would you like a weekly or monthly card?"

Harry thought for a moment, not expecting to have to make this decision. "Uh, monthly, please." 

The lady rummaged for a bit before saying, "It'll be $121, sir."

Harry hesitated for a moment, not expecting the amount of money to be so high. In all honesty though, he had no idea how much that was compared to pounds, but it sounded like a lot. He assumed that he would be riding the subway a lot from now on, at least he hoped. "Just swipe at the machines over there," the lady said as she handed him a blue and yellow plastic card.

Harry, feeling a bit lost, watched as another lady swiped her card and followed suit. After he got through, he typed the address into his phone which gave him the names of the trains he should get on. The first one was the F train, so he wandered around until he saw a sign that said the correct name.

A few minutes went by before the train pulled up in front of him. He quickly rushed in after all the people exiting as he held on tight to his valuables. Unfortunately, he didn't get a seat, but he was able to hold on to a metal pole. Harry quickly learned his lesson as the train lurched forward causing him to step on a man's foot who gave him an eye roll in response to his apology.

With the awkward and crowded silence on the train, Harry's mind wandered over to the worker Louis in the coffee shop. He was truly taken aback at just how beautiful he was. True, Harry didn't know anything about the guy, but he couldn't help but want to go back and learn everything about him. However, Harry had no doubt in his mind that they guy thought he was crazy.

Whereas on Louis' side, he didn't think of that Harry guy crazy at all. Maybe a little bit over excited. For all he knew, though, Harry was straight as a lampost. Louis was just hoping he could crash his car into it and maybe create a little bend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh, i don't really like this chapter, but i hope you could enjoy it!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> harry gets asked out on a date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, everyone! thank you for reading this chapter. as always, kudos, comments, and constructive criticism are welcome. things in the story are finally starting to move along. all the love, cassidy.

Gold and stone and bronze and statues. Grand Central Station was such a beautiful sight to see. Despite the crowds and despite the noise, everything just absolutely stunned Harry. When he was able to get a good look at everything that surrounded him, one could say that Harry mirrored the statues. Even though Harry really had to get going to meet his possible new publisher, he couldn't help but just stop and smell the roses for a quick second. He was really here. It was the first time that Harry had registered that this was New York, the city of his dreams. This is where people fall in love, where people follow their dreams. It was only up to Harry to decide where his life would end up going.

Grand Central Station was the ultimate symbol of what New York was. The gold walls contrasting with the green ceiling, something that wouldn't normally work, but it did. The diversity of New York, something that, in theory, shouldn't work, but it did. The giant clock just symbolic of everything New York stood for: dreams, diversity, success, ability.

^^^^^

By the time Harry arrived, the sun looked like it was just about to begin setting. It really was a beautiful sight, giving the air a summer feel to it while the weather remained perfect, just warm enough to walk around comfortably. It's pretty safe to say that Harry had already fallen in love with New York, even if it just was with the parts that he could visibly see.

He walked inside and walked into the elevator, pressing the button for what was (hopefully) the right floor. The elevator doors opened, and he was met with the sight of a large desk with a woman sitting behind. She made eye contact and almost instantly her eyes lit up. "You must be Harry. I'm Casandra, the secretary for Mr. Azoff. Nice to meet you." She shook Harry's hand once she made her way from behind the desk. "I'll show you the way to his office." She was small, almost completely hidden behind the desk until she stood up, only the top of her head could be seen. Her blonde hair moved back and forth in her ponytail as he walked, and her heels clicked as she walked. She looked very professional.

They walked down a hall, and Harry felt like his standard jeans and t-shirt were very out of place. The offices were all made of glass, so one could easily see into the work space. His favorite part of the building was the fact that it was skyscraper in Manhattan. He could easily see out the windows, and the view was just breathtaking. Some of the buildings were shorter, and some were taller. The feeling was very trapping and almost like he wouldn't want to look down, but it was magical, nonetheless.

They arrived at the correct office door which had a name carved into the glass. How, fancy and how, rich. A man who sitting behind the desk ushered for them to come in, or more specifically, Harry.

"Harry! It's so nice to meet you!" the man said when Casandra opened the door for him.

Harry was caught for a moment, not expecting sudden friendliness from someone with so much power. "You too, Mr. Azoff," Harry said while shaking hands for the second time that day.

The man smiled warmly at him before gesturing to a seat in front of the desk. Mr. Azoff walked around the desk and unbuttoned his suit jacket before sitting down. "Do you have a manuscript, Mr. Styles?" Okay, so, right to the issue at hand.

Harry may or may not have started mildly sweating and shaking. This could be it. This meeting could possibly determine what will happen with his life for the next few months. "Not yet, sir."

The older man nodded his head before taking a note on his notepad. "You are currently working on something, correct?" He already knew the answer because Harry had emailed him a copy of the document before coming here, as requested over the phone.

Harry nodded before saying, "Yes, sir."

He took another note. The whole notepad thing was really stressing him out. He felt like he was in a therapist's office. "Well, I hate to inform you that I have all the information I need from you for right now. I hope you didn't travel too far." Well. "I'll have Casandra call you soon to set up another meeting as soon as I finish reviewing your work." He stood up from the chair and buttoned his jacket, Harry following suit, just without the jacket. "I'll show you out."

^^^^^

Harry decided that he would go to Central Park. Since he did come all the way over here practically for nothing. Harry typed it into his phone, and he found out that it wasn't actually too far from where he was at the moment.

Someone should have warned him about the hotdogs. They were fucking magical. Perfectly cooked, perfectly seasoned. Harry would never had guessed that American food had so much potential. As he sat on a bench, enjoying his new love interest, he was able to look out at the amazing greenery that surrounded him. It was as if a leprechaun decided to use this small rectangle in the middle of Manhattan as its' playground. The whole scene was just really peaceful. He could see kids still chasing each other on the grass as parents waved them to start packing up, finished with their summer picnic. A few years ago, Harry would have looked at that scene and felt nostalgic maybe of his childhood or maybe of being around his family constantly. But, now, he looks at the scene and sees what he might have in the future. So, maybe there was hope that he would move on from whatever loneliness he's been feeling for the last couple days.

But, sometimes loneliness wasn't just about physically not having anyone around. It was also a mental and emotional state. It was really hard to get rid of the feeling of loneliness when Harry first left home for college. Eventually, he realized that sometimes loneliness was a state of mind that one has to learn to accept. If he gave it permission to consume him, that's where he would be in trouble. Along the way, he learned how to live side-by-side with that loneliness that once handicapped him. After all, even loneliness needs a friend.

^^^^^

As soon as Harry settled at home, his phone started ringing. He answered it and was happy to hear a familiar voice over the speaker.

"Hey, mate!" Harry attempted an overjoyed voice but excitement never really made an appearance.

"Hey, buddy, just got home and thought I'd called and check in to see how everything's going so far?"

Harry pondered for a moment. "It's a really big city." He heard Niall laugh on the other end because he didn't know what Harry meant by that. Subtext at its finest. "But this place is so amazing, Niall. I can't wait until you can visit, you'd love it here."

"Anywhere that has alcohol is a place I can enjoy." They both chuckled for a moment. "Anyways, how's the apartment?"

"Yeah, all good." Harry continued by telling Niall about the possible publishing deal. Niall seemed to be more excited than Harry was. "Oh, I totally embarrassed myself in front of a hot guy today." Niall gasped over-dramatically, prompting Harry to tell him the rest of the story.

"You should go back tomorrow and try to make yourself seem less embarrassing," Niall said very point-blank.

"Thanks, Niall, for the confidence." Niall knew he was joking though. "Anyways, I'll think about it. I gotta go, bye."

Harry wandered back into his room and stared out the window in his bedroom. The building that he could mostly see, along with a tiny sliver of lights from downtown, made him feel slightly trapped. As if it was closing in on him, and lights in the corner were only teasing him and showing him what he couldn't have.

^^^^^

The next morning, Harry woke up feeling a little bit better and a little more like the place actually belonged to him. The wonders of sleep. He traveled into the bathroom, quickly realizing he needed a shower curtain before he could actually do what he so wanted and needed.

After what seemed like hours, Harry finally found a Target that was mildly close to him. It was almost an hour walk, but he wasn't in the mood for spending more money than he had to. Besides, walking may give him an opportunity to explore more of his new home and make it feel more like home. When he was new to college, every once in a while, he would walk the long way back to the dorm because something about really knowing a place gave him more of an opportunity for it to feel like home.

^^^^^

Right on time, at the bright and early 8:30 AM, Louis walked into the cafe to start getting everything ready for the day. Louis had the full eight-hour shift and was not so pleased about it, but at least he didn't have to close. When he was about to switch the sign to open, he heard the bell ring, and his coworker walked in.

"Hey, Louis, I have a favor to ask," he waited patiently as Louis just stared at him with one hand on a coffee machine.

"Hi, Louis! How are you today? I'm good, Li. Thanks for asking. I'm good, but I do have a favor to ask," Louis said with a hint of playfulness.

Liam rolled his eyes at his passive-aggressiveness. "Can you please please please close today? I have a date, and I really can't be late."

Of course, the one thing Louis didn't want to do. All he wanted was to do home at six and cuddle up with his blankets and watch Netflix. "Fine. But you owe me another cashier day." He pointed his finger at him almost accusingly.

"Thank you! You're the best," he yelled too loudly. Liam walked back to the door and flipped the sign, something Louis still had neglected to do.

^^^^^

Harry had taken a couple laps around the store before he found what he was looking for. The shower curtain he thought would match the bathroom. He considered getting a clear curtain because, essentially, that is what would work best, but decided against it just in case he ever had anyone over. So instead, he got the bright yellow one. His main reasoning behind choosing such a bold color was the fact that it would match the chairs in the kitchen. But if he also chose because of its bright and happy, color, then only he would know. While there, he decided that he would buy some picture frames to add more personality to the apartment. He also may or may not have bought some really cheap wine because, why not?

^^^^^

Drip. Drip. Drip. There was only so much one could do when there were no customers in the shop and nothing left to do. Drip. Drip. Drip. Louis watched as the last of the coffee slowly dripped into the awaiting pot.

Alas, customers finally started coming in.

When that guy Harry came in, Louis swore the whole shop stopped to gape at him. But, it was honestly just him. His cheeks were pink, and his hair was slightly wet, probably freshly showered. Louis couldn't help but start to think about Harry washing his body and the soap suds ever so slowly runningー

"Louis?!" Liam called at him, looking slightly pissed off.

Well, that snapped Louis out of his thoughts. He turned slightly red at the two pairs of eyes staring at him. "Sorry?"

Liam sighed under his breath. "For the third time, can you make this gentleman an Americano for here?" He had one hand on his hip and the other on the cash register.

Louis finally got the memo. "Right, sorry, coming right up." Flustered, he started making the drink, trying not to mess it up as he goes as soon as possible.

Harry walked to the end of the counter where Louis would eventually place the drink. Even though it was the only one he was making at the time, he still put Harry's name on the side of the mug in washable marker, just to tell Harry that he still remembered his name.

Louis was about to say something while handing him the drink, probably along the lines of something professional, when Harry asked randomly, "Do you pronounce your name like 'Lewis' or 'Louieee'?" Harry pointed to his name tag.

Of course, he couldn't help a small smile forming on his lips. This guy was really the cutest thing he's ever seen. "Louieee," he answered, dragging out the 'e.' "I'm hurt; did you forget I'm not from America?" He faked sadness by slapping his hand on his heart.

Harry smirked at the ground. "No, I didn't. I was just checking." He lowered his voice and blushed before saying, "Making sure I know how to say the name of the guy I fell asleep thinking about."

"What was that, love?" Louis asked not hearing the last comment.

Harry looked absolutely mortified. Practically a deer in headlights. "Oh, just that you're still holding my coffee." Harry turned red, thanking his quick thinking.

"Oh, sorry, here you go. First refill is free." Louis handed him the steaming cup of coffee, expecting Harry to turn around and leave, but he lingered. His insides started to stir with hope. "Anything else I could get you?" He slowly turned to Liam who gave him a pointed look because refills are indeed not free, and if he came back to get one, his paycheck was where the money would come from.

Harry made eye contact with Louis causing him to have the desire to turn away, because, damn, those eyes are so intimidating. Very green and amazing but intimidating. "Right, yeah, erm, you were such a big help yesterday, and," Louis couldn't help the smile growing on his face. Harry caught it, his own smile growing, "I was wondering if you knew any good banks around here?" Banks. He wanted to know about banks.

Louis felt his smile fall, but he quickly recovered. "Um, well, there's one called TD Bank around here, only a few blocks away. It's the one I use actually; rates are low, bit more expensive, but it's fine overall." Louis started rambling with an expert tone of voice. Harry smiled at him, pleased with the response, and all Louis could think about for a moment was how amazing his smile was. But, no, he had to be professional or risk getting fired.

"Thank you, Louis. You're such a big help." Harry flashed a smile once more (and one would think he was trying to get Louis killed, at this point) before taking his coffee and sitting down at a nearby table.

It had been a few hours, and Louis was tired of just standing there. His feet knew it was just about his break time. Just as he was going to pull off the apron and have his lunch in the back, his manager came out from her office and told him to start sweeping the floors since there were next to none customers in the shop. He glanced over at Harry before grabbing the mop, and he seemed to be doing the same thing as he did when it got here, typing furiously on his laptop.

After mopping the majority of the floor, he moved closer to where Harry had taken up stake. He was definitely very uncomfortably close, definitely shouldn't be doing this with a customer right there. Actually, he was so close that he felt something tap his hip and water splash on his leg. He looked down, confused, only to see that Harry's notebook was swimming in the dirty water. His fucking notebook that had actual paper in it and was definitely not waterproof.

Louis quickly bent down and fished it out the water while beginning to apologize profusely, "Oh, Harry I'm so so sorry. I can't believe...I'm so sorry, Harry."

To be quite honest, Louis didn't know what to do. But, apparently Harry did because he ripped the notebook from his hands and stalked off towards the bathroom, muttering curse words.

As Louis walked back to the counter, Liam said, "Good going." That comment only gave him a middle finger.

^^^^^

Harry grumbled under his breath as he tried to dry off the notebook under the hand dryer. He was pissed, yes, but he also understood that it was an accident. More so, he was just concerned at the state of his notebook. His phone started buzzing in his pocket as he quickly fished it out of his pocket.

"What?" he muttered coming off more annoyed than he really was. It was mostly that his whole career was dependent upon what was in this notebook.

Harry's sister's voice was full of surprise as she answered. "Hey, Harry. Glad to hear your voice, too."

He mentally groaned. Of course, he wanted to talk to his older sister, but, at the moment, he only had one thing on his mind. "Sorry, Gem. I'm a little caught up with something, but it's fine. What's up?" His voice returned to normal.

"Well, I just wanted to see how things were going so far. Everything settled?" her strong accent echoed in Harry's brain reminding him of home.

"Uh yeah, mostly. Still doing last minute stuff, but I did manage to possibly get a publisher already." Gemma told him her congrats, and they continued their conversation as Harry walked back out of the bathroom. The notebook was sufficiently dried, and everything was still readable. He was able to calm down.

As he walked back to his table, he realized his laptop was no longer on the table and started freaking out inside. "I have to go, Gem," he said, interrupting her. "I'll talk to you later. Love and miss you. Bye."

Over on the other side of the counter, Louis sighed to himself as he listened in on the conversation. He knew it was too good to be true. Louis caught a glance of Harry struggling to find his laptop, so he grabbed it from under the counter and made his way to Harry and tapped him on the shoulder. "I put it behind the counter before anyone could take it," he said as Harry turned around.

Harry looked surprised yet relieved. "Oh, erm, thanks I guess." He took the laptop from his hands.

They both were left awkwardly staring at each other. Louis wanted to ask this guy out so badly, but considering he might be dating a girl, and he just fucked up big time, he figured that this would not be the best time. "I am really sorry for the notebook, Harry."

"Thanks, it's fine. Everything is still legible." Harry opened the book to show Louis that the writing was still there.

"That's great. I will definitely still get you a new one, that is if you decide on every coming back," Louis said awkwardly. Since when did Louis ever get awkward in social situations?

Harry chuckled a bit. "Yes, I'll be back, but, really, no need for a new one." All that Harry would ever need for his book was already written down.

Louis shook his head and waved his hands. "No, I insist. I can bring one tomorrow," Louis said definitively. Harry smiled at the determination. "You have a really nice smile, Harry." And, fuck, that was not supposed to slip out like that. "I'm sorry, again, that was unprofessionalー"

Harry chuckled again, but this time his cheeks were tinted pink. "You're fine, really, Louis." He took a deep breath. "And you have a really nice smile, too." Louis may or may not have died a bit inside.

^^^^^

Louis walked into Barnes & Noble and headed straight for the notebooks. Usually, whenever Louis came here, he would walk out with around fifty items because he couldn't make up his mind. This place was a maze for people who loved reading and learning. Cupid didn't need an arrow, just a book.

He found the section and scanned his options. Okay, he doesn't know much about Harry. He seemed like he enjoyed simplistic things. But, Louis was only guessing. It was a start, though.

He was about to give up and just choose a navy-blue book that was wrapped in plastic when one caught his eye. It was brown distressed leather. There was discoloration, but it made it look appealing to the right eye. The thing that stood out to him was the straps that were simply tied together to secure it closed. That was the one.

^^^^^

As Harry walked out of the bank, he felt like he was really winning at the whole "adulting" thing. He got a brand-new card coming in the mail and a good chunk of money on the card. In reality, that'll only last him the next couple months in his apartment. Harry was really feeling like just relaxing with a glass of wine, ready to write some more.

He hurried on home as it was getting dark and there weren't many people around. It really gave him some time to think. He had been in the city for two days, yet it still didn't feel like home. It's not that Harry was expecting some magic to happen so that as soon as he stepped off the plane, he would know that this was where he belonged.

No, not at all.

Okay, maybe a little.

If he was being honest, the whole vastness of New York really freaked him out still. There were so many people with so many stories and how could he possibly begin to comprehend the amount that currently exists? He was Mighty Casey except it was only himself that relied on him. Exploring was the only option he had at the moment, but between his life requirements and his writing, he didn't know when to do that.

Just as Harry started to think about his book, his phone started ringing. It was Casandra from the publishing house. She took note of his phone number before he left yesterday. His heart did a somersault. He answered.

"Hi, Harry. It's Casandra. I have partially good news." His heart sunk at hearing "partially."

"Well, Mr. Azoff finished reading your in-progress manuscript. He would like to meet with you again. Is tomorrow at noon good for you, Harry?"

"Yes, of course. Thanks for calling."

"No problem. Bye." Harry heard the call tone disappear. Although he was quite confused with the whole "partially good news." The whole thing sounded like really good news, so Harry wondered where the problem could be.

^^^^^

The next morning, Louis walked into work with a skip in his step. Liam glared at him; he was not a morning person. "What's got you so happy today?"

He shrugged. "I slept in." Eager to change the subject, he said, "How was the date?"

"Crappy, as usual. Guys in New York really suck." He made eye contact with Louis before a group of rowdy teenagers walked in.

"You know, I keep telling you that you and Zayn would hit it off with a bit of flirting." Liam rolled his eyes in response, so Louis just turned and started messing with the coffee machines.

About an hour had passed, and Louis was extremely bored, as usual. But, right on time (time meaning the peak of Louis' boredom), the walking angel (also known as Harry) walked into the shop. They made eye contact, and Louis' stomach instantly erupted into butterflies. Like those butterfly cages at fairs? Yeah, exactly like that. Harry walked to Liam to order. "I'll take a black coffee, please?"

Just as Liam turned around to start making it, Louis interrupted his actions. "Li, I got it." He almost felt Harry's smirk behind him. When it was done, Louis walked to the end of the counter to hand him his drink. (Harry was totally watching his bum as he was walking, but he would never actually admit to that). "Harry! I have a black coffee for you!" Louis yelled loudly with a smirk, totally ignoring the fact that Harry was standing right in front of him.

"Oh, be quiet," Harry said, his voice deep and velvet. He wondered if he hadn't spoken today until he got here. Even though his tone was serious, he couldn't help but chuckle at Louis' playfulness.

Louis noticed that they had more customers coming in, so he reluctantly handed Harry his coffee with a smile. "Saved by the bell."

And almost without missing a beat, Harry said, "Literally saved by the bell, cause, you know, the door has a bell."

Louis glared at him. "Go sit down and drink your coffee." He heard Harry laugh as he walked away.

The customers kept coming in, and it was really the worst day for that to happen since Louis was so anxious about giving Harry his gift.

About half an hour later, they finally had an empty line, so Louis took the opening. "Li, I'll be right back," he said, leaving Liam look very confused but didn't question it.

Louis skipped over to the break room and grabbed the gift that he wrapped and even put a little bow on. He attempted to calmly walk over to Harry, despite his shaking legs, and slid into the booth across from Harry.

Harry jumped from the sudden movement and grabbed his heart. "Jesus Christ. Don't do that."

Louis almost smiled in fond. "Listen, I felt bad, so I wanted to give you something." He handed Harry the gift that, now that Louis looks at it, was really badly wrapped. 

"No, Lou," Louis' heart jumped at the name, "you don't have to. I can't take this. I told you it was still readable."

"No, seriously, take it. I feel so bad; it's the only thing that'll make me feel better."

Harry glared at Louis but persisted to take it from his hands and open it anyways. "You're very manipulative, did you know that?" Harry huffed while Louis responded with a smile. As soon as Harry realized what it was, his face lit up causing Louis to die of fond.

Like, seriously.

Call the doctor.

"Louis, this is so amazing. I love it so much. Thank you. Wow. It's so nice! Thank you so much!" Harry rambled, clearly very in love with Louis' choice.

"You're welcome, Harry. I'm glad you like it." A few moments had passed while Louis stared at Harry who was flipping through the pages. "Harry," he looked up at Louis with his full attention. Damn, those eyes again. He could do this. He could do this. "I know we only met like two days ago, but would you like to go on a date with me?"

Harry stared at him, and Louis started sweating.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. This is weird. I'm sorry," Louis rambled as he slid out of the booth. He went to stand completely, but Harry's hand on his wrist stopped him. And, fuck, his hand was so big and warm. He sat back down.

Harry stared at him very bashfully. Louis felt very small under his gaze. "I mean I would definitely love to go on a date with you..." Louis definitely could hear a 'but' waiting to be said. "But, like you said, we don't know each other." Yep, there it was.

Louis was absolutely gutted. And embarrassed. "Right, yeah, sorry." He tried to stand up again. Harry, once again, stopped him. This dang man with his eyes and his hands.

"That's not what I meant, Louis," Harry said in a very deep tone of voice making Louis feel weak inside. And small, very small. "I was going to say that we could go hang out and get to know each other." And there goes all of Louis' self-esteem, and Harry could see that. "Like a friendship date?" Harry smiled. Okay, so, Louis' new-found weakness was Harry's smile.

Harry pulled out his phone and opened his contacts causing Louis to do the same.

"Tonight at 7?" Louis asked.

"Sounds good." Really, damn that smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading and i hope you enjoyed it!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> harry and louis go on a date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's the new chapter! i hope you enjoy and thank you so much for reading! as always, kudos, comments, and constructive criticism are always welcome! all the love, cassidy.

Both Harry and Louis gave one last smile to each other before heading in two different directions: Harry to the door, and Louis sashayed to the counter. "Hey, Liam." Louis leaned over the counter where a customer would normally stand. Liam simply raised his eyebrows at the boy, clearly not very entertained. "Guess what?" And the eyebrows went higher. "I have a date tonight," Louis stated, drawing out the last syllable.

Liam's eyebrows went even impossibly higher. "With the guy you were just talking to?" Louis nodded, and Louis could tell Liam was skeptical.

"Okay, be careful, Lou. I will close tonight, though."

Louis tapped the counter a couple times. "You were supposed to anyways, mate."

^^^^^

Casandra stood and walked around the desk as soon the elevator door opened to reveal Harry. She motioned over to a sitting area where she told him he could wait.

Harry was extremely anxious. His leg just wouldn't stop bouncing. So, in hope to remedy that and maybe distract him, he pulled out his phone and began to scroll through his Instagram account. If he was being honest, he wasn't very active. Social media to him was more of a suggestion than a requirement as some people believe. For the most part, he posted random pictures of things that he found artsy looking (which meant random ass things with a black and white filter). The only picture of himself consisted of him taking a photograph of another person (it was also his profile picture), and his face was completely covered. When he got bored after scrolling through his feed for a bit, he turned to *stalking* the cute coffee shop guy. He found his profile simply by looking up his name, so Harry clicked the first option and peered at the profile pic, and, yes, it was definitely him. His profile picture was of him with headphones on staring into the camera. Harry stared at it for probably way to long, and, fuck, he was getting a little hot.

Harry's head snapped up when he heard Casandra's desk phone ring. He locked his phone as if he was caught doing something he shouldn't have been doing. "Harry, you may see Mr. Azoff now." She smiled at him as he stood up and grabbed his bag.

When Harry arrived at the door, he took a big breath as he almost debated on turning back now, before it was too late. But, alas, it was a glass door. "Nervous?" Irving asked as Harry had actually walked in. Harry kicked himself when he realized he didn't even knock on the door, but just simply walked in. "Take a seat, Harry." At least, he didn't seem like he cared. Harry sat down like the seat was full of nails. "To get to the point, I have both good and bad news, Harry." In that exact moment, Harry's heart dropped down into the floor. The sweat definitely started coming. "As you know, my publishing company is very prestigious. We have to hold ourselves to a certain...standard with what we choose to publish. I'm very sorry to say this, Harry, but you're manuscript, so far, does not meet that standard." Harry's heart already reached the floor, so, now, it had traveled all the way down to hell. Irving stared at him, taking in the way his eyebrows had scrunched and how his lips protruded into a small pout. "But, Harry, I did say there was good news." His face lit up into more suspicion than anything. Irving took a breath and leaned over the desk. "I think both you and this story have potential. There's something inside of you that I know is there, but we just have to reach in and pull it out. So, before you ask, I am personally going to help you complete this story to the best of your ability."

Harry's face finally turned from suspicion to happiness (and a bit dumbfounded). "Really?" Irving nodded, chuckling a bit. "Thank you so much, Mr. Azoff. What do I need to do?" he questioned eagerly.

"Well, to start, I think we could meet three times a week, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, at let's say...nine in the morning. Does that work for you?" Harry nodded; it wasn't like he had anything else to do. "In the beginning what we could do is start editing the manuscript you've already given me. In between meetings, you continue writing, and we'll work with it as it comes. How does that sound?"

"That sounds wonderful, really great. Again, thank you so much for this." Harry smiled widely, dimples popping out.

"Well, I'll be seeing you in two days, this Friday." He stood up, and Harry did the same. They shook hands before Harry strolled out of the office, much calmer than he was walking in.

When Harry snagged a spot next to a pole on the train ride home, he pulled out his phone to continue stalking his date tonight. His profile still popped up on his phone, and Harry proceeded to scroll. Well, that was a lie, he was still stuck on the profile picture. Harry thought about following the guy, but he was never in the tradition to make the first move. But, then again, their date tonight was a friendship date, so maybe it wouldn't be that weird. The train stopped suddenly, and the man behind him stumbled into him, which caused his arm to bump, which caused his finger to press on a *certain* button that made itself very present now on the screen. The follow button. Harry internally cursed. There was no way of getting out of this; Louis had probably already seen the notification on his screen.

When Harry got back to his apartment, still embarrassed, Harry laid down on his very pink bed, that he also loved with all of his heart, to take a quick power nap before the date. The jet lag was still hitting him. However, Harry forgot to set his alarm, and the nap was not a power nap.

^^^^^

When Louis got off of work, he rushed over to his apartment (without even checking his phone) since he had less than an hour to get ready. Upon arriving, he quickly find his roommate in his studio space, spray-painting his new art piece. Louis knocked loudly to get his attention. Zayn eyed him curiously. "I've got a date. Thanks for the surprised look. Yeah, so, don't worry about me tonight." Louis left before he could respond.

"Have fun! Wear protection!" Louis turned around and glared even though nobody would see him.

Louis sat down on his bed and pulled out his computer and quickly Googled "date ideas in new york tonight." He cringed a bit at himself, but he really did not plan this out at all. He scrolled past a few websites that didn't look promising before he came to one that looked like it would get the job done. A few of the options looked too cheesy, but he eventually found one that he hoped Harry would like.

The show started at eight, so if he got to Harry's place at seven, then that would leave enough time to get there and talk a bit before the show started. Doing the, oh so, hard calculations on the maps app on his phone, he figured he would leave at 6:45, which left him about half an hour to get ready. He noticed that when he opened his phone, he saw an Instagram notification that told him a user by the name of harrystyles, followed him. Louis smirked a bit and followed him back.

Now, it was time to figure out what to wear. Okay, so this was a friendship date. The dress code for a friendship date consists of what? Louis quickly scanned his closet and groaned. "Zayn!" he called, hoping for some much needed assistance. His roommate sauntered in. "What do I wear for a "friendship date"?" Louis said, using air quotes around the phrase.

Zayn copied Louis and scanned the closet. "Well, wear your black skinny jeans because they make your ass look great." He threw them at Louis who caught them. "Then, just wear a white t-shirt with your denim jacket." He threw the t-shirt, and this time, Louis had to bend and pick it up. "Your white vans, too." The genius walked out earning a statement of gratitude from Louis.

Lastly, he really needed to take a shower. Coffee does smell good, but only to a certain extent. No one would want to hang out with someone who reeked of the stuff. Therefore, Louis quickly hopped in the shower, quickly rinsed himself off with some green apple soap, quickly towelled off, and quickly did his hair so that it swooped across his forehead.

Once he finished, he ordered an Uber, so it would, hopefully, be there by the time Louis got downstairs.

^^^^^

Harry groaned as he was awoken by his phone ringing, telling him he received a text message.

Louis

On my way:)

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." Harry jumped out of bed and ran over to the shower, hoping to wake his mind and body up, which resulted in the fastest shower he had ever taken. Harry attempted to dry his hair as much as possible, but since it was so long, it was gonna take however long it wanted to take. Just when Harry was in the middle of putting on his black dress pants, his intercom went off, Louis' small voice coming from the speaker. Harry ran over to the door and let him in the building. Sprinting back to his bedroom, he quickly slid his belt between the loops and buckled it when he heard a knock on his door. Harry had no other choice but to answer it. He internally groaned at himself when he opened it. "Oops?" he said when the door fully opened.

"Hi." Louis glanced at Harry and became partially annoyed that he wasn't ready yet. That was until he noticed Harry was just in a pair of slacks that were sitting way to low on his hips to be fair. His torso was like a magnet for Louis' eyes, and he was sure Harry had caught him looking.

"Er, sorry. Here, come in. I'll be like a couple of seconds." Harry moved to the side to let Louis into the apartment. He shut the door and ran to his room, leaving Louis to stand awkwardly at the front door. He decided to stroll to the kitchen, glancing at the living room to his left.

"The jet lag still hitting you?" Louis called to Harry.

"Uh, yeah, still getting used to it, sorry," Harry replied, weakly.

"Took me a while, too. No worries." Louis wanted Harry to know that he didn't mind the situation, at all. Not when he got that eyeful earlier. He glanced around the apartment for a bit longer, noticing it was bigger than his and Zayn's. "Do you have a roommate?"

"Uh, no, just me." Louis definitely raised his eyebrows in surprise, wondering what Harry did for a living. Harry wandered back out. This time with a white button up shirt. He slid on some dress shoes, grabbed his wallet, phone, and keys, and met Louis near the door. "Sorry 'bout this. I was asleep when you texted."

Louis laughed at Harry on the inside. "It's fine. Although we may have to order another Uber, this one probably left."

"I got it then," Harry assured before Louis could even touch his phone. He was glad he set up an Uber account as soon as he got a bank account.

Louis observed Harry from the back as he followed him back down to the lobby, finally fully taking in what he was wearing. "Wow, I'm like way underdressed." He internally cursed Zayn. Okay, maybe it was his fault for taking the friendship date thing too seriously. "You look fantastic."

Harry was glad that Louis was behind him because he could feel a blush spreading across his cheeks. "Well, you do look great." Harry smiled as he held open the elevator door.

When the two were waiting outside for the new Uber, they were struck by a bit of awkward silence. "So," Louis coughed, "how do you like New York so far?"

Harry thought about his answer. "It's a dream to be here, but it's still really big."

Louis nodded in understanding. "Hard to feel like home?" Harry nodded. "Yeah, that's exactly how I felt. But, maybe seeing a play on Broadway would help?"

Harry looked confused for a moment before it finally hit what Louis meant, and his eyes widened. "Are you serious? I have to pay you back for that!"

Louis shook his head incessantly which caused him to receive a playful glare. "I got tickets for Waitress? It looked good, so I hope you'll enjoy it." Louis didn't know if it looked good. It was the only one playing tonight, and he had no idea what it was about. He completely went off a limb to hope that Harry liked musicals. Or would at least like to see one in New York at some point.

Harry smiled sincerely. "Well, thank you, Louis." They met eyes for a few moments before a car pulled up next to the curb. Harry glanced down at his phone to see if the car matched the one on the app.

After they found their seats, decently far away but still okay, there were still a few minutes until the show started.

"Harry, what made you come to New York?" Louis asked, curious to know the answer. The thing about New York was that everyone had a different story. There was an incredulous amount of backgrounds that lived in New York, but, often enough, the same thing brought them here. It was the City of Dreams, after all.

"Well, I've always wanted to be a writer, so I thought I would have a better chance to get published here." Harry shrugged, and Louis caught on to the fact that Harry was leaving something out; he wasn't sure what, but there was something. "What about you?"

Louis thought; it had been a while since he had told anybody the answer. "Um, initially I came here for college. I went to NYU." Harry raised his eyebrows, impressed. "Originally, I planned to go back home at some point, but then I realized how much I liked music. I wanted to be a singer, but then I realized I liked writing songs better. So that's what I do. Barista by day, and songwriter by night."

"Wow, that's impressive." Harry felt awe for the songwriter part. He was definitely impressed at the fact that Louis had the courage to go after what he wanted in life.

"I mean, it's nothing major. None of my songs are gonna win awards or anything." Louis shrugged.

"Hey, you never know." Before Louis got a chance to respond, the lights dimmed, and the orchestra below the stage began to play notes.

^^^^^

When the intermission started, Harry raised his arms above his head to stretch. Louis chuckled a bit. "I made reservations at a place that overlooks Times Square; you'll love it," Louis stated as if he knew everything about Harry.

Harry looked up at Louis, who had now stood up. "Let me pay for dinner, then, please."

Once again, Louis shook his head. Harry stood up with him. "If I wanted you to pay, then you would have chosen the restaurant. It's fine, I promise," Louis stated, finishing the small argument. "Do you wanna get some drinks?" Harry perked up and nodded quickly. On the way to the bar area, Louis quickly stopped walking causing Harry to (almost) run into him. "You are twenty-one, right?" Louis became very aware of the fact that this is why Harry called this a friendship date. They knew nothing about each other.

Harry nodded, causing Louis to feel relieved. "I'm twenty-two."

Louis smiled. "Twenty-four." Progress.

When they arrived at the bar, there was a crowd, so Louis locked curious eyes with Harry, as if to ask him what he wanted. "Chardonnay."

Louis squeezed through the crowd and told the bartender, "Chardonnay and champagne, please." The guy quickly handed him their drinks after pouring them.

Harry told Louis his thanks when he returned. As Harry went to take a sip, Louis exclaimed, "Wait! Don't drink!" Which may have put Harry into a bit of a panic. "Cheers to this date continuing to be wonderful." Bold choice of words. Louis clinked their glasses in the air to rid of any suspended tension in the air. Harry's cheeks were a bit crimson, so Louis supposed it worked. It was loud in the bar area, so they finished their drinks in silence before the bell rang to signal everyone to go back inside the theater.

^^^^^

"The restaurant's only a few blocks away, do you wanna just walk?" Louis asked Harry who nodded in response. Louis picked up on the fact that Harry had a thing for nodding. But maybe it was just a bit too crowded and a bit too like a Jackson Pollock painting.

They walked a few steps before Louis realized that it was a pain to keep turning his head to make sure Harry still followed right behind him. Louis considered it a bold move but decided to grab onto Harry's hand anyways the next time he turned around. To make sure he was safe, obviously. "I got you," Louis said behind his shoulder to Harry. If he wasn't being pulled along by Louis, Harry probably would have had to stop and take a breather. Being able to allow his mind to travel to what felt like a different dimension took the energy out of him. Trusting someone else was something he didn't have experience with. Hell, the only person he ever came close to trusting was his English professor. Even then, that was a stretch. Harry felt like he even trusted Niall more by default than anything. At that moment, he forced himself to let his mind go, and, at least, partially, let himself enjoy this moment for what the moment will be like, not what it will bring him in the future.

"This is it," Louis spoke after walking a few blocks. The walk was too noisy and too crowded for speaking. It counted just as much to have their hands intertwined.

They didn't have to wait for seating. Granted, it was a Wednesday night, but still, this place looked fancy enough that it would always be crowded.

The hostess handed each of them menus as they sat down at their table (next to the window). Harry kept glancing over, in awe of the view. He was trying to pay more attention to Louis, but this was the place that Harry always desired to be. "I must be Anna Kingsford because I feel like once lived here in a past life."

Louis looked up at his date; he was reading the menu, but his ears got a little sidetracked. "What?" Maybe that was a little dumbstruck of him to say, but, oh well. Louis' mind finally caught up. Harry was a writer, and this was some type of allusion. Maybe he was a little in over his head.

Harry even looked a little surprised at himself. "Sorry, that just slipped out." Louis continued to look at him, curiously wanting to know what it meant. "Anna Kingsford thought that she was the reincarnated version of the Virgin Mary... I'm not saying that I think I am; I was just alluding to more the idea of reincarnation."

Harry rambled a bit, and Louis chuckled to himself. It was cute. "I didn't think you were, love."

Louis was going to press further, but the waitress appeared asking them what they wanted to drink. He asked for a bottle of red wine, which Harry complied with.

"Why the reference to reincarnation, though?" Louis asked when she left, and Harry groaned a bit, hoping to have just forgotten about his slip up.

Harry thought for a moment about his answer. Thoroughly not wanting to encourage another slip of the tongue. "It's just that whenever I see New York for New York, all the lights, the people, just everything it has to offer, I always think that this is the place that I belong. I guess, almost like my soul has a connection to this place. That my soul has a reason to be here."

Wow was the only word coming to Louis head, but he was determined, nonetheless. "Isn't that a bit why we're all here. We all believe that New York was the place for us...that we wouldn't be able to live with ourselves if we didn't come here and try to live out whatever feasible dreams we hold." Louis was pulling everyone's legs to even have a chance at trying to keep up with Harry's mind. It was interesting, and Louis wondered how it came to be. Maybe Harry thought Louis was arguing with him, but that wasn't the case. "Where'd you go to school, Harry?"

"University of London," Harry replied instantly like he was curious to know why the question was being asked.

Louis nodded his head. "That explains your mind, a bit more." That was definitely a stupid sentence, and it definitely sounded like an insult. He was very eager to change the subject now. "When you came into the coffee shop that first time, I thought you were a model. Writer didn't even cross my mind." Now they had moved into more of Louis' safe zone, where he was sweating. Flirting. Harry rolled his eyes, clearly amused. "I'm serious, your long, curly hair is luscious." Had he already had too much wine? "You have intense green eyes. And your body lies somewhere between perfect and perfect." He had to stop himself at one point. "Am I being too honest?" He took another sip of his wine, watching Harry as he did the same.

Harry looked more entertained than anything. Cocky, huh. "You did go to NYU; I expected a bit of some flair for the dramatic." He smiled.

Louis had to laugh at that. "Cheeky, Harold. Already playing to stereotypes, I see." Louis leaned across the table and lowered his voice; Harry did say he had a flair for the dramatic, which was definitely true. "Two can play at that one."

^^^^^

They were in the elevator up to Harry's apartment when it was the cheeky one that grabbed the dramatist's hand. It was comfortable, like their souls had done this a million times. Maybe Louis now had a thing for Anna Kingsford. At least, he'll never forget that name.

When they arrived at Harry's door, he turned and asked, "Would you want to come inside?"

It was clear that Harry was not alluding to sex. Not once was there any sexual tension on this date. It was a first for Louis, and he was sure it was a first for Harry. Louis didn't mind though; it only intrigued him further. Harry asked Louis to come inside his home. Let him inside his mind more. Maybe this opportunity would allow Louis to understand Harry's brain more, but, at the same time, wasn't there a little fun in a mystery and a quest?

"It's tempting, but maybe next time," Louis assured. He turned to walk down the hallway and to the elevator.

Harry's voice temporarily stopped him. "Which is?" Cheeky, once again.

Louis turned around to face Harry, a few feet from him. "Oh, Harold, wouldn't you like to know." Louis smiled and nodded his head at Harry (one of those southern gentlemen nods) before disappearing around the corner.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> harry and louis hang out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's the new chapter! thanks so much for reading, and i hope you enjoy. as always, kudos, comments, and constructive criticism are welcome. all the love, cassidy.

Harry woke up in that stage where there were no memories bouncing around in his brain. Nothing existed as his mind slowly came back to consciousness.

But then it did.

Everything from last night rushed back into his brain.

He didn't know how to feel about it. There were parts that stood out to him...like when Louis took his hand. Harry had never allowed himself to make friends with the required headspace in order to trust another person.

Louis' mind was so incredibly interesting. The way he just flirted with words that bounced off of Harry's own just absolutely intrigued him. Harry wanted only more. He remembered the way Louis had left, leaving when they would see each other again, a mystery. One could say that Harry was in the beginning stages of becoming an English opium-eater, and Louis was his drug.

His phone ringing strayed him from his thoughts. Niall screamed something unintelligible into the speaker causing Harry to pull the phone from his ear.

"It's too early for this, Niall. What'd you even say?" Harry complained and rubbed his eye.

"I'm coming to America!" Niall exclaimed. "I'll see you in a couple of weeks!"

"Are you serious?" The news definitely did the honors of waking him up. "I can't wait to see you!" The excitement of Niall visiting him may have knocked the thoughts of Louis out of his mind. Almost.

"So you better know all the best bars or I will be ditching," Niall joked in a somewhat serious manner. "Anyway," Niall started after a few moments, "how's life going?"

Harry thought for a moment about revealing how his night went, but then again he was Harry and honesty was never really his thing. "It's been good. Not much has happened; still getting settled. You?" Harry yawned and stretched, standing up from the bed when his stomach started growling.

He strolled over to the kitchen, listening as Niall rambled on about his life. Opening the cabinets, revealed nothing because he still hadn't gone grocery shopping.

He waited a bit until Niall stopped talking. Chatty this morning. "Hey, sorry, but I gotta go. I'll talk to you soon." He was short, but Niall was used to this.

Groceries. He searched on his phone for any stores nearby and seemed to find a mom and pop type shop. It would have to do for now.

At the market itself (he had walked because why not), Harry only picked up the bare necessities like cereal and a few frozen meals. It was better than what he was used to in Uni. Mac 'n' Cheese and Ramen, galore. He had more important things to worry about over cooking, anyways.

On his walk back (with the bags in hand, and, yes, he was slightly regretting the walk), Harry felt his phone buzz. His heart may or may not have leaped, hoping to hear from a certain someone. Juggling his bags in one hand, he pulled out his phone and was, sadly, met with a text from his mother. Harry knew that they had only been on one date (yes, he knew before he was hesitant to call it that, but he's learned now). He thought it had gone really well. Harry just hoped that Louis thought the same. He could just as easily text Louis, but there was something about the way he left last night that told Harry that he'd be the one to make contact first.

"Hi, mum," Harry said into the phone as soon as he heard her pick up the phone. "How is everyone?" he asked as he poured some cereal into a bowl.

"Everyone's doing good. We all miss you so much, Harry. Tell me everything."

Harry had to chuckle a bit. His mom was so endearing, and his heart kind of ached at the thought of being without her for so long. He kept on having to tell himself that this was the right decision and that being here will be an amazing experience.

"Not much has happened, really," he chuckled, repeating what he told Niall. "One of the publishing companies here decided to work with me to edit my book." This was a safer subject.

"Oh, that's wonderful news, Harry. I'm so proud of you! I'll let everyone know." Well, that's one way of doing that, not exactly what he planned.

His mum managed to carry on the conversation for almost ten more minutes. To say he was growing a bit impatient would be a mild understatement.

^^^^^

Louis strolled into work the next day with a slight headache and with a slight distaste for everything in the world. Liam stood behind the counter, observing Louis as he walked in. "How'd the date go? I see you're not limping."

"Haha very funny," Louis responded before giving Liam a glare. He threw his bag under the counter, not bothering to go back to his locker. "But if you must know, it was fine." Louis definitely wanted to talk about how it went.

"Only fine? You were freaking out yesterday about it, and it was just fine," Liam stated as if he was missing something.

"For one, I was not freaking out." Liam gave him a look. "And two, I don't know, Liam. The date was amazing, and he's amazing, but there's something nagging at the back of my head. Something that's telling me that I shouldn't date him."

Liam gave him a very pointed look. Louis rolled his eyes, something was coming. "Oh, my young, sweet, kind, naive, Louis." Yup, there it was. "You guys just met each other. What did you expect, fireworks? This isn't a Disney movie. You can't just hand your love over to someone you barely know. Your heart wants to protect the love you are saving for that special person; they have to prove that they deserve to take that love you hold in your heart and call it theirs. Give him a chance. It's not all gonna fall into place in one date."

Louis huffed. "You could have just told me that I have commitment issues." He was only slightly annoyed.

"Yeah, but you already knew that." Once again, he was right. Louis refused to admit that, though. Customers started coming in, halting their conversation.

When the line disappeared, Louis continued it. "The thing is, Liam, that there were fireworks. He was really amazing, and I think I'm starting to really like him. But it's that nagging feeling I can't shake." Maybe Liam was right, and it was just the fact that this was new that gave him an uneasy feeling. Maybe he was just making it up. There was definitely something about Harry that made him think. He just acted so much different than anyone he'd ever met.

"If he's as perfect as you think he is, what could go wrong? If you're that concerned, why don't you just spend more time with him. Hell, text him right now. See if the feeling goes away."

Louis groaned because he definitely knew Liam was right this time. Although a small part of him was acting like Hamlet. (That was the one allusion he did understand, and Anna Kingsford, thanks to Harry. He should probably brush up on them if he wanted to date Harry). He asked himself, to text or not to text? Except that this was definitely not a life or death situation. Or maybe it was.

^^^^^

Louis

I would miss not seeing you at the coffee shop today :)

That's all it took for Harry to jump out of his thinking stupor, get properly dressed, and head to the coffee shop. Maybe it was a little clingy, but he's been waiting for this since he woke up. All caring disappeared.

He may have fast walked to the coffee shop in order to get there as soon as possible.

When Harry made it to the shop, he walked in and smiled and waved to Louis who signaled that he'd be ready in a moment.

"Hey," Louis smiled to him, "you look really cute in a beanie." Louis heard Liam make a weird sound from a few feet away. Harry's face told him that he also heard the noise.

Liam decided to say something, though. "You guys go; I'll finish cleaning up. I don't think any more customers will come in till the dinner shift." At least it wasn't embarrassing.

Louis took off his apron and grabbed his bag after placing the apron in it and walking around the counter. Like a gentleman, Harry held out his hand and said, "Let me." He grabbed the bag from Louis and placed it on his shoulder.

"Well, thank you," Louis said with a slight blush. When they had gotten outside the shop, Louis got stuck. "You know, Harry. I didn't think you would come, so I didn't have any plans."

Harry thought for a moment, mostly trying to ignore the fact that Louis didn't think he would come, but then he remembered something. "You did say that you were a songwriter by night."

Louis smiled. "Come along, then." After a few minutes of Harry blindly following Louis, he finally decided to clarify. "I have a mini studio in my apartment; I think you would love to see it."

"I would love to see it." Harry lightly bumped his shoulder against Louis'. Flirty. If Harry wanted to play that game, Louis would take it a step further, so he just subtly lightly took Harry's hand in his own. The intent clearer than last night. "So you sing your songs, too?" Louis wasn't looking at him, but he could definitely hear the smile in his voice.

Louis moved his free hand while talking. "Well, I sing them for the demo and then I send them to artists or studios, and they decide if they want to buy them. It's really steady."

Harry had to laugh at that. He knew exactly what Louis meant. "Have I ever heard any of your songs, unknowingly?" He decided to press the question.

"Have I ever read any books from you, unknowingly."

That was fair enough.

And it definitely shut Harry's questions up.

Louis felt the awkwardness in the air. He caused it. "What kind of music do you like, Harry?" He thought he would never get over the way his name rolled off of Louis' tongue.

"Well, it usually depends, but I think the one that stays the most consistent would be classic rock." And yeah, Louis could have guessed that. "What about you?" This was an easy conversation; Harry could do this one.

"Something along the line of electronic, pop, dance music. I usually write songs that are more acoustic type, though."

This was nice.

^^^^^

When the elevator dinged and opened, Louis stepped out first in order to lead them in the right direction. Louis had let go of Harry's hand in the elevator, and it was a bit to Harry's disappointment.

"This is what I call home," Louis exclaimed when he opened the door.

Harry took a quick glance around. He liked the simplicity of the quaintness of it. It almost reminded him of what a Brooklyn apartment stereotypically looked like (pretty much the only requirement for that was brick walls, which it had). There was a slight mess but that only added to the comfortable feeling. "It's nice, very homey," Harry complimented with a small voice. This was what he was supposed to do in this type of situation, right?

"Not much compared to yours," Louis pointed out which earned him a small, playful glare. He took the bag from Harry's shoulder and placed it near the door. "I have a roommate, too; his name is Zayn. He might come by later, I have no clue where he is." Louis had to chuckle a bit. "Follow me, I'll show you where the magic happens."

Harry had to laugh...Louis hadn't meant to put it like that, but Harry still knew what he really meant.

"Where the music magic happens. Get your head out of the gutter." Louis laughed, too. Though, Louis did lead them into his bedroom, then to the bathroom. Harry was a bit confused. "Zayn has the office space for his art studio, so I got the extra bathroom to use. It works pretty well, actually."

Harry tried to think of something somewhat intelligent to say but nothing came. "Well, at least if you're working and need to use the loo, you don't have to go far." Harry had to laugh. It was a good one.

"Never heard that one before," Louis said, his voice full of sass. "Wanna try it out?"

Harry smiled. "Yeah, I'd love to hear you sing."

Louis chuckled a bit. "No, I meant, do you wanna try it? I seemingly remember somewhere in between the bread and the tuna that you sing," Louis said, referencing some of their conversation from the night before.

Harry had to glare. Why did he admit that? "Fine," he agreed. To get to the microphone all he had to do was climb over the tub and into the shower space. "What do you want me to sing?"

"Anything you want," Louis said, fimbling with some buttons on a small keypad he had. "Wanna beer?" he asked when it looked like he was done setting everything up.

"Please." Louis smiled because this boy was really sweet. He returned and, of course, Harry gave his thanks. "I feel like I've been drinking more since I got to America," he laughed.

"I was the opposite. I went through what felt like the longest drought from being able to drink at home and then not being able to drink here. That was rough." Louis truly sounded distressed from those dark days. Harry chuckled. "Got anything yet?" Harry shook his head, slightly in defeat. Louis shuffled through some songs he had written that were still a work in progress. "Here." Louis handed him a sheet of paper with some lyrics and rhythms on it. "I've been having some trouble with this one. I'll play you what I have so far, and you can sing it back and change it up or whatever." Harry covered his ears, signaling to Louis that he understood and gave him a thumbs up. Louis was putting a lot of faith into Harry's ability. He was amaetur, at best.

He listened as the music started, some guitar and piano beginning straight away. After a few bars, the melodic sound waves of Louis' voice made contact with Harry's ear. After a couple minutes, Louis stopped the music. Harry may or may not have been sweating at this point, Louis was really good. And the song was really good, too. The lyrics alluded to not knowing how to get a past love back and deeply regretting the fact that it was past and not present. Once again, Louis started the music, and Harry took a deep breath, preparing him for what was about to come.

Maybe he was being a bit dramatic with his nerves, since Louis was applauding when Harry took the headphones off. "Damn that was really good, Harry. I might just have to get you to sing the rest of my songs; I actually think I was missing some lower notes in there...with a bit of raspiness," Louis trailed off as he took some notes down. "Thanks, babe."

Harry blushed. It was totally, definitely from the compliment, not the pet name. "Your turn?" he asked, handing the headphones to Louis.

He took them but placed them back on the counter. "Maybe next time."

Harry smirked a bit and walked closer to Louis. "So, when is next time?" he asked, hoping to get an answer this time as opposed to last night.

"I bet you would really like to know." Louis usually wasn't intimidated by people he found attractive. But as he inched closer to Harry, it was almost as if he felt himself getting smaller. Unlike last night, sexual tension definitely existed at that moment. It could definitely be cut with a knife, a dull one at that, too. Too soon (for Harry's secret wanting), Louis stopped his movements, almost daring Harry to make a move. But Louis should really learn soon, Harry was never going to do that.

Louis backed away quickly. Harry released a breath he didn't know he was holding on to. "I'll order us some pizza," Louis said and walked away, leaving Harry still a bit stunned. Usually, Harry's hookups consisted of some smash and dash; there was never any type of tension built up to finally be released. Harry had never experienced this before, and he was really enjoying it. He took another breath and followed Louis where he found him in the kitchen. Even from the living room, Harry could see Louis' smirk. "What? Frustrated that you were too scared to make a move?"

Harry quickly jumped to the conclusion. This was Louis' safe zone. Flirting was where Louis felt comfortable.

Harry was the opposite. His safe zone was getting to know someone in a platonic way. Okay, maybe that's why he's never been in a relationship. That thought stung, along with the bit of uneasiness he felt. Instead of answering, Harry sat down on the couch. That was definitely the worst decision he could have made because the tension came back.

Louis glanced over a Harry, confused. He grabbed his phone anyways and ordered some pizza for the two to share. "It'll be here in about twenty minutes," Louis announced when he sat down somewhat near Harry on the couch. He really didn't know what to do, so he grabbed the remote and played some random Netflix movie that had made its home in Louis' list. Louis frustration and confusion grew as Harry's awkwardness grew over the next few minutes.

So, he did the only thing he could think of.

Straddling Harry.

"Are you okay with this, Harry?" Maybe he should have asked that before he found himself in this predicament. Harry nodded, and Louis wrapped his arms around Harry's neck. "This?" Harry nodded again, who was also just awkwardly sitting there with his arms at his side. Maybe Harry was going to need a bit of a push. Louis softly took Harry's hands in his own and placed them on his own hips. "Good?" Harry nodded. Okay, Louis concluded that Harry definitely had a thing for nodding. "Can I kiss you?" Louis asked, looking back and forth between Harry's eyes and (very plump and pink) lips.

"Yes." There was the answer Louis looked for.

So, he very gently collided their lips. Louis immediately wrapped his arms around Harry's neck again. Straightaway, Louis took control of their kiss, guiding which direction it would go. It was slow, the pace of a stereotypical first kiss between a couple. Harry felt a bit braver and allowed his hands to travel up Louis' back to tangle themselves in his feathery hair. Louis loved the way that Harry's larger lips made up for the size of his own. The boy beneath him was still a bit hesitant, only following Louis, not trying to take any control. Louis took Harry's bottom lip between his own and started very lightly nibbling. A small noise was emitted from Harry. Louis was about to take it further when there was a knock at the door. He figured the pizza guy tag tailed into the building, so he grabbed his wallet from the table before opening the door.

"Sorry I left my keys this morning." Harry heard as soon as Louis opened the door which caused him to glance back at the source of the sound. "Oh, did I interrupt something? You must be Harry; I'm Zayn."

It clicked in Harry's mind that this was the roommate Louis mentioned. Zayn held out his hand for Harry to shake, so he stood up and complied. "Nice to meet you," Harry said.

There was a smirk on Zayn's lips, and Harry chose to ignore it. "Well, I'll leave you two to get back to whatever..." he trailed off as he disappeared down the hallway.

"I got pizza for dinner!" Louis shouted which didn't earn him a response back, but he didn't seem bothered by the lack of communication. He sat back down on the couch, this time closer to Harry. "We could go to‒" Louis groaned as the intercom went off. "This better be the pizza guy." Harry had to smile with a similar opinion, but maybe for a different reason. This was only a first kiss, and he was scared of what type of intimacy it would bring in the future. A few more minutes went by before Louis opened the door again but, this time, closed it with a couple pizzas in hand.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> museum date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, here's the new chapter! i hope you enjoy this one, i know that this one was one of my favorites to write! thank you so much! as always, kudos, comments, and constructive criticism are highly welcome. all the love, cassidy.

Waking up to feet right beside your head is always an interesting occurrence.

Harry's mind came back to life when he realized he accidentally fell asleep on Louis' couch, and that Louis' feet were right beside his face. At least Louis seemed to be in a similar predicament.

It was Friday. Harry had a meeting.

A little bit reluctantly, he grabbed his phone off the coffee table, a bit hesitant to find out what time it was. Squinting, he looked, and he was fine on time. Although, he probably needed to leave right at that time.

He hopped off of the couch to gently shake Louis awake. When Harry saw that he was stirring, he said, "Hey, I have to go to a meeting right now." He hoped that Louis would get the messages he was trying to send.

"Oh, okay." Louis rubbed his eye. "Um, extra toothbrushes are in the first drawer, and I can drive you in Zayn's car, so you're not late?"

"Thank you. That sounds great," Harry said before rushing over to the bathroom where he brushed his teeth and put his hair up into a bun because day-after beanie hair was not a good look.

"I made you coffee," Louis announced when Harry returned. It was even placed in a paper to-go cup. Louis properly looked at Harry. "You look really hot." Louis definitely digged the man bun.

Harry blushed at the compliment. "Thank you," Harry said as he took the coffee from Louis who wasn't sure which the thanks was directed towards.

When they arrived at the publishing building, Louis pulled over to the curb, so he wouldn't block traffic while dropping Harry off. "Are you in the process of getting a book published?" Louis asked as he looked at the sign on the top of the building.

"Something like that, yeah," Harry answered. It was vague, and they both knew that. In order to avoid any more questions, Harry quickly leaned over the center console and pecked Louis' lips, effectively halting any more words. "Thanks for driving." Louis nodded, a little bit stunned at Harry's boldness. So far, it had seemed that the boldness came from the other party. Louis didn't realize it was just a move to avoid the honesty that would have had to come from the answer to that question.

Harry said his thanks and quickly climbed out of the car. Did he even think it was possible for him to be that vulnerable around Louis? Was he really going to let Louis in on the deepest parts of his thoughts? Even thinking about that level of vulnerability terrified Harry.

"Harry, right on time!" Casandra exclaimed, knocking Harry from his thoughts. "Go ahead and make your way to his office."

Harry made his way down the hallway to the room he only knows as intimidating. This time he knocked before entering. "Mr. Styles, good to see you again." Harry gave his response, in agreeance before he began speaking again. "As I'm looking through your document," he started, facing the computer, "I'm seeing that you haven't written anything new. From now on, I would like at least a page written once a day. Does that work for you?"

Harry nodded, seeming like he was caught red-handed. "Yeah, sorry. I've been a bit busy with trying to settle here." More like he was busy with Louis. Maybe that was the answer he'd been needing.

"That's alright. Perfectly understandable. Just from now on. Now, your story, in general, sounds wonderful. There is a clear conflict for the main character. And I like that it's an internal conflict; you don't see that as often in books nowadays," he added. "I know that the story is about love driving this girl crazy. I know that she's so obsessed with her lover and the love that they produce with their relationship. I know that, more assuming," he laughed a bit, "that she will kill her lover in the end. Correct?" Harry nodded.

That's why he was so afraid of Louis finding out more details about the book. He was terrified of it. There was something so terrifying about this book. About the character's love turning into obsession and murder. He couldn't imagine him telling Louis that his book was about killing people. That just wouldn't look right. In the end, it would probably just end up scaring Louis off.

His thoughts were interrupted as Irving cleared his throat before continuing. "I just have a problem with it. There doesn't seem to be a clear plot. The story, so far, consists of a lot of thoughts before leading up to the assumed murder scene. Now, that does work for a story, but those types of stories have such limited audiences that I wouldn't risk publishing it."

Harry understood it was his turn now. "What could I, erm, do to make it better?" Harry looked to Irving as if he had all the answers to life.

"One of the things I could think of is to create a reason why she all of a sudden gets to the point where she had to freeze that love in time. Make him cheat on her. Make her have cancer. She could go into the doctor, find out she has cancer which causes her to have a mental break. Those are the types of things that would create a clear story line. Do you have any other types of ideas, Harry?" Irving pulled out a piece of paper and a pen. "Let's brainstorm."

Harry thought for a moment, trying to make his thoughts start to flow again. He needed a muse. "What if he had to move away? To another country?"

Irving leaned back in his chair, clearly in thought. "I do like that. I think it would be quite easy for you to write since you would relate to that in some type of way." That was the last thing he wanted to hear, that he related to a story about murder. "Yes, edit that into the story, please." He wrote a few notes on the piece of paper. 

 

 

Harry collapsed onto his bed as soon as he got home. It was only 11am, but he felt like it was much later due to everything that had happened in the day. His primary concern should have been his book, but it was definitely Louis. He felt way too scared to get any closer to Louis. Never before has he let someone into his soul so intimately, and he really didn't plan for Louis to be the first. He did like him a lot, but intimacy scared him, and he didn't know what kind of emotional intimacy he was ready for.

He pulled out his phone from his pocket to see he received a text from Louis about an hour earlier.

Louis

Hope you have a good meeting!

Harry decided that it would be the best option to at least acknowledge the fact that Louis texted him even though his entire being was screaming at him, telling him to no longer get closer.

Harry

Thanks:) it went really well

Harry could only hope for no more questions about a book.

He got a text after a few moments. Sooner than expected. He actually received two.

Louis

Good to hear

Hey, I'm not busy tonight, if you wanna hang out?

Harry sighed. He really didn't know what to do.

Harry

I would love to but I have to get some work done sorry:(

Maybe that frowny face made him look like he was actually looking forward to seeing Louis.

Louis

Oh okay

Fuck, Harry felt bad. He felt bad even if he truly did have to get some work done.

Harry

What about tomorrow?

Louis

Lucky I don't work on weekends

It's a date;)

Harry didn't like the winky face.

Harry

I'll pick you up at noon?

Louis

Sounds perfect

So it was settled then. A few moments later Louis set his address just in case Harry didn't remember how to get there.

He was going on yet another date. His heart was overly excited. His brain was not. 

 

 

The next morning, Harry woke up feeling refreshed, something he hadn't felt since being in New York. Maybe he was somewhat getting used to the small life he had laid out for himself so far. Or maybe it was just the fact that he slept in later than normal.

He grabbed some clothes that were still packed away in his suitcase. (Yes, that was still on his bucket list. To be honest, his whole apartment looked a little like Bedlam). Hopping in the shower, he grimaced a bit at the scalding hot water, but decided to hop in anyways. He quickly shampooed his hair with a lavender scent and washed his body with a vanilla scent.

After towelling himself dry, he got dressed in some black skinny jeans and a black button up shirt with a bunch of pink feathers on it. He still had a bit of time, so he got a bowl of cereal and ate that while he waited for the time to pass. 

When he was done, he had about a half an hour to get to Louis' apartment, so he texted him to ask if he wanted any coffee. Or tea, in Louis' case since he wanted one in the flavor of Yorkshire. He was definitely British at heart. He slipped on some brown beat up boots and left for the adventure ahead. 

 

 

Upon arriving at Louis' apartment, the nerves suddenly hit him. He was more scared of the surprising things that the day might bring. Some of the surprise questions that might pop up were probably the things that terrified him the most. Questions that he couldn't answer unless he was being honest.

Harry hit the call button on the side of the door, and Louis said that he would be down in a minute. True to his word, Louis appeared from the door a few moments later. He wore a white shirt with loose blue jeans with a brown bomber jacket. Harry appreciated the pop of color that the turquoise shoes gave.

"Well, I see we will be perpetually stuck in a time when you are better dressed than I am," Louis pouted slightly as he checked Harry out but gave a smile. Harry really didn't know what to say or do, so he just stuck the tea out for Louis to take. "Thanks." There was that smile again.

"Erm, I think you look great." Words finally came out of Harry's mouth. Louis smiled more to himself since Harry seemed to be perplexed with his shoes. Louis wondered what happened to the guy that he had gotten to know over their first date.

"So, where're we going?" Louis asked to aid the awkward silence that was developing.

The question seemed to snap Harry back from his thoughts. Louis wondered what they were. "Right, well, I thought we could go to a museum, but I don't know if you like them. So we could also do something else, if you want."

Louis interrupted his rambling. "A museum sounds great, Harry. Which one?" he asked, letting his sweet voice take control (making him slightly feel like some sort of Casanova. He may or may not have researched some allusions last night in case they came up once again).

Harry finally looked at Louis' face. "I was thinking the Metropolitan Museum of Art?" Louis chuckled a bit as all the words came out of Harry.

"The Met? Yeah, sounds perfect. We'll both enjoy it," Louis reassured him. "I'm guessing we'll take the subway?" They were still awkwardly standing there in front of Louis' apartment.

"Shit, I didn't even think of how we're getting there. I don't even know how to get there." There he went again with looking at his feet.

Louis put his free hand on Harry's upper arm and bent down a bit to get Harry to look at him. It worked even if he did feel a bit silly. "Babe, you're fine. I know how to get there, no biggie." Louis smiled, this time causing Harry to smile back. "It's like a two minute walk to the station, c'mon," Louis said, and Harry followed.

The two didn't speak a word on the walk to the station. There seemed to be some sort of cloud that overcame them, causing them to be unable to speak the words to each other. Like some sort of magical pixie dust that was sent out by Captain Hook rather than Tinker Bell.

While they were waiting for the next train, though, Louis got too curious. "Why are you all tense today?" As soon as it came out of his mouth, he knew it sounded rude. He internally cursed himself.

Luckily, Harry didn't seem to take it to heart. He acted almost like he expected the question. "Oh, too much coffee, I guess." Harry shrugged and laughed awkwardly, holding out the coffee cup for proof. Louis could see through that. There was definitely a reason that Harry was tensed up, and that reason definitely did not include coffee.

When the train arrived, they both took seats next to each other because it was oddly not crowded. Harry seemed to mirror Louis' movements, as if he was still trying to figure out how to fit into New York. Louis didn't really blame him; there was a type of culture here that was nothing like anything else in the world.

For the entire first train ride (they had to transfer to a second train), they sat in complete silence. Louis was not used to this type of silence on a date. Especially since this was the third time they've hung out. He was the type of person that was mildly uncomfortable by silence. He liked Harry a lot, though. Sometimes Louis wondered if it was really that he liked Harry or that he was really just massively intrigued by the way his mind worked. It seemed to keep him on edge; Louis might just wait forever to get a chance to pick at it.

When they got to the next train, Louis decided to try for a conversation. "So, Harry, why the Met?" Okay, this was definitely starting to feel like a bad Tinder date.

Harry furrowed his eyebrows together before answering. "I love art, and I've always wanted to go. And I thought I would enjoy going with you and vice versa," Harry said, almost mumbling the last sentence, but Louis heard.

Okay, Louis could deal with that. They were making progress. It registered in Louis' mind that Harry told him that he enjoyed spending time together. That was most certainly progress. Louis thought it would be best not to acknowledge that. "Who's your favorite artist?" That was a safer topic.

Harry looked lost in thought for a moment, and Louis enjoyed observing the way he could tell how hard Harry was truly thinking. Like he actually cared about the words coming out of his mouth. "Honestly, I have so many. Like, Monet, Degas, Van Gogh, even though I don't like him as a person, and O'Keefe. They all had such an impact on art and, in my opinion, really revolutionized how we view art as a society," Harry rambled again. Louis, at this point, was just glad to get him talking again. Louis made a note to talk to Harry about more intellectual topics rather than just trivial things.

But, Louis did have his share to say. "One-hundred percent Salvador Dalí, for me. "The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad,"" Louis said, assuming Harry would understand the quote.

Harry simply rolled his eyes though. "Except that he was mad. "I don't do drugs. I am drugs." Definitely mad," Harry retorted.

Louis was having a bit of fun with this. "Don't you have to be a little mad to be an artist?" Louis questioned. It was more of a rhetorical question than anything.

Harry turned pink though; Louis could tell something was spinning in his brain, and he wanted to know what it was, but something told him that he probably wouldn't get that pleasure. "I don't think so."

Louis narrowed his eye and turned in the seat, so his leg was almost resting on Harry's, but his upper body was facing him. "Because all your favorites were totally sane. Look at Van Gogh, he literally chopped his ear off."

"Ear lobe." Harry held up a finger in defense.

"That makes it so much better. Monet tried to kill himself."

"That doesn't make him crazy," Harry rebutted.

"Not the point." Louis could tell Harry was about to interrupt him, but he continued speaking. "O'Keefe was overly sexual."

"That's opinion based. Still doesn't make her crazy." Harry had also turned in his seat to face Louis.

"Fine. But Degas was a misogynist."

"I agree, but that still doesn't make him crazy as a person."

It was Louis' turn to argue. "He literally said, "I have perhaps too often considered woman as an animal."" Louis raised his eyebrows, trying to see if Harry could argue that one.

"Fair enough." Louis smiled in victory. "You know your art history."

Harry seemed impressed. Maybe, after all, Louis' mind was able to counter Harry's. "The only consequence of taking multiple art history classes in college."

"The only?" Louis smiled again; he needed more brain power to do that again.

"No, not the only," Louis whispered. The two of them seemed to have inched closer, and it was just now that Louis noticed it. Louis' face still held onto that smile, and Harry noticed that Louis was no longer looking into his eyes, but they definitely made his lips as their focus. Harry felt uncomfortable with the idea of kissing on a subway. (Not that he would have made the first move anyways, even if they were anywhere else). To avoid his obvious predicament, he lightly placed his hand on the curve of Louis' knee, massaging his hand a couple of times. Louis' eyes had now made their home on Harry's hand. "You know, Harry, I really enjoy your company, too." That was all it took for Harry to squeeze once more before letting go completely.

During their heated argument, time seemed to fly by as they had already arrived at their stop. Harry followed Louis up the stairs and onto the street where Harry couldn't help but stop and stare for a quick second. Louis admired Harry's childlike enthusiasm before grabbing his arm and playfully pulling him along. "Such a tourist, Harry."

Louis let go of Harry's arm when they had moved out of the way of the crowds. "Like you were any different when you got here," Harry said very pointedly.

"Actually, yes, I was too busy with school to be a tourist." Harry rolled his eyes.

When the building came into view, Louis turned just to make sure he had the ability to watch Harry's face light up with excitement. Louis' stomach churned at how adorable Harry was at times. Harry straight up gaped at the magnificent building in front of him. Louis just about came undone at the knees. The museum absolutely stood out against everything that was on the street. Its beautiful architecture that appeared to have stood the test of time seemed to sparkle in the sunlight. Harry's face seemed to have turned off, but his body movements made up for it. The boyish smile was no longer present, but his pace quickened ever so quickly.

Harry started walking to the ticket line when Louis thought to bring up an important idea. "If you have your New York ID already, we can get in free with a donation?"

"Oh, I haven't gotten one yet. That's fine though; I'll get us both tickets." Louis may have been a bit frustrated at the idea of spending money when it wasn't entirely necessary, but he understood it, nonetheless. "It's almost incredulous that you can see all this historic art for free." 

"Oh, believe me, Harold, you make up for it in taxes." Louis really wasn't joking, but it got Harry to flash a smile, so, in the end, it didn't really matter. When they were at the front of the line, Harry handed the ticket lady the correct amount of money. Once again, Louis became impressed with Harry; American money took him ages to understand. The worker handed them their tickets before they were free to go (after throwing away their drinks).

Before they could continue their journey, Harry had to be the most adorable person Louis' ever met as he decided that he wanted pictures. Harry practically ordered Louis to stand in front of the marvelous statue at the entrance. "Lemme take a picture, please!" Harry almost whined when Louis refused. God, this boy was going to be the death of Louis. "Please?" he asked in a different tone of voice that hit Louis in a different place than the adorableness did. The older boy couldn't say no at this point, so he stood in front and smiled with his ticket raised in his hand. Louis felt like a massive tourist, but it was worth it for Harry's smile. "Can you take one of me now?" Harry asked when he rushed over to Louis. The way Harry's mood shifted so quickly intrigued Louis more as he grabbed the phone from his hand. (He should have taken the picture with his phone, so he could have saved his as his lockscreen for the rest of eternity). Harry raced to the spot that Louis once stood and flashed a more marvelous pose than Louis could ever muster. "One more. Selfie." Louis was about to protest before Harry smiled again. This made him so unbelievably excited, and Louis figured that he would do just about anything to keep this going.

"Where to first?" Louis asked when Harry had returned from looking at the pictures now stored on his phone. Harry looked a bit lost with the question, though. "I'll lead the way." He led them to the Impressionism area, remembering that Harry mentioned artists in this movement.

They quietly observed paintings neither of them had seen before, but when they got to the Monet corner, Harry got all excited again, and Louis died again. "Look, Louis, it's Water Lilies." Louis questioned how a grown man could be this adorable. He started naming off the paintings that he could see from his stagnant spot; Louis became overwhelmed. Harry really wanted to get up close to Water Lilies, but there was a large crowd hovered around it, but he seemed satisfied with seeing it from a few feet away. Yes, Louis loved the art, as well, but, at this point, he was just there for Harry. Seeing his eyes light up made everything worth it. He couldn't help but hold the cheesy idea in his head that Harry was more beautiful than any work of art in here.

Louis noticed they got a bit jostled into the middle of the crowd, so he lightly rested his hand on Harry's waist. For protection, of course. Not that Harry needed protection from him, but, fuck, he just wanted to touch him. Louis thought that Harry was too busy to notice the hand on his waist, but he looked up to Harry's face and saw that his cheeks held a slight blush.

They had now moved away from the crowd and were now walking to a separate painting that wasn't as popular. At this point, Louis had no reason to hang onto Harry's waist like he was. But he was only grasping onto a small part of the loose fabric from Harry's shirt. It was enough for Louis. Almost as if he had to keep telling himself that this boy was real.

"What's your favorite?" Louis asked when they arrived at their destination. He was now grasping onto Harry like he was grasping onto the fact that, at this moment, he could call Harry 'his' and only his. It almost pained him to think about his life without Harry now.

Harry stared at the painting in front of him. Camille Monet on a Garden Bench. Louis thought he looked a little dazed, so he thought it was just the overall excitement, but, no, there was a pretty boy clinging onto him like his life depended on it. "Café Terrace at Night" Van Gogh." Harry turned to make eye contact with Louis. "What's yours?"

Louis smirked. "The Persistence of Memory" Dalí," Louis responded, copying Harry's format.

Harry shook his head. "Of course it is. Guess we'll have to hit up Museum of Modern Art to see it cause I'd like to judge it with my own eyes." Harry laughed before walking away to another artwork before Louis could retort.

Alas, Louis followed him (somewhere along the way he had lost his grip). "Excuse me?" he started with a very sarcastic tone, gaining him a smirk from Harry. "That piece is artistic brilliance. Just because you don't like the pieces that are creative doesn't mean you can't appreciate them." Louis didn't really even know if that made any sense. He was just enjoying the light banter the two seemed to have made a habit of.

Harry turned away from the art to look at Louis. "Oh, really? These artists aren't creative?" he asked, waving his hand to gesture to the entire room they were in.

Louis rolled his eyes with a smile on his face. "They're painting pictures of what they see. Surrealist artists had to use their imagination. Now that's art." He pointed a finger at Harry. "But, unlike you, I can still appreciate it."

Harry grasped onto the finger that was in the air like a newborn baby would. "Saying that this isn't art doesn't sound like appreciating to me." Harry's voice had lowered both in volume and pitch, and Louis felt like he was the child being scolded by a parent.

Louis ripped his finger from Harry's grasp, crossed his arms, and leaned all his weight on one leg. He would never admit defeat even when he was very wrong. "Well you insulted my favorite painting, so it's only fair we travel to the Netherlands to see your favorite painting, so I can judge it with my own eyes," Louis retorted, completely ignoring the fact that it wasn't even an argument. He stalked away to the statue in the middle of the room.

Harry followed a few moments later and stood behind him. Probably too close to comfort. "Only our second date and you suggest going to the Netherlands?" Louis could almost feel the smirk that Harry held on his face.

"Oh, hush up," Louis said but smiled anyways. There was something about this playful exchange that made Harry more comfortable than he's ever felt while in the presence of someone else. Maybe it was because this was only banter, neither of them meant anything they said. Maybe it was because Louis made Harry feel comfortable. Being with Louis seemed to be a land of milk and honey. But for now, he felt okay with the relationship the two have seemed to build. Whether it was strictly a friendship or if Louis wanted more, they hadn't spoken about it. But, Harry was okay with that. He was happy; comfortable.

Harry grinned from behind Louis; he could definitely get used to this. They both admired the statue that imitated a painting by Degas. Harry even considered wrapping his arms around Louis' waist, but, no, that was a step too far in his mind. "Anything else in particular you wanna see?" Harry asked.

Louis pulled back to look at Harry. "I would love to see anything you'd like." It was Louis' way of saying that he wished to never see the excitement leave Harry's face. That this was all for Harry. (Maybe at this point he was in a bit too deep than he'd like).

"Okay," Harry whispered, "let's wander, then." Harry lightly skimmed Louis' hand with his own. Teasing but to Harry, that was as far as he seemed willing to go, but Louis didn't know that because all he could see was the excitement in Harry's eyes. 

 

 

When they finally exited the building (at seven o'clock, Louis was starving), Harry looked satisfied but the excitement still hadn't journeyed away from his face. "May I please suggest food now?" Louis asked while grabbing Harry's hand for the first time that day. It was like a dying need to touch him again and again and never get tired of it.

"Chinese?" Harry suggested.

"You read my mind. There's a really good place just down the street."

Harry turned serious for a moment and looked to the ground as they started walking towards the restaurant. "Thanks for coming with me, Louis." Louis felt a squeeze on his hand.

Louis' heart sunk a bit at the fact that Harry thought he had to thank him. "I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else, love." Louis squeezed back. Both of their faces held soft smiles.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> their first problem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one's a bit short whoops. thanks for reading!! i hope you enjoy this chapter! as always, kudos, comments, and constructive criticism are welcome! all the love, cassidy.

Harry woke up remembering bits and pieces from the night before. Somewhere in his memory there existed some sake bombs, but he wasn't sure if it was for himself or Louis. Maybe there were some beers after that, too.

He knew he remembered going to the museum and getting food after (and how their original want for Chinese changed to sushi as soon as they passed the restaurant and how it smelled so exceptional). But after that, the memories were a bit blurred out. He just hoped he didn't do anything too embarrassing.

While sleepily sauntering over to the kitchen to get some pain meds for his growing headache, Harry heard some noises that made his heart rate speed up because they were definitely human noises. He grabbed a shoe that he found lying in the hallway and picked it up, planning to use it as a weapon. (He didn't really know what he was planning on doing with it, but he guessed it was better than nothing). Harry rose the shoe higher in his hand as he came closer to the kitchen. As he rounded the corner, prepared to face the intruder, Louis came into his eyesight, and Harry just about died.

Louis turned around to see Harry's frazzled face (and also a shoe that made him mildly scared). "Why do you have a shoe?" Louis asked with slow words.

Harry immediately put it down, hiding it behind his back. "Oh, I was just looking for the other one," Harry lied even though he was sure Louis knew exactly why he had it. After a few moments of Louis having a slight smirk on his face, Harry asked, "Wait, what happened last night?" It was pretty clear that he was actually trying to ask why Louis was standing in Harry's kitchen.

"Well, we got sushi, we each had a sake bomb." Okay, so Harry was right about that one. "But apparently, you never had one before, so it kinda...hit you, I guess. Then we came back had some beers and made out, not much else." Louis shrugged. "I passed out on your couch, by the way," Louis included, because that was a very important detail. "And I'm making breakfast, and these are my pans, since you didn't have any." Louis smiled. There was a lot going on in Harry's brain at the moment. The most pressing matter in his mind was the fact that Louis actually left his apartment and came back to make breakfast. He really didn't bother questioning how Louis got back in because he figured the doorman recognized him and let him in and that he took Harry's keys. But why would he come back to make breakfast?

"You actually went all the way to your apartment, got pans, and brought them back to make breakfast?" Harry was still massively confused.

But Louis looked slightly defeated. "Sorry, I know it's a lot, but..."

Harry was quick to remedy that. "No, no, it's perfectly fine. It's just really...sweet." Harry didn't know any other word to describe the situation.

Louis definitely looked more confident in his decision now. "Well, anyways, good morning." Louis smiled and inched closer to Harry. He got up on his toes to quickly peck Harry's lips whose eyes fluttered in surprise. Louis would have taken it further if they hadn't just recently met each other and were still trying to preserve their morning breaths for later. "Go get dressed, our omelets are burning," Louis said, looking Harry up and down. And now Harry thought it was very obvious how he stood only in his underwear, something he hadn't really taken notice of before. But he quickly blushed and left the kitchen.

Harry got dressed in some plain black skinny jeans with a white and faded Rolling Stones t-shirt. He fixed his curls in the mirror and brushed his teeth. When he came back out, Louis had set two plates down on the table. And the food looked extremely good. Harry sat and waited for Louis to sit, as well, before he started eating. He practically moaned. "This is so good, Louis," he said before taking another eager bite.

"Thanks," Louis said before taking a bite of his own. A few moments went by where the only sound that could be heard was the clinking of forks against the plates. "You know," Louis started, "there was something else that happened last night."

Harry's thoughts froze. Maybe this was why Louis seemed to be acting more hesitant than usual. "Yeah?" he tried to ask with a calm voice, but he wasn't sure if it worked.

"Nothing big, but you were very insistent on writing your book, I think. You, like, refused to let me see what you were doing, too." And, yeah, this was why Louis acted differently. Harry didn't know what to say or how Louis really felt about it because he didn't remember Louis' reaction. He's never having a sake bomb again.

Since he didn't know what to say, he avoided the whole conversation thing and stood up to find his laptop. When he found it, he went back to the table and opened it, waiting for it to turn on. "You were really into writing it, practically didn't let me talk." Harry felt so bad because his voice sounded so sad. It became clear to Harry that this breakfast wasn't about being romantic or sweet (he felt stupid now), but it was about having a conversation, and Harry wasn't ready for that. He put his fork down onto the plate, his appetite gone.

"I'm sorry, Louis. My editor/publisher person wants me to write a page every day, and I guess I didn't get to it until last night."

Louis didn't acknowledge the apology. "What's it about?" he questioned quietly. Harry could tell this was a question he tried to ask drunk Harry, but he didn't get an answer; he wasn't going to get an answer out of sober Harry, either.

Harry felt really bad, but he was just so scared of it all. "Erm, it's about a college student that drops out to travel the world." Harry could tell by the look in his eyes that Louis knew he was lying.

Louis nodded and pursed his lips into a straight line. "Okay." He nodded again. "I think I'll be going now." Louis stood up out of the chair.

"Louis..." Harry started, but he knew it would be no use. They've known each other for days, and he's already fucked up. "I'm sorry."

Louis grabbed his things from the couch, lightly laughing at the situation. He didn't know if he was more mad at Harry or himself. Harry for the obvious reasons, or himself for letting himself fall for a stranger he barely knew. "Don't, Harry." He noticed that Harry now stood near the door. At least he knew how it would end. "I'm sorry I ever asked," Louis said as he passed Harry and walked out the door, not looking back.

A few steps down the hallway, he heard Harry's door shut, quietly, as if he tried to conceal the sound by doing it as slow as possible.

Harry stood resting his forehead on the door for probably a long time; he assumed there would be a red mark on his face by the time he moved. To avoid drowning in his thoughts for at least a few minutes, he went downstairs and grabbed his mail. It was all bills.

He came back up and went over to his laptop again to start paying them.

When he finished, he looked at his bank account and kind of cringed. He really needed the publishing process to hurry up.

But when he had done that, his thoughts that came to him were inevitable. It just sucked how much he couldn't reveal even the small parts of himself to Louis. He could tell how much he was hurting Louis by not telling him things about himself. In short, he was really telling Louis that he didn't trust him. What was stopping him from revealing the vulnerable parts to him? He even thought that vulnerability was beautiful, but he, himself, couldn't fathom being honest even with himself, sometimes.

He was scared, and he just wished he would know why.

^^^^^

"I don't know, Zayn, he's just so hesitant about everything," Louis said when Zayn started a conversation about how his date went.

"Is that a bad thing necessarily? Everyone has their flaws, that doesn't seem to be so bad," Zayn shrugged, a little bit more focused on his art rather than Louis' problems.

Zayn put down the spray paint and faced Louis. "Well, you guys just met each other, you're not going to be telling each other everything." He really wanted this conversation to be over with.

"I mean, I know. But, I expect more. He's so hidden away," Louis countered.

"Then get to know him more. Running isn't going to do any good. Plus, you just left our pans over there, and we need them to cook, so please figure it out and go get them." It was clear Zayn felt annoyed and argued against anything Louis said, so he turned around to sulk in his room.

^^^^^

A week went by and neither of the boys tried to contact each other. They both lived their lives as if they had never met each other. But that wasn't very hard since they'd known each other for only a week. Harry avoided the coffee shop, and Louis, well, he was just hoping he'd never run into the guy. If that meant avoiding museums for the rest of his life, then so be it.

Louis' friends really wanted him to grow up and just talk to Harry. Liam and Zayn were very done with hearing him complain about the situation constantly. Louis was too prideful, though. He didn't want to let down on the not-so-fight because that meant he'd have to admit defeat, and Harry was definitely the one in the wrong. It was a situation that he didn't really know how to handle.

Harry, on the other hand, was beating himself up, over and over again. It was to the point one day, when Casandra asked him how he was doing, (a completely absent question, that she probably didn't care what the answer was) he almost broke down crying. It was the closest to a relationship he's ever gotten, and he somehow had messed up.

To be honest, it didn't really help that he thought Louis was completely done with him. He would never had guessed that Louis felt distraught, too. Ever since that morning, he thought Louis was completely done with him, so that's why he never bothered to say anything to Louis.

The only bit of hope that Harry had was the fact that Louis' pans still sat in the same place as Louis left them. (Harry had washed them, but then put them back where it looked like he hadn't touched them). In no way was Harry going to take them back to Louis' apartment. That was so not happening. It obviously wasn't that he thought Louis deserved to come pick them back up, but if he returned them too soon, that meant Louis would never have a reason to see Harry again. Harry didn't have a roommate that could open the door either. Louis would have to face Harry. Maybe that felt a tad bit manipulative to him, but, oh well.

^^^^^

Harry was making dinner with his pans that he bought when he heard a knock at the door. He did definitely freeze because there was only one visitor he had that his doorman would let in. (He only had one visitor anyways, but that didn't matter at the moment). Unless it was the landlord, in which he would be pleasantly surprised to see.

Harry sauntered over to the door, and when he opened it, he learned his original thought was right. Louis stood right in front of him. Both boys stared at each other for a moment before Louis piped up, "Hi, can I come in?" Harry half expected Louis to cut to the chase and say that he needed his pans, so he nodded in surprise and moved to the side. He noticed that Louis caught sight of what he left here, so maybe it was just manners. "I did come to get the pans, but I also wanted to talk." Louis crossed his arms over his chest when he sat on the couch, prompting Harry to sit in a single seat.

"I really want to say that I'm sorry, Louis. I‒" Harry tried to begin but was quickly cut off by Louis.

"Wait, Harry. I've been talking a lot to Zayn and Liam, my coworker," Louis added when Harry looked confused. It was at that moment when he realized he never bothered to introduce the two. "They said that I should really just come over here and give you a second chance." Harry's ears perked up. He didn't think Louis would have even considered that. "But I don't want the second chance to end the same way that it did before."

"Louis, I‒" Harry tried to speak again when Louis took a breath but got interrupted again.

"Tower of Babel." Harry looked confused. "I'm assuming you know this one, Harry," Louis tried to hint. (He looked up a single allusion that tackled the idea of miscommunication).

"Well, yeah. The Bible story about how different languages came to be. After the Great Flood, people tried to build a structure tall enough to reach heaven." Harry looked at Louis for assurance and figured it would be best until the story finished. "God didn't like that, so he separated everyone around the world and changed their languages, so nobody could understand each other." Louis nodded with a look on his face that Harry couldn't quite read. "Oh."

Louis smiled because that's what he tried to get across. (He also internally rejoiced at the fact that he didn't have to explain himself). "I don't want to be speaking different languages anymore. I want us to figure each other out and begin speaking the same language. In other words, I want to get to know you, Harry. And I want you to get to know me. Would that be all right, Harry?" Harry quickly nodded and stood up to sit next to Louis on the couch.

They embraced each other while sitting. It was then when Louis realized how much he missed the boy over their week of being separated. Louis' hand traveled up Harry's back, feeling the softness of the sweater. Harry was so soft, and he loved it.

Harry didn't know what got into him; he had never had a history of making any first moves, unless he had to avoid questions. Which he supposed he was doing now, avoiding any more possible questions that Louis had. About himself or about his book (which was the thing that cut them off the first time, but Harry still didn't feel ready to be honest about that).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed and thanks for reading!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> much needed conversation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading guys! and thanks for over 500 hits; i know that's probably not a lot but it means a lot so thanks! i hope you enjoy this chapter! kudos and comments and constructive criticism are always welcome! all the love, cassidy.

Louis played with Harry's long curls, running his fingers through them. They had been hugging for a while now, but it felt right. Like, they could just sigh and never take a breath again because they'd be each other's oxygen.

Eventually, Louis decided to listen to his stomach since it started growling so much that he couldn't take it any longer. "Do you have any food? I'm starving," Louis said as he pulled back from Harry who looked a little dazed. It'd been an emotional ten minutes.

"Erm, yeah. What do you want?" Harry asked, standing up from the couch, prompting Louis to follow him into the kitchen.

"Anything's fine." Harry nodded. He grabbed some crackers, honey, and a lemon from the fridge. After grabbing a plate, he set down some crackers, drizzled honey on top, and sprinkled lemon juice on top.

Harry carefully sat down the plate in front of Louis where he sat down at the table. He also had to turn off everything he was using to cook dinner because his plans were now interrupted. Making Louis any type of dinner would be a bigger step than he would be ready for. Harry sat down at the table with him and grabbed a cracker, prompting Louis to smile. "You're from Manchester, right?" Louis asked, acknowledging their first conversation.

Harry nodded, smiling a bit with the mention of being home. "Holmes Chapel, yeah...Doncaster, right?" he asked, narrowing his eyes a bit, not sure if was the correct place.

Louis' eyes crinkled at the corners as he smiled. "You remembered! I thought you didn't catch me trying to flirt with you," Louis pointed out as he took another bite.

Harry's smile fell. He definitely did not catch that. "What?"

Louis looked at the boy's frown and resisted the urge to laugh. "I believe I asked for your name after I gave you your coffee." Harry felt a little embarrassed but not so much so because that was very subtle. Louis observed Harry, trying to see if the memory came to his mind. When it didn't, he felt a little bad. "I thought you were model when you walked in. I was thinking, like, why else would a guy like this be living in Brooklyn." Louis smiled and shook his head slightly. He lightly flicked one of the crackers, sending it a couple centimeters down the plate.

Harry's heart felt a little gushy. "When we first went out, you told me that," Harry pointed out.

Louis smirked a bit. "Yeah, I know. Just wanted to tell you again." Harry's heart gushed a bit more, and he couldn't help the small smile from appearing on his lips. He didn't mention how he also tried to flirt with Louis, but it didn't work because he didn't hear Harry. He stole another cracker, and Louis took the last one on the plate. "You know, there's this place called Paint Along where a teacher instructs a class how to paint whatever picture they have scheduled while they sip on some wine. I was looking at it, and Water Lillies is the one tonight, if you wanna go? No wine, though."

Harry looked at Louis with a smile on his face; Louis suddenly became aware of how beautiful Harry was. He was so soft and delicate, yet masculine and lean. Harry was a living paradox, and it was beautiful. "Yeah, that sounds like fun." Harry held a bigger smile on his face. "Let me just clean up the kitchen and then we can go?" Louis nodded as he realized that Harry was probably in the middle of making himself dinner.

"I'll go make reservations." He traveled to the living room where he could call them without disturbing Harry.

When Louis finished, he sauntered back over to Harry who was drying the dishes. "Did you eat yet?" The question bugged him.

Harry laughed lightly. "I just ate some of your crackers." He shrugged. "Don't worry about it."

Okay, but Louis still felt bad. "We could get some food there, then," Louis concluded because he wanted to damn make sure that Harry was treated right.

Harry smiled a grateful smile.

When they got there (Louis was glad that they didn't stop to eat because they made it just in time), Louis got some bruschetta.

"How'd you hear about this place?" Harry asked while taking a very hungry bight.

"Zayn works here. He's not working tonight, though, so we aren't going to be babysat."

Harry laughed. "Well, thank you, Louis. And, I'm sorry about last week." Harry didn't need to elaborate.

Louis shook his head. "No, really. I think I understand." Harry really didn't think he did. "It's okay. The book is an intimate part of you, and I get that we're not to that level yet, but I hope we will be soon."

Harry smiled but still felt guilty. He really didn't know what to say though, so (once again to avoid some type of honesty) he wrapped Louis up in his arms. Louis felt surprised but didn't care because he was trying to memorize this feeling. He considered gluing them together so that Louis could forever hold onto Harry's warmth. The warmth that, although he didn't experience much of it, he missed so much. He didn't have time to memorize the type of warmth that would have came from wrapping his arms around Harry because he was gone too quick.

Louis only felt enough strength for a small smile as Harry looked at him once more before turning to the front where the teacher began speaking. There was a part of Louis that didn't really even care to paint this; he simply wanted to watch Harry. It felt like their date to the museum all over again. The way that Harry looked so attentive as if this was the last thing he would do in life. He moved so carefully, too. The dipping of his paintbrush into his water cup was so delicate; Louis wanted to cry.

The teacher started giving some more last minute instructions before they started painting. Louis decided to be a bit brave and run his hand up and down Harry's back. It wasn't sexual at all, but it was to merely tell Harry, "I can be your Balm in Gilead, and you, mine." Harry looked around his shoulder, letting Louis know that he appreciated the touch, even if he never would have initiated it himself. Nothing could compare to the feeling of human flesh to human flesh, even if there was a thin piece of cotton separating the two. A touch could ignite every hormone in his brain. But the oxytocin screamed as it was released, igniting chemical reactions no one could ever dream of. It was an intimate moment between the two, and Louis almost wished they were alone.

The moment came to an end when Louis decided to look less creepy and actually paint.

A few moments went by when Louis glanced over at Harry's canvas, surprised how Harry's small spots of color looked so bright and happy compared to Louis' dark and dull color. He observed how his long hair was pulled back into a low ponytail so that he wouldn't get any paint in it. It was beautiful, exaggerating Harry's strong features that made Louis feel weak. He realized that Harry was chewing gum. Louis wondered what flavor it was. There was something in Louis' gut that told him that Harry would be a bubblegum type of guy. Another feeling told him that he'd be a mint guy. (Maybe Louis also hoped for it to be mint because Harry wanted to kiss him later.) Maybe Louis might ask for a piece just to see the flavor.

Louis' water brush had dried out because of his incessant staring. He went to dip it back in the water, not fully looking because he'd rather look at Harry. Alas, he did it a bit too aggressively as he knocked the cup over, and it flowed into a small river a few inches down the table. Before Louis even realized, Harry was already soaking it up with some of their spare paper towels.

Louis smiled when Harry relaxed again. "Thanks," he said in a small voice.

Harry turned to Louis. "You know, spilling water is supposed to mean good luck." He really did mean that as a genuine, rhetorical, platonic statement.

Louis' thoughts went in another direction. "Are you saying that I need luck for something, Harold?"

No, that's not what Harry was thinking. Not even in the same dimension. Before his mind could even correct Louis, his mouth had spit out a, "Maybe." He was fucked; he knew exactly what that sounded like. Perhaps a Freudian slip. "Are you suggesting that you might need luck for something?" He doubted that it repaired anything, but it was worth a try. Although, it might've just made things worse.

Louis thought about ignoring the direction this conversation was going. It would be easier. Both of their paintings were left now as an afterthought, completely deserted. The only hint to them that they were in public. Louis remembered Liam saying something at how he should give Harry a chance to love him. Maybe this would be a way to get rid of the commitment issues at the front of his mind. Diving right in seemed like the way to go right now. Because if he were to wade in, he'd realize all the bad about it; he'd feel the cold start coming into every pore. Diving in meant not realizing, he'd instantly get used to it or feel the cold all at once. It was a risk worth taking. "You tell me, Styles. Do I need luck to ask you to be my boyfriend?"

Harry knew that some type of rendition of those words would come out of Louis' mouth. It didn't mean that he'd be ready for it, because that's not at all what Harry meant at first. He knew he lead Louis on with that, though, he'd take full responsibility. But what else could he possibly do, say yes? Backtrack on his words? "No, you didn't need it for that." Louis smiled, and Harry smiled back. Might as well just jump right in.

Louis knew that the question acted merely as a formality. That, people just used it as a romantic question. In this case though, Louis wanted to ask it in favor of them being on the same page. They've seemed to have communication issues, so why not reduce the chances of being further confused? "So," Louis started, "what would you say if I asked you to be my boyfriend?" Maybe this was a fucking bad idea, but, at the moment, Louis didn't care. And, well, Louis figured that since Harry started the conversation, he must be okay with it.

Harry smiled a bit, paintbrush in hand once again. "I would say yes," he stated. Louis smiled back. He almost wished this moment would have been in private so that he'd be able to kiss Harry. Instead, he reached a hand over to Harry's thigh and squeezed it a couple times. It would do for now. Harry's face looked quiet as he observed Louis' hand. "You know, I'm glad we managed to figure us out." It was most definitely a lie. Harry felt like he was entering into a doomed relationship.

"Oi, don't jinx it," Louis said and knocked on the wooden table a couple of times. If they didn't have everyone's attention before, they surely did now. At least the quietness of Harry's face was now replaced with a large, goofy smile. Something that appeared much better.

They had both gotten a bit behind with their paintings. Each of them had to rush a bit to finish it. When they signed their names, Harry did a normal signature whereas Louis put a smiley face with x's as the eyes. Harry might have been a bit endeared at that. (And he also might have taken a picture really quickly of Louis painting since he took so long to finish. And he also might have posted it to Instagram with his signature black and white filter. It looked quite artsy in his opinion).

"Ready to go?" Louis asked after a few more minutes of eating their snack.

"Let's get someone to take our picture," Harry replied, and Louis had to smile because, of course. An artist at the shop was willing to take their picture as they both held up their paintings with smiles on their faces. Louis felt so young, but he didn't care too much because Harry looked so happy. When she was out of hearing distance, Harry said, "The picture looks great." He handed Louis his phone.

Louis nodded, the smile still stuck to his face. "It does. Can you send it to me?" Harry nodded quickly tapping the screen a few times. 

 

Hand in hand, they walked back to the subway train and sat down next to each other. It was now night, so there was next to nobody aside from a few stragglers, like themselves. Louis decided to take it a step further and wrap a protective arm around Harry's shoulder. In turn, it surprised him when Harry rested his head on Louis' shoulder. But it was a pleasant surprise. They both felt content with how they were positioned and with how their relationship felt at the moment. Nothing had gone wrong yet. At that time, Harry figured he might just embrace the situation with full arms because it was already in front of him.

"You tired?" Louis asked with a soft voice, lightly threading his fingers through Harry's long curls. "Sleep if you want; I'll wake you."

Louis could feel how Harry shook his head. It was pretty clear that the was tired, though. "I wanna talk to you." Louis' heart swelled a bit, and his tummy went a bit haywire. Harry was just so unbelievably sweet.

"Have you always had your hair long?" Louis asked, mostly out of curiosity and some to make conversation.

"No, this is the longest I've had it. Why? Do you not like it?" Insecurity leaked through Harry's voice as he sat up; Louis' fingers still tangled in his hair.

But Louis couldn't contain a small chuckle. "No, I love it, babe. But, for the record, I think you'd look amazing with any type of hair," he whispered into Harry's ear making the boy blush.

Louis continued to play with Harry's hair, and, a few moments later, Harry leaned back on his shoulder. "Okay, maybe I will sleep now," he laughed lightly.

Slowly, they'll be able to figure each other out. Louis was certain.

When Louis noticed that their stop was nearing, he started gently waking Harry up. The train started to slow down as Harry's brain registered what was happening.

Louis took Harry's hand in his own and exited the train.

They walked back to Harry's apartment silently. Louis figured that the boy still felt a little out of it because of his short nap.

When they arrived, Harry asked Louis if he wanted to come inside, merely to say that he didn't want Louis to walk back to his alone.

Louis wanted to say yes so badly. But he knew it wouldn't be smart. "I have work in the morning, so not tonight." He smiled softly and squeezed Harry's hand. (They still hadn't let go of each other.) "I'll see you tomorrow?" There was a hopeful tone behind his voice.

Harry smiled and nodded. "I'll come by then." Louis reached up and touched their lips together, albeit pulling Harry a bit down in the process. It was longer than a peck, but shorter than anything else.

"Goodnight, boyfriend," Louis said with a cheeky smile as he turned and walked down the hallway.

When Harry got on the other side of the door, he rested his back against it and sighed.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> smut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, and i hope you enjoy this chapter! not too far from the end now! as always, kudos, comments, and constructive criticism are welcome! all the love, cassidy.

It wasn't that Harry disliked Louis. In fact, he really did. His tummy fluttered when he was around him, his heart grew every time Louis smiled. Despite those things, he still had precautions about their relationship.

Last night, he did tell himself that he should just go all in since it was already right in front of him.

But how was he supposed to do that when his brain was sending danger signals all over the place?

Maybe it was simply that they moved too fast. That they didn't know each other too well. Maybe it was more than that. Harry didn't know.

On the other hand, Louis' precautions just about disappeared. He was pretty much as happy as he could be. (Okay, maybe he was still a bit cautious about Harry's cautiousness). In honesty, he really did enjoy being around Harry. Everything that came out of Harry's mouth was going to be a mystery, and Louis just kept on wanting more. Not to mention how beautiful and sweet and delicate Harry was. The only thing he wished for was a bit more trust in the boy. But that was something they could, hopefully, work on.

"Hey, Louis," Liam said, trying to snap Louis out of his thoughts. "Harry's here." He pointed to the boy smiling on the other side of the cash register.

Instantly, Louis' face lit up with a smile. "Hi, love. How are you?"

Harry looked down at his toes. He was worried about their relationship, but he obviously wasn't going to mention that to Louis. "Good. You?"

"Happy now that you're here," Louis said, knowing that it would get Harry to blush.

Maybe not blush, but it did get him to roll his eyes and smile a bit. "You're so cheesy." Harry shook his head.

Louis scoffed. "Well, did you want anything to drink, or eat?"

"Can I just get a black coffee, please?" Louis was learning how polite Harry was to literally everything around him. It was quite admirable.

Louis smiled and turned to Liam. "Can you ring him up?" Liam nodded and proceeded to do so.

Louis turned back to Harry when it dripped into the cup. "Go sit, I'll bring it to you," he practically ordered Harry. He smiled.

When the coffee was done, Louis walked over to where Harry took a seat. Harry wasn't expecting Louis to sit across from him, but he did. "Thanks, Lou. You should go back to work, though," he said, blowing on the coffee a bit. "I don't want you to get in trouble because of me."

Louis took the opening. "What would you have to do then, punish me?" he asked with a smirk on his face.

Harry finally got the coffee cooled down enough and spluttered into it. He was definitely not expecting that. His cheeks were burning up like they never have before. All the blood in his body rushed to his face. It suddenly felt quite hot in there. He didn't really know what to say, so he opted with a, "Go back to work, Louis."

Louis pouted and stayed for a bit longer. After a few moments, he said, "You look really cute." And he meant it, he wasn't trying to make another comment. Harry had on some black jeans and a red Hawaiian shirt. Not anything Louis would go for, but Harry looked amazing in it.

Flirting was definitely Louis' comfort zone, Harry concluded. "Thank you but go back to work." He lightly nudged his shoe against Louis' thigh, making him roll his eyes and stand up. Before he left completely, he ruffled his hand in Harry's hair, something he had missed overnight.

When he got back behind the counter, Louis watched as Harry pulled out his laptop, a slight smile still present on his face. It made Louis want to smile even larger.

To be honest, Harry had this little thing called writer's block. And it was annoying the crap out of him. He'd been stuck on how he wants his character to kill her significant other. He didn't know what would be the most symbolic of her feelings. Shooting him just seemed so easy. Trying to poison him would be too complicated. What other ways were there? Harry wasn't exactly an expert on crime and murder, so he was having a bit of trouble. Maybe he should binge some cop shows to get some ideas. But no, this had to be a personal reason. Something his character would do, not some random, fake serial killer.

Harry rubbed his face in his hands as he started to get more frustrated. If he didn't think about it for a bit, maybe the idea would come to him.

He stared into space for a few moments when his phone started to buzz with a call from Niall. After he had posted that picture on Instagram, he had been waiting for a call. He picked up his phone and walked outside to talk to Niall.

Louis understood that Harry had his own business. That was fine, and he respected that. But all he wanted him to do was take his (still open) laptop with him when he decided to go outside. This was the second time he's done this, and it was New York for God's sake. So being a nice boyfriend, Louis rolled his eyes and grabbed the laptop to put it under the counter. Louis knew that Harry had his book open, and that he was in the middle of writing it. It was so tempting to just sneak a peek at Harry's written thoughts. But no, that would throw what little trust Harry had in him out the window. So he shut it, just in case he would be tempted.

Outside, Harry answered the phone to Niall already talking, not giving him a chance to even say hello. "Har, who's the guy on your Instagram last night?"

"Oh, that's Louis. He's just a friend," Harry lied and actually began to feel really bad about it.

It was like he could hear Niall rolling his eyes. "Bullshit. Guys don't go painting together unless it's a date, so who is he?"

"I think that's a bit stereotypical," Harry said, ignoring the elephant in the phone.

"Harold, you know that I will go searching the internet to find this guy," he threatened.

He knew Niall would. That's why he didn't tag Louis in the photo. Harry groaned; he did kind of put himself in this situation, though. "Okay, fine. His name is Louis, and, as of last night, we're dating."

Niall stayed silent until, "Couldn't find a guy in all of England for twenty-two years, but you're in New York for three weeks, and you already have a boyfriend. You move fast."

Harry chuckled and lightly toed his shoe against the sidewalk. "Do you think it's too soon?"

"Is he a good guy?" Niall turned serious.

"The best," Harry replied with a smile on his face, glancing back at Louis. Maybe everything will be alright.

"Then, no, it's not too soon." Harry didn't reply. "Well, I gotta go, Har. Bye." Harry quickly said the same.

When Harry walked back in, Louis was leaning over the counter and was smirking at him. In fact, he was leaning over Harry's laptop which made his brain pause for a moment because what if Louis read what he wrote? That thought quickly diminished when he realized that Louis would not be acting this way.

"Do not worry, Harry. It is safe because of me. I even punched the guy who tried to take it, all for you." Louis sighed nonchalantly and started examining his nails.

Harry rolled his eyes and laughed, knowing he was joking but decided to have a bit of fun and played along. "You're my hero. I don't know what I would do without you."

Louis' eyes sparkled after hearing what Harry said, even if he was just joking. "Good. I'm not going anywhere." Louis handed the laptop back, and Harry sat back down at his table, smirking at Louis. Oh, what did he get himself into?

He opened up his laptop once more to stare at the cursor blink again and again. It was beginning to get more and more frustrating as the staring continued. His book was about a girl who goes crazy over love. (Maybe if he used some deductive reasoning, he could get some ideas out.) It was an honest story. The character sometimes seemed to be too honest with herself sometimes. At that moment, Harry didn't know how to be honest without revealing the scary part of himself (or that he believed was scary). He was scared to tell Louis, afraid that he would become terrified of Harry and go running for the hills. Logically, he figured that Louis probably wouldn't care. But there was still that what if he did get scared.

The other question that was racking Harry's brain was why was he so afraid to lose Louis? He knew that he got into the relationship on miscommunication. But he was still scared of losing Louis. Harry wondered if that meant that Harry cared more for Louis than he originally thought. Maybe it's even simply that he'd never experienced this type of love or relationship, and it isn't all that it's cracked up to be. All he seemed to know was that he felt confused. Confused as to what he was feeling versus what he was supposed to be feeling.

The more Harry thought, the more words and ideas flowed out of his fingertips.

^^^^^

"Hi, love, ready to go?" Louis asked as he approached Harry who looked up from his laptop, seemingly for the first time in a while. He caught note on how Harry looked everywhere around him, just noticing that everyone was gone. Louis' manager allowed him to stay as soon as she found out who he was.

"Erm, yeah. Let me just..." Harry trailed off and typed what seemed to be a few more words before closing it and standing, smiling at Louis.

"How does dinner sound?"

"Great." They exited the coffee shop. "I was so busy with writing that I forgot to eat," Harry said with a chuckle.

"Pizza?" Louis asked, grabbing Harry's hand and swinging it between them.

Harry almost groaned at the thought. "Perfect. Still haven't tried New York pizza." Harry put his free hand on his tummy because of the sudden awareness of his hunger. "Wait." Harry stopped in his tracks causing Louis to look at him in concern. "Only if I'm paying."

"Nope," Louis said, popping the 'p'. He dramatically spun on his heel and forcibly pulled Harry along.

But Harry stopped them again. "Yes, Louis. You paid last time, and you can't tell me that wasn't‒" Louis cut off Harry with his lips. Yes, they were kissing on the side of the street, but Harry didn't care at the moment. He normally would, but there was something about Louis' confidence in the situation that forced him not to care. It was like Louis had some type of Svengali power. They slowly started moving their lips together in sync. Harry started smiling because he knew exactly why Louis did that. His smile caused their teeth to lightly clash, making Louis pull back and smile.

"Sorry, I just realized that I didn't get to kiss you today," Louis said innocently and began walking again.

Harry shook his head even though Louis couldn't see him. "You're so annoying," Harry laughed.

"It worked, didn't it?" Louis asked turning his head to Harry.

"No, I'm still paying," Harry said and chuckled. He's already come to terms with the fact that he wasn't going to pay, though. Harry was curious to see what Louis would say.

Louis simply scoffed and stopped walking. "Do we need a repeat of what just happened?" And, oh, did Harry like what Louis had to say. This seemed like it was the first time that Harry was simply allowing himself to enjoy the moment without thinking about anything else.

"I think so," Harry suggested.

Louis tilted his head to the side, as if debating what to say. He leaned forward and whispered into Harry' ear, "I think we may want to save that for later, darling."

And, yeah, Harry wasn't expecting that to come out of Louis' mouth. It had turned him into a blushing mess. Louis smirked at the effect he had on Harry. It was very bold, and Harry admired the way he was just able to say it so nonchalantly. Since Harry's known Louis, bold seemed to be the perfect word to describe him. Words fluttered so easily from Louis' mouth, as if he never thought about the consequences. But, with Louis' words, they all fitted so perfectly in that moment. Nothing is hurtful, and he's always so sweet. Maybe Harry was definitely realizing that he was infatuated with Louis. Although, knowing himself, he would become the exact opposite the next day.

Louis led them to a pizza shop that ended up being not too far of a walk from the coffee shop, and Harry was glad because his stomach was growling even more than before. "What do you want?" Louis asked him as they looked up at the menu.

"Anything's fine." Harry walked away to find a seat before Louis could respond. He left Louis a bit confused at his sudden change of attitude but decided to put it off until later and just order some pepperoni pizza.

Louis joined Harry at the table who was looking down at his phone but didn't look up when he sat down. It finally clicked in Louis' mind what may have set him off.

"Harry?" He finally got his attention. "Did my...comment upset you?" Louis asked hesitantly, hoping that Harry would be honest with him since it was something that would become important in the future.

The younger boy crossed his arms on the table and played with his sleeves that stopped a little bit before his elbow. "No, it didn't upset me." Harry put a small smile on his face as he made eye contact with Louis.

This was a learning experience for Louis. And if he wanted to stay with Harry, he was gonna have to learn how to take some notes. Harry was sensitive, really sensitive. It wasn't a bad thing at all; it just meant that he felt everything. Every word that Louis said went straight to Harry's heart without allowing his brain to filter it out first.

That didn't mean that Louis knew what had happened to the boy. "Then what's wrong?"

Harry didn't really expect Louis to keep pushing and pushing, and he didn't know what to say. "I guess I just got flustered is all." Harry looked at Louis' eyes the entire time he spoke.

"Oh, okay," Louis replied a little drawn out. There was something that told Louis that Harry wasn't exactly being truthful, but he didn't really have anything solid to go by.

Before Louis could even try to press further, their pizza arrived. Saved by the bell, he supposed.

"Thank God, I'm starving," Harry said (at least he seemed more his normal self now) as he tried pulling a piece off the trawy but quickly pulled back and caressed his finger. "Fuck, that's hot." He blew on his finger. "I wouldn't touch that just yet," Harry said to Louis and pointed to the pizza. Louis just burst out laughing at Harry's actions and how adorable he was acting. "Stop laughing; it hurt." Harry couldn't help but laugh softly along with Louis.

"Okay, I'm sorry," Louis said and held up his hands in the air while trying to stifle his laughter. "Here, gimme." Louis gestured to Harry's hand. Harry reached over the table, and Louis grabbed his hand with his own and kissed the finger that turned a bit pink. "All better?"

Harry really started laughing this time. "You're a dork. But, yes, all better," Harry ended sheepishly.

"I'm the dork?!" Louis asked with surprise leaking through his voice. "Look what you just did!" Louis couldn't help but start laughing again.

Harry continued to laugh with Louis. "Fine. I'll compromise and say we're both dorks."

Louis rolled his eyes at his boyfriend. "We're each other's dorks." And Harry rolled his eyes. This time it was Louis who grabbed a slice and approved of the temperature before Harry tried grabbing one. This time it was successful, so they both enjoyed their pizza in silence.

^^^^^

When they had reached Harry's apartment, Louis decided to come inside this time. It made him kind of excited to see what the night would bring, not that he thought anything serious would come from it.

Harry set up his laptop and connected it to the TV he had right in front of his couch. He pulled up Netflix and asked Louis what he wanted to watch. And, come on, Louis wasn't in the mood for just Netflix. He would be though if that led to something else.

Harry grabbed his duvet from his bed before he sat down. They quickly settled down next to each other, cuddled and comfortable. Louis really appreciated the fact that Harry was allowing himself to lose even this tiny bit of control and trusting Louis to respect him. It felt like a lot but in a good way. Louis also appreciated the fact that Harry's duvet was pink. Harry was just so adorable that Louis couldn't help but fond over the boy as he pulled him closer. Louis turned back to the TV and saw that Harry had put on some random Netflix original movie that was probably going to end up being really bad. Maybe they did have similar ideas.

About twenty minutes into the movie, that thought was confirmed because Harry turned his head and was now sucking on Louis' neck, and he was in absolute heaven. He experimented across his neck, trying to find out which part got the most reaction. Louis could feel Harry smirk as soon as he let out a small moan when Harry got to the front of his throat, near his Adam's apple. It made him wonder where Harry got this from because he always seemed so shy and innocent. Maybe there was a whole side to Harry he had no idea about.

Harry finally moved up to kiss Louis who was quick to dominate over the kiss and push his tongue inside Harry's mouth who yelped in surprise but quickly recovered. With the duvet being long forgotten on the floor (much good that did), Harry wrapped his arms around Louis' neck and pulled them down to where Louis laid on top of him. Harry slid his hands down Louis' until they rested on the small of his back. Louis placed a hand in Harry's hair and used the other to prop himself up, along with a knee in between Harry's thighs.

For a few more minutes, they explored each others' mouths, licking every part until they were sure they had it memorized. Harry twitched downwards on the couch, and Louis didn't realize why until he felt his crotch right up his knee. He started grinding down more with little breathy moans, and Louis felt slightly entranced because of how hot this felt. But not fully entranced.

"Wait, wait, Harry," he quickly said, and Harry stopped all movements immediately. "I have work in the morning." Louis didn't look at Harry while he spoke, but he still got the message. The only reason Louis didn't look at Harry was because he knew that he'd be in for it.

"Oh, okay. That's fine." Louis was glad that Harry didn't try to apologize. And that he didn't try either. "Are you heading out then?" Harry asked after a few moments of silence. It slightly startled Louis, causing him to look down at the boy still laying down on the couch. Yup, this was why he didn't look before. Harry's already plump lips were even more swollen and red as they were slightly parted since he was still trying to catch his breath. His curls were laying everywhere, even hanging off the side of the couch, and Louis just wanted to wrap his fingers in them again. And, fuck, his pupils were so blown, the green in his eyes were almost nonexistent. The quietness of the situation made him realize that the TV was still playing, but he didn't really care.

Louis dived down again to meet Harry lips. It only took a few moments for Harry to start moving his hips again against Louis' thigh, almost like it was primal nature taking over. Louis shifted himself back, effectively halting Harry's movements, which gained him a little whine, and the only thing Louis thought in that moment was how beautiful and hot that sound was. He almost wanted to hear that sound again. Almost. As he shifted downwards, he attached himself to Harry's neck who was quick to tangle his fingers in Louis' hair. It took almost no time for Louis to find that sweet spot, right under the corner of his jawline, because his moans got heavier the closer he got. Like a game of hot and cold. He sucked the skin into his mouth, most likely leaving a small bruise. As he was doing so, Harry rutted up into the air. Horny Harry was Desperate Harry, and it was hot.

Louis kept moving down until he hit Harry's collarbone which just barely poked out of his shirt. He ran his tongue along them a couple of times before completely stopping to lean up and peel his shirt off. Harry also quickly sat up and tore off his shirt, after pulling at a few buttons.

The quick pause allowed Louis to evaluate how this may not be the best of ideas, but there wasn't really much care that followed that. But he did want to make sure that they were on the same page. Louis was really just hoping for a couple quick handjobs, maybe a blowjob. And he hoped that Harry wanted the same. "We aren't going all the way, right?" he asked, even though that question was always awkward, but it needed to be asked. He looked down at Harry who was transfixed by Louis' tattoos that he never mentioned. Oh, yeah.

As soon as Harry registered what Louis said, he looked back up. He suddenly looked like he was thinking really hard, maybe trying to figure out how to answer that without killing the vibe. "Erm, no. Maybe just..." Harry trailed off palmed his hand against Louis' clothed crotch. Louis nodded quickly because he definitely got the message.

"You're sure?" Louis asked.

"Yeah, yes, very yes," Harry answered and palmed Louis more desperately.

"You're clean? I am," Louis said because he was hinting at the fact that he wanted to give Harry a blowjob.

"Yes, clean." Harry rolled his eyes, wanting to get going.

"Okay, okay, cheeky thing," Louis teased as he traveled back up to kiss Harry who had laid back down. Harry whined into Louis' mouth as soon as he touched Harry's crotch. Louis could feel the outline of Harry's cock in his jeans and started to sweat. Harry's chest was already glistening with it, and Louis just wanted to run his tongue all over it. He caught eyes with the large butterfly tattoo he had forgotten about (he only lightly took note of it before their first date).

Louis started to kiss and run his tongue all over it and, suddenly, butterflies were his new favorite thing. "Fuck, I've always, ugh, hated that thing," Harry breathed out between moans.

Louis dug his fingertips into Harry's hips as his lips traveled up his chest, catching the saltiness of Harry's sweat. "Really?" Harry nodded, a bit desperately. "I think it's hot," he said and ran his other hand's fingers down Harry's chest, leaving goosebumps in their trail. He stopped when he got to the tattoo and lightly traced the outline of it when he suddenly his eyes got stuck on something else. He was surprised that he didn't notice before. "Four nipples?"

Harry laughed a bit. "Mum says I absorbed my twin in the womb." Louis just laughed lightly because that was so unsexy, but it somehow worked.

"The more the merrier," Louis said as he got curious and took one of Harry's real nipples into his mouth, eliciting a loud moan. He took one of the smaller ones into his mouth, realizing that it didn't give Harry the same reaction, but he still thought of it as entertaining. He sucked on the other real one for a moment before heading back down to Harry's jeans. Louis popped the button out and slid down the zipper. Before pulling down his jeans all the way, he mouthed on Harry's cock, still covered by cotton. Harry immediately jerked his hips up, and all Louis could do was smirk.

"Fuck, who would've known you would be such a tease," Harry said and jerked his hips up again. Louis laughed a bit and decided to maybe get along with this.

He pulled his jeans down all the way as Harry reached for the button on Louis'. Finally, they were both only in their briefs. Louis moved to where their crotches lined up and stretched his neck to kiss Harry again (who also leaned down because he was so much damn taller). Their kiss was messy, and it was probably because of the fact that they both had gotten so flustered from their crotches being so close together (or maybe it was because this was their first time doing this). Louis swivelled his hips down, and Harry did the same (but up), so they met in the middle. "Harry, fuck," Louis moaned out into Harry's mouth who gladly swallowed down the noise. Pleasure raked through each other their bodies as their hips met again and again. Louis felt like a teenager again as he was beginning to feel a familiar pool in the bottom of his tummy that just barely made itself present. Harry jerked up, and Louis had to avoid him if he wanted to last much longer.

Louis placed a hand on Harry's hip, effectively stilling him but caused him to furrow his brows together. He leaned up and kissed Harry again, slower this time, sweeter. Louis kissed down the center line of his chest and then made his way in between Harry's barely there abs. When he reached Harry's briefs, he lightly palmed over them, causing Harry to moan and throw his head back against the side of the couch. "Ow, fuck," Harry slipped out which caused Louis to look up at him with a laugh because this whole thing was new and awkward but so, so hot.

"Scoot up for me, love," Louis suggested, so Harry wouldn't continue to hurt himself. As soon as he was situated, Louis palmed him again (and Harry made that whining sound again that instantly went to Louis' cock causing it to twitch). He could feel how hard Harry was, and Louis was sure that it must be starting to hurt. Feeling a bit of pity (not that this cock was in any different state), he slid Harry's briefs down and threw them off the side of the couch. As soon as his cock got a breath of air, it twitched upwards towards Harry's tummy.

Louis immediately reached out for the tip to spread precome around to slide easier. Harry let out an even louder moan accompanied by a stream of fucks. Louis was a little immersed in the moment because he may have figured that Harry was going to have a bigger dick because of how tall he was, but he really wasn't expecting this. He was just kinda glad he was the top at the moment because it looked like it would hurt.

Louis reached up to meet his hand with his mouth to spit, giving a little bit more glide. Harry bucked up his hips when Louis' hand returned. "Louis, fuck," Harry said, a bit unable to control his hips. Harry looked desperate as he hid his face in the crook of his elbow, so Louis stopped causing Harry's chest to heave up and down. "Ugh," he let out. Once he caught his breath more, he reached out to take Louis' briefs off who stood up to get them past his knees.

Harry roughly grabbed Louis' cock as soon as he could, making Louis release a groan. "Oh my god, Harry." He started to pump his fist really fast, and Louis could no longer control the noises coming from his mouth. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

Louis came to his senses a bit wrapped his lips around Harry who got a bit flustered but quickly picked his movements back up. They were in an awkward position, but neither of them cared too much. Louis swivelled his tongue around Harry's slit which gained him a, "Fuck. Louis, I'm close." He took his mouth away earning him another whine that again went straight to his dick. Louis started pumping his hand at a similar pace to Harry's, and Louis moved as much as he could to where their mouths were touching again. It was too hard for them to kiss (as much as they wanted) because of their desperate moans filling the space.

Soon, Harry's breathing almost seemed to stop as he couldn't help but stop his movements on Louis' cock and let out a very loud moan. Come squirted out of Harry's cock, leaving it to rest on Harry's tummy and chest as Louis stroked him through his orgasm. When he came back to his senses a bit, he took hold of Louis' dick again and pumped him fast until Louis squirted come all over Harry's chest since he was still upright. Louis came with a loud moan as he collapsed his upper body next to Harry's on the couch. "Fuck." Louis wiped his forehead as he came down from his high.

"Fuck, is right," Harry laughed.

After a few more moments of needing to calm down, Louis kissed the top of Harry's head and asked, "Where are the towels?"

Harry thought for a moment. "Under the sink in the bathroom." Louis weakly stood up on his feet and seemingly waddled over to the bathroom.

When he came back, there was a dampened towel in his hand that he used to wipe the come off of Harry who smiled in thanks. "At least in didn't get on the couch. That would've been a pain to clean." Harry laughed at his comment. "I would stay over, but I have work in the morning," Louis said quietly when he was knelt down by Harry's face.

Harry smiled and said, "That's okay." Louis kissed him in response. Harry stood up from the couch to put his briefs back on. And Louis did the same. They were both a little disappointed that Louis was leaving so quickly after, and Louis supposed it was a bit of a dick move, but the experience was so worth it.

"I'll see you soon?" Louis asked as he stood on his toes to kiss Harry again. It was a longer kiss, savoring each other for the night they won't see each other.

Harry nodded. "Text me when you get back." It was night, and this was Brooklyn.

"I will. Goodnight, love," Louis said sweetly as he pecked Harry's lips once more before disappearing out the door.

That night, once Harry had showered and cleaned up a bit, he looked at his phone to see that he had gotten a text from Louis, the one he had been expecting.

Maybe this all would be okay.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> niall comes to visit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone, i'm so sorry that i wasn't able to update yesterday. this past week i've been super busy with moving into an apartment for college, so i've been stressed. class starts tomorrow so wish me luck! anyways, here's the next chapter. thank you for waiting, and i hope you enjoy! as always, kudos, comments, and constructive criticism are welcome! all the love, cassidy.

Harry had been in New York for about a month now. He has loved almost every second of it. There were definitely ups and downs, but, for the most part, being able to say that he was where he'd always dreamed of being, was amazing. And Harry was really proud of himself for being here and surviving here.

The only slight problem he had was the fact that the only person he actually knew in New York was Louis. Harry sometimes questioned if Louis was deterring him from that, or if Harry was just seriously unable to make any relationships. Granted, he didn't have any in college, so even having Louis was a step up.

"Louis," Harry said, dragging out the 'e' sound, "stop. I have to go." Currently, they were both at Harry's apartment on the couch, and Louis was attached to Harry's neck.

Louis finally pulled back and breathed. "Fine, fine. Go pick up your friend and leave me alone, fine." Louis pouted but Harry knew he was joking, so he pecked Louis' lips before standing and heading to the door. Louis followed him to the door because Louis was on strict orders, by Harry, to not meet Niall right away. He felt a little wary about him not being able to meet one of Harry's friends, but he couldn't do much, and he didn't want to start any fights because he's learned that Harry is definitely stubborn. Harry didn't even explain why they couldn't meet; he was just told that he couldn't.

As Louis walked back to his apartment, he thought about their relationship. They were definitely in the honeymoon stage, there was no doubt about that. They've practically spent every waking moment with each other in the week they've been dating. All it took for Louis to smile was to think about Harry. It was that easy.

^^^^^

"Zayn! I'm home!" Louis called into the apartment, not caring if Zayn actually heard him or not.

Alas, Zayn came out of his studio space and made it clear that he wanted to talk to Louis by walking towards him and starting at his friend. "We need to talk," Zayn said, seriousness etched all over his face.

Louis was confused, yet intimidated. "What's up?" he said while trying to conceal his voice crack. 

Zayn started speaking as soon as they both sat on the couch. "I need my own space; the studio room is just getting too small for what I need to do, art wise."

Louis furrowed his eyebrows. "And that means?"

"I'm moving out."

"What?" Louis asked with concern in his voice even though he knew what Zayn was saying. "When?"

Zayn sighed. "It won't be for a while cause I still need to figure out where to move, but in a couple months or weeks even, not sure yet."

The first question that entered Louis' mind wasn't about Zayn, it was about how was he supposed to pay his own rent alone. "Well, that's good to hear. I'm happy for you."

Zayn gave a slight smile at the tone in Louis' voice. "I'll help you find a new roommate."

Louis shook his head. "No, no; it's fine. I'm able to do it. Besides, I don't trust your judgement."

Zayn laughed and hit Louis on the shoulder before standing and heading back to his room. "You could always just move in with Harry!" he shouted from the room.

"Shut up, will ya!" Louis would have thrown a pillow at him if he was still in the room.

^^^^^

"Niall!" Harry yelled getting practically the whole airport's attention as soon as he saw Niall coming down the escalator. Niall saw the boy and smiled widely as he waved. Although not the longest time they've ever spent apart, definitely the furthest. "I've missed you so much!" They embraced each other tightly.

"I didn't know you were meeting me here, mate," Niall said as soon as they separated. "But, what? No roses? Romantic gift?"

Harry laughed and hit Niall on the arm. "I should be enough for you."

As they started walking towards the exit of the airport, Niall finally asked what he'd been dying to ask the entire time on the plane. "So, what about this new boy toy of yours?"

Harry rolled his eyes at Niall's name for Louis. "He's not a boy toy; we're in a relationship, and his name is Louis."

"Blah, blah... When am I meeting him?"

Harry skipped a bit in his step as he answered, "You're not." He still held a glamorous smile on his face.

Niall groaned because he had a feeling Harry would do this. Harry was always so careful about everything in his life that it was almost too controlling. Niall knew that Harry had good judgement, but, at times, his heart was too good. He was also really bad at giving updates about his life, so he felt like he didn't know much about Harry. "Oh, c'mon, you can't do that to a guy, Harry," Niall responded as they walked out the doors of the airport. "New York, New York!" he shouted, gaining people's attention as Harry hit him in the arm. "I feel like I was expecting a limo or summat."

Harry had to laugh at Niall's comment because, in reality, that's what everyone expects when they come to New York. "Okay, if you promise to behave, then you can meet Louis." Harry knew that even if Niall made this promise, it wouldn't actually happen, but a guy could hope.

"I'm always on my best behavior; I don't know what you're talking about," he said as he threw his luggage in the trunk of the Uber. Harry nodded sarcastically at that comment. "But, fine, I promise."

When they got back to Harry's apartment, Niall immediately plopped down onto Harry's couch. "Nice apartment," Niall mumbled as he gave Harry a half-hearted thumbs-up.

Harry pulled out his phone as he sat in the chair, deciding he would let Niall rest for a few minutes. He noticed he had a text from Louis.

Louis

Got home safe :)

Harry absolutely loved how Louis has gotten into the habit of texting Harry when he gets home safe. Especially since this is New York, and who knows what could happen at night when someone's walking alone. So, Harry gave Louis a couple hearts in response.

Harry scrolled through his phone a bit longer before getting Niall's attention. "Ni, are you hungry?"

He groaned a bit before flipping over to where he was facing Harry. "I could eat, yeah."

"How about takeaway?"

"Chinese, please," Niall said practically mumbling into the cushion. Harry chuckled at his friend's actions, knowing that by tomorrow, he'll be up and ready to party.

After he had ordered dinner for the both of them, he set up his laptop in the living room and started playing some comedy on Netflix. At this Niall finally sat up while complaining about how tired he was.

"You're the one who booked a flight that was so late," Harry pointed out tilting his head. Niall stuck his tongue out at Harry. "But, since I'm such a good friend, I'll make you some coffee."

"With some cream and sugar!" Niall yelled to Harry when he was walking to the kitchen.

Niall could hear the coffee splashing into the mug when Harry's doorbell rang. "Go ahead and get it Ni, it should just be the food!" Harry spoke from the kitchen as Niall stood up to answer the door.

When Niall opened the door, all he heard was someone blabbering. "Sorry, babe. I know I'm not supposed to be here. Oh." The door had finally opened to reveal a shorter man with feathery hair. "Erm, you must be Niall." As soon as Harry heard Louis' voice, he was sprinting to the door, ready to shoo him out. "Harry, hi, I know, sorry, but I forgot my charger, and I kinda need it, and you weren't answering your phone."

Harry resisted the very strong urge he had to roll his eyes, but when he checked his phone, he saw that Louis actually had texted him a few times. "Fine, come in." Louis could hear in his boyfriend's voice how mad he was. "Niall, this is Louis. Louis, this is Niall." Louis smiled because Harry never forgot his manners.

"Nice to finally meet you, Louis," Niall said holding out his hand for Louis to shake.

Louis took his hand. "You as well. Irish, huh?" he asked as he crouched down to unplug his charger from the wall but maintaining eye contact with Niall.

Niall nodded. He could feel the awkwardness in the air because of Harry's attitude. Harry was indeed a control freak. And Niall meant that in the nicest way possible. "I went to school in England though; that's how we met."

Louis stood back up. "I remember Harry telling me something about that, yeah." Louis glanced to Harry with an underlying glare which made Harry look away guiltily. "Well, Niall, it was nice meeting you, but I should go."

Before Harry could say anything, Niall was quick to intercede, "Why don't you stay? We're just having a night in." Niall looked over at Harry when he finished, and he really looked like he wanted to slap someone.

Louis smiled at Niall knowing exactly what he was doing. "As long as Harry doesn't mind." He smirked.

The youngest cleared his throat before speaking. "Yeah, course not." Harry smiled with a slight glare in his eyes. This was not how Harry planned them meeting. This whole situation that Harry was stuck in, he did not like at all. It was quite annoying to Harry that neither of them wanted to respect his wishes. He was almost scared at what could happen tonight with the two of them together. It wasn't that Harry thought something world ending would happen, but it was more about the control that he craved and felt he couldn't live without.

There was another knock at the door, and Niall offered to answer the door, figuring that it was actually the food this time. Louis immediately moved himself to tuck under Harry's arm because he did feel bad. Only a little though. Harry wrapped his arm around the smaller boy even though he was mad. "Sorry, babe."

Harry couldn't help but smile fondly at Louis. "I'm sure you are." He leaned down to kiss Louis. It was short and sweet but enough to convey that he wasn't too mad.

"Gross," Niall said as he walked past them and into the kitchen.

"We could make out if you'd like?" Louis said as they followed Niall.

Niall playfully glared at his friend's boyfriend. "I'd have to think about that one," Niall responded causing the two to laugh. He pulled out two boxes of Chinese food from the bag. "Which one is yours?" Niall asked Harry since he had no idea what his friend ordered for them.

"The one without meat is mine."

Niall opened the two boxes and looked into them, confused. "Unless I don't know what chicken looks like in America, they both have chicken."

Louis saw the chance and took it. "Don't worry, babe, I'll eat your meat." The group paused for a moment to fully understand what Louis had said. Harry's face soon turned beat red, and Niall made a gagging notion. Louis just smiled proudly.

Harry finally recovered from hearing that comment. "I don't think you deserve my meat after that." Harry gave Louis a sassy look while Niall burst out laughing.

Louis threw his hands up in the air. "Fine, I see how it is." He stomped back into the living room.

While Harry couldn't stop laughing he managed to say, "Babe, wait, I actually don't want the chicken."

Louis came back with a pouty look on his face and ripped the box from Harry's hand. "I'm only taking it because I'm hungry," he said while stomping back to the couch.

The two friends followed Louis into the living room. Niall took the chair, and Harry sat next to Louis after pressing play on the laptop.

After laughing for a few moments at the comedian, Niall piped up and asked, "So, Harry, how's the book going along?" Harry finished his bite of noodles as he felt Louis stiffen next to him.

"It's good." Harry tried to remain short and to the point.

Niall nodded. "It's almost finished, right?" And it's almost like Niall knew that this was a touchy subject between the couple because Louis got up and grabbed their trash without saying a word.

Harry longingly watched Louis walk out of the room. "Um, yeah, just working on the last edits."

Niall could sense the atmosphere change. "Touchy subject?" he asked with a quiet voice, so that Louis couldn't hear them speak.

"Something like that, yeah,"

Niall's face looked tense. "Well, I'll just head to bed now."

Harry smiled at him. "Okay, goodnight. Let me know if you need anything." The two already had made arrangements for Niall to sleep in Harry's bed while he was there.

Harry stayed put on the couch even after Niall had left. He knew that if he walked into the kitchen, then he would have to talk to Louis. But he wasn't ready to have that conversation. Maybe he did just want to act like the whole problem didn't exist. He did know deep inside that it was his responsibility to talk to Louis about it. The book was something that was so inside of his heart that he was afraid to let Louis in.

On one side, he didn't want to go in the kitchen. On the other side, he didn't want Louis to come in here and have to bring up the topic himself. Harry knew that if he lingered too long, Louis would definitely come in here. If he was overdramatic, he would have said he was in a labyrinth. And Harry was overdramatic.

Despite Harry's legs shaking and his sweaty palms, because, wow, he was actually going to have a conversation, he stood up from the couch and walked into the kitchen where he saw Louis sitting in the chair at the table while starting out the window. Harry was met with his first decision. Sit next to him or across from him? He stood behind Louis for a few moments before going with next to him to maybe seem...softer?

As soon as Harry sat down, Louis spoke up, "Why don't you talk to me, love?"

And, okay, that was a lot gentler than Harry thought. Harry mentally sighed and said the first thing that came to mind, "I'm sorry." His voice was quiet as if he was afraid of it.

Louis chuckled lightly before hanging his head low. "Why do I even bother?"

Harry opened his mouth but closed it, expecting anything but that. It made him feel small, and he didn't like that. Not to mention he didn't like the idea of being without Louis.

"I'm scared," Harry said suddenly, making Louis snap his head up and look at Harry.

The older of the two furrowed his eyebrows together. "Scared of what, Harry? Me?" Louis almost looked offended and scared at the thought of that.

Harry was quick this time. "No, of course not."

"Then what're you afraid of, Harry?" Louis' voice had gone back to being serious.

Harry thought for a moment about what he should say. "I'm scared that you'll be scared of me when you find out what it's about." Harry sighed when he finished. Laying out his thoughts in the simplest manner scared him to death, and his hands began to shake.

"Harry, this isn't just about the book. At this point, it's about you and me. You never talk to me, and, honestly, I don't know who you are, Harry. I want to know everything about you like what foods you can't stand or what makes you tick. All I know is that your favorite painting is Café Terrace at Night."

"That's practically all I know about you, too."

Harry knew that that statement was probably the wrong one to say, but he wasn't expecting Louis to say what he said, "Because why would I trust someone who doesn't trust me?" Harry was silent.

Louis stood up and grabbed his things. "Louis, please," Harry pleaded, tears forming in his eyes as he watched Louis walk to the door.

Louis stopped at the door and turned around to face Harry. "Talk to me when you're ready to have a mature relationship."

"So we're done, and you're breaking up with me?" Harry took a while to finish what he was saying because he was fighting the tears that threatened to fall while ignoring the pain in his throat. Louis' eyes softened at the sight of Harry trying to fight his emotions, but, ultimately, he didn't know the guy standing in front of him. He dived in and felt the cold all at once; it having no mercy on him.

"You know, Harry, I really don't think we were together in the first place." Louis walked out the apartment without another word, causing Harry's threatening tears to finally fall.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they have a night out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, sorry for the late update; this weekend has a been a bit hectic, but hopefully this won't happen again. anyways, thank you for reading, and i hope you enjoy this next chapter! kudos, comments, and constructive criticism are always welcome! all the love, cassidy.

Harry knew he had gotten attached. His heart knew he had gotten attached. His body knew he had gotten attached. His entire being knew it. It had been only two weeks, but it was as if Harry's whole life already depended on Louis. As Harry stood staring at the white door in front of him, he knew that his rock was gone. Harry felt frozen as he continued to stare at the empty space in front of him.

Niall had heard the door close, the whisper-yells from the both of them. Harry figured it, too. That made the whole thing not only hurt, but it made him feel embarrassed. Embarrassed that he wasn't mature enough to have a relationship. Embarrassed that he couldn't express the way humans did.

Harry felt a hand on his back, instantly knowing who it was. The hand began to move up and down. Harry could say that he needed the comfort, but, to be quite honest, he wished the hand wasn't there. He wished that he couldn't feel the fingertips on the outside of his shirt. It just reminded him of the fact that he just lost the person he relied on the most.

"Why don't we go sit down?" Niall asked softly behind Harry's back. It was almost a whisper, almost too soft to hear. And Harry had almost missed it because the sound echoed in his brain like his ears were traumatized from a loud noise. He still followed the soft push on his back to lead him to his bedroom where he was coerced into getting into his bed. The soft pink fabric around him felt comforting; it reminded him of the last time he was here and nothing had gone wrong yet. "Do you wanna talk 'bout it?" Niall asked, surprising Harry out of his trance.

He made eye contact with Niall. Suddenly he was reminded of how he was acting. Like he had just lost someone he'd been with for years, not someone who he's known for a month. "I don't know what either of us would say."

A smirk formed on Niall's lips. "I could say that he's a dick for doing that."

Harry's facial expression copied Niall's. "I know he's not though; I completely understand why he did it."

"He still hurt you," Niall said while sitting down on the edge of the bed, facing Harry.

Harry shook his head. He did hurt; he hurt a lot. But he had some kind of duty to protect Louis. Some kind of need to keep Louis' words to himself, even though Niall had already had shared custody of them.

"You're gonna tell me that you're not hurting right now?" It was Niall's turn to shake his head as he couldn't believe that Harry was actually trying to protect Louis right now. But it was Harry, of course he was going to do this. Of course he was going to act like he didn't feel anything. Harry just stared at Niall, hoping that an answer might come to him, but one never did. "Okay, why don't we go out tomorrow night?"

Harry slowly nodded. "Yeah, that sounds good." Niall patted him on the shoulder before laying back down in the bed. A few moments went by before Harry said anything. "I know he's right, Niall. Everyone around me knows it. I don't tell anyone anything."

Niall's ears perked up at the sound of Harry's honesty, something he so rarely heard. He internally sighed, not knowing how to respond to something like that, so he went in another direction. "How long were you guys together?"

"Two weeks," Harry responded without thinking.

"That's what I'm talking about, Harry. That's why I'm saying he shouldn't have said that to you. You guys aren't supposed to know everything about each other. That's the thing about being in a new relationship...part of what makes it fun. You guys are constantly finding out new things about each other. He should've wanted to talk it out with you instead of just leaving." Harry took in his friend's words. Maybe he was right. "But, the part about you not sharing anything, he is right. You don't tell us anything. Your mum doesn't even know you're in a relationship, Harry, but he shouldn't have left like that."

All of the words that were said to him were bouncing around in his head, and he was trying to make sense of all of it, but all of it was just too much to think about at once.

"I do really like him, and he did leave us getting back together open if I figure this all out. So maybe if I do figure myself out, then we could get back together." Harry was more talking to himself than Niall. His eyes were trained down on his hands the whole time, and he spoke as if there was something in front of his mouth.

"And only you can figure that out, Harry." He was the only one who could delve deep into himself to find out what was wrong. They both knew that that was the end of the conversation. "Did you wanna sleep with me tonight?" Niall knew that the offer wasn't empty, but he did know that the other side of the bed would be empty.

Harry shook his head and stood up. "No, I'll be fine on the couch. Goodnight."

"Okay, goodnight." Niall watched as his friend turned the corner of the room, so that he was out of site.

Harry couldn't help but stop and stare out the window that was situated by the seating area. Most of the view consisted of the building next to his, but out of the corner, he could see the lights coming from the city, reminding him why he came here in the first place, almost taunting him. He wanted to become a writer; he wanted to get his book published; he didn't come here for a relationship, but for some reason it had been the only thing on his mind. Staring out at the lights miles away from him reminded him that he should focus on what mattered the most.

He sighed to himself and walked out of the room, quietly closing the door behind him, not sure if Niall had already fallen asleep yet. He sat down at the kitchen table, set down his laptop, and turned it on. He was going to get some editing done but suddenly realized he had some bills to pay.

The chair squeaked at Harry stood up, going to one of the drawers in the closet where he put all his important papers. He sifted out all the bills he still had to pay and sat back down at the table. When his laptop had turned on, he went to his bank's website to see how much he had left in his account. He hadn't checked in quite a long time if he was being honest. "Fuck," was what Harry said as soon as he saw the amount. It wasn't enough to pay the bills he had laid out on the table. Harry's heart started beating what felt like a million times a minute. He didn't quite know what to do. This day just wasn't working out for him.

A few more moments of panic went by before Harry took a deep breath, allowing himself to calm down and think. He made a list in his mind of what he needed to do. First, he had to look for a job. He had relied so much on this whole book thing, but never really thought about how it would most likely not happen in a timely manner. He went to a few job websites to apply to anything he thought he could do, so he applied to those and hoped for the best. Maybe he should go to shops tomorrow to see if anyone was hiring. Next order of business was to call his mum and let her know the news. She was not going to be happy, but if he wanted to stay here any longer, that's what he was going to have to do. Harry looked at the time; it was midnight, so it would only be five in the morning over in England. He knew the stress of this situation would be too much to sleep, so Harry figured the only thing he could do was edit his book.

He was nearing the end of the editing process and hoping that there was nothing else left to do, and he could get this whole publishing process started.

Sometimes love just didn't work out. There was no basic equation that love followed. Simply, sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't. No one knew why it sometimes worked out, or why it sometimes didn't. It was unpredictable. That's what she was afraid of when she decided to do it. The control that love took from her was enough to set her off. She couldn't stand it. She couldn't control the love that controlled her. That's why she decided to do what she did. If they died as they were, they could be in love forever, because love had this fantastic way of fading no matter who tried to control it. It was all science. But a science that never stayed consistent.

Dying now meant dying as they were; frozen in time.

Harry stared for what felt like minutes at the words that flowed from his fingertips. He couldn't think of what else the character needed to express. That as an ending felt correct. It felt like the character worded was she needed to perfectly. There wasn't anything left to say. So maybe Harry internally rejoiced at the thought of his publisher approving the rewrite made to the book. 

^^^^^

Harry looked at himself in the mirror while tying the piece of fabric around his neck. He wore his normal black jeans and brown boots with a yellow button up top. The top was unbuttoned halfway to make room for the black fabric loosely tied around his neck. He thought he did a mildly good job at dressing himself to go out to a club.

"You ready?" Harry called out to the air around his apartment hoping that Niall would hear him. He heard a bleak response, so it was obvious that he did. Harry called an Uber, even though doing so hurt every single part of him knowing that his bank account was diminishing by the second. Niall met him by the front door as Harry handed him the spare key. Niall raised his eyebrows at him. "Just in case." Harry simply shrugged.

"You planning on getting laid or what?" Niall asked as they walked to the elevator.

"I was thinking that you were," Harry said with more bite on his tongue than necessary. It wasn't the fact that Harry was planning on downing all of his troubles in more than one way tonight; it was just that if the opportunity happened to show itself, then he would go along. But that was only if. "Sorry. It's been a day." Niall sighed and simply patted him on the shoulder as they walked into the elevator. "I got the book done yesterday."

Niall turned to him in surprise. "Really, H? That's great! I'm glad to hear that! Drinks on me cause we're celebrating!" It must have been a real celebration because Niall always wants his free alcohol and as much of it as he could get.

^^^^^

At the club and after they had downed a few shots, Niall turned to Harry and said, "Anyone you got your eye on?" Because, yes, Harry had so subtly gotten Niall to agree to going to a gay bar. Even though agree is a strong word in this case, since Niall had no idea until they stepped inside. 

"No, not really!" Harry shouted over the loud music.

Niall downed another shot before saying, "I think that's exactly what you need, H. Some 'no strings attached' hookup to get yerself out of your thoughts." Harry looked at Niall in disbelief. It wasn't a surprise that Niall's cheeks had turned a rosy red that Harry could see even in the dim lights of the club.

If Niall wanted to play that game, that was cool with him. "Do you see anybody then?"

The question hadn't exactly registered properly in Niall's head. "Just because I'm at a gay bar, doesn't mean that I'm going toー"

Harry's laughing cut him off. "No, that's not what I meant, dummy. Do you see anyone for me?"

Niall's face contorted into understanding. He took a sip of his drink and looked around. "Okay, let's see." He searched for a few moments before landing eyes on a guy. "Him, over there." Niall pointed to a guy standing amongst a group of people, but he somehow seemed a little out of the loop.

Harry smirked because this was one of his favorite drunk games. "Okay, his name is Brett. He's a classic frat boy who never learned how to grow out of that persona." Harry took a sip from the straw of his drink.

Niall made a face coated in disagreement. "No, definitely not. His name is Matt."

"Brett and Matt, same difference." Harry rolled his eyes.

Niall wagged his finger in the air. "No way. Bretts are full of themselves, but Matts know how to treat other people. This Matt though, I bet he's shy; doesn't fit in with the crowd, kinda weird. Exactly your type."

"Oi, fuck off, mate." Harry stared at the guy ahead of him as if he was daring to make eye contact. With the supposed information gathered, Harry got another drink from the bartender. "I'll see you tomorrow, Niall. Don't forget to text me!"

"Same goes to you!" Niall called as Harry sauntered away to the guy. Niall got the bartender's attention so that he could pay for the drinks. He only wanted to go out to get Harry's mind off of things which he managed to do himself, so Niall was ready to go back to Harry's apartment. He'll be ready to go as soon as he knows that Harry was safe.

Like the good friend he was, he watched Harry and the new guy from afar, observing them just to make sure he wasn't some creep. Harry's body language revealed that he was warming up to the guy. Niall watched as Harry pulled out his phone. A few moments later Niall received a text that revealed the mystery man's name: Cody. After all, they were rarely right. Along with that, he had included a couple emojis: a merman and an eggplant because tipsy Harry was definitely something. Throughout their friendship, they've got out to clubs a number of times, so eventually they created an emoji morse code with one another. Some meant that the other person was safe; some meant that the person needed to get out right away; others meant somewhere in between. But bottom line, they were always there for one another. In this case, Harry was perfectly fine, so Niall left the club and called the first taxi he saw.

^^^^^

It wasn't that Harry felt lonely or that he felt empty inside because of his recent breakup. Okay, maybe it was a little that, if he was being honest. But, it was mostly Harry just needing to...get his mind off things and forget that life exists for a little while.

"Why don't we go dance?" Harry whispered into the man's ear, not forgetting a little bit of seduction in his voice.

"Yeah, I'm down," the guy responded. In the short amount of time that they've known each other, Harry learned that the guy was on vacation and from California which was an easy guess by the amount of "dudes" thrown around.

Harry led him to the middle of the dancefloor where he immediately wrapped his arms around the neck of the guy he just met. They swayed for a few moments, letting their bodies sync with the music. It always took a couple seconds before hearts and minds registered the beat of the music and started to sync with it. The taller man placed his hands on Harry's hips, almost as if he wasn't sure what to do with them. It would have made the whole situation a bit awkward if it wasn't for Harry being so determined.

So maybe Harry had to take a little initiative here. Harry leaned up and whispered in his ear, "A little lower." He hesitated a first, but eventually his hands found themselves trailing lower. The guy even included a bit of kneading, so maybe he was getting more comfortable.

The bass became louder in their chests, so eventually their crotches started grinding closer together. Harry quickly did a 180° and started grinding back. He leaned back against the other guy's chest. Momentarily, Harry had to admit to himself that he had forgotten what his name was. Wrapping his arm around the back of the his neck, Harry heard a small grunt from the other man. Sweat began littering their exposed skin making them gleam under the neon lights. The supposed frat boy grabbed Harry's hair and lightly pulled making him lean to the left, leaving his neck exposed. Chad, his name was Chad. He began sucking marks on Harry's porcelain skin as Harry's fingers tangled in his hair.

Harry continued to grind back, his hips staying at a consistent pace, but the guy behind was starting to get sloppy, his movements getting more choppy as each second went by. The shorter one spun around and pressed their crotches together as he collided his lips with the lips of the other guy. They messily kissed for a few moments before Harry pulled back and said, "Why don't we get out of here?" The guy pulled back, wide-eyed, as if this situation had never happened to him.

The guy nodded as he took Harry's hand and stepped back admiring the man that was in front of him. "That accent makes you even hotter."

Harry wasn't pleased with that. "Same to you, but I don't like to be kept waiting." The guy frantically nodded and pulled Harry out of the doors of the club.

^^^^^

Niall woke up immediately when he heard the front door slam, disturbing him of his peaceful and much needed sleep. He reluctantly stood up and traveled into the living room where was Harry was lying face down on the couch. Niall came up and patted Harry's legs (which were still clothed the same as yesterday), signalling to lift them up; he did so, and Harry let his legs fall back down on top of Niall's.

"Did you make it out alive?"

Harry grunted in response causing Niall to chuckle. "Does it look like I'm alive?" he asked rhetorically against the pillows of the couch. Harry sat up and looked at Niall's face. "Don't answer that." He glared at Niall which only made him laugh harder.

Once Niall had calmed down, he rubbed Harry's head playfully and stood up. "Want breakfast?"

Harry looked confused for a quick moment. "Erm, I think I have eggs."

"I'll try not to burn them." Niall walked away to the kitchen where he started to make some noise.

Harry waited a few more moments until he got up from the couch. Well, he was given sweet relief from life for a few hours. He knew he needed it. The only problem was that it now comes back to him. He had already applied to a few jobs, and he was hoping that he would get a call back at some point. But, he hadn't called his mum yet. He guessed that it was now or never.

After a few rings, his mum answered the phone with a very chirpy voice which made Harry feel even worse. "Hey, mum."

"So nice to here from you, love. How's having Niall over?" she asked.

"It's great, really missed him. Can't wait until I can visit you guys."

Anne was silent for a few moments. "Honey, you know that we would visit if we could."

Harry found himself being entertained with the strings coming from the rip in his jeans. "I know," he whispered. "I need to ask you something, mum."

He heard his mum sigh into the phone. "Let me guess, you need money."

"Yeah. I'll pay you back as soon as you can," he rushed to say.

"I know you will. Just text me what you need, and I'll transfer the money."

Harry leaned his head on the couch. "Thank you so much. I love you." His mum repeated the words back to him before they hung up. He walked into the kitchen where Niall was just finishing up making some scrambled eggs. "You are amazing, Niall."

Niall winked at him. "I know. How was last night?"

Harry had to laugh under his breath. "Just your average hookup, I guess. I managed to get out before he woke up."

His friend looked at him with a straight face when he handed him a plate of eggs. "You don't normally do that, do you?" Niall was concerned.

He simply did not want to have this conversation right now, or ever. "Just wasn't feeling it." he shrugged, trying to deflect the answer from being anymore than it could be.

"Weren't you the one that said subtext exists everywhere?"

"Niall, stop."

Niall took a bite of his eggs before continuing. "I'm just saying that if you wanna talk, you can."

Harry forked his eggs around the plate. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk, it was more that he felt like he didn't want to overload on Niall with all of his problems. He already felt like shit for leaving him last night and to throw this on him too, Harry thought was more than enough. The sad part was that Niall would happily accept all of Harry's problems and would gladly do it. It just wasn't Niall's job to do that for him.

"I wouldn't even know what to say. I guess, I just have a lot going on right now, and I'm trying to enjoy the time with you, but everything just happened at once, and I don't know what to do," Harry finished looking down at his lap.

Niall started at him from across the table with a blank face. "Hey, you're one of the strongest and bravest people I know, and you will get through the Louis' thing and whatever else, I promise."

"Thanks, Niall."

"Now, you still have to take me to Times Square," Niall pointed an accusing finger at Harry.

^^^^^

The next few days went by too fast, but, soon enough, they were both standing at the entrance of Harry's apartment, ready to say goodbye. Niall tightly wrapped his arms around Harry. "Thank so much, mate, it was great seeing you."

Harry only held on tighter. "Thanks for coming. Have a safe flight and everything."

Niall pulled back and looked at Harry straight in the eyes. "I hope life starts treating you better."

Harry sighed. "Niall, we've had too many depressing conversations about me; we don't need another one."

Niall sighed, purposefully copying Harry, and crossed his arms. "Dang, then I guess I hope life gets shittier, mate." Harry couldn't stop a giggle.

Harry held up his arms in defense. "Okay, fine. Thank you.''

Niall pondered for a moment. "You're coming back home for Christmas, right?"

Harry nodded. "Yeah, planning on it. That's probably the next time I'll see you then."

"So, uh, six, seven months, damn. But it was really nice seeing you, even though you didn't take me to the Met."

The Met, right.

Harry pulled Niall in for another hug. "Love you, mate. I gotta go."

"Love you, too." Niall turned around walked out the door, letting Harry close it behind him.

Harry stood at the door for a few more moments before turning back to his bedroom. It was the first time he was alone since Niall had gotten there. He picked up his phone, and he went through some of his emails. One of the places he applied to had actually responded by asking for an interview. Thank Jesus. He applied to be a Veterinary Receptionist, something Harry had absolutely no experience for, but it was worth a shot. Harry responded to the interview saying that he was free the next day, so he could only cross his fingers now.

A few moments later, while he was halfway through changing the sheets, he heard a knock at the door. His immediate thought was that it was Niall who managed to forget something. But no. He opened it to meet his landlord.

"Harry! Nice to see you!" Harry started sweating.

"You, too," Harry only sounded confused because...he had a few days left to pay his rent?

"Sorry to barge in like this," he started even though he was still standing outside. "I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing? How you like the apartment and everything?"

His very big and jolly smile was staring at Harry, and he couldn't bring himself to look away. "Yeah, it's been great. Thanks for checking in." He couldn't help but be suspicious at the way that smile just never faltered. It just stayed. Exactly the same.

"Good to hear it. And I just wanted to remind you about the rent?" Yep, there it was. Harry's suspicion was right. The Santa Claus smile was gone.

"Right, my friend came to visit, so I've been a little busy, I was just gonna pay it right now," Harry said while pointing to the inside of his apartment. Why, he didn't know.

He nodded. "Glad to hear it." The smile was back. "Well, I'll leave you to it. Have a good day, Mr. Styles!"

Harry bid his goodbyes and shut the door. Turning around, he put his face in his hands and rubbed, feeling the very strong urge to scream. Someone should have told him that living on his own would have been this hard. He guessed it was his fault for not realizing it.

Once again, he sat down at his table in an attempt to actually pay the bills this time. After a few moments of checking his bank status, he did realize that he had enough to pay the bills, all thanks to his mum.

^^^^^

As soon as he was out of the interview, he had to call his mum. "Hey, mum, I just wanted to tell you hi and thanks for everything, and I got the job!" Harry rambled out before Anne could have a word in.

She was speechless for a few moments, taking in everything Harry told her. "That's great! I'm proud of you."

"Thanks, mum. I gotta go; I just wanted to let you know. Love you." Harry hung up before she could even respond. Harry was a little overjoyed at the thought of getting paid a whole eighteen dollars an hour.

And if that joy caused him to take the long way home (and if that way included passing Louis' work), then nobody had to know.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> harry caves in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so since school started, i keep forgetting to post on saturdays, so i'm probably going to switch to sunday updates, or even just weekends in general. so thanks for sticking with me! i hope you enjoy this next chapter (things are finally starting to kick up). make sure to leave kudos, comments, and constructive criticism because they're always welcome. all the love, cassidy

July 4th didn't make any sense to Harry. The fireworks, the barbecues, the strong sense of American pride in the air. Nope, didn't make any sense to him, and it probably never will. Pride for one's country just really didn't exist in England, at least not to this extent.

That night, it almost seemed like he had hidden in his apartment. The fireworks and the unbelievable amount of shouting put Harry on edge.

Not that any other night was any different (in regards to him hiding in his apartment).

He was lonely, fuck, was he lonely. The only human contact he ever got was his tri-weekly meetings at the publisher, and his every-once-in-a-while factimes with his family.

Oh, and also his therapy.

After a long talk with himself, he decided that he would grit his teeth and try to figure out where his trust and communication issues came from. No, he didn't have any family issues, so they simply came straight from himself.

Since Harry had no official diagnosis (and he was just there for self-help purposes), it was all out of pocket. Which spiralled Harry into not being able to pay for his apartment. Which spiralled him into having to practically live in a hotel room. Which spiralled him into spending money every single day. Which spiralled him into having next to no money.

There was only one idea he could think of.

(Other than living in a homeless shelter).

Louis.

He really, really did not want to go to Louis and beg for help, but he simply was out of options.

His landlord kicked him out because his paycheck didn't come in soon enough. He did have a job; it was just too late.

Harry fucking hated it. Practically hated life at the moment.

He'd been looking for an apartment, but now nobody will take him because his credit sucks (thanks to student loans and getting kicked out).

So, simply, Louis was his only option.

Actually, he was across the street from where Louis worked. He could see Louis taking orders from where he was sitting on a bench (hopefully, Louis couldn't see him). His thoughts were going back and forth. A bit like the pendulum Edgar Allan Poe wrote about. (It did also feel a bit like a life or death situation).

In the end though, there was no simple option.

He could just give up on the idea of Louis and live in a homeless shelter because he can't even afford one night longer in the hotel.

He could just admit defeat and talk to Louis about what was going on.

But.

That meant having to actually talk to Louis. And that could go two ways: (1) Louis thinks Harry wants to get back together and gets mad when he suggests needing a place to live, or (2) Louis feels sympathy and lets him stay at his apartment, albeit being extremely awkward.

Okay, it could go a lot more ways, but those are the ones wavering back and forth in Harry's mind.

As he was working up the courage to go in and fucking talk to Louis, he stood up, glancing once more at Louis to see that Louis was also staring at him. Great.

^^^^

"Have a nice day!" Louis told the customer as he handed him his premade pastry.

When he was out of hearing distance, Louis exclaimed, "Liam, this day could not go any slower!" Louis looked over to his coworker who now carried a smirk on his face. "What?" Liam was also making intense eye contact with something outside.

"Your day might be getting a lot more interesting, Tommo." Liam pointed over to the other side of the street where Louis saw a very familiar body. The hair looked different, though, it was shorter.

"Holy fuck. That's Harry." Louis continued to stare as the body stood and immediately looked over to Louis. Yup, they made eye contact. "Fan-fucking-tastic." Louis groaned, not knowing what was going to happen, yet, simultaneously, he became intrigued with the idea of Harry wanting to get back together. Louis did really miss the lanky boy, seemingly with his whole heart. He started to sweat as Harry crossed the street, halting the little traffic there was. "Liam, fuck, what do I do?" Louis sneered.

"Talk to him, mate. I'll cover you," Liam assured him even though work was the least of his worries at that current moment.

"Fuck, do I look okay?" He began straightening up his hair as if he actually cared. What was getting into him?

"You look fine." Liam now whispered since the bell on the door went off, and they both knew who it was. "Go talk to him."

Louis took a breath before turning around. Harry stood behind the cash register as if he was going to order something, reminding Louis of the first time he ever saw Harry (and how he wished he could go back in time and tell himself to not give up on this special boy). Harry looked good as ever; he wore a blue band tee (University of Margaritaville) and some black, loose fitting pants. But his hair is what stood out to Louis the most.

Louis looked up to Harry's eyes (he was still a decent distance away from him), to see that he was looking directly into Louis' eyes. That was only mildly intimidating due to Louis' nerves.

"Harry, your hair." Okay, Louis just said the first thing that came to mind, and it happened to be really stupid.

Harry giggled (giggled) and reached to run his fingers through it. Louis wanted to do the same. "Erm, yeah, I cut it a couple weeks ago." It was shorter (a lot shorter), and Louis loved it more than he thought he would. It was fluffy but still curly, and all he wanted to do was run his fingers through it. And why all of a sudden did Harry seem so confident, something he's never had the pleasure to see on him. But then Louis caught on to Harry's face, and his thoughts immediately disappeared. "Sorry to interrupt you at work, but can we talk?" Harry seemed to have gotten taller.

"Yeah, of course," Louis smiled. Harry immediately felt bad, because, yes, this was the first situation that played in his head when he sat across the street.

Louis walked around the corner after taking his apron off. Maybe to look like he wasn't an employee, Harry wasn't sure. Louis would have followed Harry to wherever he wanted to sit, but Harry waited at the corner and made a gesturing motion for Louis to go first. Seriously, where did this come from?

Louis sat down at a table that was further from a lot of customers, a little bit afraid of what was going to come during the conversation. Harry sat down after him, and Louis immediately wanted to swerve the conversation in the direction that he wanted. The younger boy was already sat forward in his seat with his hands resting on the table, so Louis gently rested one of his hands on top of Harry's before he said, "Harry, I really miss you." There was so much more he could have said, but he led with that.

But, Harry seemed to have a different idea with where the conversation was going as he pulled his hands back and placed them in his lap. Louis' heart immediately broke. "I...fuck, Louis, I miss you so much, too." Harry took a breath, and Louis could hear what word was coming next. "But." There it was. "I came to talk about something else. Well, something else and our relationship...if you're up for it, after you hear what I'm going to say." Immediately, Louis' brain started freaking out because for some reason the only thing Louis could think of was that Harry somehow came down with some life-threatening disease and didn't want to spend his last days alone. Yes, that was overdramatic, but his mind was doing flips.

"Okay," Louis barely whispered, and he wondered if Harry even heard him because he barely heard himself. Louis noticed that his hand was still pathetically resting on the table and slowly pulled back from Harry's bubble.

Harry rubbed his face in his hands, and all Louis could think about was Harry dying. He just looked so stressed. And now that he was really looking at Harry, he could see the tired bags under his eyes and the fact that his clothes were all ruffled and the fact that his hair didn't actually look like it had been touched in a few days. "I need a huge favor from you, Louis. You don't have to say yes, though, but at least think about it, please," Harry pleaded.

"Whatever you need, love." Harry's eyes snapped back to Louis' with the name, but it just slipped out.

Harry really didn't think this too far ahead. He didn't think about how to word it. "Look, I'm really close to getting my book published." Louis' attention span increased by another goldfish because, even though it had been over a whole month, this was still a sensitive topic. "And the whole process took a lot longer than I thought it would. And I have a job now, like, a proper one, but I got it too late, so I got kicked out."

"Of your apartment?" Louis asked, a little bit sad because he liked Harry's apartment.

Harry nodded before continuing. "Yeah. So, I've been staying in hotels for a while." Louis knew exactly where this was going and immediately pulled his whole body away from the table. Harry saw this and knew he was in for it.

"And now you don't have any money, so you're asking to live with me?" Louis was harsh about it, and he thought he had the right to be. Harry immediately looked up to the ceiling as if he was airing his eyes out. Louis could see tears building up, and it was clear that this was really hard for him to do. But still, Louis felt a bit offended and humiliated.

Harry squeezed the bottom of his palms against his eyes, trying to make the tears disappear. It really didn't work, though. "Louis, I'm really sorry," he began, his palms still rooted against his eyes, "I wouldn't be asking if I didn't need this. Need you, I guess. Fuck. I'm sorry. I should go." This was the Harry that Louis knew. Harry quickly composed himself and was about to stand when a soft hand touched his arm.

"Harry, stop. Sit down and let's talk." Harry thought he had never heard such amazing words in his life, even though it didn't confirm anything. He allowed himself to take a couple of deep breaths before looking back to Louis, as if telling him to continue. "If you don't mind me asking, where's your money going now if you don't spend it on an apartment?" For some reason, that was the major question in Louis' mind, and it was definitely intrusive. Harry understood the need for Louis to ask; it was some of his business now.

"Well, the obvious things like food, phone bill, student loans, and..." Harry even had to take a break before continuing. "I've been going to therapy, Louis." The older boy looked shell-shocked, to say the least. "But since I'm not diagnosed with anything, and it's not considered necessary, or something like that, so it's all out of pocket." Louis' face had changed from hard to soft, maybe even a little guilt mixed in there, too.

"America's healthcare system sucks, huh?" Louis laughed a bit because he needed a bit of humor to get him through whatever what was coming. Harry held a small smile on his face which satisfied Louis because hopefully a little bit of tension was gone. But, in reality, Louis didn't know which part to acknowledge first. Whether it was best to bring up the therapy or talk more about letting Harry live with him. "I guess that's a bit my fault there." Harry knew he saw guilt on Louis' face.

Harry shook his head before speaking. "No, not at all. I'm really thankful for you actually. Like allowing me to open my eyes and acknowledge that who I was needed help with...a lot, really."

Louis' eyes inquired further, but there was a bigger question. "Zayn moved out a couple weeks ago, and I've been looking for a new roommate," he said bluntly. Harry looked a bit confused, so Louis rolled his eyes. "I'd be a bit of a dick for saying that you couldn't move in with me when I have an extra room." Move in with me.

Harry looked like he didn't believe him. "Really?" Louis nodded. "I...I don't know what to say. Seriously, thank you so fucking much," Harry said from across the table, and Louis wished he could hug him. His excitement didn't quite reach his eyes the same way Louis was used to and that made his heart ache with almost a longing for something he didn't know how to cherish.

"It's fine, Harry." No, those were the wrong words. "I mean, I'd really be glad to let you live with me?" No, those weren't right either, but it got Harry to laugh. That always made it worth it. "Although, I do have to ask about the job. You know I'm gonna let you live with me no matter what, but how much do you make a month?"

"About $4,000 a month," Harry said bluntly. Louis thought how much that sucked, not as a paycheck, but the fact that he did make enough to probably live in his apartment, but it was too much too late.

"Okay, rent's only about $1,000 per month. Does that work?" Harry nodded. These questions truly didn't matter to Louis, but he asked them because he didn't want to sound as eager as he was. "Well, I guess we'll just deal with the paperwork stuff later, then. I have to go back to work." Harry nodded again, looking down at the table. Louis thought that Harry maybe wished for more of a conversation between the two about themselves, but that would come after the paperwork. "If you stay here, we could go back to the apartment together." It was getting later in the day, anyways. He had to catch himself before he told Harry that they could go back home together. Home with Harry.

The air dispersed into an aura of quiet before Harry spoke again. "Erm, yeah, I suppose that would be easiest." Louis smiled again before standing up from the table and walking back to his workspace.

Liam's eyebrows were raised as soon as he put his apron back on. "Later," Louis assured him. Now was not the time to speak about Harry whilst he was sitting a few feet away. Liam could probably read his face that Louis was not as happy as he would have expected him to be, so he knew something went wrong. 

^^^^^

Louis' boss allowed Harry to sit inside the shop while they were cleaning up before closing.

Harry seemed to manage that quite awkwardly.

Not that he did anything awkward, but the feeling of awkwardness made itself present around the shop.

After a few more moments, Louis snaked around the side of the table to get Harry's attention. "You ready?" Harry nodded. (Yet again. This guy really did have a thing for nodding). Louis observed the way Harry stood. "Harry," Louis started, halting his movements, "I don't want you to think of this as me doing a favor for you." He started walking before Harry got a chance to speak but prompting him to follow. When they were outside the shop, Louis continued, "I'm more than happy to do this, and, to be blunt, I think it can be a way for us to figure out our relationship, ya know? Maybe something like those three Greek fate ladies had something to do with it." Harry giggled a bit again, probably at Louis' stupidity.

Harry glanced at Louis. "The Greek fate ladies' names were Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos. And they all had different jobs. Clotho was in charge of spinning the thread of fate; Lachesis chose how long it was; Atropos cut it. They determined the death of somebody."

"Well, that's a bit dark, don't you think?" Louis laughed it off. "I know you have a thing for allusions, so I've been trying to learn some, so I've been reading about myths, Bible stories, people, Shakespeare..." He didn't say it to make it sound romantic, and he didn't think it came off that way either. Encouraging honesty was the only goal, something Harry has never exactly strived for, but maybe if he makes it clear he's making an effort, Harry might follow.

They had walked a bit longer in silence, and Louis started to think that Harry didn't catch what he tried to say. A few more strides to his apartment, and he had almost given up hope. "I've been trying to work on the whole trust thing." He said it so quietly that Louis almost didn't catch it. This was a major issue to Harry, something he's struggled with for what seems like a long time. There was a feeling in Louis' chest that almost belonged to pride. The fact that Harry acknowledged that he needed some type of help was so brave, and Louis definitely felt very proud.

Louis didn't say anything until they were inside the elevator in Louis' apartment building. "You're a lot more confident; I can tell." He leaned his head on the back wall.

Harry smiled at him. "I feel it, too." And Louis smiled back because that's something a confident person would say.

When they got into his apartment, Louis' tummy was turning, in anticipation, he guessed. "I already have a lease here somewhere," he said, going to his room to search through the desk.

A couple moments later, he came out, lease in hand, to see Harry very entranced with something sitting on a shelf near the TV. It was the frame Louis had that contained the picture of the two holding paintings. The first night they were officially together.

Louis interrupted the quiet atmosphere. "Here it is." Harry looked startled. "If you wanna just sign it... You don't have to give me any papers that prove you're working... I trust you." That was probably a big statement. They both knew it too as they stood looking at each other for far longer than normal. Harry finally took the papers, and Louis disappeared to the kitchen; they were going to need some beers to get them through their night.

Louis set down Harry's beer next to where he was reading the lease on the coffee table. Harry quickly glanced at it but then looked back down. Louis sat next to him; only a couple inches away.

Harry's back was slightly hunched over, making it look broader than usual. He never realized how much he liked Harry's back until this moment when it stared him straight in the face. It was so tempting to just rub his hand up and down, but that would probably be considered at least a little weird. But Louis kept the idea sitting in his head. His eyes traveled up. "Why did you cut your hair?" Louis asked very bluntly.

Harry didn't answer until he signed the lease, neither of them paid any attention to it, though. What's done was done. "I guess I just wanted a change; I don't know." Harry laughed it off because he really didn't know why he cut it; it just seemed like the right thing to do in the moment.

"It makes you look younger, like, softer, almost." Louis' smile grew as he spoke. Harry rose an eyebrow at the exchange. He could tell Harry was daring him to run his fingers through it, but, no, he wasn't going to, no matter how tempting.

Louis didn't know what to ask first, or what topic to bring up first. "So, therapy?"

Harry laughed. "Yeah. I mean, it's definitely helped a lot, just talking to someone and trying to better myself."

"What part of yourself has it helped the most?" This was an adult conversation, and Louis couldn't feel prouder.

He thought for a few moments. "I've always had a hard time letting things go. That's part of the reason I moved here. I guess, just to escape the nostalgia that I knew would be inevitable if I stayed there. I was just talking to my therapist one day, mostly rambling, and I somehow compared myself to young Hamlet." He took a break and looked at Louis. "Like, how in the play, he just gets consumed by all these things that add up to him breaking mentally. And, I know it's not as severe in my case, but it was almost like I constantly lived with all these things just building up, memories carving out spaces in my brain that would sit there, just waiting for me to mull over them."

"So therapy, for you, is just a lot of self-realization?" Louis didn't want to downplay the situation at all. But he also didn't want to dwell on the words Harry told him, in case he would feel judged. He knew what he was saying, there wasn't a need for questions.

Harry nodded seriously, like he really did understand the degree of the conversation they were having. "Yeah, pretty much. Like, she pretty much just has me talk and talk, and then I have a sudden moment of insight where things make a lot more sense." Louis waited for him to start talking. "I think another thing I realized through this is the dynamics of how a relationship works. Not just a romantic relationship, but friendships, my relationships with my family." Louis was so intrigued by where this was going. He turned on the couch to face Harry and rested his hand on his arm. "I learned there's a lot more give and take than I thought. Honestly, in most of my relationships," he didn't need to clarify what he meant by that, "I've taken a lot. Like I want the other person to let me into who they are and stuff like that."

"But there has to be some giving, too. Letting the person see who you are. Being in a vulnerable state with them." Louis wasn't trying to argue him, or anything like that. He simply was finishing Harry's thought.

Words didn't need to be spoken in order for the two to understand that what was said, was all that needed to be said.

There were a few more silent sips of beer before Harry stood up to grab a very large packet of papers from his bag. "I have something for you," he said when he sat back down on the couch. He handed Louis the packet, and it weighed his hand down.

Louis glanced over the front page, which was wrapped in one of those binders with a clear cover and that bound all the pages together. There was a large, bold title. Lucia. Underneath that, in smaller font and normal color, it read, "A novel by Harry Styles."

He immediately got confused and almost tried to push it back into Harry's hands. It was almost like he didn't want to carry the responsibility of what broke their relationship. "No, take it, Louis. It's done, and the publishing process is still going, but I want you to be the first to read it." Harry's voice cracked as he spoke. Louis knew that this was extremely hard for him to do. To trust Louis with so much. So many of his thoughts and beliefs went into this, and Louis was almost afraid of what weight that would give him. That type of intimacy. "I trust you to read this, and I want you to trust me."

Louis nodded. The words were stuck in his throat and on his tongue, just fighting to crawl out, but he didn't let them.

"Does Zayn's room still have a bed in it?" Louis nodded again; he didn't trust himself. "Well, I think I'm going to go to bed." Neither of them mentioned that it was too early to even think about sleep. Louis mentally noticed that Harry didn't have anything with him, other than a small over-the-shoulder bag. Did he really think this was going to go badly? Louis ignored all those thoughts and simply nodded again.

Harry understood the silence and stood up, making his way down the hallway. He stopped when he heard an almost weak, "Harry." He stopped but didn't turn around. "Welcome home." The statement got Harry to turn back around, almost like he didn't believe what he heard. He saw Louis still on the couch and still staring at the pages in his hands.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some rekindling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone, here's the next chapter! so far, this is the longest in the story so far, but they get longer from here on. so i hope you enjoy this one! thanks so much for reading! comments, kudos, and constructive criticism are always welcome! all the love, cassidy.

At some point, Louis had moved to his bedroom. He didn't really exactly remember when that was or how long he was sitting on the couch for. It felt like he had a grenade in his hands. The entire weight of the world. He had to be gentle, or it would destroy everything.

He had to be gentle with Harry's thoughts, Harry's words. Holding them felt like holding the key to Harry, something he'd always wanted. But now, he wasn't too sure. It all felt like too much. He didn't know why he was making such a big deal out of it. Maybe because Harry had, or at least he could tell himself that. It was a book, for God's sake. Billions of books already exist, and he's freaking out just because of this single book.

There was a voice shouting at him, telling him to rip it open and begin the journey into Harry's self.

But, Louis almost wished for a summary on the back cover to at least momentarily prepare himself.

There was also the small voice at the back of his head telling him to save it, cherish it, put it off until tomorrow, at least. He didn't know if he could do that. Plus, the other voice was shouting; this one was only whispering.

He opened the bound pages to see it looked like a normal novel format would be but on bigger, printer paper. There's always something about opening a new book and staring at the first page, like he's starting a new journey or leading a new life. And this was no different.

The first page once again showed the title of the book Lucia. Again, it also showed Harry's name. Harry Styles. This was so real. There was the addition of the publishing house at the bottom of the page. This was so, so real.

Onto the next set of pages. The one on the left read in large font, "To be filled with copyright information." It was at that moment that he realized that Harry still completely owned this. This was his book completely, and he had yet to sell it. Harry gave Louis the chance to read the book while it only meant something to him. That his meaning of the book was the only one ever given to it. There was no one else to analyze it, no one to call this book their favorite. It was solely Harry's. He wanted Louis to read it while it was still only his.

The next page was the page he seemingly was scared of the most. The dedication page. He'd read enough books to know that it came next.

I didn't start this journey with the intention of writing this anything other than selfishly, but I finished this journey for the one who needed it the most.

And there was so much depth to Harry's statement that Louis almost had to choke back a sob. He knew that there was only one person he could possibly be talking about. To an outsider, it would sound so simple. That he was simply telling his possible significant other that this book was for them. Maybe he could even be telling his readers that this book is for them. It was so vague and so Harry.

He turned the page again to see the left side filled with something poem like? He quickly glanced down it since he couldn't read it anyways, it being in Italian. At the credit line, it read that it was a line from a play? Musical? Opera? It was Italian, after all. Louis thought his best guess was Italian Opera. His eyes moved back up to the front, taking in all the foreign words.

Un'armonia celeste, di', non ascolti?

Ah, l'inno suona di nozze!

Il rito per noi s'appresta! Oh, me felice!

Oh gioia che si sente, e non si dice!

Ardon gl'incensi!

Splendon le sacre faci, splendon intorno!

Ecco il ministro!

Porgimi la destra!

Oh lieto giorno!

Al fin son tua, al fin sei mio,

a me ti dona un Dio.

Ogni piacer più grato,

mi fia con te diviso

Del ciel clemente un riso

la vita a noi sarà.

"Il dolce suono." Act III, Scene II, Lucia di Lammermoor. Gaetano Donizetti.

 

Louis didn't know if he should know who or what this was. Or even what it was about. He wondered if he should do a quick Google search, or if he should leave it up to figuring it out along the way. But there must have been a reason Harry included this.

He climbed over the bed to reach his phone that was plugged into the charger. Opening up his Safari app, he typed in the name of the supposed opera.

Okay, he was right. It was an Italian opera. But he preferred not to read a synopsis, that he would leave up to Harry.

He did look up a translation of the song, though.

 

A heavenly harmony, tell me, do you not hear it?

Ah, the marriage hymn is playing!

They are preparing the rite for us! Oh, how happy I am!

Oh joy that is felt but not said!

The incense is burning!

The holy torches are shining, shining around!

Here is the minister!

Give me your right hand!

Oh joyful day!

At last I am yours, at last you are mine,

A god gives you to me.

Let me share

The greatest pleasures with you,

Life for us will be

A smile from merciful heaven.

"What the fuck, Harold?" Louis mumbled to himself as he finished reading the translation. Louis didn't exactly have on his secondary school analysis cap, so he wasn't going to go verse to verse trying to figure this out. It sounded like describing marriage, but Harry didn't seem like the type of person to write a simple romance novel and include a song from an Italian opera. Even just by quickly reading it, there was an undertone that he couldn't quite place his finger on. A smile from merciful heaven. Louis sighed. What did that mean?

He looked over to the next page to see the table of contents page. There are three chapters named Act I, Act II, Act III. Well, if he was going for the theme of Italian Opera, he was definitely committed. Louis just wondered why this Lucia character held so much weight in this. (He already made sure this wasn't a play, and he figured it was definitely a novel when he turned to a random page and glanced at the format).

Turning the page again, he was met with a blank page on the left and on the right was "Act I" in big, bold letters.

To put it lightly, Louis felt like throwing up. He didn't know if he'd be able to get any further.

Louis decided that he made it far enough for one night and that his brain needed some rest. Badly.

He stood up from his bed and stretched a bit before walking over to the bathroom. His full, honest intention was simply to get ready for bed. But, he couldn't stop himself when he saw the bedroom (Harry's bedroom) door propped open slightly, and the light was off. Louis tip-toed over there and peeked inside, making sure Harry was asleep. Which he was. Louis didn't really blame him for falling asleep so fast. It really sounded like Harry's had an extremely tough month, and Louis felt so guilty. Louis pushed the door open a bit more with his toe, so he could slide in. It was then when Louis realized that Harry had fallen asleep on a bare mattress. There were no sheets, no blankets, no pillow, and Harry still wore his day clothes. Louis felt his heart wrench. Everything had happened so fast.

He stepped out before wandering over to the cabinet where he keeps the blankets and extra sheets. Louis took a blanket down, it looked comfy and warm, not that it was particularly cold at the moment, but sleeping on a bare mattress couldn't be fun.

When he stepped back inside the room, Louis had to resist the temptation to make Harry more comfortable by pulling off his shirt and pants. But that would definitely be over the line, and Harry wasn't drunk, so that could be awkward if he woke up to that. So, instead, he gently draped the blanket over Harry's curled up body.

Louis really wondered what made the boy so afraid of vulnerability. That if there was a certain point in his life that he had been crushed, turning him forever into a shell of a human being. Maybe, and hopefully, that was a tad bit dramatic. But seeing Harry in this vulnerable, almost childlike state, was a different experience for Louis. Harry stirred a bit, like his body finally realized there was a sense of comfort around him. He reached to grab onto the blanket, and he pulled it under his chin, cuddling into it.

Louis really couldn't help himself as he sat down at the bottom of the bed, admiring this new side of Harry. Maybe it was a bit creepy. Scratch that. It was definitely creepy, but Louis just wanted to telepathically send the words he was unable to speak. How he was so sorry, and how he felt like this entire situation was his fault. Even though, logically, he knew it wasn't. But he felt so bad for criticizing Harry to the degree in which he did. It probably made the entire situation even worse. Not having anyone around. God, Louis just wanted to cry.

At the moment that Louis could feel tears starting to sting his eyes, Harry stirred awake, and Louis felt like he was caught red-handed, which he was. Harry's eyes immediately latched onto Louis' body, and it was obvious that he tensed but quickly realized where he was and that Louis wasn't some random intruder.

"I'm sorry," Louis quickly whispered to relieve any tension.

"You're fine, Lou," Harry replied, his voice still sleepy. "Did you need something?" There had to be an actual reason Louis was in here, right?

Louis felt himself panic a bit. "Did you want sheets? Or clothes? I gave you a blanket, but..." he trailed off.

Harry smiled a bit. "No, it's fine. I'm good for tonight," Harry said, closing his eyes a bit.

"Are you sure? You can take my bed, and I'll sleep in here," he suggested.

A few moments went by where Harry didn't say anything at all. Louis was beginning to think he had fallen asleep again. "Can we...cuddle for a bit?"

Louis felt a bit shocked by the request, but Harry looked so sad and so fragile. So broken, that Louis would have done just about anything for him. This was vulnerable Harry, and Louis almost wanted to do anything he could to take it away. Before he reminded himself that this was sad, vulnerable Harry, not simply vulnerable. "Yeah, course, Haz, c'mon," Louis said as he stood up from the bed and moved over to Harry's head where he held out his hand. Harry took his outstretched hand into his own.

"I'll come back here when I get too tired," Harry mumbled when they left the room, still holding hands. Louis didn't care that Harry was already past the point of "too tired." But Louis really didn't care as he secretly hoped they could fall asleep wrapped in each other's arms.

Louis didn't bother responding.

They walked into Louis' room, and he could tell Harry was very conscious of the fact that his manuscript was sitting on the bed, turned to the page before the first. He even sat down next to it and stared at it longingly (after he had taken his hand from Louis'). "Erm, so I'm just gonna go brush my teeth and stuff, I'll be right back. Wait, actually." Louis started digging through his drawers to find some loose-fitting clothes. He gently tossed them to Harry. "I'll be right back." he closed his bedroom door behind him.

That was definitely a turn of events, one that Louis didn't expect. The first thing that Louis did instead of brushing his teeth was grabbing some fresh sheets and making Zayn's old bed (now Harry's bed. He'll have to get used to that). Just in case Harry did actually want to move back to this room. He doubted it.

After he made it look at least a little presentable, he actually went over to the bathroom to brush his teeth and piss.

When Louis got back to the room, Harry was idly flipping through the manuscript pages, almost like he was trying to find obvious mistakes. Like a page number that skipped one. Harry's eyes quickly moved when Louis shut the door behind him. Louis took quick notice of how he did change his clothes. "Sorry," he quickly apologized and moved it away from himself. Although, Louis wasn't sure why. "How far'd you get?"

Louis chuckled to himself a bit. "Barely past the Italian soliloquy," he joked.

"Well, that's not entirely wrong, but it's a song." Harry wasn't trying to be smarter than Louis, but almost like he was trying to tell Louis what it means without all the flora and fauna.

Louis rolled his eyes and placed a knee on the bed. "I know that, Harold," he joked. "Although I haven't figured out who Lucia is yet, but something's telling me, I'm not supposed to know." There was a sparkle in both of their eyes.

Harry stood up and pulled the covers to the end of the bed. So they were really doing this, huh? "It's an old, obscure Italian opera. I'm kinda banking on the fact that no one knows what it is." He laughed a bit. "It's only been shown in America once, and it was in New Orleans."

Louis scoffed a bit as he got into bed, and Harry followed him. "Not even Broadway, c'mon." Louis shook his head making Harry laugh again. There were a few moments of them lying side by side quietly after Louis had pulled up the sheets and duvet. He silently wondered how long it had been since he'd even washed these. "Big spoon or little spoon?"

Harry giggled. "Do you even have to ask?"

Louis laughed along with him. He supposed it was true. "Okay, okay, turn over," Louis demanded. So, Harry did. Louis scooted his body closer to where he was almost right up against his back. He wrapped his arm around Harry's waist and tucked his knees behind Harry's who was quick to grab onto Louis' arms and hold it closer to his chest.

"Scoot closer; I don't care if you get a boner," Harry spat out making Louis slightly shove his back.

"Wow, wow, wow. I think just for that I should...make you go back to your own room," Louis teased. He almost said that he should kick him out just for that. But he stopped himself, because that's a line he's not going to cross. Harry laughed and pushed his bum out. "Stop being cheeky, jeez." Louis really loved this confidence. But, Louis scooted closer anyways.

Harry still held onto Louis' hand, cradling it against his chest. Louis felt him take a deep breath and exhale quietly. It made it seem like this was the first time in a while that Harry's been truly comfortable, without having to worry about anything.

"You can say no, but me, Zayn, and Liam are going out tomorrow, if you wanna come?" Louis said quietly against Harry's short curls.

Harry thought for a moment. He guessed that it would be good to start making some more friends, even if they were Louis' friends. "Erm, yeah. That sounds good."

"Cool. I've been trying to get them to start dating for ages. We could witness it together," Louis said, his mind still racing as fast as a drag car.

Harry chuckled, and Louis' hand moved with his chest. It was adorable. "So can tomorrow be somewhat of a double date? Two couples trying to figure out what to do with each other?" By now, Harry had flipped over and was making eye contact with Louis, whose hand was still loosely wrapped around his waist.

Louis face held a soft smile. "I like the sound of that." Harry chuckled again, his eyes starting to blink slower. Louis reached up his hand and finally gave in to the temptation of running his fingers through Harry's hair. It was unbelievably soft and fluffy. Louis was thinking that it might be his favorite body part of Harry's.

"I'm sorry for being such a crap boyfriend," Harry said, eyes completely closed now.

Louis' hand froze momentarily. "No, Harry. You weren't. I think both of us did things wrong. That's why I'd like to start over this time and get things right. How does that sound?"

Louis waited a few moments for Harry's response before he realized that he had fallen asleep.

^^^^^

In the morning, Louis woke up to an empty bed, but the other side was ruffled more than it usually was. Harry. Harry was here. Harry was living with him now. Louis got up out of bed, a little bit reluctantly because he knew he'd have to get ready for work.

He wandered into the kitchen, also wondering where Harry was. When he got out a k-cup to put into the coffee machine, he saw a note next to it.

Morning! I had a meeting this morning, so as you're reading this I'm probably on my way:) I also have work after, so I won't be back till later. Louis, thank you so much again, this means the world to me. Text me if you need anything, I might go to the store later to pick up some things.

Louis took a sip of coffee when he was done reading the note, which he quickly pocketed. He put the coffee in a to-go cup before leaving it to go get ready for work.

^^^^^

Harry had just gotten to the publisher's building when he received a text from Louis. He sent a picture with the caption, Coffee? The picture was the brand that he drinks. Harry smiled himself while he also sent a smiley face back.

He waved at Casandra before heading back to Irving's office. He knew his way around the office, more so than he did before, so he was given a bit more freedom.

"Morning, Harry! How is everything?" Irving asked from his desk when Harry walked in. They seemed to have started to skip the extra formalities.

"I'm doing great. You?" He always said that, but this time it was true.

"Fantastic," he said, finishing up typing a few more words. "We have much to talk about today. Very exciting news." Harry's ears perked up. "I spoke with a few other people in the company about your novel, and, Harry, we would like to offer you a monetary value at this time." Harry gaped at him. This was finally happening. "The book is finished, and we would like to publish it very soon."

"Really? That's great news!" Harry felt so excited that this was finally becoming real. All because of that one random guy in the airport.

"Yes, it is." The man chuckled lightly, leaning back in his chair. "I have a contract for you." He slid it across the table. "I would like to offer you $100,000. The contract goes into more detail about what we would require from you and overall necessities. How are you feeling, Harry?"

"I... This is amazing. Are you sure?" Harry's eyes were wide-eyed as he looked at his almost-boss. 

Irving laughed. "Yes, we are very sure. We think your book is extremely unique, and that it would do quite well in the market. Internationally, as well."

Harry smiled, as wide as ever. "I really can't believe this. Thank you so much." He was saying a lot of thanks lately.

"This was all you, Harry. You have an amazing talent that we can't wait to see more of. So, what I would like you to do is go over the contract, contact me if you have any questions or any requests, and then meet again on Monday and start some marketing, stuff like that."

"Oh my God, this is really happening. I can't wait."

Irving's face held a smile. He really believed in this kid. "If you decide to sign the contract, you will receive the money on Monday." This was really real. "I've also set you up for a meeting with my son Jeff. You remember him, of course. He's an agent, and I was hoping that you'd consider signing with him, simply to make this process easier and to help our business together in the future." Harry really couldn't believe what he was hearing. Not only do they want to publish his book, but they also want to publish his books in the future. He didn't even know what he would write about. "The meeting would be today right after this one. He's only a few buildings over." Harry's heart dropped. He had work. "Would that work?" Irving thought his face held a more saddened expression.

"It's just that I have work after this, and I just started, so I don't really want to call in," Harry ranted a bit. Here was his chance, but now he had other adult responsibilities to take care of.

But to his surprise, Irving simply laughed. "You want to write for a living, correct?" Harry nodded. "Quit your job, son. Let me tell you, $100k is not something we give out on a normal basis. We only do this when we are confident that the writer will have a future with us and make us a lot of money. We are very serious about this, Mr. Styles." Irving paused for a moment, letting Harry take in his words. "What I will do though, is push back your meeting with Jeff to this afternoon, at 2, in order for you to take care of your job. We are very serious about this which means that you must be, too."

This was the first time that Harry's every felt reprimanded by the man. It didn't even sound like he had an option to not quit his job, which he was starting to enjoy. (The nurses there were very sweet to him). Writing was going to be his job though, something he would spend hours and hours doing. "Okay, I can do that." Irving and Harry both smiled.

"Great. I will see you on Monday. Have a good day." Irving turned back to his computer when Harry stood up.

He was making his way out of the building when Casandra stopped him. "Harry! How'd it go?"

Harry smiled. "I'm going over the contract this weekend!"

"That's fantastic! That's so good to hear. I've definitely been rooting for you," she said and smiled.

"Thank you. I'll see you on Monday." They both waved their goodbyes.

^^^^^

To be short, Harry's boss wasn't exactly fond of the idea of Harry quitting after being there for a very short amount of time. But, he supposed, it's not like he would need any references ever again. Harry was still in so much shock that he was finally getting his book published. His dream was becoming a reality.

Harry had about an hour before he had to meet with Jeff, so that left him enough time to go to the store to pick up a couple things he needed. And also go by the hotel, pay the last night he needed to, and collect his things and bring them back to Louis' place. (He should do that first). That whole situation was an entirely different ordeal in itself. He was so grateful for Louis allowing him to live in his apartment. Harry wouldn't have known what to do if it wasn't for Louis.

Plus, he thought it was extra amazing that Louis was giving him another chance at being a boyfriend, he supposed. At this moment, everything was going so well.

When Harry got back from the store, bags in hand, Louis sat on the couch.

"Hey, I thought you weren't gonna be back for a while?" Louis asked casually as he stood up to help put away the things Harry bought.

Harry quickly checked the time on his phone when the groceries were put away to see he didn't have much time to chit-chat. "Um, yeah. Things um...well, I'll explain later. I really have to go, but I'll talk to you later, I promise."

"Oh, okay." Louis looked a bit defeated, and Harry could see that.

"Lou, I'm not doing this on purpose. I have another meeting to go to that came up this morning, but I promise, promise I'll tell you all about it later."

Louis nodded and quickly embraced Harry. "Thank you." That was hard to hear for Harry.

When Harry arrived to the agent's building (another skyscraper, but this time, a bit smaller), the receptionist immediately asked, "Harry Styles?" He nodded. "Right this way." The receptionist stood up and walked around his desk to make his way down the hallway, prompting Harry to follow.

They only passed a few closed doors before he knocked on the wooden door. This office was completely hidden by the walls; there wasn't glass which he had become accustomed to. Once the receptionist heard a "Come in," he moved out of the way for Harry to step in.

"Harry! It's so good to see you again!" Jeff exclaimed once he stood out of his swivel chair. He was a contrast to what Harry had seen at the airport. Then he was in sweatpants with a t-shirt, but now he wore a dark blue fitted suit. They were clearly going to be speaking business. "My dad has been going on and on about you," he laughed which for some reason, only made Harry more nervous.

"Nice to see you again, too," Harry said and shook Jeff's outstretched hand.

"Well, I'm going to get down to business. I have a meeting shortly," Jeff started. "If you were to sign with me, I would take 15% royalties from your novel. That's the only monetary thing you'd have to worry about. But, having me, would make your life easier. I pretty much exist as an agent to help you understand contracts, understand the publishing process, and help you get noticed. How does that sound?"

Harry was confused, really confused. "Um, well. Are there any cons?"

Jeff leaned back in his chair and clasped his hands together. "Other than the royalties I would receive, no. But to understand your contracts, you would most likely hire a lawyer anyway."

Harry thought for a moment. Part of the problem was that he didn't even know what questions to ask. "Then, I guess, yeah. I want to sign with you."

Jeff smiled. "Great." He rustled through some drawers and pulled out a contract. "This just states that I would receive 15% royalties, the agency would be allowed to act on your behalf, that we would like to represent this work and all your future works, that you have the right to terminate the agreement if we don't find a publisher for you. That is unlikely though, since we have my dad." He laughed, alleviating some of the tension. "Also, that we can't act on your behalf unknowingly, and that we have the right to allow third-party access to your work, such as production companies, but, again, only with your permission. So, how does it all sound, Styles?" 

This felt weirdly too personal for Harry. He was used to more formalities within this sort of action. Like signing his lease to the apartment didn't go like that. There was a moment when he wondered if he'd ever be able to get his apartment back.

"Where do I sign?" In the end, he really couldn't notice anything wrong with it. Jeff reached over, flipped a few pages, and pointed to where Harry should sign. He did.

"Good doing business with you, Harry. Now, onto my dad's contract. What it includes is the description of your work, which you don't need to worry about since it's already written. It talks about international rights. For publishing it, in general, in all forms such as hardcover, or e-book. This part is important: all sales the book make will come back 80/20 in your favor. So you make 80% of the sales, and the publishing house makes 20%. Does everything make sense, so far?"

Harry had to smile to himself. "Yeah, I guess. It's overwhelming."

Jeff smiled back. "That's very true. Just stick with me for a bit longer. The publisher will receive 20% royalties." Jeff looked back to Harry. "I know that combined with my 15% that sounds like a lot, but this is all customary. Lastly, they will submit the book for copyright and pay the fee for that. Actually, the contract states that they will submit it in two weeks which means at the latest, your book will be out in three and a half months. Very exciting."

Harry beamed. "Yeah it is, thanks. Anything else?"

Jeff shook his head. "That's all. Just look it over. If you have any questions feel free to email me." He slid over a business card. "And return it on Monday. I'm almost late, so I'll have Michael see you out." Harry assumed he was the receptionist.

Alas, he was right because a few minutes later the same guy from earlier came into the office to show him out. Which was a lot more formal than the entire meeting.

"Have a good day, Mr. Styles," Michael said as they reached their destination: the elevator.

 

 

As soon as Harry got back to the apartment, Louis was patting the spot on the couch next to him. Harry had to laugh because he should at least be able to take off his shoes. "You first, Louis. How'd your day go?" he asked from inside his bedroom where he was changing into more comfortable pants.

"It was alright. There was this one customer who would not stop complaining about her coffee not being the right temperature. It was awful." Even from a few feet away, Harry could hear the annoyance in his voice. Harry stopped by the kitchen to grab a bowl of fruit he picked up from the store earlier. "You know, I don't think this apartment has had fruit in it for years," Louis said when Harry sat down where Louis tapped earlier.

"You're missing out," Harry replied, popping a banana slice into his mouth.

Louis chuckled. "How was your day?" He could see the way that Harry's face lit up instantly.

He finished chewing before answering. "Amazing. So many things happened." Louis started smiling. "For one, I signed with an agent. Second, the publisher gifted me with a contract, and he officially wants to buy my book."

"Harry, are you serious?!" He nodded. "That's amazing! I'm really proud of you!" Louis reached over and rubbed Harry's thigh. Harry smiled under the praise.

"Thanks," he said a little bit sheepishly. "And, lastly, this one isn't as good, but the publisher was like "If you can't be serious about this and have this as your only job, then we aren't going to work with you,"" Harry said waving his fork around, mimicking a deep voice, causing Louis to laugh. "So I kinda had to quit my job."

Louis almost choked. He didn't believe Harry was dumb, but now he was thinking otherwise. "Why would you do that?" Harry looked to Louis and saw the instant disappointment on his face.

"I only did it because of how clear they were wanting a future with me. And they're giving me $100,000 for this book. Who knows what's gonna happen later."

Louis raised his eyebrows. He genuinely thought that Harry would be getting a solid $10,000 for the book. "Oh, Jesus, wow, Haz. That's fucking amazing." Louis felt really proud. "What about royalties?"

Harry took another bite. "15% for the agent, and 20% for the publisher." Louis nodded because his background in songwriting gave him a bit of experience in this.

"Well, tonight could be to celebrate you and your amazing writing. Zayn and Liam'll be here in a bit."

"Speaking of that, have you read anymore?" Harry couldn't help to contain his curiosity.

Louis looked down at his feet. The hairs on his big toes were suddenly very entertaining. "I tried but couldn't really take the plunge."

Harry nodded. "Was it too much?"

Louis shook his head. "No, not at all. But, I don't know what it is. I'll get to it soon, though."

Harry nodded again. Really, damn that nodding. "Well, I'm gonna go take a shower and get ready." Louis smiled and nodded.

When Harry disappeared, Louis threw his head back on the couch. Why was he so afraid of this book? Well, he knew exactly why, but the reason felt too fragile to admit. Maybe he and Harry were more alike than he once thought.

Figuring he could try the book again, he wandered over to his bedroom to give it another try.

Okay, he could do this. He opened it up to the page that contained the first with actual words written on it. This was no big deal. It was just another book. Louis glanced down to halfway down the page where the words actually started.

Fall of 1983.

Oh, so this took place in the 80s. Interesting, Louis thought. Let's try this again.

Fall of 1983. University of Chicago just started to teem with life. Fresh faces, old faces. Faces it would never see again.

The air still held onto its warmth, but the cold started to threaten its way in.

It wasn't much to say for Laura Henderson who had grown up with the Chicago weather. And desperately wanted to run away from it.

Louis laughed lightly at the words Harry used. It was clear that he had the ability to relieve the tension that was building up within the few short sentences.

If she was being honest, she'd say that she didn't deserve to be here. That her time had passed. She should have moved on to bigger and greater things. Like finally getting published. But no, her permanent dwellings seemed to be the University of Chicago. A place she grew up visiting, knowing that she'd go there one day, and then love it. However, she learned that she hated it. Practically from day one.

Maybe it was her inability to be normal. To function how other humans function. There was only so much faking one could do before the truth finally caught up.

Louis wondered. There was obvious foreshadowing going on which intrigued him further into the story. At a point, he viewed this as just another book rather than the book that lead to Harry's soul.

He continued reading until there was a knock at the door. It must have been Zayn, knowing how to get into the building from past experience.

"Hey, mate!" Louis said as he answered the door. "Long time, no see," he joked. It really hadn't been too long.

Zayn said hi back before he quickly glanced around the place. "Did you find a roommate finally? Bout time," he wondered.

"Yeah. About that. It's Harry." Zayn raised his eyebrows. "It's...complicated. But I think we might have a shot at the relationship this time. Like, for real."

Zayn chuckled a bit. "Whatever you say, mate. Is he coming tonight? Not really in the mood to third wheel," he said very pointedly.

Louis smirked making Zayn instantly become suspicious. "I invited someone else." Zayn crossed his arms over his chest. There was a voice that came through the intercom, and they both instantly knew who it was. "Please don't be mad. Harry just found out amazing news, and we're celebrating." Louis walked over to the wall and told Liam he could come up.

"I thought this was supposed to be a guys' night. You know, because we haven't had one in forever?" Zayn really did look disappointed, but Louis only felt a little bad. He was only trying to get Zayn to get out more. Live life more.

"Are we not all guys?"

Zayn rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean." He stared Louis down, but he was used to his best friend's behavior.

"Hey, Zayn!" Harry walked out fully dressed and toweling his hair off. Louis instinctively licked his lips at the sight. He looked really hot in those black skinny jeans and the black and yellow sweater he had on. Louis swore, it always looked like Harry was wearing some major fashion brand like Gucci or something like that. But beside that, Louis smiled fondly at the new confidence Harry showed. It contrasting a lot to the past run-in with Zayn.

"Oh, hey, Harry. Nice to see you again." They shook hands.

"Well, I need to get dressed, so Zayn, can you let Liam in?" Zayn nodded before Louis walked towards his bedroom, lightly snaking his hand on Harry's side. He just hoped Zayn didn't see or that would lead to another fit.

Okay, so, it was official. Harry always set a fashion standard that he will inherently never be able to meet. He quickly grabbed some black skinny jeans as well but opted with a white t-shirt with a colorful design on the front; he also found a black bomber jacket at the back of his closet that he paired with it. Now that he looked at himself, he looked a little like Zayn.

Louis joined the rest of the group who was chit-chatting about where they wanted to go. Obviously, Harry was a bit out of the loop because he had no idea where anything was.

"Do you know of any spots, Harry?" Count on Liam to not have any idea what's going on around him. Granted, nobody told him Harry just arrived here.

Harry pondered for a moment. "I mean, I've been to one place. It's a gay bar, though." The other two nodded while going back to their phones, clearly not interested in one of those tonight. But that also left Louis feeling a little left out on Harry's life, and even a bit, jealous? The jealousy was definitely confirmed as a feeling when Harry glanced at Louis and quickly looked away.

"Well, I hope you guys already introduced yourselves because I know the perfect place to go," Louis said, leading the group out.

When they were out of the building, Louis walked them in the right direction for a bit before sighting a cab and waving it down. They all tumbled into the car, Zayn immediately taking the front seat, not wanting to be squished in the back. Louis was in the middle because, out of Liam and Harry, he was the smallest. He ended up scooting closer to Harry anyways, though. In hindsight, he should have stolen the front, so that Zayn and Liam would be forced to be close.

The taxi ride was mostly silent other than the driver asking where they were going. It was a bar called Friends and Lovers. It was perfect name wise, but they also had live music which he knew they would all enjoy.

"Any bands you know playing tonight?" Zayn asked, turning around and looking at Louis.

"No, but who knows when we get there; I didn't look at the schedule," he responded. Since Louis was an amateur songwriter, he wrote mostly for bands that were up-and-coming and that performed mostly in bars. It wasn't ideal, but it was something.

A few minutes later, the driver pulled over to the curb. Zayn took out his wallet to leave some money for the ride before they all climbed out.

There was a line when they got there, but not an awful one. The tape was just wide enough for two people to stand side-by-side. Perfect. He allowed Liam and Zayn to go in first while keeping an arm on Harry who still hadn't made proper eye contact with him for a bit.

"You okay?" Louis asked lowly enough, so the other two wouldn't hear.

Harry nodded. "Yeah. It's just that...I did sleep with someone that I met at the bar," Harry said decently quickly. And, okay, that's fine. They weren't together. Louis' mind was only trying to keep itself together and rid itself of its strong emotions that were threatening to come out. It was only a day after they broke up, after all.

Louis smiled a probably very pained looking smile at Harry. "I appreciate that you told me, but it's fine. We weren't together."

Harry held a very entertained smile on his face. "Whatever you say." Harry laughed and knocked his side into Louis'. He was forced to roll his eyes. "I wouldn't wanna go home with anyone else but you tonight, anyways."

Louis raised his eyebrows. "Oh, really? Maybe if you're lucky," he flirted back. Harry laughed with pink cheeks. "I read a bit more while you were in the shower. I didn't get far, but it's really good, Harry."

"Thank you." Liam let out a loud laugh causing the two of them to look up. They both smirked at each other. Hopefully, Louis' plan was coming together.

"They both keep on complaining about being lonely and how guys in New York suck and whatever. But when I bring the other up, they immediately turn away," Louis explained to Harry, hoping Liam and Zayn didn't catch his voice.

"Such a good wingman you are, Tomlinson." Harry smiled before handing the security his I.D. Louis took note that he got his New York driver's license and smiled.

When they got in the bar, there was a booth available that Zayn walked over to and snagged. Him and Liam scooted in next to each other, and Harry and Louis were across from each other. "Beers to start us off?" Louis asked, everyone else giving him nods.

He left, and Liam and Zayn both looked at Harry like he was about to be interrogated. "Did he do this on purpose, Harry?" Liam asked. At least it wasn't about himself. "Were you told I was coming?" Zayn shook his head.

"I don't know," Harry said, awkwardly checking the time on his phone.

"Sure," Zayn said. "Louis said we were celebrating something tonight. Anything we should care to know about?" he asked as soon as Louis came back.

Louis looked to Harry to see what his response was. "I got a book deal with a publisher."

"Congrats," Zayn and Liam said at the same time causing them both to blush and simply take sips of their drinks.

"Ay! We were supposed to toast to Harry!" Louis exclaimed, a bit like a toddler. He lifted up his pint. "To Harry, and to having a successful book!" They all took sips before putting down the drinks. "I haven't read much, but, so far, it's been really good." Zayn looked to Harry with an inquisitive look in his eye. He hadn't known that Harry finally allowed Louis to read it. Harry thought it was obvious that Zayn knew why their relationship didn't work out, so he just looked to the table.

Harry felt a small tap on his ankle, and he looked up to see Louis smiling at him, causing him to smile back and to tap Louis' ankle with his shoe. This may have led them into playing footsie with each other.

For a while, they all enjoyed each other's company while having seemingly pointless conversations about sports or just guy things.

"I'll go get us some more drinks. Any specific requests?"

"Tequila shots," Liam threw out, prompting Zayn to agree with him.

"I'll just take another pint, babe," Louis said.

Harry nodded before heading to the bar. He thought for a moment and decided on a Blue Moon for himself. Harry gave the bartender his order who nodded in response.

"Hey, pretty boy," Harry heard from behind his ear. He turned around and was faced with a guy starting at him. "Could I get you a drink?"

"No thanks," Harry said quickly, hoping it would shut the guy up. He tried to turn back to the bar when the guy grabbed his arm.

"You sure? I'd bet you'd look real good on your knees with a Cosmo in your hand," the guy slurred and got closer to Harry's body who tried to back away as much as possible.

"Almost done, babe?" Louis appeared and slid an arm between him and the guy to wrap his arm around the front of Harry's waist before planting a kiss on his cheek. The guy mumbled and stalked away. "You good?" Harry nodded right before the bartender finished their drinks. "People are such lowlifes sometimes." Harry could hear the disgust in Louis' voice and nodded in his head.

"For the record, Louis, I definitely would have punched him myself," Harry said with a smile on his face, indicating that he wasn't really mad.

"Oh, I know. I was just trying to prevent that," Louis played back before leading Harry back to their table.

The group threw a few more jokes around (they were getting on surprisingly well for not knowing each other) before Zayn asked if Liam wanted to dance. Louis smirked as he let them out of the booth. Harry scooted over indicating that he wanted Louis next to him.

"My plan is so working," he said as he slid in.

"Definitely is, babe," Harry said and wrapped his right hand around Louis' thigh. "By the end of the night they'll definitely be grinding on each other."

"Who knew you'd have such a dirty mouth, Styles," Louis smirked. "First, last night with the boner thing and then now. We should get some soap." Harry laughed loudly and threw his head back. He covered his mouth when he saw a few people turn in their direction.

When he had calmed down, he saw that Louis had a more serious expression on his face. "Yes?" he asked.

"Can I ask you something?" Harry nodded. "How come you were okay with the handjob, blowjob thing a while back, but when it came to emotional things, you weren't?"

Okay, Harry didn't expect that question, and Louis blamed him asking on the alcohol. It was two beers but, oh well. "That's a really good question, um." Louis laughed a bit. He was curious. "I guess maybe because, at the time, it felt like a different type of trust. Like, a physical type of trust, whereas everything else was an emotional trust. I think I'm realizing now that they aren't actually too different from each other." Harry turned his head to face Louis more directly. His hand was still on Louis' thigh.

"Is that why you were fine with having sex with a stranger?" Louis didn't mean for it to come out as harsh, but he knew it did.

"I guess, yeah. And that it didn't feel as personal with someone I didn't know. But there was that obvious physical trust I had to have, but then again." Harry shrugged as if this was a conversation he had on the daily.

"I want you to know that you can trust me with anything, and I hope you can do the same for me," Louis said, facing Harry with his whole body, knee up on the booth. Harry started drawing shapes in his thigh, most likely absentmindedly.

"That means a lot, Lou," Harry smiled softly.

"Wanna play Twenty Questions?" Louis asked loudly again, prompting an eye roll and a nod and a smile from Harry.

 

 

It was only a few more hours later when the four of them started to tire out, and the bar was just getting way more crowded. People were practically falling into Louis' lap on the side of the booth. So, Louis rounded them all up to go home.

"Hey, um, I think me and Liam are gonna head out separately, that okay?" Zayn asked, practically admitting defeat.

Louis nodded with a smile. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" he shouted as he started walking which earned him a middle finger. "Okay, Harold, next question." He took Harry's hand in his own and swung them. There was definitely a bit of alcohol in his system. "Okay, what is your favorite allusion? Lucia is cheating."

Harry laughed lightly. "My favorite allusion‒"

"Oh! And why?"

"Okay," Harry started, laughing again, "my favorite allusion is probably Adonis." He laughed to himself.

"What's that mean?" Louis slurred a bit.

"I was joking. My actual favorite one is Miss Havisham from Great Expectations. On her wedding day, she was left by the groom, so she waited for years in her dressing room, still in her wedding dress. I think it's my favorite because it's a reminder that love persists, and that sometimes your heart doesn't choose who to love, but it sometimes just happens." Louis thought Harry sounded a bit smart at the moment.

"Do you think it counts even if the person doesn't love you back?"

Harry looked to Louis for the first time since they started walking. He forced them to stop on the middle of the sidewalk. They both had been too careless to call a taxi.

"Of course it does."

"You don't think it's a bit hopeless?" Louis asked, curiosity getting the best of him.

"I think the opposite. That it's full of hope. It's letting the other person know that you're always going to love them, and they'll always be a special place in your heart. That you'll always be there for them, waiting and hoping. But if they'll never love you back, friendship would be enough," Harry finished his thoughts that came out a bit more jumbled than he would have liked.

They began walking again. Louis didn't really know how to respond. But he did anyways. "I know that some relationships are doomed from the start, and that's what ours seemed to be. I really hope not, Harry, but if it does fail, just know that I'll always wait for you. And I hope that we'll always wait for each other. And if that doesn't work out even then, I'd be okay with friendship... We could be Miss Havisham with a happy ending."


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they get closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's the next chapter. thank you so much for reading! hope you enjoy this one! it's getting pretty close to the end now! as always, kudos, comments, and constructive criticism are welcome! all the love, cassidy.

Within the past few weeks (more like couple months), there was a lot of flirting. So much flirting that it was practically the only thing on Harry's mind. Either of them would get back from a day out, flirt. Eat dinner together, flirt. Lay in bed together, flirt. Because, yeah, that's become a thing. They rarely spent the night in their own beds, separately. And if they did, it was because one would get home late while the other was already sleeping. That was mostly Louis, the one that got home late. Harry rarely went out unless it was for work or errands. He didn't really need to anyways.

The thing was, Harry never crawled into Louis' bed alone. It was either LouisandHarry or simply Louis. Never just Harry. Louis had also gotten accustomed to waking up next to Harry. He would hate it when he got back late, and Harry was in his own bed. Louis often found it hard to fall asleep without his cuddle buddy. Well, they were probably more than just cuddle buddies now. They seemed to be living without labels. There were kisses here and there, maybe a few touches, but nothing beyond that. Both of them may have been starting to get a little...frustrated, but neither of them knew where the line was. Well, they did, but they never talked about setting a new line.

There was that one time, though.

It was Labor Day, and the both of them had work off, so they slept in later than they usually would. Louis usually showered at night, but he didn't have anything to do the next day, so he skipped on it. There was that, but he also woke up to his own boner, and as much as he tried to will it to go down so he could go back to sleep, it didn't work. A bit reluctantly, he rolled over in bed and groaned as he stood up and popped his back. Last night was one of the nights that Harry didn't sleep with him, so he had a hard time falling asleep, so he finally passed out in the wee hours of the morning. He hated the fact that he was already awake, but male bodies will do as male bodies wish. And the wish was his command at the moment.

He grabbed his towel that he had left lying on the floor and left to saunter off to the bathroom. Louis started the shower and brushed his teeth while he waited for the water to get to the perfect temperature. He also had to pee which was harder than normal because of his...situation.

Finally hopping in the shower, he quickly rinsed himself off with the water before grabbing his shampoo, still willing his boner to go away before he had to deal with it. He massaged his scalp for a while before rinsing it out and grabbing the conditioner, lathering a small amount around his head. Louis rinsed it out as quickly as possible and took hold of his body wash and scrubbed around his whole body.

After that, it was finally time to take care of himself. As soon as he had a hand wrapped around himself, he heard the bathroom door slam open. And the thing was, was that the shower was glass, and Louis hadn't been in long enough to create a fog screen. So, Harry probably, definitely saw Louis getting ready to jack himself off.

"Fuck, sorry," Harry said quickly; however, he did not move. (At this point, Louis' hand was long gone from his cock, but it was persistent).

The problem that Harry was having was that he was not moving and still starting at Louis. "You wanna get out now?" Louis asked, very embarrassed.

Harry didn't say anything.

"Haz."

He coughed. "Right, sorry. Um, do you need help with that?" It was like they both knew that they were getting each other worked up.

Louis spluttered around the water that was aimed near his mouth. When he got his breathing under control, he opened the glass door a bit and peeked his head out. They hadn't talked about doing anything sexual since the first time, but Louis was a bit too horny to care at the moment. "Well, what're you waiting for then?" his accent thick as he spoke. Harry looked wide-eyed at Louis and quickly undressed. He had also never seen Harry fully naked, something he was just realizing now. He'd only seen his front.

Harry stepped into the shower and got his hair wet (he faced the shower which gave Louis a fantastic view of his ass), which only accentuated his strong jaw bone, and his eyes looked impossibly more gorgeous as they stood out more against his darker hair. And, fuck, this was only getting him harder. Harry bent down a bit to take Louis' lips into his own, something they had spent hours doing and are, therefore, familiar with each other's mouths. He had slight morning breath, but Louis didn't care one bit, not when he could feel his dick getting bigger by the second. Harry finally took a hand off Louis' shoulder to move it in between them, stroking him a few times, Louis' breath faltering as he had to hang on to Harry's waist to keep himself steady. He really did not want to slip; that would be awfully unsexy.

As if reading Louis' mind, Harry lightly pushed him until his back hit the wall. He gasped a bit at the cold wall, but his voice didn't get very far as Harry swallowed it. Harry resumed his movements with his hand until he got Louis to start panting and lightly bucking his hips up.

But then he stopped, and Louis almost whined until he opened his eyes and saw Harry getting down on his knees. Louis reached up and angled the shower head away, so Harry wouldn't drown which earned him a slight smile. He stroked him a few more times right in front of his face before opening his mouth to suck lightly on the tip. Louis let out a moan. Harry started swirling his tongue around the head causing Louis to start moaning out, "More." But he kept going at it. "Such a tease," Louis mumbled. This caused Harry to pull off with a smirk and stroke him a few more times before getting back to a neutral face and taking him deeper. "Fuck," he moaned out.

It only took a few more times of Harry bobbing his head up and down before Louis was warning Harry that he was about to come. Louis did the obvious in figuring that Harry would pull off and jack him off a few times, but Harry stayed, only taking Louis deeper. He was a goner when the tip of his dick hit the back of Harry's mouth. And Harry swallowed which only caused Louis to twitch in his mouth as more come spluttered out. He finally pulled off with a pop and stood up and rubbed his knees a bit. Harry kissed Louis' cheek before standing back under the water and giving him a look that said, "Well, you headed out now?" So, Louis did. And they never mentioned it again.

Currently, Harry was seated at the dining table on the phone with his mum.

"You're coming home for Christmas, right, hon?" his mum asked with a sweet voice; Harry missed the strong accents around him. It was nearing October, and it was just starting to get a bit chilly outside.

Before Harry had a chance to answer, Louis walked in wearing a sweater over his work clothes. They gave each other a smile before Louis headed to his room, kicking the door closed behind him. They'd talk when Harry was finished.

"Yeah, I am. I was just about to buy the plane ticket. When were you planning on having the party? I could get there a couple days earlier," Harry suggested.

He could hear his mum shuffling through some papers, probably her planner. "I'm having it on the 20th, so if you could get here around the 16th, that would be perfect."

"Yeah, that works for me. Which, um, actually reminds me of something." This conversation didn't remind him of anything; he started it knowing where it was going to end up going. "Long story short," he started as he picked up his laptop and moved further away from Louis' bedroom, "I met this guy, and he's also from England. Anyways, we have this thing going on, so I just have to ask what he was planning on doing."

Harry could tell by the silence that there were a lot of thoughts going on in Anne's head. "By thing you mean dating?" she asked first.

Harry rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand. "Not quite. We aren't official or anything."

"Oh, okay. Were you planning to go to his for Christmas then?"

Harry wondered how it got to there. "Well, no. I was planning to go home."

"But I just put the thought into your head?"

"Mum, no. I'm coming home for Christmas, and I want to come home. I'll buy the ticket now," Harry said.

He could hear Anne's smile as she spoke. "Okay, sweetie, great. I can't wait to see your new hair in person." They both laughed.

"Bye, mum. Love you." He hung up.

As if on cue, Louis walked out of his bedroom and joined Harry on the couch. "So you're going home for Christmas?"

Harry nodded. "Yeah, what about you? Are you going to your mum's?" Harry asked.

Louis' smile faltered, looking defeated, and Harry instantly moved closer to comfort him. Tears began to well up his eyes, so Harry moved his laptop in order to scoot even closer. "Hey, you're okay," Harry tried to comfort as Louis buried his face in Harry's chest. His sobs were silent, but Harry knew they were there by the wetness of his shirt and the way Louis back heaved up and down. Harry rubbed his hand down his back, not entirely sure what to do since he didn't know what was wrong. "Shhh," he just kept saying as he laced his fingers in Louis' hair.

Eventually, Louis calmed down enough and pulled back, wiping his eyes and resting his head on the back of the couch. "I...fuck...I'm sorry." Louis wiped his eyes again. Harry had never seen Louis be this emotionally vulnerable before.

"Don't be sorry, love," Harry gently cooed as he reached over to massage Louis' scalp again. More tears started coming until Harry rose his voice. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

Louis took a deep breath and sat up. "I haven't been home."

Harry furrowed his eyebrows. "Since?"

Louis lightly threw his hands up before they landed back down in his lap. "Since I moved here." Harry stared at him in shock. No wonder he got emotional; Harry didn't know if he'd ever be able to do that. "I mean, I facetime with my family, but that obviously isn't enough."

Harry waited a few more moments. "Can I ask why?"

"I just haven't been able to afford it. The plane ticket to and from. I can't afford to miss work." Louis sounded so frustrated, and it broke Harry's heart. "It just sucks so much because I wasn't even there when they needed me the most..." Louis turned to face Harry. "I have six younger siblings. The youngest ones I've never even met in person. But, um," Louis looked down at his sock-clad feet, "a couple years ago, my mum died. I didn't even go to her funeral." The dam broke again, and Louis immediately curled into Harry's chest. "She must think I'm a terrible son," Louis cried out in between sobs.

"Louis, no," Harry whispered as he kissed the top of his head. "She would never think that. You couldn't control it."

"I just feel like it's my fault because I chose to come here; I didn't have to. Everybody told me not to, and I should have just listened," Louis said, voice broken and muffled by Harry's chest.

"Louis." Harry gently pulled Louis' face out from hiding and grasped onto his cheeks to get him to look at him. "It is not your fault. Okay? I don't want to hear you say that because it's not true." Silent tears streamed down his face, but Harry wiped them away with the pad of his thumb. Harry let go of Louis' face, and instead of burying his face in his chest again, Louis opted for his shoulder.

He breathed for a few moments. "I usually don't get this way. Sorry," he mumbled against Harry's shoulder.

"Don't apologize," he whispered, using his free arm to reach over and rub Louis' thigh.

As soon as Louis mentioned not going home, the idea couldn't help but fester in Harry's mind. Harry hadn't had a clue about Louis' family life, and he felt bad for never asking about it. And for also bringing it up in the first place. They sat in silence for a few moments before Harry couldn't help the idea from spilling out of his mouth. "Lou," he hummed, "which seat on a plane do you prefer?"

Louis sat up, confused, about to open his mouth before it dawned on him. "Harry Styles, no."

"Louis Tomlinson, yes."

Louis had fully sat up now and was facing Harry. "Harry Edward Styles, listen to me." Harry held a smirk on his face. "You are in no way, shape, or form, buying me a plane ticket. Don't even think about it." Louis waved a finger in Harry's face.

"Louis William Tomlinson, I will be buying you a plane ticket, so tell me which seat you like, or I'll get you the middle," Harry said with a bit of humor behind his voice. He reached for his laptop.

"Harold, don't you dare."

Harry turned the laptop, so Louis could slightly see what he was doing. "Does flying in the 16th work for you?" He changed the amount of tickets to 2.

"No, Harry. I'm serious. Don't do this." Louis sounded really serious now.

Harry looked at him and turned to face him. "Why? Why don't you want to see your family?"

More tears threatened to come out of Louis' eyes, and Harry could tell. "I don't want you to pity me and then spend money on me."

Harry resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "No, I'm not pitying you, okay? I want to do this, and, to be honest, money is not an issue right now, okay? I've already got the money from the book deal." Louis' ears perked up at that. Oh yeah, he still hadn't finished it, still sitting on his nightstand.

"You should save it, though. Spend it on something you'll need in the future. Get you apartment back, or something. Anything but me." Louis knew it as soon as it came out of his mouth, and he instantly regretted it as he saw Harry's face drop. "Harry‒"

"You want me to move out?" And, fuck, that's not what he meant, but Harry looked so hurt. He wanted to cry again.

"No, Harry, that's not what I meant at all."

"What did you mean, then?" Harry's voice had gone all quiet.

Louis rubbed his face in his hands. "I was just talking. The point is that I don't want you to spend money on me, okay? I love the fact that you're here. I...I don't want you to leave. Don't want you to stop living here." Louis really couldn't imagine this apartment without Harry anymore. He had left his mark all around it. In the way that his shoes are all over the place. In the way that he always leaves the bathroom door slightly open when he showers because he thinks it gets too steamy. In the way that Louis' bed is more rumpled than ever before. "This was not a Freudian slip, I promise." Louis reached out for Harry who leaned into his touch. "And I don't know what I would do if you weren't here, okay?"

Harry nodded. "Freud was a dumbass anyways." Louis laughed the tension away.

"What? You didn't want to have sex with your parents when you were a kid?" Harry rolled his eyes and lightly hit Louis' arm. "He'd probably say that we were stuck in the anal stage," he casually said making Harry to throw his head back and let out a loud laugh.

"He would say that," Harry said after he had calmed down enough. They looked at each other silently for a few moments.

"By the way, I'll take whatever seat next to what you like."

Harry's face lit up. "Are you sure?"

Louis nodded with a fond look on his face. "Yeah, I am. Just don't get anything for Christmas or my birthday, got it?" Harry smirked but nodded anyways.

"Whatever you say." Harry smiled "I take it the 16th works for you, then?" Louis nodded.

"I take it you wanna be back before the ball drops?" Louis asked.

Harry nodded quickly. "What would be the point of living here if I wasn't?" Louis laughed. "So come back the 30th? We could spend a week with my family and a week with yours?"

"That sounds good." Louis got up on his knees to lean over to kiss Harry on the mouth. "Thank you so much, Harry." Harry smiled and kissed Louis again, going to go back to buying the tickets when Louis' hands were on his face, pulling him back up. "I love you." Louis looked back and forth between Harry's eyes, trying to see any reaction, but when he didn't get one, he continued. "I love you, and I couldn't imagine you not being here with me and sleeping in my bed because I love waking up to your beautiful, gorgeous face." Harry opened his mouth to speak, but Louis cut him off. "It's okay if you don't love me back. I'm okay with that. I'd rather you not say it than say it and not mean it or feel pressured into saying it."

Harry didn't know what to say or what to do. It was a lot to process, but, at the same time, it wasn't. Like, after these past couple months, this just felt like a natural progression in their relationship. He didn't know if he was ready to say it back, though. Harry had a feeling that ever since he started sleeping with Louis regularly, there was something more than simply favoring Louis going on in his heart. Something was building. A warmth. A feeling that he'd probably cry if he'd every lost. It was like Louis had become the Adonis to his Aphrodite. There was no way he'd be able to say it back at that particular moment. He's made a lot of personal progress, but not that much.

So, instead, he just kissed Louis, rough and hard. Teeth clashing. Like, he was putting all that he couldn't vocalize into the kiss. Louis kissed back with the same energy. Harry knew that he understood what was going on his brain. And he was okay with it. God, Louis was just so perfect.

When they pulled back, Louis let out a laugh, touching their foreheads together. "I really didn't want for this moment to be so cheesy." Harry also laughed.

"How can saying I love you for the first time not be cheesy?" Harry asked with a smile on his face when he pulled his face back.

Louis shrugged. "Maybe just casually slip it in or something. I don't know." They looked at each other for a few moments. "How would you feel about a date night tonight?"

Harry's face lit up with a smile. They hadn't had one of those nights in a while. "I would like that. We could just go see a movie?"

Louis nodded and stood up, holding out his hand for Harry who took it gratefully. "Let's choose the one with the worst sounding title." Harry smiled.

^^^^^

Harry waited in the waiting room for his therapist to be done with her other session. There was nobody else in the room to entertain him, only the weird jazz music playing over the speakers. He liked his therapist; she just had a bad choice in music. He started seeing her only once every two weeks now, instead of every week. There was a lot of progress that had been made, and he had almost considered cancelling his sessions in general when he realized that he wasn't completely fixed when Louis told him that he loved him. Progress could still be made.

Only a couple minutes later the client walked out, and a few moments after that, his therapist poked her head out to call Harry in.

"How are you doing today, Harry?" she asked with a kind smile when they both were seated in their designated seats.

Harry smiled. "I'm doing really good. I've been really happy." His therapist flicked her eyes back up to him from the paper she'd been writing on. "Not that I've ever been unhappy," he reassured, "but I've been really, really happy."

"Why's that?"

She knew who Louis was, and they talked about him a lot. It was probably their main topic. "Louis and I have just been doing really good lately. The other day, actually, he said he loved me."

"Oh." She looked at him for a few moments as if trying to gauge any sort of reaction. "How did it come up?" Harry was glad she never asked the typical "How do you feel about that" question.

Harry coughed and told her the story of how it happened. Her face remained neutral, another thing he liked about her.

"Do you think it's going to change your relationship?" she asked inquisitively.

Harry thought for a moment. "Do you think it should?"

"No, unless you want it to. I think if you're both comfortable with where you're at in the relationship, then why change it? But, at the same time, if you're both comfortable with moving forward, then you should have that discussion," she suggested, leaving the decision up to Harry. "Are you scared of moving forward, Harry?" Her pen was ready.

Harry didn't really expect the question, even though he should have. There was something that was just fun about where they were at. Having no labels to worry about. No expectations were relaxing. There wasn't anything to live up to, or even fail at because there wasn't anything defined. They definitely acted like a couple, there was no doubt about it. But would having a label actually change anything?

Harry sighed. "I suppose I am. A bit, at least. I think I'm just scared of it all happening again. Like the breakup," he explained.

His therapist observed him for a moment. "Are you able to trust fall with anyone?" she asked, seemingly out of nowhere.

Harry thought the question deserved a bit of a laugh, but he quickly composed himself. "Well, uh, I don't really remember ever trying it." He was still a bit confused.

"Before next session, I would like you to try it. With Louis, with someone else. Just see if you're able to fall back into someone's arms."

Harry nodded, still confused. "Okay, I'll try it." He really didn't see the point in it, but it sounded simple enough.

Well, it sounded simple enough. But actually doing it was an entirely different issue.

There was a day where Harry was doing some work (his work mostly consisted of paperwork now), and Louis was strumming a few chords on his guitar. Louis sat on the chest he had at the foot of the bed, and Harry was up near the headboard, when memories from the last session came strolling into his brain. He supposed there was no better time than now.

"Hey, Lou, are you, like, really busy right now?" Harry asked.

He shook his head and put down the guitar. "No, just messing around. What's up?"

"I wanna try something." He stood up from the bed, and Louis followed, an eyebrow raised. Harry walked closer to the bigger space in the room, which was also closer to Louis. "I wanna try trust falling."

Louis laughed a bit, since the request was so simple and easy. "Okay, sure. Turn around." And, so Harry did. Louis held out his arms, of course Harry couldn't see that. "Okay, I'm ready," he said as he widened his stance. He mostly expected Harry to just fall back right then, but it took a few moments for him to prepare. There were a few deep breaths visibly taken. "Just fall back, I got you." And a few moments later, Harry fell back.

But not before quickly throwing his leg back to catch himself. His heart thumped loudly as he stood up straight again, a little daunted. This was a bit harder than it seemed. "Uh, try again?" Maybe it was just instinctual. He could do this.

"Okay, still ready, Haz," Louis assured him.

He fell back again. And caught himself again. "Shit," Harry mumbled, and Louis barely caught it. It suddenly dawned on him what this was about, and Louis' heart sank a bit.

"How 'bout we try again?" Louis paced closer to Harry and lightly kissed the back of his shoulder. Louis could almost see the disappointment through Harry's body language. He felt bad for laughing earlier. "What if I stand a bit closer?" Louis asked, hoping that if Harry knew the fall would be shorter, he'd feel more comfortable. He didn't wait for Harry's response, only said, "Okay, ready."

Harry tried falling back again but only caught himself quicker. He ran his fingers roughly through his hair. Louis felt a bit like tearing up at the obvious frustration. Harry plopped himself down where Louis was sitting earlier and put his face in his hands.

"Hey," Louis said and sat down next to him, rubbing his thigh, trying to comfort the boy. "It's okay, not everyone can do it at first." Harry's head didn't move. "Okay, why don't you try catching me?"

It took a few moments before Harry's eyes peeked out as he nodded. Hopefully this will only help. They both resumed their positions, only switched. "I'm ready," Harry said lightly, Louis almost didn't hear it. Louis fell, his back straight. He felt Harry's arms around his sides. His heart thumped with a bit of adrenaline; he hasn't done that since he was a kid. Harry quickly pushed him to a standing position.

"That's all it is, Haz. Nothing to worry about," Louis smiled, hoping it would reassure him. He walked around to Harry's back. "I got you; I'm ready." But this time, Harry only stood there. He didn't even appear to be mentally preparing himself. If Louis would bet, he'd bet on the fact that tears of disappointment were leaking into his eyes. "Okay," Louis started and put his hands on Harry's upper arms, "why don't we try this in front of a mirror? You could watch yourself fall." Louis shuffled them over to his closet doors, which were mirrors. He got very close behind Harry, trying to make the distance between them as small as possible. Louis put his arms out. "See, I'm ready to catch you." Louis could see the different emotions flash in Harry's eyes as he looked at the two of them in the mirror. It was a bit disheartening to watch. For Harry, the most frustrating part was the fact that even if Louis did catch him, the fall wouldn't hurt; they were on carpet. He just simply couldn't get himself to stop catching himself. Harry took a deep breath and fell back. He almost screamed when his leg still managed to jump out behind him, even when Louis was so close. Louis came up behind him and rubbed his arm, trying to comfort him. "We could try again, if you'd like?" he asked quietly. "Maybe we could move the crate behind you knees, so you can't step back." Louis just had to reach up to play with Harry's curls. The disappointment on his face just killed Louis.

Harry nodded, so the two of them pushed the crate next to the mirror (it was heavy, and Louis owned a lot of shoes). They lined Harry up, so the backs of his knees were touching it. This way, only his upper body could move, and Louis doubted Harry would be able to move the crate with only a kick back. He'd be forced to fall.

When Harry fell back this time, he could tell his right leg wanted to catch himself, but he couldn't. So, his upper body fell back into Louis' arms. He did it. With a bit of a handicap but still, he did it. Louis thought the smile on Harry's face was worth everything. "Again?" Harry asked soon after Louis pushed him up. Louis smiled and nodded. Harry was successful again the second time, the third time, and the fourth time. And, at this point, Louis' arms were beginning to tire out, and he wanted to call it quits until Harry suggested trying it without the crate. So, Louis complied, and they both pushed it back.

Louis could tell that Harry was more nervous as his shoulder moved up and down when he breathed. "Just imagine you have the crate behind you. I got you." So, Harry fell back with less hesitation.

And, still caught himself. He groaned loudly in frustration. Harry very ungracefully plopped himself on the bed.

"Harry, talk to me, love," Louis said as he sat down and rubbed Harry's shin.

Harry groaned loudly again, a bit more dramatic, and Louis resisted the urge to laugh. "I just don't fucking trust anything, and it's so frustrating." Harry covered his eyes with the crook of his elbow. And, oh, that's what this was about. Louis figured, but actually hearing Harry admitting that he still doesn't trust was a different experience. "I thought I made so much progress, you know. I even gave you the book. I thought that was my problem, but, no, it's so much worse than that."

Louis' heart broke a bit, but he really didn't know if it was for his sake or Harry's. "Babe, the fact that you've made any progress is amazing, and you should be so proud of yourself."

"It's been months!" Harry yelled, and Louis flinched, taking his hand off of Harry for a moment because he's never yelled, ever. "Fuck, I'm sorry, Lou. I don't mean to yell." Harry instantly went soft and tried to cuddle up to Louis' side, and he obviously let him.

"You're just frustrated, I know," Louis whispered into the top of Harry's head. "All of this takes time, okay? There's no right or wrong amount of time. And, honestly, who the fuck cares about a trust fall? I don't think it proves anything. Maybe your reflexes are just amazing." Harry laughed. "All that matters is how much progress you think you've made, not what some stupid exercise says."

Harry nodded into Louis' shoulder. "Thank you."

Louis kissed the top of his head. "And for the record, I think you've made amazing progress." That earned him a kiss.

There was something more that was frustrating to Harry, though. It had been two weeks since Louis told Harry that he loved him. And he hasn't said it again. Harry knew that it had to have had broken Louis' heart a bit when he didn't say it back, and the fact that he still hasn't said it back. And Harry knew it was a bit selfish, but he wanted to hear Louis say it again and again. But saying it would break Louis' heart, and Harry just felt so shitty about that. He wouldn't be done with his "progress" until he finally told Louis that he was in love with him.

That night was not a LouisandHarry night. Harry had simply chosen to go sleep in his own bedroom because he couldn't be around Louis without feeling so guilty. Louis missed him that night and couldn't fall asleep because he just felt so bad about the situation. He felt like he derailed Harry's progress by saying that he loved him. So, when he finally admitted defeat in the battle with sleep, he rolled over and turned on his bedside lamp. He quickly found Harry's book, still on his nightstand from when he last touched it.

By the time his eyes started to droop close, Louis finally understood why Harry had so much trouble allowing him to read this.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *slight trigger warnings since there are mentions of suicide and murder in harry's book*
> 
> they put a label on things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone, thank you so much for reading this, and i hope you enjoy it!! kudos and comments are always appreciated, as well as constructive criticism 
> 
> (btw this is almost finished with like four chapters left)

Louis set his alarm. On a Sunday. Solely to finish reading Harry's book. Which he did. Before he could hear noise coming from the kitchen.

And, now, he was beginning to understand why Harry didn't want him reading this. But at the same time, he didn't understand. There was no way that Louis would ever think that Harry actually had his characters thoughts. He was mature enough to know the difference between an author and a character. Harry wasn't terrifying.

The book was terrifying. And Louis found himself clutching his chest, tears dripping out of him as he read the ending. Louis didn't know how or when the book made such a turn of events, but it did so suddenly. It was so gut-wrenching, the way it ended. Harry had such a beautiful way with words that every syllable ripped another tear out of him.

Louis was still in the process of wiping his eyes when he heard a soft knock at the door, as if Harry didn't want to wake him up but enough to get his attention if he were awake. He wiped his eyes roughly before answering, "Yeah?" And, fuck, the voice that came out was not his.

"Can I come in?" he heard Harry ask from the other side of the door. He'd never asked before. That was another thing he learned about Harry. He usually just barged into places without thinking, especially when he'd just woken up, as he learned that one fateful morning.

"Yeah," Louis said as he fanned his eyes a bit more, trying to make the tears go away.

Harry walked in hesitantly, like he already knew something. His face quickly turned into worry though when he saw Louis. "Are you okay?" Louis gave him a pointed look. It took a few seconds before it dawned on him. It was laying out on the bed, flipped to the last page. "You finished the book, didn't you?" he asked quietly like he was afraid to know the answer.

"No shit, Sherlock." Louis sniffed one last time before deciding to give up.

"I...um..." Harry stood there with his arms crossed behind his back. He looked like a kid waiting to get scolded by his parents.

Louis let out an ironic laugh at the situation. "I don't know what to say either, Harry. I mean, it was really fucking good. But, I don't know what to say."

Harry's lips were pursed, and he'd now leant his weight on one foot. "I made some tea," he whispered. What else was he supposed to say? Louis nodded, letting Harry know that he wanted some. He disappeared, and Louis tried to plan out some type of conversation. This obviously meant so much to him. Louis didn't really know what the big deal was, but if Harry needed to talk, they would.

He came back a few moments later with two cups in each hand; he handed one to Louis as he sat down on the bed.

Louis tried to plan a conversation out in his head, but he had no clue where to start this. "So, uh, choking during sex? How'd you come up with that one?"

Louis wouldn't have asked the question if he knew how red Harry was going to get. He looked so embarrassed, and Louis felt so bad. But Harry didn't answer the question. "Does it change how you look at me?" It had been a question he'd been dying to ask since he met Louis.

Louis only furrowed his eyebrows. "No, not at all, love. You're still the adorable and cheeky Harry Styles I know." Harry still didn't look satisfied or reassured. "I know that it's the character, not you." Louis searched his face for any type of reaction, but Harry refused to make eye contact. "Harry, anyone that knows you would say that you wouldn't hurt a fly, okay? You're just an amazing writer that has an amazing ability to use his voice. There's no need to worry about me seeing you any different." He didn't get anything in response. "Come here." Louis held out his arms, and Harry crawled from the other side of the bed into them. "I missed you last night." Harry only buried his head further into Louis' chest in response. He was okay with that because he knew Harry was feeling small and soft. "I know that this was scary, but I'm really proud of you, Haz. You've come so far." He felt Harry nod. "Now, I'm still tired, so how about we go back to sleep." He felt Harry smile. The tea was long discarded on the nightstand.

When Louis woke up, Harry was wrapped closer than he'd ever been before. He quickly glanced at the clock and saw that it was gaining on noon. Damn, they really slept for a while. Louis tried to wiggle out of Harry's grasp without waking him up. Alas, that seemed impossible. It was just that Harry was so much bigger, and he had half his body on top of Louis'.

There was no way he was doing this without waking Harry up, so he simply shook Harry awake without a gentle hand instead of scaring him out of his sleep. "Love, wake up." Harry grunted, but Louis just shook him again.

"What?" Harry asked with a grumpy tone. Louis laughed lightly.

"It's noon, time to get up." Harry only groaned again and rolled over. Well, at least Louis was free. Harry still didn't budge, even when Louis stood up. "Harryyyyyy." Louis stepped with one foot on the bed, and then another until he stood on the bed. He gently started bouncing which only irritated Harry further, making him pull the blankets up and over his face, but Louis only collapsed on top of him. "Get uppppp."

"Why?" Louis heard from a muffled voice.

He frowned. "Did you not sleep last night?" Louis asked. He gently pulled the covers back from Harry' face who finally opened his eyes and shook his head. "Are you feeling okay?" Louis felt Harry's forehead, but he only shoved his hand off.

"I'm fine. 'M just tired." This was new to Louis. He learned that he should probably not wake Harry up any more. Lesson learned.

Louis frowned again. "Okay, how about you stay while I shower, and then we could go out to lunch because I am very hungry." Harry sighed but only nodded his head. Louis would get to the bottom of what was going on with Harry.

When he was done with the shower, Louis came back to his room in only his towel tied around his hips. Because he knew Harry would still be in bed, and this had now turned into a game for Louis.

And, he was right.

He rolled his eyes and walked over to Harry, poking his cheeks. "Harry, get up." His voice was stern this time. "What. Is. Wrong." Louis emphasized each word with a poke to his cheek.

"Stop." Harry's voice was stern back.

"Harry. Look at me." Louis pulled one of Harry's eyelids back, a childish move, but Harry was acting pretty similar. Harry slapped his hand away and finally opened his eyes. Louis noticed his eyes flick down to his half naked body. "Is something wrong?"

Harry knew he was acting childish. He knew he should just man up and talk to Louis, tell him what he was feeling. And that he should do it soon before Louis starts getting mad.

Harry finally sat up. "You being naked isn't helping," he said and reached a hand to Louis' covered dick, but he shrieked and shuffled backwards. Harry giggled. Louis moved around the bed, still careful to be at arm's length from Harry. He dropped his towel from his waist and bent over to retrieve some clothes from his drawers. "Really?" Louis could hear the scoff in his tone.

He giggled and moved his hips back and forth. "Like what you see?" Harry only rolled his eyes, but Louis definitely caught his not-so-subtle crossing of his legs.

When he was dressed, he sat back down on the bed next to Harry. "Okay, seriously, Haz, what's going on?"

Harry didn't want to tell Louis because he didn't want to make him feel worse about his family situation. Because Harry's didn't compare at all, but he still felt upset about it.

"It's nothing," Harry looked away.

"Harry, you're obviously upset about something. That's not nothing."

Harry only sighed, gaining him a look from Louis. "Fine. It's just family stuff," he said quickly. Whenever Harry did this, Louis couldn't help but to resort back to thinking that Harry didn't trust him. He knew it was a bit selfish to do so, but it's where their relationship went wrong, both times. So, Louis raised his eyebrow, hoping he'd get the hint.

"I'll take my clothes off again if you tell me," Louis suggested.

"You know like that first time we talked, and I told you that you were manipulative." Louis nodded, wide-eyed with humor. "Well, you're still manipulative." Louis laughed, he could tell Harry was getting annoyed with him.

"C'monnn, I hate seeing you like this," Louis pouted.

Which made Harry kind of realize that Louis was genuinely concerned for him. That he didn't want him to feel like shit. "I didn't sleep last night because I got a call from Gemma." Louis racked his brain for any recollection of that name. Oh, right, Harry's sister. "And, she'd been dating this guy for a while. They met at uni, different one from where I went. Anyways, she'd visit home a lot because it was closer, and I only came back during the holidays." Harry paused for a moment, trying to remember his thoughts. "Okay, that detail was pointless." Louis chuckled a bit. "Anyways again, her boyfriend went home during the holidays, so I just never met him. And, she just called me to tell me that he proposed to her. And I feel like shit because I've never met him, and I feel like I'm missing everything," he explained the last part quickly.

Louis felt bad for the boy, and he could definitely understand where he was coming from. He wrapped an arm around Harry's chest. "Why didn't you just say anything?"

Harry shrugged. "It just feels like I'm complaining about nothing compared to what you went through." Well, at least that made sense.

"Harry, your mind never ceases to amaze me." He only looked at Louis with a bewildered look. "You should never have to worry about telling me something just because you think it'll upset me. Got it?" Harry nodded. "Are you still upset over last night?"

He shook his head. "Not really. It's more annoying that I couldn't trust fall with you than anything. Like you said, maybe I just have really amazing instincts." They both laughed even though they knew it wasn't true. Harry was the clumsiest person.

When they went out to lunch (Harry was finally feeling better), they decided on a new Mexican restaurant that had just opened down the street.

They observed the menu for a few moments before Louis asked, "Do you wanna just share the corn salad, babe?"

Harry nodded. "Sounds good."

When their food came to the table, the waiter placed it in the middle of the table. They both had to lean a bit out of their chairs, and their feet collided. Smiles showed up one their faces as they looked at one another and decided to keep their feet where they were.

Harry took the first bite. "Hmm. This is really good." Louis took one and agreed.

Louis looked over at the owner that was going around to some tables. "He's cute, don't you think?" Harry furrowed his eyebrows and looked where Louis was looking. Well, he was, but that didn't mean Louis needed to announce it.

"I guess," Harry mumbled, taking another bite, refusing to look over at the guy again.

Harry was dreading it when he made their way over to their table. He had his eyes on Louis the entire time.

"Everything good here, guys?" the owner asked. A fantastic smile on his face.

"Really great. Thanks," Louis smiled widely, not even once glancing at Harry.

"Anything else I could get you?" Harry finally looked up to the owner who was staring directly at him. Harry slowly shook his head, feeling a bit caught. "Awesome. Let us know if you need anything else?" He left, but not without a wink in Harry's direction.

Harry turned back to Louis. Anger gone and replaced by confusion.

"Please tell me you saw him giving you eyes all the way across the restaurant?" Louis asked, grabbing a chip and plopping it in his mouth.

"What? No, he wasn't," Harry argued.

Louis raised his eyebrows and smirked. "Go talk to him."

Okay, now Harry was extra confused. "Why would I?" His voice was slower now. Louis shrugged. "You're telling me to go talk to another guy right in front of you?"

"Well, yeah. It's not like we're exclusive or anything." Louis simply shrugged again.

Harry let out a breathy laugh. "Manipulative little shit." Louis started laughing, glad Harry finally caught on. Harry lightly kicked him under the table. This day was full of emotions he wasn't sure he was prepared for. This though. This one was going to be the hardest. "Okay, exclusivity is the topic of the hour. How do we feel about that, Mr. Tomlinson?" Had he had alcohol? Why did he have an announcer's voice? Was this how nervous he was?

Louis giggled. "I feel very good about that, Mr. Styles," Louis responded in an equally silly voice.

"How long were you planning this?" Harry asked, a smile still present on his face.

Louis shrugged. "When I saw him giving you heart-eyes."

Harry smiled. "So you wanna be exclusive?"

"Yeah. I want you to be mine."

"And you're mine," Harry assured.

Well, that's how they had that discussion.

"I don't want it to turn out like it did last time, though. Or the time before that," Louis said honestly.

Harry agreed. "I don't want a label to change us, because I like where we're at right now. I think that's what I'm most worried about."

Louis took Harry's hand in his own from across the table. "Okay, then it won't." They both smiled at each other.

Harry suddenly turned serious for a moment. "I think that's what we both thought the two times we tried. What's gonna make this time any different?"

Louis put his chin in his hands and leaned forward on the table. "Look, neither of us are perfect. We know that. We're gonna make mistakes. Shit's gonna hit the fan sometimes. But we're both adults, and we'll learn how to deal with it as they come. We've been doing this for months, a label isn't gonna change anything. Besides, I'm your Adonis, remember?" Louis smirked, recalling that one time Harry said it was his favorite allusion but was only joking, hoping for him to catch on.

"Took you a while," Harry said, smiling.

"I remembered it when I saw it in your book. Had to look it up, then," Louis shrugged as if it meant nothing to him.

There was something about this time that Harry didn't feel the two other times before. Comfort. He felt comfortable with Louis. He knew who Louis was. They knew each other. They knew little quirks that they would never had noticed if this whole life thing wouldn't have happened.

And there was also that whole love thing that Harry just wanted to scream out all the fucking time but just couldn't bring himself to. He knew he loved Louis. There was no doubt about. He could practically feel the hearts coming out of his eyes every time he looked at him. The fluttering in his chest, the rumble in his tummy. Harry's whole body felt like he was in love. Every time they touched, even just hands, the tips of Harry's fingers would go weak with a type of numbing pain that just screamed out, wanting more. Almost if they were still trying to reach for more. He'd never heard anyone describe that type of feeling in the tips of his fingers, but maybe that's what love was. Unique to each person.

"Harry?" he finally heard, snapping him out of his thoughts. Harry looked to Louis with attentive eyes. (It was like he could feel his pupils dilating). "The question I asked you earlier was a serious question." Harry furrowed his eyebrows and tilted his head, wracking his brain. Oh yeah.

Harry coughed. This was awkward. He almost wished he had the ability to tell Louis that he loved him, so that Louis would know his trust for him. Without those three words, it didn't appear that Harry trusted him to the best of his ability. They both knew that. "The choking thing, right. Why she choked him to death." Harry cringed a bit, both at his awkwardness and the way he worded that, it sounded so heartless. "There was a part in the book where the character asks herself what could be more intimate than the most intimate act, obviously sex," he explained with his hands moving all about. "Well, I wanted to play off that when she figured out what she considered to be more intimate than sex, dying together. So if they died together during sex, then that was the ultimate act of intimacy."

Louis looked confused though, like he had more questions. "Right, but only he died during the actual sex. She hanged herself after they had sex."

Harry smiled. "That's the point I was trying to get across. That she believed if they died so close together than they'd live together for the rest of time. But, in reality, in my head, the way it would play out is that he would go to some type of heaven, whatever, and she'd go to the equivalent of hell. The important part is that they wouldn't be together in the end."

Louis nodded, like he was satisfied with that answer. Before he got a chance to respond, the waiter came by with their check (which Louis picked up because he was still in debt for the plane ticket, which Harry rolled his eyes at).

"So, Styles, what do you think is the theme of your story. What's the important message?" Louis asked, with an announcer voice, playing off of what Harry sounded like earlier.

Harry smirked. "I'm not going to tell you because then it'll ruin what your message is."

Louis rolled his eyes and shook his head. "I should've known you were going to say something like that." They observed each other quietly for a few moments. "So, Thanksgiving's coming up soon, about a month. Are you gonna celebrate it with us? And by us, I mean, me, Liam, and Zayn."

Harry thought for a moment. He kinda forgot about that major American holiday. "I have a question." Louis looked at him to continue. "So how did all three of you happen to be British?"

Louis couldn't help the small laugh that escaped his lips. It was such a silly question. "We all went to NYU and were placed into the dorms that housed students from other countries. I was roommates with Liam, and Zayn lived across the hall."

That was another thing that, for Harry, was extremely concerning. The whole friends thing which he didn't have any. Well, there was Niall, but he was in a different country, so a whole good that does. Then he has Zayn and Liam, but they've been a lot to themselves lately because apparently Louis is a really good matchmaker. There was a slight feeling of jealousy within Harry since Louis was practically handed friends when he came here.

"So, Thanksgiving, Haz?" Louis asked, once again interrupting Harry from his thoughts.

Harry nodded. "Yeah. Sounds fun." He smiled a more pained smile than anything, and since Louis didn't say anything, he assumed it fooled him.

"Oh, and by the way, none of us know how the fuck to make a turkey, so we just get some turkey sandwiches and call it a lad's night." They both burst out laughing.

^^^^^

It was a couple days later when Harry received the email that his publishing house would be throwing a Thanksgiving party the day before the actual holiday. Harry RSVP'd without checking his schedule because it's been quite blank for a bit. He didn't even have any meetings to go to because everything's been figured out until the actual release. Which was going to be in about two weeks, and it was fucking stressing him out like no other. That was all him and Louis would talk about lately because it was just a constant thought.

He supposed that maybe that helped him get into the swing of things with Louis because he didn't over think about their relationship. Which hasn't changed at all with the new addition of a label as boyfriends. Granted, it's been two days, but still.

Harry also felt like a housewife. (Maybe he should audition for the Real Housewives of New York City because he doesn't do anything). So, he's just stuck with his thoughts, alone because Louis had an actual job. And everyone else had an actual job.

Okay, maybe he was a little bitter, but it would be over eventually.

That's why he didn't RSVP a plus one to the Thanksgiving party. He wanted to at least attempt at having a social life that didn't solely revolve around Louis. And he's just gonna hope that Louis wouldn't be mad about that.

His phone started buzzing a few moments later. It was a Facetime from his sister. He quickly answered, excited to talk to Gemma.

"Hey, Gem!" Harry answered when he saw a picture of her smiling face appear on the screen.

"Hey, little bro. I've missed you!" she said and took a double take at where Harry was. "Where are you, H?" (She couldn't help but be nosy. This was her little brother for god's sake).

That's the thing. Up to now, Harry was always very good about either being outside for facetimes with his family or standing in front of a blank, white wall. But this time, it completely slipped his mind. His family didn't exactly know that he had moved in with Louis. And he especially didn't want them to know since they have knowledge about their relationship. But he also didn't want to admit that he got kicked out of his apartment.

"Oh, uh, just a friend's place," he lied.

Alas, there was no lying with Gemma. "Louis' place you mean?" She smirked and looked off camera for a split second. Harry rolled his eyes but couldn't help the blush that spread across his cheeks. "Sooooo where is he?"

Cue another eye roll. "No."

Gemma faked being offended by throwing her hand on her chest. "What do you mean "no", Harry?"

Harry stuck out his tongue. "He isn't here anyways," he teased.

Gemma raised an eyebrow. "So, you're just holding down the fort?"

He shrugged. "Suppose."

"Whatever," she sing-songed. "I have someone for you to meet," she said as she smiled at someone off camera. "This is Michal. Oh, wait, just look at this ring!" She shoved the ring against the camera. Harry really couldn't see it, but said something about how pretty it was anyways. He could hear Michal laughing off camera as Gemma finally handed him the phone.

"Hey, Harry. It's nice to finally meet you," Michal said as he waved into the camera. Okay, first impression, not bad. He looked pretty nice anyways. Harry smiled back. Meeting someone on facetime, for the first time, is really freaking awkward. "How's New York going?"

"It's been really good, yeah," he said, sparing the details.

"Cool. Gemma said something about you going on a book-signing tour," he said, popping a grape into his mouth.

Louis announced himself when he came through the door making Harry internally curse. "Michal! Give me the phone. Was that Louis?" Gemma asked, shoving the camera way too close to her face.

Harry hid his face in his hand. Louis plopped down next to him with a smile on his face. "Yes, this is Louis," he said with so much humor in his voice that Harry wanted to cry. Louis took the laptop from Harry's lap. "Is this the famous Gemma?"

"I love him already." Gemma fanned herself off.

There was a "Ay, not around me," heard somewhere off camera. Presumably, Michal.

Louis only laughed. "You should see Harry's face right now," he said, causing them both to laugh. Harry stood up from the couch to go pout somewhere else. "Haz, come back." He only laughed, though. "Anyways, it was nice to meet you. I'll give you back to Harry." Louis stood up and followed Harry wherever he went. Into the bedroom (their bedroom), not that they apartment was so huge he wouldn't be able to find him.

Gemma piped back up. "Oh, Louis, did you hear about Harry's book tour thing? Isn't it so exciting?" Louis smiled because Gemma was such a supportive sister, and it reminded him of his own.

"Yeah, he texted me about it earlier. Really proud of him," he said, making eye contact with Harry from across the room. "You should be so excited to read it, it's amazing." He smiled.

Gemma only smiled in response. "Anyways. It's getting really late here, we should go. It was nice meeting you, Louis." She waved and kissed the camera.

Michal took the phone back. "Harry, if you can hear this," he started whispering into the microphone, (Louis had to laugh because he loved them already), "it was nice meeting you."

Louis held the microphone and whispered, "Harry also says it was nice meeting you. Bye-bye." He hung up the phone only to smile widely at Harry. "Well, you finally met him." Louis smiled even wider as he crawled onto the bed next to Harry.

"He seems nice," Harry said with a slight glare on his face.

Louis laughed. "Calm down. He's fine." He kissed the top of Harry's head. "I bet Gemma's feeling pretty close to how you're feeling, but about me," he pointed out. Harry shrugged. "So book signing? I'm so proud, Haz."

Harry smiled. "Yeah. So they talked about doing signings, at first, at the obscure, indie bookstores around New York. And they said if it picks up, then I could go to Los Angeles, or even London."

Louis had the widest smile that Harry's ever seen on him. "That's amazing." He brushed some of Harry's curls around his face.

"So, there's this Thanksgiving party for work the day before Thanksgiving that I'm going to go to," Harry said.

Louis nodded. "Okay. I'm excited for you."

Harry was glad Louis didn't ask to go.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a lot goes down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone! this chapter is super long (13k) so enjoy haha. i will be posting the rest of the fic's chapters within the coming minutes, so look out for those! i hope you enjoy this chapter ;) as always, kudos, comments, and constructive criticism are welcome! all the love, cassidy.

Love existed everywhere. Absolutely in every single nook and cranny that Harry could think of. There wasn't a single spot in that apartment that didn't remind him of Louis. The empty coffee cup that seemed to appear out of nowhere every single time he had work despite Harry washing it every single day. The steam that rolled out the crack in the door when Louis showered. The instruments scattered throughout the apartment that Louis picked up randomly. The way that the other side bed was rumpled in Harry's bed for the first time.

Love. Love. Love. The only thing that Harry could think of.

His heart strings pulled to Louis' like they've never before. They reached as far as they could to Louis and tied with Louis' own to create the Gordian Knot.

Louis didn't know though. He didn't know that every time Louis brushed by Harry, he would feel his knees buckle. Every time that Louis touched him, he only wanted more and more, never could get enough. Louis had no idea.

There were never any other 'I love you's' spoken by Louis, and Harry did feel bad.

All it was were three simple words.

But those three simple words held Harry's entire soul. The last of what he had until he completely gave himself over to Louis. The last soldier left.

He needed to keep those last words to himself. Maybe it was in order to keep himself feeling like himself. Like these were the last of his heart strings that kept his heart completely his own. Harry and Louis hadn't joined yet as one. They were themselves still because Harry wanted to hang on to those three strings. Louis had completely given himself over to Harry, but Harry hadn't completely given himself over to Louis.

"You look fantastic, love," Louis said as he walked into the bedroom (their bedroom). Harry turned around from where he tied his tie in the mirror.

"Thank you," Harry blushed and glanced at his feet. He was wearing a plain black suit with a small decal at the bottom of the pants.

Louis opened up his arms for Harry to walk into. He gladly accepted the cuddle. Harry leaned down into Louis' chest, trying to make himself as small as possible. Louis wrapped his arms around Harry's waist and around the back of his neck, only trying to give Harry as much comfort as possible. "Are you nervous?" Louis asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I...Yeah." Harry finally stood up from Louis' chest, but he kept his hands still connected to Louis. He thought about just playing it cool, but this was Harry being honest to the best of his ability.

Louis gave him a small, sad smile. "I don't blame you, love. But, look, you're going to impress everyone at that party. Blow their socks off." Harry let out a small chuckle, still looking down at his feet.

See, the thing was that it was the day before Thanksgiving, and it was the party for the publishing house. He knew people from higher up in the company, even higher than Irving, would be there. And he also knew that all eyes would be on him tonight. Afterall, he has a book debuting in five days.

Five days.

All that he's worked for in the past few years are all depending on this one day to go well.

Practically for this one night to go well, too. He had to impress people, and that meant coming off as charming and personable, which he was not.

Louis started talking again, causing his thoughts to freeze. "Maybe I'll give you a different type of blow if I hear you do well." Louis wiggled his eyebrows up and down.

Harry only wanted to throw back his head in laughter, but he bit his lip. "Now I'm counting on it." 

Louis stepped back with a hand over his chest. "Oh, Styles, you better bet on it." He came closer and massaged Harry's ass in his hands, giving it a quick slap as soon as Harry stepped away. "This will be continued when I get back."

Harry gave him a once over before stepping out of the room. And, yeah, there was definitely a growing indent in Louis' jeans. He suddenly couldn't wait for this night to be over.

Before Harry completely left the apartment, Louis yelled, "Text me when you're almost home."

.

^^^^^

"Ah, Mr. Styles. Man of the hour." Irving had instantly greeted him with a glass of champagne. They toasted by quickly touching their glasses together. "Welcome."

"Thank you. It's nice to see you," Harry said. Irving smiled like he was looking at his own son that just scored a touchdown.

"Remember, this is not only a Thanksgiving feast but also to celebrate you and your future success with us." Harry definitely took notice of how Irving's cheeks were a bit pink. "Oh, I must introduce you to a few people. Come along."

For about the next hour, Harry followed around Irving like a lost puppy. Granted, Harry was very grateful for being able to meet such powerful people in the industry, but he barely got a word in.

It wasn't until Jeff showed up that Harry felt like an important person.

"My dad, he gets like this at parties. Most of us have learned by now." Jeff shrugged, reaching out to pat Harry on the shoulder. "Here, I want you to meet someone."

Jeff led him through the crowd of people. Irving, himself, had hosted the party, and he was not being very modest about his penthouse. There were tons of people scattered about in every room. Even one was tinkling notes on the baby grand piano. There were random small statues skewed about the main room. Harry really had to look where he was going. Not to mention, everyone looked like they had stepped straight out of a designer shop. But not Harry. No, he got his from thrift shopping, so, no, it didn't fit him totally correct.

Jeff stopped when he reached a woman with cropped hair and a short stature. He gently touched her shoulder which caused her to turn. They made eye contact and instantly smiled at each other.

"Harry, this is Sarah Perry."

Harry's mind instantly did a whirlwind. Charming, he could be charming. "Author of The Essex Serpent. Nice to meet you." Harry tried as best he could to stay calm, but he knew his palms were sweating when he held out his hand.

She looked to Jeff after they released each other. "So you must be the Harry I keep hearing about." Her eyes crinkled up, and her familiar accent floated through Harry's ears, reminding him of home. And Louis.

Jeff jumped him. "Yes, I had an instinct that he had read your book." He smiled, clearly relieved that he was right.

"Your style has inspired me so much." He beamed.

She only waved a hand. "Thank you. I've gotten a bit of a sneak peak of your book, and, wow, Harry, you are going to go many places." She smiled.

"Thank you. Really, your book is truly one of my favorites," he smiled, still feeling shaking. He was definitely fangirling a bit.

She leaned in and gave Harry a quick hug. "Thank you, Harry. I can't wait for Monday. It was a pleasure meeting you." She smiled before walking away in the opposite direction.

Jeff turned to him. "Thank God I was right," he breathed out. This relaxed atmosphere was giving the two a friendlier vibe than normal. Harry laughed. "I also thought you might appreciate hearing an accent from England since you haven't been home." Harry blushed a bit because it seemed like Jeff was keeping slight tabs on him. There was also a smirk that couldn't help but form on his lips. "What?" Jeff asked with a smile.

Harry shook his head and took a sip of his drink.

"Is there someone I need to know about?" Suddenly, Harry looked drunker than Irving. He shook his head. "You've got a special someone that came with you to New York?" he asked, almost surprised.

Harry shook his head. This time more seriously because that wasn't true. "No, I mean..." He looked to Jeff for any sort of confirmation that this conversation was inappropriate between client and agent. "There is a someone that I met here, though," Harry confirmed.

"And? Why aren't they here tonight?" Jeff asked, a bit too nosey in Harry's opinion.

And that was something that Harry certainly did not have an answer for. He racked his brain for anything he could come up with that wasn't the truth. He wasn't about to tell his agent that he wanted friends separate from his significant other because he was lonely. "Busy. With a friend." Which was a really awkward response.

Jeff nodded, taking the response, anyways. "And their name?"

Harry waited for that one. Although, he did take notice that Jeff hadn't used any gender specific pronouns, which he appreciated. "Louis. His name's Louis." Harry couldn't help the small blush that returned to his cheeks once again (it was like welcoming an old friend) at the thought of their last conversation.

Jeff didn't mention anything about the fact that Harry was dating a guy. He only smiled. "Well, I can't wait to meet him. We should get drinks some time," he suggested, taking a sip from his own drink. It looked harder than Harry's own champagne.

"Yeah, that would be fun," Harry smiled. Well, he did come here to socialize, and nobody else was near his age, so this would be the best he'd be getting.

After a few moments, everyone heard a small tinkling sound that got louder as people quieted down. It was Irving announcing that the Thanksgiving feast would be served now in the (very) large dining room. Irving was standing on a table.

^^^^^

As soon as Louis got the text that Harry was headed home now, he jumped up off the couch to prepare himself. He didn't exactly want to hop in the shower, so he dampened a washcloth and rubbed it all over the parts of his body that would possibly smell.

If he was being honest, he didn't know how far they'd get tonight, but he knew that they'd get somewhere. Louis only hoped that somewhere was everywhere.

There had been so many incidents that just made their tension increase more and more. The one that stood out in his mind the most was the shower time. But, waking up to Harry's bum pressed against his crotch was definitely more continual.

When he was done, he paced over to the bed to straighten out the sheets and then fluff the pillows up a bit. Because even though this was their room, Louis still wanted to make a good impression. Maybe this would also be easier than outrightly saying that he wanted to have sex.

Yes, definitely easier.

When that was finished, Louis didn't know what to do with himself. If he was smart, he would have made some romantic meal, or dessert because Harry just got back from a Thanksgiving party. Or maybe nothing at all because this is the one holiday where it was okay to overeat.

Right, fresh clothes would be a good idea.

It was partly annoying that Harry was all the way over in Manhattan. There is just simply too much time between Manhattan and Brooklyn. Louis silently cursed Gaea.

Louis has never been this unsure about having sex. Most of his hookups were spur of the moment type things, even when he dated someone, they would just randomly happen.

Harry was different, though. He liked knowing the things that were going to happen. Didn't like walking into a surprise.

(Oh, condoms and lube in the nightstand.)

Harry was so, so special to Louis. He'd never been so sure that he loved someone. Especially when there were such obvious flaws in their relationship. Maybe ones that would never be fixed. But Louis would be okay with that, because Harry is who Harry is. And vulnerable Harry wouldn't be his Harry.

And suddenly, Louis started freaking out. Were they even ready for sex? To take that step? That much farther? They moved too fast in their first try, and that didn't work out. What if this ruins it again?

Louis turned the TV's volume up higher to try to drown out his thoughts.

It seemed like eons before Louis heard keys jingling in the lock.

(He should have lit a candle and put on some music.)

Harry immediately crawled close into Louis' side on the couch before even saying hi. His shoes were still on.

"Everything alright?" Louis asked, suddenly concerned more about Harry than sex.

But that soon went away when he felt Harry smile against his tummy. "Yeah." Harry sat up, so they could look at each other. "Jeff, my agent, wants to meet you." He shyly looked down at his lap. "Said he wants to get drinks."

Louis wanted to say that he already knew who Jeff was. "Yeah? I'm happy for you, Haz," Louis whispered and reached over to lightly squeeze Harry's thigh.

Harry began talking more about his night, Louis nodding at all the right moments. In fact, Louis only appeared to be moving closer, along with his hand moving closer to Harry's crotch.

"So would it be fair to say that it went well?" Harry nodded with a growing smile. Louis wished he knew if it was because of his memory of their conversation or because of his memory of the night. "Do you remember what I said I'd give you if it went well?"

Harry looked up from his lap with wide eyes. "I thought you were joking?" He blinked.

Louis scoffed quietly. "Meet me in the bedroom, and you'll find out."

Of course he wasn't joking.

Louis sauntered over to the open door to their bedroom, definitely swaying his hips way too much to be considered fair to Harry. When Louis turned around to take a quick peak, Harry's eyes were definitely not on his eyes. He hoped that his lounge shorts did his bum justice.

It took way too long for Harry to come in. Louis lazily laid back on the bed eventually because he was taking forever. He could only hold a sexy position for so long. Louis let out a breath. He wondered if this was Harry telling him no. Or if he should go check on him, make sure he's still alive out there or something.

He was about moments from jerking his body up when Harry stepped in. He was still wearing what he wore to the party. The shoes and the jacket were gone, though. Louis had to admit that seeing Harry in a black button down tucked into some slacks gave him some feelings. It was even unbuttoned a bit. Louis wanted to drool at the sight of his boyfriend.

They made eye contact and simultaneously smirked at each other. It was like they both knew that this was going to be an awkward experience (sex with someone you care about is always awkward the first time). But they both were okay with that. It would still be special since it was each other.

Louis broke the silence. "So I think you've figured out that a blowjob is not all you're getting tonight?" he asked from sitting up on the bed. Harry was frozen in his spot by the door.

"I thought something like that, yeah," Harry said and looked down at his feet.

"Come 'ere, Haz," Louis gestured over to himself by patting his lap. They didn't often do this, mostly because Harry was so much larger than Louis. Harry did manage to climb sideways onto his lap. "I really want this, but only if you want it, too. You have to let me know if you're uncomfortable with anything, alright?"

Harry nodded. But he also vocally said, "Yes, I will tell you. As long as you tell me."

Louis smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners. "Of course." Harry brushed his nose against Louis' cheekbone. They were so outstanding that he couldn't help himself. "Okay, wait." Harry stopped when Louis started maneuvering himself under Harry to get out. "Candle?" Harry agreed. "Okay, let's see. We have some Lemon Lavender or some Fresh Cut Roses," Louis said from his head in the bathroom cabinet. Why he had candles in his studio bathroom, he had no idea.

He could hear Harry's chuckle. "I'll go with Fresh Cut Roses," Harry said a bit too dramatically.

Louis found the lighter in his desk and lit it, placing it on the dresser, so they don't accidentally knock it over. That would most certainly ruin the mood. He plopped back down on the bed. Harry bounced a little but crawled over to Louis. Instead of sitting back on his lap like normal, he straddled Louis. "Jumpin' right in, alright, Harold." Harry rolled his eyes and lightly connected their lips together in order to get Louis to shut up. It worked.

Harry still had to lean his head down like normal, but he wasn't used to there being someone under him when they kissed. But he definitely didn't mind it. Harry easily took control over the kiss and pulled back while lightly biting down on Louis' bottom lip. He connected their lips again, and Harry slid his tongue into Louis' mouth. They connected their tongues, and Louis started fighting to take control. Eventually, he licked at the side of Harry's mouth which made him lose slight control with a breathy moan.

The younger one cupped his hands on Louis' cheeks. Louis moved his hands to the swell of Harry's arse. He could feel Harry's growing erection as he rocked his lips into Louis' front; his own was growing as well.

Louis disconnected their lips and pulled back, causing Harry to release a whine. "How are we doing this?" he asked, a little breathless.

Harry looked down at him with blown pupils. "I wanna look at you while you fuck me."

Louis' jaw dropped open. He was not expecting that to come out. "Fuck, okay." He reached to the hem of his shirt and pulled it off. Harry immediately ran his hands up his torso. "You should have told me you had a dirty mouth," he smirked.

Harry gave him a look. "You should know that by now." It was definitely subtle sometimes, but Harry definitely did have one; Louis knew that. He smirked and connected their lips again.

After a few more moments of making out, Louis had to pull back for a breath. Harry traveled down to his neck and sucked a mark in the spot he knew that Louis loved which had him squirming.

"Off. Off," Louis pleaded while tugging at Harry's shirt. His mind was all foggy with the way Harry's mouth was working against his neck.

Harry detached himself for a moment to unbutton a couple more buttons, and then he pulled it up over his head. Louis went and attached his mouth to one of Harry's nipples, knowing that it got him going. His fingers tangled in the shorter hairs at the back of Louis' head as threw his head back, grinding down harder against him.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Harry let out a stream of fucks when Louis started sucking. He let out a louder moan. Louis was glad Harry wasn't quiet.

Louis blew some cold air on his nipple before grabbing Harry by the waist and flipping them over as smoothly as possible. Harry definitely plopped a little too hard on the mattress. Before he could even react though, Louis was pulling his own shorts off; Harry was a bit hypnotized. Louis paused and stared at the man lying in front of him who was looking up at him. "I know I haven't told you lately, but I do love you, Harry."

If he was being honest, he didn't know why he said it. He wasn't trying to get Harry to finally say it back, but the way his face fell into a guilty expression made him regret the words. Instead of talking about the obvious issue at hand, he just dived back in and started kissing Harry again.

The smell of the candle finally hit Louis' nose, causing him to take in a breath. He smelled a lot of Harry. Not that he was complaining. Harry whined into Louis' mouth when he snaked a hand between their bodies to palm him. Louis remembered how much he loved that sound when he heard it the first time. He could write a poem about that sound. Maybe he will. Anyone could be a poet, especially when Harry was the muse.

Harry's hips jerked up into his hand. Louis took that as a signal to move along, so he trailed kisses down the middle of his body, his chest heaving up and down. The older one looked up at Harry to make eye contact, both of them having blown pupils, somehow making this whole thing so much hotter. Louis teased his tongue around his navel, and Harry's knuckles turned white with how hard he was gripping the sheet. He was a mess, and Louis was so turned on.

"Lou, get on with it," Harry demanded, although Louis almost didn't catch it with how breathless he was.

He smirked. "There's my cheeky boy." Harry only rolled his eyes in response.

Louis decided to comply and carefully slid down Harry's slacks. He kissed around the upper part of Harry's thighs before sliding his underwear down, too. Harry's cock bounced against his hip as soon as it was released. Louis only drooled a bit.

He paused for a moment. "God, Haz, you're so beautiful," he whispered into his mouth before connecting their lips together. The free hand that wasn't holding him up blindly searched for Harry's hand. As soon as they found each other, Harry squeezed. Louis pulled back and pressed sweet kisses again down the line of Harry's torso. His breathing was even more staggered this time.

When he got to his dick, he pressed kissed from the base to the tip. He looked up at Harry while doing it, and he looked very overcome with emotion.

"You okay?" he asked, rubbing circles into Harry's hip. Their hands were still connected.

Harry nodded frantically. "Yes, yes." His bottom lip jutted out.

"Okay," Louis started softly. "I'm gonna finger you open is that alright?"

Harry let out a loud moan. "Please." There was another whine, and Louis felt his dick twitch.

Regretfully so, Louis had to step back in order to get the condom and lube in the nightstand. As soon as he came back, Harry was reaching for his hand. It made his heart ache. Definitely with fond.

A question came into his mind.

"Condom?" Louis held it up to show it to Harry who looked at him with a blank expression. "Did you get tested after...?"

Realization dawned on Harry's face. "Yeah, I did. I'm fine." Harry squeezed tight for a moment.

"Okay, me too." Louis smiled before throwing the condom behind him. He slicked his fingers up with lube before teasing his tongue around Harry's cock. Harry involuntarily jerked his hips up, and Louis pulled back. "Knees up, love." Harry complied, feeling a bit shy now. "So, so gorgeous," Louis whispered into the skin of his inner thighs. He ran his cheeks against them, leaving goosebumps in his trail. He could see Harry noticeably relax at his words. Louis came back up and kissed down the v of his hips. Harry grabbed a pillow from behind him and placed it underneath his hips. Louis pressed a kiss to his knee. "I can't get over how wonderful you look." He let out a soft moan just to show how much he meant what he was saying.

Momentarily, Louis paused and slid his own underwear down his hips. He saw Harry let out a large breath. "Fuck me, Louis." He smirked and left a trail of kisses from Harry's knee to his inner thigh, teasing Harry, so close to the spot but not there.

Grabbing the bottle of lube again, he squeezed some onto Harry's hole, it dripping down a bit. He circled the tip of his finger around his entrance. Harry's whole body shuddered, and his hole fluttered. Louis squeezed his hand and gave him a small smile. Silently, telling him to relax. He did a little bit. Louis kissed him again on the thigh before gently sliding his finger in. He felt the way Harry clenched around him; it felt amazing, but that's not exactly what he was going for. "Breathe, Haz," he told him. They locked eyes, and he could see Harry visibly relax.

It was all extremely overwhelming for Harry. Not because it was his first time. But it was his first time with someone he actually cared for. His emotions were getting the best of him, and he felt a small tear escape when Louis pushed his finger in further. He knew Louis saw it when he stilled inside him. "I'm fine." Louis still looked at him. "Please," he whined again (he had caught on to how much Louis liked the sound).

Louis looked conflicted. Nobody ever cried during sex with him. He knew it was a thing, but he'd never actually seen it happen. "Am I hurting you?"

Harry furrowed his eyebrows. "No, no." He let out a small awkward chuckle at the situation and felt himself clench around Louis' finger. "I'm just a bit overwhelmed, I promise." Louis nodded and curved his finger, loving the slick feeling of Harry's walls. Harry moaned and threw his head back. The sound went straight to Louis' dick, and it was now standing up tall, almost leaning against his stomach. He circled his finger inside, trying to get him to loosen up. Harry was absolutely writhing. He had a hand in his hair, fist clenched, and his back was arched beautifully. "Fuck, Lou, more." And who was Louis to deny him? Louis slowly stretched him, fitting his index finger inside and gently pushed further inside. "Oh," Harry moaned out and slid his palm down to his dick and started slowly stroking. But Louis was quick to still his wrist by thrusting his fingers inside harder. "Lou, fuck, I'm gonna come if‒"

"Then you better stop playing with yourself," Louis interrupted with a stern tone and his eyebrows raised. Harry's eyes went dark instantly as he took his hand away. "Good boy." Harry bit his lip. He wasn't hiding the way his dick twitched with the words. Louis didn't wanna take the roleplay any further than that; it can be saved for another time. He wanted this to be a special time between the two of them. (They were still holding hands.)

Louis started thrusting his fingers inside Harry faster. And then slowed them down, allowing Harry to breathe and keeping him on the edge. He continued this pace until he was able to slip another finger inside. Harry only moaned louder.

"Louis, please, fuck me," Harry whined and threw his legs up to his chest, granting Louis even more access. Fuck. Louis nodded his head quickly, taking his fingers out, loving the way Harry's hole clenched to keep them inside. When his hand was free, he grabbed the lube again and quickly jerked himself off with it smearing all over. He squirted a little more on Harry's hole just to be safe.

"You ready, babe?" Harry nodded desperately. Louis lined himself up with Harry and slowly pushed in. He could feel how Harry tensed around him, so he took his free hand and rubbed Harry's stomach. "Let me know when to move."

The pause allowed Louis to think. Mostly about how amazing Harry felt around him, but also some amazement of how they were actually doing this. Harry was completely trusting Louis with his whole body.

"Okay, move," Harry said. Louis pushed in a bit further, watching Harry's face contort into a wince. He stopped. "Keep going. I'm fine." Harry looked him in the eye when he said this, his eyes a bit glossy. He let out a breath when Louis was bottomed out.

When Louis felt Harry physically relax, he bent down to connect their chests and their lips. He also grabbed Harry's other hand and laced their fingers together. They lazily kissed one another as Louis started slowly rolling his hips to throw his head back, giving Louis full access to his throat. He definitely sucked a mark that matched his own.

Eventually, Louis leaned up slightly, putting more pressure on Harry's hands and started thrusting with more force but still at a slow pace. Harry's pants left his mouth every time Louis moved forward. He changed angles a few times and changed paces until Harry was an absolute mess. Precome dribbled out of the tip of his cock onto his stomach. A few thrusts later, and Louis knew he found Harry's prostate when he sucked in a large breath and his whole body shuddered. A few more tears leaked out.

"Louis, fuck, right there." Louis thrusted in that direction a few more times, not hitting it as often as he'd like. Precome dribbled out of his cock at a faster rate, and Louis could feel his muscles tensing up involuntarily. Harry let out a whiny moan, the sound not getting too far when Louis connected their mouths, their tongues colliding sloppily. Louis was sure that he and Harry both had spit on their chins.

"Haz, you feel amazing." Louis could see Harry's eyes filling up more. "And you look so beautiful. So pretty," he whispered into the crook of Harry's neck and shoulder, mouthing at the skin. At this point, Louis was practically leaning his whole upper body on Harry's chest; he didn't think he minded, though.

He gave a few particularly deep thrusts until Harry practically yelled, "Lou, I'm gonna come. Louis. Louis," Harry chanted his name with each thrust.

At this point, Louis' hips were moving at a primal rate, chasing his orgasm. He was so close. Louis hit Harry's prostate again, and Harry completely let go. His whole body went slack, even his fingers let go of Louis' hands. His head practically threw itself back onto the mattress. He let out a loud moan as his hips rolled at a messy pace. The sight made Louis' orgasm come. He rolled his hips through it as he lightly bit down on Harry's shoulder. Pleasure raking through his entire body as if someone was poking a pleasure stick on every nerve end on his body. Harry let out a whine when he felt Louis' come inside him.

He weakly thrusted a few more times before stopping, still inside Harry before connecting their lips again. "You're so amazing," Louis said breathlessly when they let go of each other.

Harry leaned up and kissed Louis again. "So, so wonderful," he said a bit dreamily, and they both let out a small chuckle. Louis went to pull out, but Harry stilled him with a dig of his heel into Louis' back. "Stay for like two seconds. Please?" He couldn't not give into Harry. Louis buried his head into the crook of Harry's neck, letting their breaths coincide with each other as they memorized the way the other's body felt.

When Louis felt his body fully relaxing once again, he moved to be able to see Harry's face. His eyes were closed as he was still steadying his breath. Louis was sure he wasn't asleep yet, but he looked more relaxed than he had in a while. He stared at Harry, hoping the younger boy didn't notice. There was so much that he's gone through in the past few months, and he was amazed that Harry still held on so strongly. If Louis was in his situation, he would have ran back home. But Harry stayed, and it worked out amazingly well for him in the end. And Louis was so glad about that. As he was watching him now, he noticed features on his face that he'd never paid so much attention to. The freckles dotting his face in random areas. The way his lips were so plumped as if he accidentally molded him that way because he pulled on them so often. The little mole on his chin, with the little hair that grew out when he didn't shave recently. And his favorite part, his eyelashes, and the way that they curved so beautifully against his cheeks. Eyelashes that belonged to an angel.

Angel eyelashes, he liked the ring of that. Angel Harry.

He should really tell Harry how beautiful he is more often.

And Louis wondered why Harry didn't want him to pull out. Or how he could still stand him being inside because wouldn't it hurt after a bit?

"Lou?" he heard Harry ask, breaking him from his thoughts. He shifted in surprise which caused Harry to let out a small groan.

"Sorry. What is it, love?" Louis carefully reached up to run a ran down Harry's cheek which was delectably soft, mind the stubble. There was a small smile on his face now.

Harry took a breath and exhaled. "I..." The words formed in the back of his throat, threatening to finally voice out. So, so close. Two more syllables. Two stupid syllables that he couldn't find himself being able to say. He swallowed them down; they changed their mind. "You can get up now, if you want," he added.

When he looked into Louis' eyes (for the first time since they found themselves in this position), all he saw was patience.

And love.

He was so, so grateful for this man that he wanted to cry. Again.

"Do you want me to, Haz?" And Louis' voice was so soft and gentle that he felt the tears welling up in his eyes. He didn't know why he was getting so overwhelmed. Louis immediately comforted him by pressing light kisses all over his face. They tickled, though, and Harry couldn't stop himself from laughing and squirming a bit (trying to keep his lower body as still as physically possible). Louis joined his laughter, and soon, their foreheads were pressed together as they smiled at each other. "Tell me what's going on, baby." Baby was new. "You're not hurt, are you?" His tone was worried.

Harry could almost feel the way the oil on their foreheads collided and then separated. "No, no, of course not," Harry whispered. "I've never cried before." He let out a small, awkward chuckle. "To be honest, I only thought girls did." Louis gave him a look. "Stop, you know I don't mean that. I'm talking the different hormones, not sexism here." Louis looked at him to continue, and Harry supposed he had to. "I've never had sex with someone I care about before, so I really am just feeling overwhelmed." He breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm fine, promise." He sealed it with a kiss. Louis moved away from him, giving their faces some personal space.

"Okay, I trust you to tell me if something's wrong." Louis looked thoughtful for a moment. "Could it have anything to do with the L word?" Fuck. He really didn't expect Louis to ask that, and he didn't know what to say.

A couple moments went by. "Probably." He watched Louis' face for any type of reaction, but he didn't get one. "Lou, you know that I care about you a lot. So much. I...fuck...I just don't know if I'm ready to say it." Honesty was the best policy after all. He just wished Louis' dick wasn't in him during this conversation because then he'll have to deal with the awkward "only pulling out because I'm mad now" situation.

And it came in a matter of seconds, and Harry felt like his whole body deflated.

"I need the loo; I'll be back."

Harry forced himself to fight the tears and the emotions that he felt. He didn't know what kind of emotions there were. There was the anger, at himself. And the frustration, at himself, for taking so long to do this. And the hope, towards Louis, that he'd give him more time. But he'd already given Harry more time than he deserved.

He really ruined a special moment.

And to think that only a few minutes ago, Louis was staring at him and touching him so gently. Only a few minutes ago, his eyes held all the patience in the world.

Just seriously, fuck everything.

Louis came back a couple seconds later to dig through his drawers to find some clean underwear. He barely even spared a glance at his boyfriend who still laid in the same spot. Louis moved silently across the room, picking up their thrown clothes, putting the lube and condom back in the drawers, and blowing out the candle.

As soon as Harry heard Louis' large breath, he moved himself to stumble into the bathroom across the hall; there was definitely a reminder of Louis coming from his backside and the come dripping down his inner thighs. He relieved himself and cleaned his bum before turning around to sit himself on the open seat, his head buried in his hands.

No, he would not let his emotions get the best of him.

When he thought about it, he was mostly frustrated with himself. How he knew that he loved Louis so much. He knew he loved him with everyone bone, every blood vessel in his body. But he couldn't admit it.

Harry remembered that he left his phone on the kitchen table. He walked out and retrieved it, only to lock himself in the bathroom again.

Harry knew that his therapist wouldn't answer. But he knew he could still call her and leave a message. So he did, asking her to get an appointment as soon as possible because he's even skirted around this issue with her, so it was about time to figure this out.

He sighed after he hung up, not exactly knowing what to do. It was a cop-out if he stayed in the other bedroom. But he was scared to go into their room, not knowing the state Louis was in.

Harry just hated the fact that this happened now of all times. He imagined his first time being amazingly sweet, and they'd fall asleep with their naked bodies wrapped around each other. Then they'd wake up in the heat of the morning to have another round.

It was going perfectly according to Harry's dramatic plan until he messed everything up.

Might as well face Louis now.

He waddled back into the room to see Louis lying on his side in the bed. Not sure if he was asleep, Harry put on some clean briefs and carefully climbed in on the other side.

Louis started speaking. If it wasn't for what he said, Harry would have figured he was sleep-talking. "I'm trying my...best, Haz." He took sleepy breaths. "But, I don't... I don't know how much...longer I can do this."

Extra fuck.

^^^^^

Harry woke up to an empty bed. He didn't fall asleep for a few hours, his mind getting the best of him. All he wanted last night was to be in Louis' arms, sleeping against his chest, being able to hear his heartbeat underneath his ear. It took all his self-control (and a few tears, if he was being honest) to not wrap his limbs into Louis' hold last night while he was asleep. He did wake up with an arm around Louis' pillow.

Harry stepped out of the bed and threw on a sweatshirt. (It was Thanksgiving Day, so the weather was quite chilly). He wandered around the apartment, silently looking for Louis. But he was nowhere to be found, and he didn't leave a note or text him either.

He huffed and sat down on the couch.

It was then when he the emotions definitely overwhelmed him as he started sobbing, sounds raking their way out of his throat. It happened all at once, the dam broke. Everything from last night, the happiness to the heartbreak. Plus, not knowing where Louis went. Just everything hit him at once.

Snot was all over the jacket sleeve as he wiped his nose and mouth, trying to prevent himself from choking. He felt his body shake with every new sob that came out. Them being timed with his exhaling. Every time he inhaled, he struggled to get a proper amount of breath.

His body started tiring as the sobs were getting more scattered. He eventually was able to get in a full, satisfying breath without letting out another sob. Harry sat there with his head in his hands wondering how everything went wrong so quickly, when he heard the key jiggle in the lock. There was no hesitation as he flew up and jogged over to the bathroom to quickly turn the shower on. He winced at the pain in his back.

Hopefully his swollen face will go down in the shower. Or he could blame it on some shampoo. Because he didn't want Louis to see him like this. He really didn't know if he wanted Louis to see him at all. Harry was scared, he could admit that.

When Harry finished showering (he had to try all his might to not cry in there), his eyes were definitely less puffy. He obviously looked like he was crying, but not so much to prompt Louis to ask him about it.

He came out of the bathroom after getting ready for the day to find Louis eating a bowl of cereal while watching the telly. They made eye contact instantly. So, maturely, Harry dived around into the kitchen to avoid Louis' eyes.

But with his luck, Louis followed him. He busied himself with trying to find something to eat, but only blankly staring at the food, nothing registering in his mind.

Louis' footsteps stilled. "Um, you still good with Zayn and Liam coming over tonight?" Oh right, he forgot about that. Their Thanksgiving tradition he now feels he's intruding on.

"Yes." He opted with a short word to prevent his voice from cracking, his eyes still avoiding Louis' frozen frame. Even though he got his answer, he didn't move. So, Harry turned to look at him. He instantly saw Louis' expression change, so maybe this wasn't the best idea.

Before he could even mutter a word about last night, Louis beat him to it. "Look, Harry, I don't wanna talk about last night right now. I need to sit on this whole thing for a bit." Louis didn't look at him. "But I do want you to know that I remember what I said when you got into bed." Harry shifted and leaned his weight on the counter on his hands, completely facing away from Louis now. He didn't want him to see the tears that were inevitable. "And I know that you probably think I'm being a prick right now, but I've been patient, Harry.

"It's not the love thing that bothers me, okay? I mean, it is. But, I don't know, Haz." Harry was biting into his knuckle now, trying to prevent his sobs from becoming sounds. "I guess, I don't know how much longer I can love someone who doesn't love me back." At that, Harry let out a huge sob, and Louis would had to have been deaf not to hear it. His fingers were starting to go numb from how hard he was biting. Louis fought his own tears at the sight and continued. "I'm not gonna stand here and tell you that I'm breaking up with you because you don't love me." Another sob. Louis' lip was wobbling, and his throat had knives down it. He waited a few moments. "But I need you to...we both need you to figure yourself out. That sounds rude, I don't mean it like that, but I need to know where you stand at some point. I can't wait forever." He couldn't bear the sight of Harry collapsing on the ground with an even louder sob, so he ran into the bedroom, slamming the door closed and sliding his body down it.

^^^^^

The boys didn't see each other since that moment. When Liam and Zayn rang the doorbell, Louis carefully ventured out of the room. Harry sat on the couch watching something, though he doubted he was registering any of it. He didn't even spare a glance towards Louis. Damn.

When Louis opened the door, Zayn ran in, arms full of bags. He was shouting. "Who's ready?! I brought sandwiches and lots of beer!" He loudly sat them down on the kitchen counter and ran over to Harry on the couch and plopped right down on Harry. At least Liam laughed. "Didn't even greet me, mate?" He got all up in Harry's face.

Louis turned to Liam. "He's had a few." This prompted understanding as to why Zayn was acting weirdly. Out of the corner of his eye, Louis could see Zayn poking Harry everywhere he could which built up a small smile on his face. Louis didn't want to look straight at Harry yet, fearing a breakdown. Louis wondered if Liam could tell. "So we brought a few games we could play. Couple vs. couple?"

Shit. They always talked about playing actual board and card games, but they never had even teams. "Let's get pissed first," he grimaced. The two of them walked to the kitchen to get the food out and set everything up. "So, how're you and Zayn?"

Liam instantly smiled. "Good, really good. We're going home for Christmas. Spending time with both families." It took a couple seconds. "Shit, Lou. I‒"

Louis interrupted him. "You guys always avoid the subject, but you don't need to. Besides, Harry actually is being the best person ever, and he bought me a plane ticket with his."

Liam's face had the biggest smile and pulled Louis into a hug. When they pulled back, Liam held him at arm's length. "You're going home, Louis! That's the best news ever!" He turned around. "Zayn, Louis is going home!" Zayn started whooping. "Harry, you are the best person ever!" At the call of this name, Harry looked to the kitchen, and he made eye contact with Louis the whole time he spoke.

A few hours later, everyone except Zayn had a few drinks (Zayn sobered up a bit and was more like his mysterious self) when it was game time, Liam decided. Louis started panicking.

"Hey, why don't we mix it up? Me and Zayn vs. Liam and Harry?" He tried to make it subtle as possible. Liam was the only one who didn't catch on.

Zayn and he made eye contact. He knew the signal. "Actually, I'm gonna go for a smoke. Louis?" He nodded. "Li, you and Harry set everything up." Louis could feel the way Harry's eyes bore holes into his back.

When they got outside on the roof (Louis wanted to cry; he never thought about taking Harry up here at night, but he would love it so much), Zayn took out a cigarette and lit it against his hand. "So? What the fuck happened between you two?"

Louis sighed and rested his head in his hands, his elbows leaning against the railing at the edge. "Shit hit the fan." Zayn offered Louis one, and he shook his head. He looked at Louis to continue. "I love him, and he knows that." Louis turned his head to Zayn, looking for any judgment but didn't find any. "But he has such a hard time with vulnerability, and I knew that going in this time around, but I just figured I had the patience for it. Now, I'm thinking different."

Zayn exhaled before he said, "He doesn't love you back."

Louis told the story. "We were having sex last night." Zayn rose an eyebrow, this being news. "First time, mind you. Anyways, before we started, I told him I loved him. Which I haven't said since the first time because he always looks so guilty. But the sex went great; it was amazing. Literally, best sex I've ever had."

"Okay, I get it," Zayn waved a hand in front of his face.

Louis smiled. "He got super overwhelmed during, and I asked if it was because of what I told him, and he goes "Probably.""

"Oh, shit."

"I know right. So then he's like, I care about you a lot, but I'm not ready to say it yet. So, I don't even know what the fuck to do at this point. Like, I love him so much, and I wanna be patient with him, but..."

"You're hurting, too." Louis didn't have to respond for Zayn to know the answer. "Do you want some advice?" Louis gave him pleading eyes. "Actions speak louder than words." Zayn didn't look at Louis when he spoke, but rather the view, watching how his breath of smoke dissipated into the distant lights.

Louis looked at the view, as well. "That's not exactly something I wanted to hear, Zayn."

"I know." Zayn tossed the cigarette on the ground and toed it into the cement. "But you need to hear it. Personally, I wouldn't have bought Liam a plane ticket. And, I don't know how loaded Harry is, but I'm sure none of us could really afford that. So, I'm saying that maybe he doesn't say it, but he's definitely showed it. That's obvious, mate."

Louis groaned. He supposed his friend was right. "I don't even have that big of an issue with the love thing." Zayn scoffed and rolled his eyes. "I'm serious. He just isn't able to share his heart with me."

Zayn pondered for a moment, observing the way Louis' face contorted into sadness. "Let's go back inside." There Zayn goes, supposedly giving him some Buddha wise advice that Louis won't understand until the end of the movie. "I'm not playing with you, either. You always lose," he added with a chuckle. Louis shoved him from behind when they were walking back inside causing him to stumble in the hallway.

When the two friends walked back into the apartment, they were met with smiling faces. Well, a smile and a smile that turned into a frown.

Zayn took charge easily. "Me and you, Li against Louis and Harry." Louis saw Harry visibly stiffen, and he felt guilty.

Liam smiled and wrapped an arm around his boyfriend's waist. "I say some Pictionary and Charades after." Zayn kissed him on the cheek.

Really, who could say no to Liam?

Harry and Louis were quite good at the part where they sat there and watched the other team play. Neither of them was so sure about how their turn would end up. Louis was drawing first. Liam set the timer, and he pulled the first card. The first one was a hat.

Easy enough. He drew a top hat that Harry got rather quickly. The next one was Mickey Mouse which Harry got as soon as he drew one circle on top of the bigger one. His boy was good at this game. The next one was a banana. (Of course Harry shouted that it was a dildo first. Everyone in the room laughed expect Louis who was getting stressed. He did not want to prove Zayn right).

But the next one was a fucking scuba diver. Liam laughed when Louis furrowed at the card. (They had an unwritten rule about skipping cards). He started by drawing the goggles.

"Glasses!"

Louis rolled his eyes and drew a little stem on top of the goggles.

"Swimming in the ocean!"

Louis knew time was running out, so he drew a stick person quickly under the goggles.

"Snorkeling!"

The time ran out. "No, fuck, Harry! It's a fucking scuba diver! You don't fucking snorkel under the water!" Louis yelled, and the whole room went silent, dying out the other couple's laughter.

Both Liam and Zayn knew that Louis got heated during games, but he'd never gotten like this. The minute he saw Harry's face, he immediately crowded into his space.

"Harry, I'm so sorry," he pleaded into Harry's shoulder, but his body language told Louis he didn't want to be anywhere near him. "Baby, I didn't mean to yell like that; I'm so sorry."

Not that it was an excuse, but he was so pent up with the frustration throughout the day that he let it out on the one he thought caused it. It was definitely himself, though.

He looked up at his friends who were staring at them with sad eyes. The way they looked at him made him feel so guilty. He pecked Harry's bicep before going to Liam who was calling him over to the bedroom, leaving Louis and Zayn alone.

Zayn didn't know how to feel. Harry instantly shrunk by two inches (even if he was sitting down) when Louis yelled like that. He stood next to Harry and stroked his curls. Zayn was glad he wasn't crying because then he might've left Liam in here.

"I fucked up this whole night. I'm sorry, Zayn," Harry said with a quiet voice. Zayn needed to take a seat next to him.

"What, Harry? No. You didn't cause anything of this. Louis' just been an idiot." Harry hid his face in the crook of his elbow. "He's really stressed. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, and I don't think I should tell you this, but," he started making Harry look up, "he called me this morning, and he's super stressed about going back home. So, with that, with you, and the fact that he gets so, so stressed during games is just making him go crazy. You know how much he loves you." He didn't tell Liam that Louis was going home; he wanted it to be a surprise.

Harry nodded. "I know. I just..." he sighed. "I love him a lot, too. You know? But I can't tell him," he said very quietly.

Zayn gave him a sad smile. "We know. He knows, too. He's just an idiot sometimes." Harry laughed.

"No, he's so smart; I can't believe it sometimes." Zayn's smile deepened as did Harry's. "We're probably both being stubborn idiots anyways," he concluded.

"Probably."

Harry hated that word.

Slowly and albeit awkwardly, they joined forces again but ditched the games and went for the movies to get them in the holiday spirit. Harry felt a bit jealous of the way that Zayn and Liam were cuddled up, yet his other half was on a different couch.

The way that Louis yelled at him didn't scare him at all. It didn't sound like a threatening yell at all, but like a frustrated yell. So that's why he felt like it was all his fault.

His phone started vibrating in his pocket. It was his therapist. He excused himself and went to go answer it.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Harry. This is Dr. Rodriguez calling about your message. I do have an appointment available at 7pm on Monday. I know it's late, but if you can make it."

"Yeah, that works great. Thank you so much for fitting me in."

"No problem, Harry. Now, is there anything else you need right now?"

"No, I'm okay. Thanks for calling back, especially today." Harry smiled even though she couldn't see him. 

 

"No problem. Have a good rest of your Thanksgiving. See you Monday." Harry said his goodbye before hanging up.

Thank God he was able to see her. After the last two days he'd had, he'll need it.

Before he could go back in the room, he got a text from Irving that reminded him of the 6am meeting he had on Monday to discuss very last-minute things before the book officially came out. It was a three-hour meeting, and Harry was definitely dreading it, and he hated that. He was so nervous as to how the book was going to sell this week because, apparently, the first week was the most important. And they were expecting good sales the first day because it was Cyber Monday. At least he had the therapy session when he could just forget about that stuff for an hour. He replied back with his confirmation.

"Popular man," Liam said when Harry walked back in.

"Work talking to me. The book's coming out on Monday, and everyone's stressed out about it. So stressed that they're thinking about it on Thanksgiving." Louis internally cursed himself. He forgot about that. Harry must be so nervous.

"Good luck, mate," Zayn said just as the movie was ending. "Hey, I think we're gonna head out now. Wanna avoid the drunks on the road." Louis chuckled.

"Okay, thanks for coming, mates," Louis said as he hugged the two of them.

"See you soon," Harry said when he hugged them. Zayn gave him a meaningful look.

When they left, there was silence across the apartment, so Louis busied himself with cleaning up. Harry appeared to be sending some type of email. Not that Louis was looking over his shoulder.

If he was being honest, he was dead tired. There wasn't a lot of sleep last night on his part. He knew Harry finally properly fell asleep when Louis left the bed. Like his subconscious mind thought that he had to be near Louis if he was there, but if he wasn't that was still normal.

Louis didn't say anything to Harry when he went to bed.

He woke up a couple hours later to an empty bed. The room was dark still. It was 2am. Louis weakly stood on his legs and wandered the apartment. He checked the other bedroom first, but Harry wasn't there. But he was in the living room, curled up under a blanket. They didn't keep any blankets in the living room, so Harry would have had to grab one with the intention of sleeping here.

He padded over to Harry and gently shook him awake. Harry slowly opened his eyes and took in his surroundings. Louis spoke softly, "Hey, none of this, Harry. Let's go to bed, yeah?" He held out his hand, hoping that Harry would take it. There was hesitation in his eyes, but he took the offering and followed Louis to bed.

^^^^^

Harry woke up the next morning in a similar predicament than yesterday. At least he knew that Louis was at work this time. He sighed and rubbed his face with his hands. Swinging his legs over the side, he stiffly stepped a few times, courtesy of falling asleep on the couch last night. He remembered something about Louis taking him to bed, but it could have been a dream. Well, he did end up in bed, so maybe not. He wondered why Louis did that.

Harry was planning on taking a shower when he heard a noise from the kitchen. When he turned the corner, Louis was boiling some water in the tea kettle.

Harry coughed to get his attention. Louis jumped. "Oh, hey. Morning." There was a pained smile on Louis' face.

"What're you still doing here? I thought you had work?" Harry sat down on the barstool. He rolled his neck onto his shoulder to stretch it.

Louis looked down at the counter. "I called in sick." Harry raised an eyebrow. "I think we need to do a lot of talking." Harry nodded with short movements though Louis couldn't see him. "I was thinking we could go out. It snowed last night." Harry's ears perked up as he went around Louis to stare out the kitchen window. "Well, I would say sleeted last night." He chuckled. All the snow that hit the asphalt or concrete immediately melted, but it stayed where the grass was.

"Can we go to Central Park?" Harry asked, dimples showing when he turned around to Louis.

"Course. Go shower, and I'll finish the tea." Harry nodded and strolled back to the hallway.

Maybe he was using the weather as an excuse to go out, but the only reason he didn't want to be stuck in here while talking was that they couldn't have a breakdown like they had before. The only downside though was that they could run away from each other. But he supposed that could happen here, as well.

The whistle went off and he poured the boiling water in 2 to-go cups, placing the tea bags in the water and grabbing the milk out of the fridge.

As expected, Central Park was really crowded. There were children everywhere, bundled up in their snow clothes of the season. They themselves, had heavy jackets and some boots on; it was pretty windy outside. Their teas helped to keep their hands warm though.

The two of them walked in silence, enjoying the view. Louis watched as Harry took some pictures of the snow and of some families. He would be lying if he said he didn't wish to be in one of those pictures. (He didn't know that Harry had already snuck some of him. His favorite being not of his face, but his hand holding the tea. It was simplistic, and he loved it.)

When they'd been walking for a while, the sleet definitely started melting into a dirty mess, and the fog was descending further on the trees.

"Don't you think the color of the trees is just wonderful?" Harry asked, not looking at Louis. "You know, how the reds, yellows, and greens contrast against each other. How you can visibly see the different cycles of nature in action." Harry found a bench that looked moderately dry and sat down on it and looked up at the sky. If he didn't know that this was Harry being his dramatic self, he would have that Harry was on some type of drug.

"A Tree of Heaven."

Harry turned to Louis. Seemingly, looking at him for the first time that morning. "That book introduced me to New York. Ever since I read it, I wanted to experience this city."

Louis turned his head, making eye contact with Harry for the first time that day. It was intense. "Really?"

Harry nodded. "There was something so fresh about the book, even though she was poor and growing up, she learned something. For a while, I thought the only way I could learn something about myself was if I moved here." He took a breath and waited a moment before continuing. "I guess that thought wasn't too far off."

Louis sucked in a cold breath, he could feel his lips drying out with the wind, so he licked them. "I think that if you moved anywhere you would have learned something about yourself. You know, it was a new experience; you're truly on your own for the first time." Harry loved having conversations with Louis. They made him think.

"Yeah. But if it wasn't here, then the whole money thing would not have happened. You wouldn't have happened." He made intense eye contact with Louis that made him shiver.

"Neither of those things necessarily would have been bad things, though," Louis argued.

Harry looked at him like he was crazy. Then he turned away and sighed. "You are what makes living here worth it. I know I got a book published, and that's the whole reason why I came here, but I don't think I could have stayed if it wasn't for you."

Louis didn't reply to that. He didn't know how to. "I'm sorry, Haz." He reached over and put a hand on Harry's thigh. Louis felt lucky that Harry didn't flinch away.

"I know you are, and I'm sorry, too." Harry took a sip of the tea, grimacing a bit at the coldness of it. "I want you to know that you're the person I've been the most vulnerable with. You know more about me than anyone else, and I'm really lucky that I have you. You've challenged me to think more about myself, and I'm really grateful."

Louis squeezed his hand on Harry's leg. It was a completely innocent touch. "A bit ago, I told you that I'd wait for you. And this is me waiting for you. I know you're trying, so I'm gonna try, too." Harry finally looked over to Louis while he was talking. He leaned his head on his shoulder, and Louis wanted to cry out in relief. Instead, he kissed the top of Harry's head and leaned his own on top of Harry's.

^^^^^

Harry woke up to his alarm blaring at a bright and early 5am. Louis woke up to it, as well, so he snuggled into Harry's chest, not wanting him to leave the comfort of the warm bed.

"I can feel how hard your heart is beating," Louis said, voice heavy with sleep. Yes, he was so nervous.

"All because of you, baby."

Louis chuckled. "I wish." Harry chuckled back as he stood up to hop in the shower. "Can I join you?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "It's hard to say no, but no."

"That didn't sound hard at all."

He laughed. "I need to hurry, Lou." Leaning down, he pressed a kiss to Louis' shoulder. "Sleep."

The past couple days, since they've moderately figured things out, Louis has been pushing the idea of any type of sexual activity. He supposed it was because he felt so bad about how last time ended that he wanted to leave things on a different note. But Harry wasn't having any of it. He easily pushed away any advances without even a second thought. That could be because he was so antsy about the book being released, but Louis wanted to help him get his mind off of it. Sex cured everything, right?

Louis groaned because he wasn't going to fall back asleep. His mind was too awake now. He pulled the charger out of his phone and quickly tapped the screen a few times, getting to Instagram. The first post that came up was one that Harry had just posted. It was a picture of the book that was sitting on the back of their toilet (why must Harry expose him like that? As soon as they got a real copy, Louis had to read it again). But the caption was about how the book was going live at 8am and how it was also available in your local bookstore. Louis peered at the picture, impressed with the amount of likes already. His agent must be good at promoting because he knew Harry didn't have that many followers when they met. He's growing as an author, and Louis couldn't have been prouder.

Harry came back in a few minutes later with a towel wrapped around his waist. He moved very quietly as if he didn't know Louis was awake. Louis heard the towel dropped on the floor and rolled his eyes.

"Really?" Harry jumped back and almost fell causing Louis to go in a fit of laughter.

"Jesus. I thought you were sleeping." Harry put a hand over his heart causing more tears from Louis.

The one still lying in bed raked his eyes over his body a few times, his dick just hanging out in the open. "You don't have any time?" Louis asked, trying to convince Harry with his voice. Harry looked at him with a pointed look before turning back around and putting on some underwear. Louis threw himself back on the pillow. "When's your next free minute where I'll be free, too?"

Harry looked thoughtful while throwing on some dress pants. "Probably tomorrow night."

Louis groaned. "What about a quickie during my lunch break?"

Harry found a royal blue button up, and he slid his arms through it. "No, Louis."

"Fine," Louis said, dragging out the 'i'. "Tomorrow night it is." Harry scoffed; Louis opened one eye. "Seriously, your book is going to do amazing today. I bet everyone is already waiting by their computers and bookstores to buy it. And I'm going to cook you a fantastic, romantic meal tomorrow night to celebrate your success, alright?"

Harry finally smiled. It wasn't a big one, but Louis appreciated it. "I have to go. Have a good day." He kissed Louis' head before leaving.

 

He walked into the publishing building to about fifty people clapping and cheering him on. That was the last thing he expected. Jeff and Irving stood with open arms waiting for a hug. Casandra was next because he learned to love her and think of her almost as a friend.

"Thank you, guys," Harry whispered when he hugged them. The men gave Harry a clap on the back, and Casandra gave him a sweet smile.

Irving shouted, getting everyone's attention. "Thank you, everyone. You can get back to work. Harry, come with me." There was a group that followed them into one of the meeting rooms. Harry took a seat next to the head, that was reserved for Irving.

Irving started a speech. "It's been a long process, Harry, but you're finally here. Congratulations on that. You are an amazing writer, and we all wish you success. So, with that, we have a few more things to cover. In a couple of minutes, we'll be having a mini photoshoot of you, some with us, some of you holding the book. Then, we'll discuss some important upcoming dates for your signings. And next, we'll watch the book go live on the website." Harry wasn't really aware of that. He started sweating wished he was wearing a dark shirt.

A woman with a team holding a lot of boxes came in and crowded around Harry. Okay, that was unexpected. "Come with us, darling." She beckoned him, and he followed.

He was led again to another meeting room. This one held a station to put on makeup and get hair done. On the other side was a black backdrop where he assumed he'd be taking pictures.

It all happened so fast. They were putting powder on his face and fluffing up his hair, and then he was being led to the other side where he posed as best he could with other people and the book. He was awkward, what did they expect? When he was done, they left the book on a stool and started taking pictures of it like it was human. He had to admit, it felt like something else to be able to hold his book in his hand, there finally being a physical copy.

It took longer than he thought because when they finally got back to the original meeting room, there was only ten minutes left to go. Everyone sat around the table, looking extremely bored like they were just waiting for the clock to move faster, so they could get out of here.

He felt a buzz in his pocket and quickly glanced at everyone before pulling it out under the table. Louis had texted him.

You look yummy ;)

Attached was one of the pictures he took just a few minutes ago. Damn, they worked fast.

Harry decided not to reply.

People started shuffling a bit, and Harry looked up to a giant screen being pulled down. They were actually watching this live. Like, live live.

Irving turned his seat around, so he could look. He looked at the clock. Only seconds left. Harry's heart dropped a bit at the number of pre-orders. Jeff saw his saddened face and reassured him. "We don't want a lot of pre-orders because they don't count in order to rank your book, especially on Amazon. Don't worry." Jeff gave him a smile.

The time changed to 8am, and it felt like watching paint dry. All of a sudden, the number went up by a few. Everyone around him clapped. He didn't know that such a small number would generate the response. It was probably just his family if he wanted to be honest.

He felt a couple buzzes in his pocket which pretty much confirmed his thought (which he later learned were Instagram DM's from fans who had just bought the book. He made sure to thank them personally).

Harry smiled weakly at everybody. Still nervous.

Irving stood up. "Thank you, everyone. Meeting adjourned." Harry stayed still. When everyone, minus Jeff, had filed out of the room he began speaking again, "Throughout the day, the sales will increase. It's still really early, don't worry. I'll send you an email tonight about how the book did today and whether or not it met its goals. Which I'm sure it will." Irving gave him a wink before leaving the room with Jeff.

Harry sat alone for a few moments, feeling a few more buzzes in his pocket before leaving the building with his head hung low.

He called his mum as soon as he got back to the apartment. Part of him wished Louis was here.

His mum screamed into the phone as soon as he picked up causing Harry to wince and pull it away from his ear. "I just bought a copy! I'm so proud of you!"

"Thanks, mum," Harry said, a little under the weather.

"Everyone in my book club bought one, too. It's our next book!" Of course his mum would be in a book club. And leave it to his mum to analyze his book with a bunch of other ladies.

"Thank you for getting the word out at home," Harry said, putting the phone on speaker.

"Of course, my love. How is everything else?" Harry knew she meant Louis.

"Pretty good. He's really excited to meet you." Nervous, more like.

"Well, I'm sure I'll love him." His mum was silent for a few moments. "I know this is silly, but I am sad that I won't see you the whole time you're here."

Harry felt his eyes well up with tears at the sound of his mum's sad voice. "I know, mum. I told you Louis' situation, so I have to be there."

Anne sighed. "I know. I know. It just makes me sad, is all. You're all grown up now." Harry definitely didn't feel a tear slipping down his cheek. "Well, I'll let you go now. Love you so much, Hazzy."

Harry rolled his eyes at the nickname. "Love you too, mum. Bye."

^^^^^

"So, Harry what was it you wanted to speak about?" his therapist asked him as soon as they were settled into their socially assigned seats.

Harry took a deep breath. "I know that you usually let me analyze myself, and it's been working great. But I can't figure out why I can't tell Louis I love him." He left it all out there.

She nodded, taking a short note. "Okay, would you like me to tell you my opinion?" Harry nodded desperately. She pulled the glasses up on to her head. "Harry, you are fiercely independent. That's one of the first things I noticed about you. The fact that you didn't ask for help from Louis living with him until the last second. The fact that you moved here all on your own. The fact that you've never been in a relationship until now. I don't think you know anything other than independence, but I also don't think you realize that."

"What do you mean?" Harry furrowed his eyebrows.

"One of the first things we talked about was your memories, and how you're extremely attached to them. Because you constantly have these memories playing in your head, they trick your brain into thinking these are your present matters. Your brain thinks this is what is happening. So, what I'm trying to say is that your brain thinks you have all these people surrounding you, taking care of you like as a teen and a college student, but not anymore, and your brain doesn't realize that you are on your own."

"Wouldn't that mean I think I'm independent?" The words confused him.

She crossed her arms and continued. "No, your brain thinks you are being dependent. In a way, you are depending on those memories. So, it's tricking you into believing that you are depending on Louis more than you actually are." Harry still looked confused. "Your book came out today, right?" He nodded. "Did you talk to Louis about how you were nervous or even earlier about how the launch went?"

Fuck. "No, I didn't."

She stared at him. "You love him, but you are afraid of letting go of those memories and making new ones with Louis in them. It's not that you don't know how to love, it's that you are afraid of depending on him."

And fuck. Niall was right all those months ago when he yelled at Harry for leaving. "I'm drowning in my memories because I can't let them go. I can't let myself go."

His therapist smiled at him.

^^^^^

As promised, Louis made a romantic meal. Well, it was just pasta, but the candles really set the mood.

Ever since he saw his therapist, he's been afraid of Louis. Well, afraid of himself around Louis.

He was being so cautious because now that he knew the truth about himself, he wondered if everyone else around him did, too. It wasn't logical, but he couldn't help the warning signals that went off in his brain anytime anyone looked at him for too long.

Louis sat down at the table, stirring Harry from his thoughts. He poured some wine out of the bottle that had been sitting on the table.

"I know I've already told you a million times, but this dinner is for you because I'm so proud of you, and you deserve this after everything. I'm also proud of the book for accomplishing its goals." Louis smiled and held up his glass to toast with Harry.

"Thank you so much, Lou. This means so much to me."

Louis grabbed Harry's hand across the table in response.

They ate their first few bites in silence, sneaking looks at one another till the other caught the other and blushed.

"Have you got any reviews yet?" Louis asked out of the blue.

Harry chuckled at the memory of Irving texting a screenshot to him. "Only one so far." Louis had an eyebrow raised in question. "Haunting. Was all it said."

Louis let out laughter. His eyes crinkling at the corners, and his hair falling in his eyes, and Harry's heart burst with fond. "At least it was positive."

Maybe it was simply that Harry was afraid of the three words slipping from his tongue.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is the chapter everyone's been waiting for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hereeeee's the next one. i hope you enjoy this one. it's a bit sad, but it gets better next chapter. thank you guys for reading! as always, kudos, comments, and constructive criticism are always welcome! all the love, cassidy.

Louis' leg wouldn't stop shaking. They were sitting in the airport seats, waiting for their flight to board. Harry just stared at his leg that really wouldn't stop moving up and down at a fast and consistent pace. He could feel his own chair shaking.

Harry eventually rested a hand there so the movement would stop. Louis looked at him. "Sorry, I‒"

"I know," Harry interrupted. He put his bookmark in the book he was reading and closed it. "It's okay." Harry faced Louis in his seat. If anyone were looking at the scene, they'd probably assume he was a nervous flier. "Are you hungry. Thirsty?" Harry asked, really unsure of how to console his boyfriend. There wasn't anything he could do to necessarily make the situation better; that would come with time. Louis shook his head. Harry let out a small breath, keeping his patience intact. "When I was on the flight coming here, there was this little boy that was nervous for the flight, and him and his two dads sat next to me. I told him that flying was fun and that all the people and cars would look like ants in the sky." Louis turned to him finally. "I know that you're not scared of the plane, but you still have a seven hour flight to get through. You can't do anything now; no use worrying about it."

Louis did roll his eyes, and Harry understood why. He was only trying his best. "You're right. It's just hard to listen to "Don't worry," ya know?" Harry squeezed the hand on Louis' thigh. "What's the schedule again?"

Louis had asked him this about ten times in the past hour.

Harry didn't mind though, as long as it helped Louis. "So, 16th through the 19th we'll be at yours. Then we drive early morning on the 20th to be at mine for the Christmas party. Then come back to yours through your birthday. Then the rest of the time at mine. Leave on the 30th. My mum asked if your family wanted to come to her Christmas party by the way."

Louis ignored him. "Do you think they'll be mad when they see me?"

Harry sighed, his heart leaping a bit for his boyfriend's state. "I do know that you're their family. I'm sure they miss you so much, and that they'll be awfully excited to see you." Louis' leg started bouncing up and down again, even with Harry's hand.

Though, he did start smiling. Harry waited for him to begin talking though. "Dan is my step-dad. He's amazing with the girls...and Ernest." Harry listened attentively. "He's an amazing dad to us all. Lottie is the oldest; I'm sure she's gonna hate you at first but don't worry. I've heard that she's just been an angel with the rest of the kids since my mum died; she really stepped up." He paused for a moment. "I guess I'm most scared of what she'll say, since she ended up having to play the oldest role, instead of me. Fizz is the next. Absolute sweetheart. You two will get along amazingly. Phoebe and Daisy are twins. God, last I saw them they were little kids. They've grown up now. I'm proud of them. Doris and Ernest are the youngest, also twins. They recognize me when we Facetime, but I'm scared that they won't know me when they actually see me."

Harry gave him a small smile. He loved hearing Louis talk about his family, but he knew it was hard for him.

"What about you? What's yours like?" Harry could hear how Louis' voice shook with every word.

Harry smiled. "Well, you met Gemma. My mum Anne is the best mum; she's such an amazing person, and I look up to her so much. I can't wait to see her." There was a part of Louis that was glad that Harry didn't dance around the subject of his mum. "And my stepdad Robin is a really amazing guy, too. Him and my mum are just so in love." Harry had the most massive smile on his face; Louis couldn't help but copy him. "All of them are gonna love you so much, Louis."

The older one got a little shy at that as he looked down at his lap. His cheeks became a little red at the word 'love'. Him and Harry were still a little uncomfortable with that whole conversation. They hadn't talked about the topic since their day in the park. There were definitely things that still were left out in the open, but they figured that they'd come with them as they went. Louis knew that Harry had spontaneously gone to therapy after their blowup, so he wondered if anything came from that.

But, they also had not had sex ever since the first time, so Louis was dying. He gave up trying even, knowing that Harry wasn't okay with trying again. Maybe one day soon.

The whole situation with Harry possibly made the whole trip even more stressful, knowing that he doesn't have a perfect relationship at the moment, so he'll have to deal with that and his family. He did feel better, though, having Harry by his side through this. Knowing that he could lean on someone if needed. He just wished they weren't toeing around each other.

^^^^^

Louis constantly checked the map on the back of the seat in front of him to see where the plane was, or how close he was to being home. Harry wondered if he was at all excited because all he saw were nerves. By the time the plane reached the UK, he really got antsy. (Harry was glad he ended up buying Louis the window seat, so he couldn't bother anyone.)

"Distract me. Tell me a story, Haz." Louis shook his hands out while he spoke.

Harry thought for a moment, smiling a bit when the memory came to him. "There was this one time. I think my neighbor, at the time, and I were somewhere around seven? Anyways, I had this tree in my backyard that was really tall, and we decided at that moment that we needed a treehouse." He heard Louis let out a small chuckle. "We didn't have any, uh, wood planks, but we did know that wood came from trees. So we got the saw from my garage and cut off this one branch that was connected to the trunk. We didn't really think about it, because the branch seemed really small, but apparently it was connected to other small branches and a lot of leaves. So we cut it down, and it fell right on top of our fence. Somehow, it was big enough to knock it down." Louis let out a laugh. "The neighbors were pissed. My parents weren't even home." Harry laughed and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Is the tree still there?" Louis asked quietly.

He nodded. "Still there." Louis let out a heavy breath, and Harry wrapped their hands together, hoping to give comfort to Louis. He seemed to relax slightly.

It was a few moments later when Louis wanted to be distracted again. "How's the book going?"

Harry rubbed his thumb back and forth on the back of Louis' hand. "It's going really good. People are loving it. This one person said that they finished it in one night, and that they hadn't done that since they were a teenager." Louis didn't respond, so he continued. "Irving wants another book as soon as possible. I keep putting him off because I have no ideas." He sarcastically chuckled.

Louis searched Harry's face for a moment. "You could be the author that just makes stories out of allusions." He smirked. "You could do Adonis next. I think I'd like to read that." Harry had to let out a laugh.

"I'll have to think about that one."

^^^^^

When they were off the plane and through customs and picked up their checked bags, Harry insisted on carrying them, so that he didn't have to worry about them when he saw Dan and Lottie. Louis rolled his eyes but handed them over to Harry anyways. The four bags made him look a bit like a donkey (and Louis like a pretentious dick), but Harry looked satisfied.

Harry could see the way that Louis looked more excited now. How he knew that they were home now just made it all seem more real. As they were nearing the exit, Harry's own nerves started picking up, since he'd be meeting Louis' family. That seemed like it was going to be kinda scary by the way that Louis spoke of Lottie's protectiveness.

They were finally outside, staring at the line of cars that were practically parked, waiting for their family and friends. Louis looked a little defeated.

"I didn't realize how much time has passed, but I don't even know which‒oof!" Louis was cut off by a young girl crashing into him and tackling him into a hug. She really came at him with full force.

"Louis! You're here!" She tightened her embrace around him as they rocked back and forth. Harry assumed that this must be Lottie. The hugging pair both had tears rolling down their faces. Harry couldn't help but smile happily at the two, of course he had tears in his own eyes. Another man was standing next to them in a similar position to Harry, smiling with tears in his eyes. This must be Dan.

The man made eye contact with Harry and moved towards him. Harry's heart rate picked up. He was about to go in for a handshake, but he was glad that he didn't make it too obvious since Dan went for a hug. He pulled back and now went for a handshake. "I'm Dan, it's very nice to meet you, Harry."

"You, too." Harry copied the massive smile on Dan's face as he pulled him in for another hug which left Harry a bit surprised.

"Thank you so much. This means so much to all of us." Dan patted his back a few times. He pulled back with even more tears in his eyes.

Louis and Lottie let go of each other, and Dan quickly moved in to Louis' arms. Lottie moved to Harry and scoffed which terrified him.

"Of course he'd make you carry the bags." Harry released the tension and chuckled and was about to say something before he was pulled into another hug. They pulled back. "Louis, you didn't tell me how cute he is!" Louis blushed and smiled. Harry couldn't fight his own smile as he thought of how well her and Gemma would get on.

"It is really nice to meet both of you," Harry tried to be as charming as possible without coming off as too proper. He wasn't sure it worked, though.

"We can't thank you enough, Harry," Lottie said. "This means everything to us, and we already consider you family." Harry couldn't help when his eyes traveled to Louis'. He was sure they both held surprised looks on their faces.

Dan swooped in the potentially awkward moment. "I'm sure you guys are hungry and tired. Let's get going. We could stop by Woodfields."

Louis' eyes lit up. "No way they're still open!" Dan only nodded.

Dan drove while Lottie sat in the front seat. Louis pulled Harry to sit next to him in the middle seat. As they got closer to Doncaster, Louis started pointing out places to share stories or tell him what they were. His favorite story was the place where he had his first real kiss with a girl and instantly hated it.

To which Lottie said, "He even went home to mum complaining how he didn't like girls." That got the whole car laughing.

Even if the drive was almost three hours, they made it by 10am. Harry and Louis were practically dead on their feet when they stood out of the car. And hungry, really hungry.

As soon as they walked into the small diner, all eyes went to Louis. Harry instantly realized how much he missed the small atmosphere that English towns had. It made him feel a lot at home. They took a seat at a booth, and one of the older waitresses immediately followed them.

"Louis! My dear! How much you've grown!" Louis stood and hugged her.

"I've missed you, Margaret," Louis said in response.

"Oh please, you've just missed my blueberry pie," she laughed. "Regular for you guys?" The tables' eyes turned to Harry. "Oh my, who's this?"

Louis stepped in. "This is Harry, my boyfriend." Louis smiled fondly.

Margaret put her hands on her hips and looked to the other side of the booth. "You two never mentioned a boyfriend." She turned to Harry. "Don't worry, hon, I'll get you the best on the menu." She left without writing any orders down.

"We've been coming here for ages. This was where I got my first job, I was a busser." Louis smiled proudly causing Harry to copy.

Lottie looked over at the couple, and Harry could see the look in her eyes, not judgmental but almost thoughtful. She didn't mention anything about the two of them. "We all took bets on how much you'd lose your accent. Surprised how much it's intact." Louis looked relieved.

"You see, in New York, people always love the accents. So, I don't know what I'd do without it."

"Attracts all the boys, I'm sure," Margaret said as she started putting down some drinks for them. Hot chocolate mostly, with some waters. She winked at Harry.

Louis caught the gesture. "He's actually from Manchester."

"Oh, really? Welcome home then, you two."

^^^^^

Harry and Louis unpacked their bags from the back of the car. They told Lottie and Dan to go in before them so that they could collect themselves before being attacked by so many other people.

Harry smiled when they were alone. "See? You had nothing to worry about, babe."

Instead of responding, Louis leaned up and pressed a chaste kiss to Harry's lips. "Thank you for being here and everything." Harry pulled him back to give him a longer kiss.

The kiss started getting a bit more heated as they both had their fingers tangled in each other's hair. It possibly could have gone a bit further if it wasn't for four girls and one boy running out and literally tackling Louis onto the grass which effectively pulled the two away from one another.

High pitched screams shouted Louis' name as they rested their body weight on him.

"Girls, Ernest, c'mon, let him breathe!" Dan shouted, but he was laughing and looked like he really enjoyed the moment. The girls finally let up and got off of him. Louis pulled them each into a proper hug when he was free.

"How are my girls doing? Ern, what about you, buddy?" Louis picked him up and propped him on his hip. "You're getting big, huh?" He smiled a bright smile and nodded quickly.

Yeah, Harry was definitely in love.

"Let's go inside," Dan waved them in the house. Harry made eye contact with Louis; he knew he was nervous about this part, not being sure if anything had changed or not.

When they stepped inside, Harry could tell Louis was having mixed emotions. Lottie pulled him over to the living room.

"It looks the same. It reminds me so much of mum." Louis wanted to cry. His mum's death hadn't really ever hit him as hard as in that moment. It was weird coming back to his whole family while there was one missing piece. It didn't feel complete, and he didn't like how it changed from when he left. He'd never experienced this house without his mum.

Lottie pulled him into another hug which sent him into tears again, actual sobs made his whole body shake. Soon enough, everyone in the room were in tears, knowing exactly why Louis reacted this way.

"Sorry, sorry. I just... This is a lot. I missed you all so much." Louis turned to everyone else. He wiped his tears and waved Harry over. "This is Harry, and he's my boyfriend. I love him a lot, so please be nice to him." The older girls laughed a bit. And Harry turned to him in surprise, not hearing those words in a while. He wondered if it was a slip of the tongue. His suspicions were correct when he saw that Louis had a similar expression dancing across his features.

"So, Louis, I hope you and Harry don't mind the couch. It does pull out," Dan said.

"It's home, so I don't care." He smiled at Harry.

Louis made a show of the tour of the house. He showed him pictures, told stories, reenacted moments, it was a sight to see. Unfortunately, his room had been turned into Doris and Ernest's room, so he didn't have anything to show off in there.

"You should have seen my Spiderman sheets. I loved those things." Harry laughed and wrapped his arms around Louis' waist.

^^^^^

By the time night came around, Harry and Louis were very relieved. Taking a red-eye flight to a bunch of chaos was exhausting. But they both felt very content.

When everyone had trickled back into their room, they were able to have their first conversation. Harry started. "So, you happy to be back?"

Louis nodded, happily. "So much. Harry you are the best person, I swear. I don't know how I got so lucky with you." Harry kissed Louis' temple. "I really wish we had a door right now, so I could properly thank you." He laughed.

Harry raised an eyebrow. "There's always the bathroom," he suggested, poking his tongue out of his lips.

Louis let out a loud laugh. "You know, we've been exclusive for almost two months. November 1st."

"I know. It feels like longer," he sighed into Louis' chest, leaving visible goosebumps over his skin.

"I agree. Well, we've known each other for almost seven months."

"That's just...wow." He pondered for a moment. "I'm really glad that after all this we're together." Louis nodded in agreement, watching closely as Harry's eyes began to flutter shut. "And being home, it's like I don't feel as lonely anymore."

Louis was surprised that Harry didn't jerk up with the sound of his heart breaking in his chest.

^^^^^

The drive to Harry's house was silent. They had taken Lottie's car, since they were only going to be gone for a day. In fact, the couple had been very silent with each other, anyways. Lottie asked him about it, even. She wondered if it was normally like that, or if something had happened. He didn't answer definitively, but he gave her a look, and she knew what he meant.

Louis had been spending a lot of time with the older ones, whereas Harry was with Doris and Ernest a lot. It may have hurt Louis a little that they had as much emotional connection to Harry as they did Louis. But he supposed he was the one to blame for that.

They seemed to have created their own cliques, so the only time they interacted was at night.

Harry knew something was off between them, he just wasn't sure what. His best guess was that he said something in a tired daze the first night. He didn't really want to be the first to bring it up either, so the whole hour and a half ride was silent, save for the GPS spitting out directions. Harry didn't even understand what could have been so bad that Louis was giving him the silent treatment.

The silence was gone as soon as they stepped foot in the driveway of Harry's home. Anne instantly pulled Harry into a crushing hug, complete with tears rushing down her face.

"Oh, my baby. You're finally home." Louis noticed that Harry had his own tears. After what he said after the first night and seeing his reaction to being truly home, why was he in New York at all? Anne traveled to Louis when her and her son pulled apart. "Louis, my goodness. You are so handsome!" He couldn't help the small chuckle that came from his lips when she pulled him into a hug. Harry's step dad Robin pulled him into one of the man-hugs which contrasted from the way his own step dad acted. Louis recognized Gemma from their Facetime, so they pulled each other into a happy hug. This meeting was definitely less chaotic than the one at Louis' house.

Well, until they got inside.

There were a lot of people inside who instantly crowded around Harry wanting to hear everything about himself. (He later learned these were cousins and his mum's work friends who were there for the Christmas party). Louis' stomach instantly fell when he thought about the party. He totally forgot to mention it to his family. Louis wondered if Harry noticed. How could he not?

Anne made her way to Louis. "I heard the girls weren't feeling well. That's too bad; it would have been lovely to see them." Louis nodded and smiled, hoping it wasn't too much of a pained one. "Here, I'll go show you to Harry's room." He followed her up the stairs and into the childhood room of his boyfriend.

"Thanks, Mrs. Twist." Anne looked so happy that she could cry.

"I'm sorry. I'm a bit emotional. Harry's just never had a boyfriend, so you being here, and you being so sweet is just a blessing. I'm so happy for you both." She pulled Louis in for another hug. "I'll go rescue Harry. And please, call me Anne."

Harry's room looked exactly as he expected. Well, mostly like he had expected. There were books everywhere. Ones he's read, ones he's never heard of, ones he refused to go near as a teen in school. The books gave the most personality to the room. His bedspread was the blue that he always said Harry looked amazing in. The walls were white and mostly plain, save for a few pictures that Harry took himself.

"Hey," Harry announced himself when he walked in, setting down his day bag.

"Harry, I'm so sorry. I totally forgot to mention it to them; I just remembered now. You didn't have to lie to your mum, though. I'm sorry," Louis confessed.

"It's okay. I know the whole thing was a lot for you. I get it." Harry sounded sweet, but Louis could hear the slight awkwardness in his tone. "Nap? You drove here, I'm sure you're tired."

It had been a chaotic trip so far filled with a bunch of kids, so he hasn't gotten proper sleep. "A nap sounds good."

Harry smiled before ruffling through his bag to get out two pairs of sweats. He threw one at Louis who didn't expect it. Well, he expected the throw but didn't expect for Harry to bring a pair for him. It was almost domestic. Okay, Louis just felt massively confused at this point. Maybe he was reading too much into it, but it seemed like Harry was giving him mixed signals about really trying to commit in this relationship.

When they settled down in the bed, Harry rolled to face Louis. "I locked the door, so if you would like to do anything right now?" Harry nudged his nose closer to Louis' cheekbone.

Fuck, he would like to.

"Haz? Can I talk to you about something?" He opted for instead.

Harry pulled back almost instantly. "Yeah, what's up?" He looked nervous, and he supposed he did, too.

"It's just...does this whole trip feel weird to you? Or is it just me?" Louis stared at the ceiling. How did Harry never feel like he was in a prison with these walls?

Louis felt the bed dip as Harry pulled back, obviously offended. "Maybe it just isn't what you were expecting, Lou. It feels normal to me. I love your family." Louis didn't react at his choice of words. "There is the whole issue of us not talking to each other."

He may have liked Harry better when he skirted around topics and wasn't honest.

Louis sighed.

So, Harry began talking again. "Part of me is assuming the silence is because we never really introduced this side of ourselves to each other. Like we don't fit in the picture. That sounds sad, but..."

Louis wanted to cry because Harry didn't know what was wrong. He nodded a few tears away. "Yeah, Haz. You're probably right." Louis rolled onto his side, away from Harry, and tried to get some sleep.

He couldn't though. Not with his mind racing constantly leaving the thought of how Harry wasn't happy in New York. He came to that conclusion by seeing the way he interacted with the type of people he was familiar with. His friends, his family. He had a genuine smile on his face. For the life of him, he couldn't figure out why Harry ever wanted to leave this place. Not to mention, his family just seemed so close to one another. How could he leave that? Well, Louis did the same, so he understood that part.

If Harry wasn't happy in New York, it meant he wasn't happy with Louis. Harry mentioned that he felt lonely in New York. Louis clearly wasn't enough. If Harry didn't feel lonely at home, then why wouldn't he just stay here. Did Harry even want to go back to New York after being back here? He didn't even love Louis, so, at some point, what was the point?

Louis double checked to make sure that Harry was asleep and quietly slid out of bed to grab his laptop. Maybe this wouldn't be a good idea in the long run, but it would certainly save Harry's happiness.

^^^^^

"Happy birthday, Louis!" Harry gently shook his boyfriend awake, wanting to get to him before everyone else did. He finally fluttered his eyes. "Happy birthday!" Harry peppered kisses all over Louis' face which caused him to laugh lightly. "Good morning." Louis fully opened his eyes to see his boyfriend staring him down with a wide smile. The sight made him almost regret doing what he did a few days ago. Almost.

Louis let out a slight moan. "God, you look beautiful." He only needed to play a character for two more days. Louis could do this; he was fine.

Harry rolled his eyes at the compliment. "I have something for you." Louis raised his eyebrows, prompting Harry to stand and go fetch something. "I went with Fizz yesterday to get this done." He handed Louis a small box with a bow tied around it. "Open it."

The bow easily came undone. He pulled the top off the box and inside was a small book with no labels on the front. Louis looked up, confused, but Harry prompted him to continue with a slight nod. He lifted the book and set it down on his lap once Harry took the box. Flipping open the first page, he was met with a sight of pictures of Louis and himself. "I told you not to get me anything." Louis said looking up from the pictures.

Harry just had this massive smile on his face. "It was like ten pounds, don't worry about it."

"Thank you, Haz," he said, flipping the page again. "These are beautiful." All the pictures were photographs that Harry took. They were all so artistic, and it was amazing to see how many pictures of Louis that Harry managed to sneak. "Thank you." He closed the book, deciding he'd take more peaks at it later. Louis leaned forward to kiss his boyfriend quickly.

Harry pulled Louis pack against his lips, clearly wanting more than just a quick kiss. "Shower?" he asked quietly when they had pulled back. It was pretty clear to Louis what Harry wanted; however, contrasting with before, it was Louis this time rejecting the advances. After what happened back in New York, one would think that Louis would be all in for anything sexual, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it.

"We should get breakfast going before everyone is awake," Louis excused. "I think someone promised me pancakes this morning." He rose his eyebrows.

Harry chuckled, but Louis caught onto the shortness of it. "Yeah, that I did." Harry poked a finger out in agreeance and stood up to walk to the kitchen.

Louis sighed, wanting to tear up the picture book more than anything. He couldn't wait for this to be over. Two days.

^^^^^

That same night, Louis had to say goodbye to his family. Harry also had to say goodbye to people he would now consider family. The hardest part for Louis was not knowing how long he'd go without seeing them again.

Luckily, he didn't cry, but he did feel a heaviness in his heart that just sat there, almost waiting to be poked at. Louis wondered how long it would take until the feeling got the message and went away. Probably never.

"I love you, Louis," Lottie whispered into his ear as they hugged. "We'll never go this long without seeing each other again, got that?" Louis nodded in agreeance, really hoping that to be true.

His family dropped them off at the airport to take the extremely short flight over to Manchester, and Louis felt like the heaviness would never leave him.

It didn't help that Harry was trying to comfort him as much as possible, only making things worse. He knew that Harry felt guilty; they were going to his family's afterall. Louis wanted to tell him that he shouldn't feel that way, but he couldn't bring himself to.

The whole time they were waiting for the flight (and even during the flight), Harry had some type of physical contact with him. Whether that be a hand on his knee or his arm around his waist, Harry was constantly touching him. Any other time he would have appreciated and loved it, but not right before he's going to do what he'd been planning.

^^^^^

Harry had finally let go of him when they arrived at his mum's. Obviously, he was still uncomfortable with showing physical affection in front of his parents, something he never had the opportunity to do before. Louis was never more grateful.

That night, Louis got into bed before Harry did. He was still rustling about the room, the bathroom light still shining.

"Hey, Lou," Harry said while walking out of the bathroom, turning the light off behind him. Louis looked at him attentively, his eyes adjusting to the now dark. "I know you said not to get anything for you for the holidays, and I already did, but I got you something for Christmas, too."

Louis rolled his eyes and smiled. All he wanted to do, though was scream and shout.

Harry dug through his own bag, pulling something from the bottom. "It's not wrapped." He handed Louis the book. "It's the original opera Lucia. Well, as close as they could get in English." Louis held the book like a grenade. His fingertips supporting the least amount of weight as possible. He didn't want this. He couldn't have this. "I wanted you to read this." Harry paused. "Because I'm sharing the book with the world." Louis recalled the time when Harry told him that he was counting on the fact that nobody had heard of the opera. "But I wanted to keep this between you and me." Harry lightly tapped the book with his pointer finger. Louis felt the extra weight in his hands with each tap.

He didn't know what to say, and he was sure his face told Harry that. Turning the book around a few times in his hands, he felt the smoothness of the cover contain his hands. "I would have learned Italian just for you."

In retrospect, he didn't know why he said that. It was too soft, too comfortable. Too much for what he would do in about thirty-six hours.

This was Harry saying, "Have all of me." He was finally saying this. Louis remembered Zayn's words. Actions speak louder than words. Something he's heard since a child, but never really grasped the meaning until now. He knew that this was Harry saying, "I love you, and I trust you with everything in me."

Louis couldn't accept it, though. Not now. Not after seeing Harry be so at home here. With his friends and family, and even with Louis' family. Louis knew in his heart that Harry wasn't happy in New York. He decided that Harry didn't belong in New York, and Louis made that decision without consulting him.

Louis looked up to meet Harry's eyes and realized that the statement had even more weight than he intended.

"I know you would have learned Italian, but you shouldn't have to. I'm giving this to you in both Italian and English, so that you can have me. And be the only one that has me." Harry connected his hand to Louis' knee.

Fuck. Louis felt like the heaviness inside him would drop below the Earth's surface and take him with it.

^^^^^

"Merry Christmas, Mum," Harry said while giving her a hug. He had gotten up before anyone else and enjoyed some tea while waiting for everybody else. His mum was first.

Anne smiled; it was almost as if Harry could feel the warmth that radiated from it. "Merry Christmas, love." She looked around. "How about some hot chocolate for us two?" She gave him a secretive look. He nodded. While making the hot chocolate, she struck up a conversation. "I noticed that there is nothing under the tree for Louis."

Well, that was blunt. "Um, yeah. I already gave him...his gift."

Anne stirred the liquid in the pot, making sure the milk didn't boil over. "Am I allowed to know what it is or am I too young for that?" Harry could hear the teasing in her tone. She turned around and smiled.

"It's nothing like that, Mum. I just preferred to give it to him in private." He took a breath as a pause. "It's a book that just means a lot to the both of us." Is what he went with.

She nodded. Harry could feel the way the air shifted. "You two seemed to have gotten close quite quickly." Anne reached up in the cupboards for two mugs and poured the liquid in each of them. Harry didn't know what to say, so he opted for silence. "You like him a lot, don't you?"

She sat down in the seat next to him; there was no getting away from this now. "I do, yeah." His mum nodded slowly. He raised his eyebrows as if he was daring her to say what she wanted. "You know that I support whatever choice you make, but love, are you happy with him? The both of you just seem very distant from each other." Harry was put back, a bit dumbfounded. "Maybe I'm wrong then." She shrugged right before Gemma came down the stairs to join them.

A bit later the five of them were all seated downstairs. Harry's mum forced her kids and Louis to all wear Santa hats. Of course, Harry got the one that said 'Humbug' on it. They put on some Christmas music and started to exchange gifts.

Anne went first, opening up a candle from Gemma, a new robe from Harry (and Louis), and a gift card to their favorite restaurant from Robin.

Robin opened up a shaving kit from Anne, a button up shirt from Gemma, and a mug that keeps the temperature from Harry (and Louis).

Gemma opened some makeup products from Anne and Robin and some camera film she'd been needing from Harry (and Louis).

Next was Harry who opened a new journal from Gemma and some bookends shaped like city skylines (which got the whole room to be a bit in awe) from Anne and Robin.

The last gift was from Louis to Harry. He had bought it a while ago, so it would have time to be prepared. When nothing had gone wrong yet. Harry gave him a small smile before digging through the tissue paper in the bag, his mum's words still sitting heavily in his brain.

He opened to find a t-shirt with a lot of very small print. Louis could see how the entire room seemed to have raised an eyebrow, so Louis was quick to explain. "It's your book. Your book's entire text is on that shirt."

"That's so wonderful, Louis!" Anne said immediately.

Harry, though, had an inquisitive look on his face. "I...this is...wow. I don't know what to say, sorry. Thank you, Lou," Harry finally settled on with a sheepish look on his face. Like something was wrong.

Later on Christmas day, when they were settling into bed, he found out what was wrong. He wasn't going to bring it up, but Harry did.

"Don't get me wrong, I liked the shirt, but what gave you the idea?" he asked from where he was lying in bed.

"You've worked so hard, Harry. You should be proud that you've accomplished something this big." Louis didn't wanna lay down just yet. And every word felt like a knife in his throat.

Harry sighed. "It's just that it's literally about murder. I don't want to walk around wearing a shirt that exemplifies that."

Louis sighed this time and squeezed his eyes shut. He was turned around now, pretending to dig through the drawers. Louis was already fully dressed though. "Then don't, Harry!" His initial reaction came out louder than intended. He sighed again and leaned his arms onto the dresser. "I know your issue with it, but you should be proud of it. Don't shy away from it."

Harry had gone quiet.

It was only a few hours later when Louis could tell that Harry had fallen fast asleep. His breath had gone even, and there were ever-so-slight snores coming from his mouth. Louis gently pulled the covers off of himself and climbed out of bed. Fuck, he was really doing this.

He tiptoed across the room to get out his suitcase. Unzipping it would be loud, so he pulled on the zipper hard so that there would be less noise. He quickly looked to Harry and was relieved that he was still fast asleep. The night before, he had arranged his clothes (in the least suspicious way possible), so he could easily grab them.

He packed his clothes quickly. Afterall, it wouldn't be the end of the world if he had accidentally left a shirt or a pair of briefs here. It would only pain Harry.

Louis tiptoed into the bathroom, trying to be careful and feeling his way around. He opened up the medicine cabinet and, gloriously to his luck, a bottle of face wash thunked loudly down in the sink. Louis held his breath, waiting silently.

It must have taken a few moments for Harry to gather his thoughts when he awoke because he heard a slight, "Lou, are you alright?" from the bedroom. It was a few moments later that Harry must have gathered his consciousness. Louis could hear his feet padding across the floor to where he hid in the bathroom, still having yet to take a breath. Harry reached the bathroom and quickly flipped on the light. "What's going on?"

The answer was obvious. Louis had his damn suitcase packed with clothes just laying out on the floor.

"Louis."

He finally took a breath and quickly wondered how he got himself in this position. Louis was still turned away from Harry and towards the sink as if he was frozen.

"Please, Lou, what's going on?"

Louis could hear how definitely awake Harry was. Louis couldn't bring himself to speak.

"Why is your suitcase packed?" His voice was full of hurt, but if Louis didn't answer soon, he knew that anger would be coming.

Louis had no choice. "I didn't mean for you to find out like this." He still hadn't looked at Harry. If he did, Louis knew that Harry's eyes would be burning holes into his.

"What are you talking about?" There was the anger.

"I...Harry, I can't do this anymore."

There were a few moments of silence. "Louis, what?" His voice cracked, and Louis was so reminded of that one morning in the kitchen. "You're breaking up with me again?"

Louis finally turned to Harry and was surprised that he could even stand on his two feet. "We're not good for each other, Harry." Tears started to well up in Harry's eyes, and Louis willed himself to be strong.

"No, Louis. You can't do this again. You promised that you'd wait." Fuck, that hit Louis straight in the chest. The way that he almost barely could make out Harry's words because of how cracked they came out. And how tears were now rushing out of his eyes and down his cheeks at an impossible pace. There was a brief moment in Harry's thought process where he wondered if this was what Anne meant. She saw it coming before it even happened.

Louis looked down at Harry's feet and started to wonder if this was really a good idea at all. "I know I did. But this isn't about that anymore." Harry never lost eye contact even when his vision completely went blurry. "Harry, just seeing you here. You're happy. You love the people around you. This isn't the same you as the Harry I know in New York who's unsure of himself and lonely. Harry, you're lonely in New York, and you told me that. Stay here. I need you to stay here and be happy, please. I can't do that for you." A sob wrenched out of Harry's throat causing snot and tears to fly out. There was one that landed on Louis' wrist, and he wondered briefly if he should ever wash it again just so that he could hold on to Harry in some type of way.

"W-why didn't you talk to me?" Hurt raked through every inch of his voice, not leaving a spare free space for Louis to feel any type of relief.

"It's so obvious, Harry. I can't figure out why you ever came to New York because this is you, and I don't know this you." Another sob.

"Please, Louis. Don't do this," Harry pleaded with everything he had in him, but Louis couldn't see that.

Louis stood silent as he reached up to touch Harry's cheek, as if this was the last time he would ever get this opportunity. "I am Jonah, and you are Daniel," Louis broke the barrier of silence. He watched the tears begin to fall from Harry's eyes, ones that he may never look into again. "And together, we make Samson and Delilah." More tears began to rush from Harry.

Harry wanted to scream, wanted to protest. This was such a bad idea. But all he could choke out was a weak, "Lou."

Louis nodded, in understanding, but there's no way he could comprehend how Harry's heart ached. "Harry, my love, it is too hard to leave you, but this is better for us; better for you, I promise."


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the final chapter (well there's still the epilogue)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and the next one. i hope you enjoy this one too and thank you for reading! as always, kudos, comments, and constructive criticism are welcome! all the love, cassidy.

For some reason, pain was the greatest feeling. Not in a good way, but in a large way. Human pain was the feeling that people experience to the greatest degree. No type of happiness, no type of anger, no type of excitement could ever top the way that humans feel pain. Everyone has experienced it, but nobody can quite explain pain that it compared to what it really felt like.

It sticks, like the type of stick that clings, like skin tight clothing, peeled off at the end of a sweaty day. It's coiling, the type of when it coils around a neck, until that person can no longer even take a sip of a breath. It's crushing, a type of crushing defeat that is felt worse than Napoleon's. It stains, like the type of stain of spilling red wine onto fresh, white sheets.

The biggest one of all though, was that it was long-lasting. It never went away because it was in the little things. The small movements that would ignite a fire in their heart. Make it feel like their heart could turn to dust in only a matter of minutes. The physical pain, as well. Even when an ailment would go away, people are reminded every once in a while by the pain they once felt to a great degree, and they can feel the way it tortured their body with every move.

That was what heartbreak felt like. A heart can't really break, but it sure feels like it could. Like the way it feels like it quite literally had split in half. Or right after that falling into the pits of one's body. It's a paralyzing and fearful feeling.

Harry didn't move. He couldn't. There was no hope of him ever moving in the future. Not with the way his whole body felt like it disintegrated into dust, leaving the pain of his soul intact, though.

The first time this had happened, his legs were still able to keep him standing. This time though, his knees and the muscles gave out when Louis disconnected his hand from his cheek.

He curled up into a fetus position, not simply because of how his primal nature would be reminded of being in the womb, but also because, if he died right now because of the pain, he wouldn't choke on his own tears. Or the bile that he felt rising into his throat every once in a while but held off until when he was no longer paralyzed.

As his head was held against the floor, each sound that Louis made as he left was more amplified, and Harry thought he'd be hearing it forever. Each footstep was louder than he'd ever imagined they could be. And Harry felt the way that Louis had stopped behind his laying down, paralyzed body. And he couldn't believe that Louis had the strength to leave Harry lying there.

This whole thing was based off of Harry's happiness, but Harry could only remember what pain felt like.

Harry wasn't sure if he'd ever get past the first stage of grief. He wondered if Louis left with any type of tear in his eyes, or any type of pain in his body. Louis had left so marvelously. Like a prince leaving a battle won. (But he only one because the entire other side had perished).

Harry didn't know how long he had been lying there for. It was long enough for his mum to come check on them. But she opened the room to find one boy instead of two, unlike what she expected. Harry knew that she had shouted, but he wasn't sure what because, maybe he was overexaggerating, the sound seemed to have been muffled by the pain.

His mum had cradled him into her arms, reminding him of a childhood when he didn't know that pain could hurt this much.

Harry wasn't sure how long they stayed there for. Maybe if they stayed longer, his legs would officially give out, and he wouldn't have to deal with the hurt of standing.

Because Louis got it all wrong. Louis was his happiness. Louis was who he wanted to turn to. Louis was the person he wanted. The place he wanted to be. The feeling he always wanted to have. Louis was his home.

And his home was ripped away from him in a hurricane he didn't have any control over. Not even an evacuation warning.

"Harry." It wasn't his mum's voice this time. It was a male. Nothing like Louis' voice, though. His sweet melody. It was Robin's voice. His mum had been patient with him. But Robin wanted to know if Harry was dying or not, which could not be waited for. His ears had snapped back into life with the harsher tone. Snapped back to reality.

"Honey, we just want to know if you can stand," his mum whispered into his ear. They were all worried about him, and Harry knew it. There was a part of him that just wanted to stay glued to that spot forever, but he felt guilty for making them worry. He shifted his upper body first so that he was upright. But it was painful to move even though his initial pain was emotional. Maybe it was because he had spent hours in the same position. There was a brief moment in his mind when he wondered if Louis would have left if he had known the state Harry was in now.

Anne gathered his torso in her arms and leaned him back against her chest. He was so much larger than when they sat like this when he was a child. Harry used to be able to snuggle against her chest, but now she could only rest her chin on his shoulder.

It felt nice to Harry. Getting that type of physical interaction that he had missed while in New York. Something only a mother could give.

Harry could feel Robin and Gemma's presence somewhere in the room. Knowing that they were in some type of pain watching someone they love unable to respond.

His mum gently rubbed his clothed back igniting the nerves back into life, reminding him that he now could have the strength again to move.

It was in that moment when he realized that he was consciously aware that it was the first time in his life where he wouldn't be able to get out of the situation by sparing some details. He had a lot of explaining to do.

Gemma and Robin had left the room, leaving Harry and Anne together, letting Harry have the easiest time possible.

His mum listened patiently. She didn't judge when he admitted that he'd been lying to all of them about so much in his life. The only time she ever showed emotion was when Harry told her that he didn't have a home for a period of time.

But it was then when she realized why this hurt Harry so much. Louis had been there for him for seven months. Been patient. Been loving. She understood why they had both accepted each other back into their lives. She understood why he hurt so much.

And she was angry.

But she tried her hardest not to show it.

It wasn't that she was angry at Louis for breaking up with her son. That happens in life. She was angry because Louis took away everything Harry had in New York. Harry's relationship with Louis not only came with Louis but with a place to live, friends. It was relationship turned marriage much too quickly. And Louis didn't understand the responsibility of that. That's what she was mad at.

She didn't want to show her anger to Harry because she knew how happy he was with Louis. That he was going to try his hardest to get him back. Get his life back in New York. Because Louis decided Harry didn't belong in New York without even considering his feelings. It was a cop-out in Anne's opinion. A God-complex, almost. (She did tell Harry that one, and he had to try his hardest to not agree with her).

"What are your thoughts now? What do you want to do?" Anne asked when Harry was done telling him the story.

With that question Harry realized that maybe he was already stepping past the denial stage and into anger (like his mum, even though she kept her mouth shut, he could still tell) as he thought about all that Louis took from him.

"I don't know. I really don't." His voice was still cracking due to the hours he spent crying. "Our relationship keeps going wrong so quickly, and it's all my fault. What am I going to try that I haven't tried before?"

Anne sighed as she ran a hand through her son's hair. "I know you don't want to hear this, love, because you want to protect him because you love him, I know. But, have you ever considered that maybe this isn't your fault, but his?"

And, as Harry thought about it, he couldn't help but feel that his mum was right. "I suppose he did act quickly a lot of times." It was the only thing he could find himself able to admit.

"He never tried to talk things through with you. It sounds like every time you two would get closer as a couple, he would pull back. It's what he did every single time. Yes, you both made mistakes but look at you now, Harry. You've grown so much, and I'm amazed." She laughed a bit. "What Louis did was incredibly selfless, forgetting his own happiness for yours. But he forgot about the part where he asked you how you really felt."

Harry listened to every word his mum spoke and took it all in. "What do you think I should do, mum?"

Her heart broke at seeing how broken her son was, and how someone else had caused it. But she understood that Louis was who made him the happiest, even if Louis didn't realize it himself. He was blinded by his own feelings of being scared to get too deep. "I think you should do whatever thought brings you the most happiness."

^^^^^

Harry's head didn't clear up until the next day. He had spent most of the last sleeping when he could and cuddling with his family.

He knew what he wanted to do. And he knew how to do it. But it all relied on Louis to be okay with it. Be okay with loving each other and accepting it.

Harry's plan was to write Louis a letter. He didn't have a thing for speaking, but him and Louis both knew that he could write down his feelings. In the letter, he would tell Louis to meet him at a specific time after he got back to New York. He was staying in the UK for just as much time as he had planned, because he wanted them to both be away from each other, even for just a few days. And maybe this wouldn't really work out, but he sure hoped it would.

^^^^^

It was the next day when Louis got the letter. He wasn't expecting it, and it hit him like a ton of bricks when he opened his mailbox to see Harry's handwriting. If he was being honest, Louis didn't expect Harry to have any sort of communication with him ever again. But here it was, sitting inside Louis' palm, feeling like a handful of marbles.

There was a part of him that considered not opening it, just letting it sit inside some box to yellow with time. But he knew Harry. He knew that Harry would have expected Louis to think about that and plan something to counter that. That was his excuse anyway.

Staring at the letter when he finally got back into his apartment and settled at the kitchen table felt like when he was staring at Harry's unread book. Like he wasn't supposed to have it.

But Harry had written this for a reason. And he was lucky enough to have it. He ripped open the envelope as carefully as possible just in case he wanted to save this experience for the rest of his life.

Dear Louis,

I really wanted to tell you this in person. I really did. I didn't know when I was going to be able to, but I knew that I felt it every moment I was with you. I love you. You probably don't believe me. That I'm saying this just for the sake of this letter. But I do. I really love you.

We aren't perfect, and neither is our relationship, and that's okay. But I want to make it work. Only if you do, too.

I think the moment that I first realized that I loved you was when I was willing to wash your coffee cup every day just because. I know that sounds silly, but I want to wash your coffee cup every single day for the rest of our lives. And, no, this isn't some type of marriage proposal, but I am merely trying to tell you how much I love you, even if you don't realize it. Even if you don't accept it.

To be honest, Louis, what you did was cruel. The way you just left. It would have been crueler though if I hadn't woken up. In the morning, you would have been gone, no note, no text, no nothing. So, in a way, you weren't as cruel as you could have been.

I wish I could tell you that I'm okay, and that I still feel strong; that I'm over what you did. After all, we were only really together for two months, right? But I can't tell you that. I can't articulate the pain that I felt. I know you saw the pain in me, too. When you left even though I had collapsed on the ground. I'll never know how you had the strength to do so.

Maybe the thing I want most out of this letter is to understand. Understand why you left, because I really don't get why. You've seen the way that I've grown; the way that I've tried to better myself, but what about you, Louis? Am I the only one that has flaws?

I don't mean to sound angry or cruel, but I just want to say that I think you're scared of what this could turn into. This meaning our relationship. Maybe you're scared of this becoming too serious, but I don't know. I probably won't ever know, and you might not either. Like the way I can't understand why I can't trust fall. It might just be something you have to learn to live with. Or maybe it's even that you feel that you might be losing yourself within the relationship. Look at both of us, we're two completely different people than the people who met each other at the coffee shop.

I realize now that when you said that you'd learn Italian for me, that you were putting on a facade. That wasn't you. You had a mask on, trying to get past those few hours left with me to get back to yourself. Because I think the truth is that you wouldn't learn Italian for me. You aren't willing to change something in your life in order to understand another's. I'm sorry if that sounds rude.

If you had learned Italian for me, you'd still be here. You'd be able to see that I am happy with you. That I am myself around you. You've made my life so much better than I could ever imagine. And there was a time when I believed that my current life would never be able to top what memories I had made as a kid. But that all changed when I met you. Maybe throughout the trip, you were blinded by everything going on, but I was the same Harry that you've known. And that you've grown to love. You were the same Louis that I grew to love, up until the last couple days. I'm trying to run to you, but you keep making me chase. I think you've been thinking that I'm the only one with a Tower of Babel, but we each have our own.

I want you to know though, that even if I appreciate the things you've made me realize to better myself, the only person you can really help is yourself. Maybe we could go to therapy together, I don't know, Louis. But if we love each other, we can get through anything.

When I graduated, I visited one of my English professors. He told me that he hoped he'd see me again. It's my turn now.

I hope I see you again, Louis. Really.

If anything in this letter made you rethink at all, please.

Meet me in front of where the clocks morph.

I'll be there for as long as I can on December 31st.

I love you,

Harry

Louis didn't quite know how he was feeling when he finished the letter. He knew he had tears streaming down his face. He knew he felt sick to his stomach. He knew his hands shook with the guilt that he felt.

He didn't know how he left Harry like that, lying there. It will be something he'll never forgive himself for, and he wouldn't blame Harry if he felt the same. His sweet boy; Louis probably ruined his trust forever. Something they went through so much for, thrown away with a walk out the door.

He knew that he had no reason to think Harry would ever take him back for what he did. But hearing just how wrong he was in his thinking, made him need Harry. He needed to whisper sweet nothings into his ear as much as possible to even get close at Harry forgiving him. He needed to cradle him, treat him like he deserves the absolute world; which he does.

When he bought that plane ticket, he didn't think. It was definitely the stupidest decision he'd ever made in his entire life. Louis never stopped to think that maybe the problem was him. He was the one who kept running, not Harry. But Harry was the one who would innocently come crawling back to him. And Louis will never forgive himself for putting Harry through that time of stress and pain.

There was no hesitation in his mind that he wanted to meet Harry. And he knew exactly where he was talking about as soon as he saw the words. There was something poetic about meeting in front of Louis' favorite painting when it was Louis who hurt Harry, not the other way around.

^^^^^

The most nerve-wracking moments in Louis' life were the moments leading up to when he'd see Harry. It stressed him out thinking about the anger and the hurt he'd see in his eyes when they saw each other for the first time since Louis left. The letter opened his eyes. Made him see just how wrong he was, for the whole time they were together. Harry innocently followed him along like he really believed that everything was his fault. But Harry was right now. Every time they moved a step further in their relationship, Louis pulled back. Liam was really right all that time ago when he said Louis had commitment issues.

There was a single bench in the middle of the room. Not quite in front of that specific painting, off to the side, but still close enough to get a peak. And sitting on the bench was Harry. His back was turned, Louis could tell his eyes were strained, looking for any sort of person that he recognized. But he didn't look behind him. Louis froze when he saw Harry. His shoulders slumped over with stress. He was bundled up in clothes, it was below freezing outside, but that didn't stop Louis from recognizing the boy in front of him. Louis' legs began to shake as he realized that he didn't know what to say. He didn't plan any of this, but he had to come up with something quick because Harry was right there.

Louis took ample steps forward. It was quiet in the museum, it was New Year's Eve. Going to a museum wasn't exactly everyone's idea of partying and having fun. But there were a few stragglers, probably tourists. He just wished Harry's ears opted for their whispers instead of his footsteps.

Louis took a breath behind Harry's head and began to speak before he turned around. "So I'm guessing that you're Miss Havisham, and I'm your husband that left." Harry turned around, scared and surprised expressions showing throughout his face. Louis walked around the bench to meet Harry's side, to sit next to him. "Funny how that turned out."

Harry showed a small, measly smile on his face. Louis could tell by his silence that it was still his turn to talk.

It took him a few moments to gather his thoughts. "I know this doesn't really cut it, but I am sorry, Harry."

He didn't get a reaction. In fact, Harry wasn't even looking at him.

"What you said in the letter was right. Everything has been my fault. And I never realized it. I've hurt you in ways that I could never imagine. And I completely understand if you never want to see me again after this. Maybe you wanted to see me for closure. Anyways, I understand if you never forgive me; I wouldn't blame you. And I really don't know how I left you there. It hurt to leave, but I really didn't think you were happy here, and I know I'm an idiot for believing I knew what was right for you, but I don't. I really, really don't."

Harry turned to him, finally. Louis knew that the pain in his eyes would be present. And they were there, but he didn't imagine it feeling like he lost his heartbeat. It took him a few more moments to gather his thoughts again as he stared into Harry's green eyes laced with pain.

"I'm so, so sorry for doing that to you, love. I wanna make this up to you, and I have no idea how I would do that, but I wanna try to. Because I love you, Harry. And, maybe this will be a long process for me, but I want to commit to this relationship, with you. I want to be in this together, with you. You've given me all of you, and now it's my turn." They looked into each other's eyes for a few more moments, experiencing a type of intimacy that they rarely got. Both of them were giving themselves to each other. Letting their hearts, their eyes, their souls connect, even just for those few seconds.

Harry finally broke the silence. "It might take a while for me to trust you again, Lou." Louis hated the way his name fell off of Harry's tongue with a painful sigh. "I love you, though." His ears did a double-take. This was the first time he had heard those words from Harry's mouth. Louis' face widened into a smile, and Harry's did a bit, too. "Stop," Harry joked, "I'm trying to scold you here." Louis let out a small laugh then pursed his lips into a tight-lipped, only slightly smaller smile. It didn't exactly feel like an appropriate time to be laughing and smiling, but he couldn't help himself. "The only reason that I'm willing to give you another chance is because I love you. I don't think we're finished yet. Miss Havisham was willing to wait a lifetime, and maybe I won't wait that long for you just yet," he chuckled a bit, "but I am going to wait until we figure this out, and I hope that you'll really try to wait this time." Harry moved his gaze over to the painting. "Why is it your favorite?"

Louis thought for a few moments. "I guess that I'm just intrigued by it. I don't really know what it means. Visually, I don't recognize everything in it. I can't understand it." By this time, Louis was also looking at it. "I guess that's why I like it so much because there isn't one thing to be said about it, it's a mystery, and I can't ever fully grasp it." Louis' thoughts began to trail a bit as he looked back to Harry. "Maybe that's why I like and love you so much. Because your mind has always intrigued me. And I can't fully understand it. You've been a mystery from day one, but it's been an interesting mystery that brings me a lot of happiness." Louis smiled. "You intrigue me, Harry Styles."


	23. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i just want to say thank you guys for reading this story! i hope you all enjoyed it! this fic is now ready to be downloaded since it is now complete. for anyone that is curious my twitter is https://twitter.com/hslovepoet there @/hslovepoet. so thank you and let me know what you liked about this fic. make sure to share it with others, and leave some kudos and comments. thank you! all the love, cassidy.

It wasn’t instant. To trust Louis again. For a bit, every move between each other had been calculated. Harry was overly cautious of Louis leaving at any chance he could. It took a while for their relationship to progress further because Harry was scared of him leaving. 

At the beginning, they properly dated. They lived in separate apartments. They would visit each other when they could. They went on dates that were more similar to their painting night. Or museum day. Something they both enjoyed. 

_They went back to MoMA after that one fateful day when they met in front of Louis’ favorite painting._

_For some reason, Harry found Drowning Girl to be extremely interesting. He stood there staring at the words in front of him for a lot longer than most people did._

_“What’re you thinking, love?” Louis asked, next to him, their arms brushing against each other._

_Harry’s fingers were positioned on his face to make him look like he was thinking way too hard. “Oh, um,” he furrowed his brows together, as if he was trying to come up with a response, “it just kinda reminds me of myself.” He shrugged._

_Louis gave him a slight smile as he lightly coerced Harry into moving onto the next painting. “No more of that,” he said in a playful tone._

Sex was also something that was not all the way off the table but definitely hanging a bit off the edge. They did have sex together but nothing had compared to the intimacy of their first time together. But one day they would experience that again. 

For the first month of their new relationship, Harry was gone a lot because of the book tour. He started at local bookstores, but his book got really successful, so he traveled to London and even Seattle. Louis was extremely proud of him, but that didn’t mean he came with him on the tour. He didn’t even ask to come along, their relationship being too new and fresh from the first time they traveled somewhere together. 

Harry had actually gone with Niall and another friend Ben that he had met through Jeff (which totally didn’t make Louis jealous because he wouldn’t ever admit to that, but at least Niall was there). 

_Harry sat down behind a table before the doors were unlocked to let people inside. It was his first big book signing. In fucking Seattle. He’d never thought of even coming here, let alone doing a signing here. It was intimidating yet exciting at the same time. He looked at the crowd in front of him. There were a mix of ages, but he did notice that there were a lot of younger girls (that happened as soon as it was revealed that Harry Styles was young and attractive)._

_A large cardboard cutout of the cover of his book. His cover was simple. A silhouette of an almost ghost-like girl in all white who spun around, leaving a trail of spirit behind her as she moved. It was a simple, mysterious cover._

_There as a crowd outside of the bookstore that moved around the entrance as soon as the owner unlocked the doors. They all walked in civilly, though. Which everybody in the room greatly appreciated._

_The first one in line was a dark-skinned, middle-aged woman that approached Harry with a smile. She spoke before he got a chance. “I just loved reading this, dear. It’ll be on everyone’s shelves soon.”_

_Harry thanked her and blushed (because even though he heard that hundreds of times at these things, he couldn’t stop the redness forming in his cheeks). He asked for her name before signing it._

_“Tell me, what was the inspiration behind it?” she asked in a low tone. He laughed because he had gotten this question too many times to count._

_He came up with a witty response when he got asked this question in the past, and this time was no different. “My imagination.”_

But after everything they had experienced together and went through, Louis never left. He had stayed for a while. He got comfortable. Too comfortable to leave. But Louis knew that he was right the first time. Well, about it being too hard to leave Harry. Because it was too hard to leave, and he should have taken that as a sign. He never should have left Harry. 

On Harry’s side of the train though, he finally accepted that Louis did leave in that awful and terrible way. But he was okay with it now, because their relationship felt so great. He didn’t think that if Louis didn’t leave, they would be as happy together, or even together at all. Afterall, they were walking on eggshells around each other before Christmas anyways. 

Louis never even left when Harry refused to let him read his manuscript for his new book. 

_Harry’s phone rang as soon as he stepped into his own apartment. It was Louis._

_“Hey,” he answered, putting the phone between his ear and shoulder as he put his stuff down._

_“Hi, love. Are you home?” Harry hummed his answer. “Can I come over? I have ice cream,” Louis asked with his sweet voice that Harry oh so, loved._

_“Only if we can watch The Notebook,” Harry said._

_He heard Louis’ light chuckle in the back. “Yes, of course. When can I ever say no to you?” It was Harry’s turn to chuckle. “Okay, see you in a few. Love you.”_

_“Love you, too.”_

_It was only about ten minutes later when Louis had arrived at his apartment. Louis loved Harry’s apartment because it was bought with the larger amount of money that Harry had been receiving as of late. And that reminded Louis of why he wanted to come to New York in the first place. (He just really liked those fancy penthouses)._

_Louis greeted Harry with a kiss on the cheek and handfuls of ice cream. “Hard day at work?” Harry followed Louis into the kitchen where he put the ice cream in the freezer. He only asked because he usually doesn’t bring this much ice cream._

_“The worst. You don’t understand how close I am to quitting.” He held up his pointer finger and thumb to show just how close he was._

_Harry leaned on the counter while Louis leaned against the fridge. “Why don’t you then? Your songs are doing well, and I’m sure it’s only going up from here. You even got an ISA, Lou.”_

_Louis sighed. “I know, but it feels to soon, you know?” He waited a few moments before speaking again. “You look scrumptious, by the way.” He was wearing some loose-fitting slacks (grandpa jeans, as Louis call them but loved them anyways) with a t-shirt tucked in with a long coat. It was winter after all._

_Harry smirked. “As do you.”_

_Louis smirked back. “Good to know, good to know.”_

_Harry’s smirk turned into a smile. “Manuscript is finished.”_

_Louis’ jaw dropped open. “Well, gimme. I wanna read,” he playfully shouted._

_Harry had a massive smile on his face. “No, you have to wait this time.” Louis gave him a look. “It’s not like last time. I just want this one to be a surprise.”_

_Louis wasn’t mad; Louis didn’t feel like he wasn’t trusted. He knew that this was going to be a good surprise because of Harry’s massive smile._

_So, when Louis actually found out what Harry’s new book was about, he may have cried a bit._

_Harry came home from work one day._

_And Louis knew it was the day because he had been obsessing over the release date when he saw it on Amazon._

_So when he got the text from Harry asking Louis if he could come over, he responded immediately._

_Only short moments later, Louis opened his door to find Harry hiding his face behind a book. It was a simple cover again. A single sunflower suspended in front of a plain black background._

_Louis let out a small squeak when he saw it and instantly grabbed for it. Harry playfully held onto it for a few moments before he let it go. His boyfriend ran into his room and jumped on the bed._

_(Harry always felt nostalgic walking into this apartment because it was the same one as before. Zayn and Liam had actually moved into the empty bedroom because it made rent extremely cheap. The only downside was that he got to hear the couple’s noises. But he supposed that him and Harry made up for that one.)_

_Harry followed him into the bedroom and sat next to him._

_“You’re joking, right?” Louis asked, and Harry had to chuckle. “You actually wrote a book about Adonis.” Louis had read the back of the cover and made his assumption, which was correct._

_“Open it,” Harry said._

_Louis looked suspicious but did so. He didn’t find anything until he hit the dedication page._

For the Adonis to my Aphrodite. 

_Louis definitely didn’t have tears in his eyes. Not at all. “Harry, I fucking love you so much.” He looked a Harry for a quick second and resting his hand on the inside of Harry’s thigh before turning the book around a few times in his hand. “Do you mind if I read it alone?” His voice was quiet._

_“Not at all,” Harry said before leaning in for a kiss. It lasted a few moments until Harry could taste the saltiness of Louis’ tears. “Why are you crying?” he asked in a voice higher than normal._

_Louis laughed and sniffed. “I don’t know. This is just really sweet, and I love you, a lot.” He leaned his head into Harry’s chest and rested his elbow on his upper thigh. Harry threw an arm around his shoulder._

_“I love you a lot, as well.” Harry kissed the top of Louis’ feathery hair. “Before you read it though, I want you to know that it’s about a college student that drops out to travel.” He spoke slowly. Louis started to move out of Harry’s hold to look at him, but he stills him. “He falls in love with a girl who ends up leaving him because she was sick. And she didn’t want to hurt him.”_

_“That sounds familiar,” Louis joked._

_Harry moved his hand to Louis’ back. “I know which is why I wanted to tell you before you found out on your own. Even though I pulled inspiration from what happened, I don’t want you to overthink it.”_

_Louis nodded. “Okay, I won’t.”_

_The next day, Louis went to Harry’s apartment, unannounced. It wasn’t something they never did, though, so Harry’s face wasn’t too surprised._

_Louis came with one thing on his mind. Because he knew he needed to do it. After all they’d been through, after the many times Louis has fucked up, he needed to be the one to do it._

_Harry answered the door with a cocky smile. As if he knew the reason Louis was coming. Which Louis was extremely confident he did know._

_He moved aside to let Louis in, and all of a sudden, Louis stared at Harry, not knowing what to say. Even though, he had an entire conversation in his head on the way here, he now didn’t know what to say._

_Harry was waiting for him to start talking. And Louis was sure that he’d do the thing that Louis didn’t want him to do if he didn’t start speaking now._

_He took a deep breath in and out. “Okay, Harry, love, okay. You told me not to overthink it, right?” Harry’s smirk just grew even larger which pretty much confirmed his thoughts. “And this is going to be so embarrassing if this wasn’t what you meant.” Louis talked with his hands when he was nervous. “So, in the book. I get that I’m the Aphrodite, and you’re Adonis which is totally backwards, but I’ll ignore that.” Harry let out a loud laugh which Louis gave him a look for. He quickly covered his mouth and turned serious again. (Louis rolled his eyes though because he was standing with his arms behind his back like he was about to get scolded for dipping his finger in the frosting). “And it ends with him proposing to her, but on her grave.”_

_They were both silent for a few moments, simply staring at each other._

_Louis continued. “And since, he represents you in the book, I’m telling you now that you don’t get to do it. I don’t deserve you, in any way, shape, or form, Harry. And I still don’t understand why you’re still with me. You’re amazing and beautiful and talented. And I need to prove to you that I am in this, Harry.” Louis walked closer to Harry. “So, I have a plan. And I’m telling you now because you don’t like being surprised, and this way, I can’t back out.”_

_Harry nodded and said a weak, “Okay.” He looked like he was about to cry, and Louis really hoped they were soon going to be happy tears._

_“Right before I came here, I bought two round-trip tickets to the Netherlands. We are going to spend two weeks there. And sometime in those two weeks, Harry, I am going to propose to you. Fuck, I just said that. I’m going to propose to you because you deserve me knowing that I want to be with you for a long, long time. I know you’re in this, and you don’t need to prove that anymore, okay?” He wasn’t sure if he was asking himself or Harry. “And I really hope that you meant that in the book or else I am leaving and never coming back because I would never be able to face you again.”_

_He looked up at Harry for the first time since he started talking. He held his bottom lip between his teeth and he had tears coming out of his eyes. It was obvious that he was biting his lip because he didn’t want to interrupt Louis with his sounds._

_Harry let out an almost pained laugh. “I told you not to overthink it, but I’m so glad you did.” He let out a large sob as Louis rushed to him to embrace him._

Now, the thing was, was that Harry knew Louis was going to propose, he just didn’t know when in those two weeks. Although, he had a suspicion that he figured was right. Their first date Louis suggested going to the Netherlands to see Harry’s favorite painting, and, well, here they were. 

They spent the first week in Amsterdam doing everything from museums to national parks to wine tasting. It was an adventure, and they were both so happy that it was going extremely well. And they loved it a lot. I love you’s were whispered in the day, in the dead of night when they couldn’t make out each other’s faces, but they could feel each other’s warmth under the covers, or when they could taste the love in the other’s mouth. 

And when they were on their way in a train to Houtkampweg, that’s when Harry knew that it was happening soon. And he could tell it was really soon because of the way that Louis’ leg shook as he quickly moved it up and down. 

Harry just loved how Louis told Harry he was proposing, yet he was still so nervous. Louis supposed that Harry still had the opportunity to say no. 

It happened two short days later. 

They entered the museum together, hand-in-hand. The two of them hadn’t spoken much that day. Obviously, their words were to come later and into the dead of the night. When Louis was buying the tickets, Harry had snuck a peak at one of the maps, so he knew where Café Terrace at Night was. And he was pretty sure that Louis knew too because he led them in the opposite direction. 

When they entered the room in which it was in, Louis took his sweet time. He really analyzed every single painting that was in there like he was an art student in uni again. It was Harry this time that couldn’t stop fidgeting. 

And when they finally got to the last painting in the room, there was, of course, a few people around it that they had to wait to move out of the way. But it wasn’t as crowded as the museums in New York, and they were there pretty early, so they dispersed quickly. 

So when they were finally staring at the painting straight ahead, Louis just stared at it. 

“I have a question to counter yours,” he said, turning to Harry who was having mixed feelings because he was very excited to see his favorite painting, yet he was extremely nervous because Louis could do it any second now. “Why is this your favorite painting?”

Harry stared at him with a very blank expression, obviously not amused with the question. But Harry complied as he stared at it. “I guess because it’s simple yet beautiful.” 

Louis rose his eyebrows. “That’s your best answer?” 

“What do you mean?” After all, it was the first time that Louis has ever questioned Harry’s opinion on anything. 

“I mean, is there another reason why this could be your favorite painting?” 

Harry stared at Louis with a very blank expression now. Clearly not amused. Louis didn’t offer anything more up. (He was honestly a bit entertained with the whole ordeal and watching Harry get frustrated). They stared at each other for probably at least a good thirty seconds longer before Harry realized what the answer was supposed to be. “It’s my favorite painting because you’re going to propose in front of it.” 

Louis had a smile on his face that grew to his eyes as he dropped down on one knee and held out a jewelry box and opened it. And, fuck, this was very much happening. Louis was proposing. Harry put a hand in front of his mouth to protest any noises that would come out. He wasn’t that surprised at it, but this was a different feeling now that it was actually happening. 

“Harry Styles, I apologize in advance because this is going to be very cheesy.” Harry wanted to laugh, but he couldn’t. “I love you, a lot. We’ve known each other for going on two years now, and we’ve been together for about a year. And I know that it isn’t very long at all, but I think we both know that after everything that’s happened between us, we’re meant to be together. You will forever be the Aphrodite to my Adonis, and I hope that you want the same. Living together, Harry, made me realize that I can’t live without you. Because now we don’t, and I can’t stand not waking up to your beautiful face every day. I miss always being able to feel you next to me in bed, to know that you’re there. I miss just being together while you write and I play guitar. Just spending time with each other. I want that back. And I said this before, but I don’t deserve you, Harry. You are so beautiful and so talented, and I don’t understand why you’d ever want to be with me. Especially after how I’ve hurt you. But you’re still here, and I’m telling you that I want to be yours forever, and I want you to be mine forever. And I love you, so, Harry Styles, will you marry me?” 

It took a moment for Harry to gather his thoughts. Gather the fact that this was happening. “Yes, of course.” 

They both had tears in their eyes as Louis stood up to put Harry’s ring on. It was a rose ring that had a single, small diamond in the middle of it. They kissed messily and quickly. The people around them started applauding, but they could barely hear them as they whispered ‘I love you’s’ into each other’s ears as they embraced. They’d never seen each other with bigger smiles on their faces. 

It was that night when they finally experienced the same type of intimacy that they had their first time together. Being able to taste each other, being able to rock their bodies against the one they love, being able to be inside each other, being able to be so physically and emotionally close together. 

It was then that Harry realized that life started when a baby took its first breath, but they didn’t become who they were supposed to be until they learned how to love someone. Nothing was stronger than love. It was stronger than the ring now present on his finger. 

He learned how to love Louis, something he didn’t know how to do before. He knew that he was meant to be with Louis because a part of him died when he started loving Louis. Not in a bad way, but in a way that made him a better person. Like the parts of him that were sometimes bad were just whisked away with the even quick thought of love. 

Their love was pure. Their love was innocent. Their love was unbreakable. It was HarryandLouis together. They would love each other for as long as they could, because love never faltered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you thought of this story over at https://archiveofourown.org/works/18966391/chapters/45033442 or at my twitter (top note) thank you!


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